What do you want for the next 20 years of your life.

Friendship with God.
I want clean hands and a pure heart.
Peace.
The absence of strife. I love a poem called Deserterata.
Go placidly amid the storms of life.
Joy .
The ability to find pleasure even in the midst of the battles of my life.
I want to be looking forward to my future with hope and promise
Thought through plans and goals not let neglected.
I want to be looking back without regrets or sorrow of life.
It is my hope to make choices now that is some way might gain the absence of longing. To live in the present with gratitude for what I do have. Responsibly tending to my charge like Ecclesiastes, having pleasure in my work what ever it might be.
I want to have a sound mind.
I hope that I am able to grow old with poise and grace that I will be able to know who I am and who those around me are. If not I want to be beloved in any care situation I might ever be in. So that those who care for me might be glad to have known me and that I might as a legacy impart some gift to others of kindness. The example and the experience of kindness.
Celibrating my marriage then my 45th wedding aniversary
Madly in love with my husband and friend. Having romance alive and not just staying in some "long haul" of a relationship.
For my heart to be tender toward those around me.
Above all I don't ever want to be like my offenders in having a hard heart. That would mean that the enemy won over me. I will fight that to the end!
I want to be content within myself so that no matter where my body might be (forest or not:))
I would be glad just to be me unashamed, loved and beloved by God and my fellows.
I would love to see my children honorable independent friends of God
Loving God and His ways, not religious as in man made religion but honorable.
It would be a joy to hold my grandchildren and know who they are.
To see the fruit of the lives of my children to see what we work for now, acheaved.
I want to be a blessing and that my kids are fond of me
Once they make it through the separation of independence. I hope that they can forgive all the mistakes I am making along the way.

Encouraged.

Well, my peace has returned to me and the raging has stopped. Rage with its three pointed triangle of anger, fear of loss and shame/guilt. I felt angry to face the truth that I wanted to escape the difficulties I have been facing within my own journey and being so angry at how very difficult this life has been for me in so many ways and for so many years (rest assured I also see how much goodness has been here for me in the midst of it all), Fear of the loss of a brighter easier day to come I lost sight of how wonderful I do have it and how much of a loss it would be to let it all go to chase a dream. The shame of all the ways I would of loved to live better, parent more like I wished I would or could "if", and guilt that was both inappropriate (things that are not my error or sin) and in some ways fitting the the effects of my sin, selfishness and pride.

I enjoyed my morning and spoke softly to my son and daughter. I enjoyed this early morning temperate shade in my back yard after waking up early (because I was Responsible to go to bed at a decent hour). I took the dogs outside and came in to fix Steve's lunch. Kids still asleep I slipped out onto my nice clean patio and read my Bible awhile. I also remembered to lay on the hammock and listen to the dove and the other birds who are here to enjoy.

This weekend I stood up and spoke out asking for the return of my patio table and chair pads (Steve had stashed them away because he did not like the patio cluttered). I got the chair pads with the inheritance (meager as it was) after my Dads death. All three of my parednt died within less than 5 years and that was the only thing besides 2 necklaces and an apron that I have from them. Now I have my patio set up to live here outside in the cool of the morning and I made the yard nice the way I like it this weekend. As CEO I delegated task's and took no grief, It looks great out there. We re-roped the jungle gym and I have the new tarp sewed I will set the grommets and re-cover the structure sometime this week.

I read the book of James this morning and saw allot of encouraging things about my attitude of "give Me" the forest etc. I don't like the kind of heart that it gave me. I did get full of strife and sin just got to become more the norm as I fussed over "me, my wants". Like the forest was some golden apple that would make life all wonderful. Well it had its own trouble to it and it was a list long and true. The solve is to be responsible to to those things that are mine alone to do. Being the CEO of this estate is my responsibility. I have to stop blaming and being passive. Find my voice use use it with grace and a firm stand (not aggressive or complaining or manipulation but straight forward matter of fact this is required to care for what we have). Why should we expect more if we don't even care for what we have. It is just smoke and mirrors to ease the strain of being responsible. What we focus on grow bigger.

Focus on that witch is given to you do do to have but most importantly to be.

Recapturing the Nest.

For many years I had the same home in Scottsdale, that was sixteen years to be exact. I gardened the land and made it my own. I painted every nook and made every corner my own.

This weekend I recaptured the nesting I once felt about my old home. I had moved 22 times in my first 18 years of life and had never really nested until then. We left that home as the nicest on the block. Recently I realized that the outside of this place was the worst house on the block. Our yard was yuk, and with the exception inside with the painted walls and draped windows inside the outside was abandoned. After many surgeries and having two special needs kids complete with all there medical interventions and therapies I had a neglected nest. I had abandoned all hopes for it.. Instead I began a vision of a home in the forest and just past time here. It was beginning to just be a place to clean and keep up and pay the mortgage on. I had the mommies syndrome of "how many times can you pick up the same thing and put it away and wash the same dish, floor, tub etc..

I nested this weekend. I never really felt home here before. After very careful considerations of all pros and cons and options we faced: we realized we were best off to keep this home and stay here. I want to LIVE here in this HOUSE "BECOME HOME". I want to fight for it again.

I worked all day in the back yard to take it back. I have been working on a green lawn and now the sunflower house is getting bigger. I want to learn how to do my photos more easily without having to depend on hubby. Perhaps I will do like Gumbo Lilly and start posting life and my daily events . I truly am very blessed. I have a great estate and It is beautiful and Hubby is gonna get asked lot more to help out and not put off the things that are called for. I am the CEO of this estate and it is up to me to take better care to see that its needs get met. When I ask for help and get the old " I forgot because it really doesn't matter to me " excuses I am not gonna go passive! It must matter! This is our home> THIS IS MY HOME>

Where ever we live I want to stay long enough to raise the kids in one spot. I want them to know a sense of belonging I never knew as a kid. I also need that. So as much as I want the forest I receive what I have and if God were to somehow make a way to the high country I think I might just feel a little panic to loose what I have now, an established home and community. We have friends here who are so very dear to me and also family that I really don't even know well. A sense of affiliation is just as important and that dream of the aesthetics of a tree lined yard. Sometimes the things we think we really want have a very high price to them. higher than we could ever really see. I'm thankful that my eyes can see that and that my heart can receive it. It doesn't always pay to get what you want.

adding to my list of top ten

11) "Early " mornings outside are quiet and nice. (until the neighborhood Landscapers arrive)
I can get the lawn mowed

12) In the mornings after the lawns mowed Water play with the kids and the hose.

13) NO BUGS (blood suckers, ticks and the like), as long as the neighbors keep their pool clean and the standing water up, except the ants

14) no humidity

15) I love the summer rains when we are not in a drought (like the one we have been in for many years now)

16)My sunflowers are lovely.

17) wet clothes feel sorta nice. (kids dumped the dogs water bowl on me.

My attitude is improving and my irritability is decreasing. I am looking more forward to my day. That is the whole point of this for me. I don't like who I have been becoming. I don't want to be grumbling all the time. Thats not who I choose to be. It is really hard to implement this choice.

Laughing hard at the comment from jaye on my last posting.....

I asked everyone I could think of what the could think of to appreciate about living here in the summer
1) you don't have to grab a sweater when you go out in the evening.

2) although the weathers crap the schools are great.

3) .............

So..I sold $111. worth of Lanyards and jewelery today at the St Joe's CRS clinic. I also saved 69. on groceries tonight! It felt good to contribute to the budget so much in one day.

Steve is out working on the AC motor tonight. Ironic isn't it. So I sit quietly because he is real angry and afraid right now. The house is not a peaceful place for him tonight. He did 10 hour work day and read the kids to bed and now he has to fix a squeal in the AC fan motor. Poor guy!

O.K. I'm depending on that AC for my #1 reason
Oh life!

Only one week left of June.

I have to reflect on the speed of the weeks, months years that pass. My attitude has been so angry and negative about another desert summer. Here June is almost over and the dog days will get heavily laden with the intensity of 110+ heat. How Can I get through it if I don't change my attitude? So I must choose to do so.

Top 10 things I like about Summer Here......

1) Air conditioning and the ability to pay the bill for it.

2) Staying home and being calm without all the running around (There are less people out when your on the roads, all the tourist have gone home).

3) Ice water, opening the freezer to get the ice is a treat.

4) Pretending like I'm snow bound and doing lots of craft projects because its so cold outside.

5) Lazy days that have an excuse (the heat wears you out) Planning gardens for the fall .

6) My car in the garage cools down faster and my hands don't get burnt.

7) Lots of groceries in the freezer so I don't have to go out and when I do the stores are cold in the freezer sections.

8) Lots of supplies for projects so I don't have to go out. I get jobs done that I put off when i can be outdoors in the late fall/winter/spring ( if and when the inversion is not so bad as to light up my asthma).

9) Air conditioning in my car and not having to depend on a bus or others.

10) Less laundry because shorts and sleeveless tops make smaller piles (in theory).

Please help by listing your top 10 things you like about Desert Summers

I'm trying to think proactive but it is so hard. I do not to I do and can.....

I colored my own hair first time!

I love it! and I am so amazed at the savings. I have waited so long to get my hair done$$$$ Yet I was able to do it at around 10$ using supplies form my local Sally's Beauty supply.

My friend took the kids this afternoon and I did my hair and a pedicure too.

I feel refreshed.

List your talents! I challenge you!

Have you thought about the things you know how to do in a fresh light?

Recently I took several Lanyards to C.R.S. ST. Luke's hospital. I had a lovely woman come and seek me out. She addressed me so sweetly and asked me to bring them back on Thursday (payday). I sold one gave one to Dash Hawk's therapist and as I was leaving went back into the Lab and placed on on a womans neck who admired it . I have 15 of them completed. I spent 9 hours to make them. I will charge only $10. for them so that they might be able to be affordable.
Our talents are a "ministry" to the world around us. These same Lanyards would cost $20 easily, but thats not the point. It is brings beauty into the world. You bring beauty into the world. I have a friend who quilts, one who writes and another who crochets. One who is an advocate , one who scrap books, sew, beading another who cooks. One who pray actually several. There are so many talents that we dismiss and diminish.
Running a home, raising great kids, Talents are not just the "arts" they are the everyday things that we are under valuing because we have been taught too under value them in this culture.
During the time of cottage industry we learned the value of such talents and abilities. We treasured each other and even appreciated and treasured our own abilities.

List your talents!!!!!!!!! and post them.

Celebrate your talents and unearth them. Invest them and bring the beauty of who you are into this gloomy world.

The need for Widom....

Free will verses destiny is a topic of mind today. I think it is both. I have prayed that if it were Gods will.... that he knows the best for me. I offer you a choice" free will". I have choices to make. That is "we" because when you wed it is no longer a singular choice to make.
Destiny.... Gods design for our lives. Do we have a destiny? "For I know the plans I have for you ". Well as I have witnessed we are place into a moment in time to glorify Him. Or is it that wherever we are it is our choice to glorify Him and within our choice (right or wrong) He cant help but be glorified?

It seems a dangerous thing to call our choice hearing from God to do so, is then filled with all the "what ifs"... if we were wrong. We really didn't hear or God has let us astray "how dare he"? I have watched more believers fall by the way side over this very issue than any other in all my years of Marriage. Then it seems to me we are laid open to blame God for any of our own errors.

So is this fine line here in the sand before me. If I say it is up to my choice to respond to any given decision as I determine fit then I am the one responsible for the errors or challenges that lie ahead and maybe even for some of the success. If I am given such freedom then I must depend on Him for the Wisdom to choose wisely. It will be His hand to show us through the desires placed into our hearts. Yet are were following Him or our own wants? Or are they the same thing? What of all the outside influences? How do we know if we are following the desires of others over us? Everyone has their own interest in each of our lives. Where do the influences divide from our own design or can they even be. Perhaps it is that tension that pulls us into a balance

My Mothers Birthday

This would have been her 83 rd birthday today. Knowledge of my mothers birthday caught me off guard. My Mother died 5 years ago the week after Valentines day. The last time I visited I told her about my intention to adopt a son. She never lived to see him.

looking.....

Looking for a place and for land and to dream. Well I'm finding how very much there is to love about this wonderful home I have. If I could just pick it up and plant it in the forest without packing it or letting go of all the amenities it has.

I love the idea of moving to the forest and the dream of being there without debt and employed with health care puts us in ares that set us nearer cities and away from the woods.

Mission Controll

We have lift off Husten, Little Dove has a desire for a quilt that has astronauts and space shuttles on it (her birthday is soon) . sooooo I was able to use all the supplies on hand and created a 101"x45" quilt for her. I got the space fabric for 80% off a while back and the backing is just yummy. It is a cotton with sphiers on it. I recently ( 4 months ago) bought my MIL Bernina 2000 dce Surger when she got a new one. I was able to make good use of it and sewed the layers altogether. I am making a very simple quilt. The kids are so occupied they have not even been in here to see what I'm up too. How wonderful it is to created again.
I have been driving to the city and doing so many chores getting the house back together too.

Story for you.
When I got the fabric I was making shorts for Dash Hawk. He requested the fabric for himself. Well I cut out the end of the run for his shorts pattern and trimmed the edge design for the end of little doves quilt and I was able to do both! the batting was acquired for a $1 for a $8? bag.
My sister also gave me 88 spools of Sulky thread for the embroidery machine( Huskavarna #1+)! When I learn to use it I will have just about every color I could ever need or desire.

SEW>>>>>>I sew on.....Smile and enjoy the use of my skills with new (to me) tools. I am blessed !

Montana????????????????????

We are looking forward to exiting the Vally of the Furnace.
We are looking into seriously moving into the dreams of our youth. My husband is so excited at the livelihood and cost of living. He is filing an application for CADD employment tonight.
Raising our children out of this city thrills us. Billings a large city can sustain any medical need for the kids and for us.
My hubby was so encouraged by a fellow at work and just wished his own parents were more like that. He so needs their blessing. It must be hard for them to consider him moving on to live his life and raise his family. They are elder and we have always looked at our future as having to wait out their days. We see error in this and even though our love for them is large we must follow our hearts.
We are so happy to walk into our future! We are going to get employment sell out get a new truck and keep our belongings and head North! three month out??
Gods will be done and we will rejoice in it.

One year reprieve for Dash Hawk

Well, No sign of optical nerve loss today, we will redo the test in a year, then year by year by year.....

So I have a year to forget about it and just kick back and live free of the thought of it until next year. Sorta like a shark in the deep waters.

deep sigh and relief and praise!!!!!

Stress

I have a load of it on me today!
Tomorrow with the apt for Dash Hawk, today with my husband and I wanting to move out of this city and just the general over all layer on layer of life. Stuffed feelings and hurts. frustrations, migrains and dreams defered.

out of words tonight

Migraine!

On the way in to the city the Frova was beginning to course into blood stream. The blessing of an earplug in my right ear eased the screechy singing of Little Doves lizards song. So cute but so painful it hurt. I asked lizard to please ask Becca to use her voice and was refused by my sweet 10 year old going on four (grief pumped stress into my head) the realization of her delayed abilities and cognitive mind waves over me with a Dear God I hope she prospers and is safe in this world.
The freeway turned into parking lot 10 miles short of the hospital where Dash had an appointment. I was able to get over from the far left HOV lane to exit and then I went through the city streets. It is good to have lived here for twenty five years. I know my way around the mess. Arriving a few minutes early I was able to do some joint compressions for Little Dove. Her morning sitting still class is causing here to have some sensory issues that can be quite disruptive and annoying. So she and Dash were properly tickled too. After two games of crazy eights we went into his therapy. Little dove was calm! ya! she sat and wrote her novel. Dash was showing stress and complained that he was the only one in the family that had to do therapy. I reminded him that they both had occupational therapy next moth because the sabbatical is almost over.
We faced double apt. on Thursday and the therapst had an "unheard of" opening at 2pm so we could us the 2:30 slot to see the optomitrist. This is not for a vision test but for a test that may determine the Ushers Sydrome. I may find out whether or not my sone will be going blind. The pain that stikes me even at the typing of this curls my face and pounds in my head. I may find out that there is no definative and we are to walk yet in the perpetual unknown, only to face quarterly retests like the hearing studies every 3 months. What ifs robe my very tummy rest is waves like the stormy tempest right now. He is so beautiful and I am so glad we adopted him and that He is my son. No regrets on that. I simply long for Him to prosper in the true life.
I cant even type the b/deaf. It hurts. I hurt for him. What if not?? WHAT IF NOT? WHAT IF NOT NOT NOT NOT. Gods hand is on this boy and this woman. What love there is in that!

Dash Hawk's time with Mom

Dash Hawk says.."I love you Momma , and I had a great time with you making your blob. You helped me fix the problem with the computer with the background. I had a great time with you Momma. I wishe I got to see Bionnacle 3. We had a great time, the End"

Well off to play a board game and to do or math and writing and dishes and laundry.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

This was then read by Dash Hawk and then he dashed off to go to the potty. Sweet sweet time.
:)

evening outside

This evening when we retuned from the Grand parents we started showers for the kids and I went out to do the poop scoop, mowed the Lawn and watered the sunflower house. It was so nice out. I fed the birds too.
Tomarrow will have the yard work accomplished yayayay
TV time with my honey now.

Little Dove's Rock Star Momma!

Little Dove has taken to a special time with me changing my doll. This is a special time we are sharing. It offers a sense of affiliation and unity for us. We also learn to use the computer a little more too :)
She and I are enjoying moments together that are sweet. She feels accomplished to be apart of me in this. I love sharing with her. She critiques the outfits and the scenery with a mature eye. Sleazy stuff is Not her way she loves to have modesty. I am grateful.
She is accomplished and walked away with a skip in her step and a desire for her daddy to turn on his computer to look at my blog. She loves to show him her accomplishment!

Reflections of a fine day.

Today I awoke very early went north to help my Sis with her living room yard sale. It was very slow for her. I got a key board for the kids to play, a few other fabric yards. We had a few ladies. Mostly the lonely who needed a tender ear to care that they were alive. I left around 11 am.
Beloved had fed the Kidd's lunch. I had a nice left over salad and a rest. Hubby left to do Overtime and I left soon after by 12:30 to go do childcare for a friend, well several, her kids and I are friends too. The five children (my two in the mix) all played well. We left around four and came home to a warm embrace from beloved.
He spent the day with a friend who has a very desperate life marriage in tatters and a worm eating away at everything they have. Beloved was very reflective. I was glad to be in our home again. Peace here and I love it! He and I wept for the trouble we see in the lives around us. Here we are pressing 50 years old two small kids and we find ourselves reflective of what we really want to do with rest of our earning years. We are 15 yrs out from retirement. The city offers the income but this mortgage is a burden to keep up. Scrimp to stay afloat we are afloat but the boat is not a vacationing vessel.
I would love to be debt free. Sell out, go North somewhere like Wyoming or Idaho have chickens live on the land a little. We spin this wheel often it comes to a stop on employment opportunities , health insurance and then the wheel spins again round and round dizzying and yet we are still reflective. I know that God gives us the desires of our hearts ( I believe that those things in us are placed there as a guied an oppertunity for choice) . With such risks we are crippled with the wheel coming to rest and then spinning our dreams and then the risk brings it right back to rest again. I love that the dream is not over or forsaken, I wish we could see the wheel played out on the land while the children are young and the lessons are clear from the influence of the myriad of dysfunction all around me in the life of the dwellers here in the mega city.
Beloved is playing very old Bat Man flicks on the computer with little ones. I cleared off a little more of my sewing surface and perused a book on the sewing feet of my new (used) Huskavarna 1+ machine. I am grateful and it is lovely. I got a few beads in the mix of stuff from the sale so I moved to the bead table to sort. My dear husband does not want me to ever feel like I have to work outside the home unless I really want to and then I know he would be my biggest supporter. I want to be home. Sometimes I feel so undeserving of this fine life. I know I work hard with the homemaking from scratch and the kids interventions and all. I am falsly ashamed of how others have to suffer so much with hard roles . I wish the world had little suffering. I wish that lives around me knew joy, love friendship with their mates and respect form others and from even them self's.
Reflective , grateful and at peace.

A ring for LIttle Dove

My sweet Little Dove has been having a hard time with truth or the sack of it. I feel somewhat responsible due to over reacting with anger at her when she gets into those things that are not for her to explore alone. Pure kid stuff, Migraine over reactions screw it all up!

So I got her a ring last night and went to her this morning and committed that it is my heart that she can trust me and that it will be safe to tell me the truth and live and honest life. I told her it is a symbol of the trust between us and that I choose to trust her that it is my desire that she feel safe to always trust me too.

It really meant allot to her, and to me.

She went into my jewelry box and found a heart ring similar to hers and gave it to me to ware.
We connected and it was her way of saying Ditto mom.

My heart sings a song of gratitude tonight.

Over the last 24 hour I have been given so much. I wept when I was loved. It is the only time I ever release a tear or the pressure escapes.
I went to the store last night to decompress. I walked around the garden department with the image of my husband and kids on their way to the neighborhood park. Little dove is retuning now to herself after days of insomnia, mania and racing. Dash hawk has digressed in his palliate/ breathing work. Tired and overwhelmed I went to the local "W' to have a break.
In the garden department I found a geranium 1/2 off and a large patio container 1/2 off also. They both needed a lot of tlc. I shopped and tried on a nice shirt on clearance for $2 and one that I loved for another 12$. I made my selections and with an awareness of the tight budget choose to gift myself. I also saw a lovely little sterling silver ring with a pink CZ heart for Little Dove ($7) .
Anyway when I was relaxed I exited to find the cashier was just to leave. I told him I would go to another register He said no come on in but that it was kind of me to offer. He was off in an 1/2 an hour. He gifted me with the plant 6.99 @ 50% off for $3, then the $20 at 50% off for only $5., I noticed and thanked him. He hushed me and said that I was a nice person then he also reduced the $12. shirt and it only rang up as 9.99.
When I went to my car a very nice young man who was a customer out in the parking lot helped me not only with the heavy plant but put all my plants from below of the cart into my trunk for me. His car full of fellows teased him in the parking lot by pulling away and being silly.
I thanked him and got in my car.
The "your a nice person" comment touched me SO deeply. I st in my car and wept and it was all maybe a 15 second weep but all the same I felt loved.

Today I met a girlfriend and her two kids at the science center, I have a membership and so it got her in my two and myself, she had only to pay for one entry and one movie.
During our stay on old 20 yr+ friend who worked there gave us free entry to the IMAX all 6 of us, we saw a film on the brain set in the tour DE France.
Later when we were just ready to leave he approached us and offered us the 3D under water world seats as well! WE went in and saw it for free too all 6 of us!

Then just yesterday when I was putting away all that fabric I was given, I noticed a shallow short space that a rubber made container might fit. Well tonight after I had cleaned and transplanted those plants I was walking over to the side of the house to put away the trash and under my tree was a shallow (perfect size container! BRAND NEW and in it a Mervin's bag with a beautiful ( i love it) swim suit dress (cover) brand new MY SIZE!!!!!!!
In the box is a torn up gym membership slip. I tried to call and the gym was no help in finding its owner.

Now this is the second time I have found something I wish I had under my tree. I found a little carpet sweeper as well!!!!!!!!last month just after I had replaced all my carpets with laminate flooring and had purchased two area rugs for under the coffee table and the dining table ....

REMEMBER the woman who's oil and floor never ran out. She had given Samuel her last loaf and her and her son were expecting to perish.... She never ran out of the oil and grain she needed.

So......I have been loved and I sit here humbled and tender and sorta refreshed.
The Movie at IMAX about the brain really helped me as well to understand my brain lesions and Little Doves Nero problems and I think It helped the kids understanding too.
I have been so angry about the migraine's and the brain lesions scare me. I really changes my personality sometimes and I just grieve that I don't act like myself during a migraine. It really angers and saddens me.
But, I am loved and tendered by the all encompassing cloud of loving kindness that envelops me even at this moment. It makes me feel and I almost get to cry. but I just breath it in and let it settle with all the other dust that irritates my bones and caused pain in my physical body (congestion and headache).

Pretty cool day hu.......

Im tired............

I am a little down at the moment. I am tired. Today it came to light the four days a week summer school is 5 days a week for the 11-11:55pm class. So the Fridays off is now an interrupted day! I am disappointed. I just got back from the city and Dash Hawks apt. He did not do his home work yesterday of even today. I feel so over loaded. I wanted so bad to finish cleaning off my sewing desk, and clear off all the lingering mess.. not yet... It is 4 pm and again my dear husband is another two more hours yet of Overtime at work. No break in sight while all around me folks are going on holidays and camping and traveling and all that stuff that even though I now its not all that it is cracked up to bee sounds so fun and like a great diversion. I could just close my eyes and fall a sleep. Yet I have two dear children who would miss me if I did. oops I almost just did.
Phone call, long talk. Yard sale Saturday morning to help my sister. Friend will join my but has to confirm. We'll have to leave so I can arrive at one to babysit with my kids in tow until 4 pm.
Tomorrow is another day....

Becca plays with my doll.

I snored so loud last night that (little hearing impaired) Dash Hawk told me he heard me, but, he added "I'm still a great momma"!

The sunset was so amazing last night! I was drawn out side to go for an unplanned walk, However.. the particulates in the air, so is informed, just after the walk, were exceedingly high and that was why the sunset was sooo amazing.

Dash Hawk just climbed into my lap. Dash Hawk wants too add that "he said I love you Momma". he continues with his statement "Your a great Momma". Followed by A long loving embrace.

We are going to go look up some Lego star war stuff ( but not buy anything) now.
blog more later

Laminate flooring job. Done!!!!!

The day after Thanksgiving we began replacing all of our carpet with wood laminate flooring (apx 1800+sq ft) , this after I had had knee surgery in late Septembe of '06. I had Thanksgiving dinner here Christmas dinner here and all of the wonder of life with two young children. Recently we finished the floor (5 month Job). Now I have a Studio in the old school room. I am still unpacking that room all my sewing stuff is now out of the garage. The house is getting closer to normal and I love the calm and order. It feels so nice to have finished such a major under taking> My husband and I removed all the carpet, moved all the furnishings and packed/unpacked untold boxes, replaced it all and lay the floor. My husband is a wonderful craftsman. This new floor was a desire I had held for all the years of my adult life (25+). I had always looked so forward to the beauty that a wood floor offers. The ease of care has been such a blessing too.
I now have my garage back for my car( 109* today). It sometimes seemed too big a task and that I could never see this day. I swept and mopped (wet "3m" mop and only water, its great) all in about and hour so easy and I have so much less stress with the dog/Kidd messes.
My son and I have asthma and we are now able to have so much less medications!

I AM GRATEFUL!

Photo Fun!

I have learned how to add pics. How Fun!

Sky Seasoning

Little Dove got into the finals.
click on the pic!
Then return by hitting back space.
Enjoy!

I know that parents arn't perfect.....

But I wish we were. Wow lesson 4million and 2.
Well those $10. for 3month mail orders Rx-----Turned into an $15. co pay, $41. two week Rx (insurance would not cover because refill was in the mail) and $15 express fee to expedite the shipment( which still didn't come when they said it would!) . All because of our oversight.
Well the 3 month only costs us only $10. mail order that makes us feel a little better.
Our poor baby however paid the real price the "Herbie Jeeves"
Benidril was what I gave her last night to help and the pharmacist also suggested it today I was so glad to hear that mommy instincts were right on that one.
She starts school tomorrow so Ill rest her today and hope that she recoups for tomorrow.

Prozac withdrawls

Little dove is still awaiting the arrival of our expedited mail order Rx. Withdraws have set in and the Doc. office was demanding a 7day processing on Rx. I will take here to an urgent care when she awakes. It is now 11a.m. and she still sleeps . Her sensory integration dys. is keeping her on a razors edge and I feel awful for her and guilty that this slipped through the cracks. I know that the guilt isn't mine to own it just is. I see her struggle in her own skin.
She has a scratch on her arm that she caused to bleed and she is digressing and stressed. She slept on the sofa again last night for some reason she does not free float so bad on the couch. I also feel angry because she has summer school in the morning and the stress of it might bite her bad. She has a panic disorder that can just be crippling and I cant just make it stop or go away and I feel so helpless as a Mommy.
I cant wait any longer for some Rx for her and I'm mad that I trusted that stupid mail order company.!!! Today is a Sunday! I don't know if Fed Ex delivers on a Sunday.
More copay and double cost for redundant Rx by days end. I feel frustrated, and frightened that she might have a bad start tomorrow. I can just get her to the urgent care and buy another Rx,(trusting that they will give me an Rx) and PRAY, and TRUST God.
I gotta hold my VISTA.

The Rose, by Bet Midler

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.

I read a blog about a traditional family rose bush. Cuttings pasted on unto three generation.
Today a had a "rose" in my Sister.
It would be a long story to tell but we have been strangers more than what anyone might think of as sisters, for more years than not. It was a year or so I opened my family and self back up to a relationship with her after an invitation to her wedding. Our lives were marked with abuse and we were raised as enemies. When we came together she was so very thrilled and generous and kind as too give me a very expensive and valuable embroidery machine. I had to return it to her for these reasons
1. I needed it to never have an inch of even an appearance that My Love toward her could in any way be thought of as something less than unconditional.
So even in My thrill of such a gift I could not in good conscience keep it. That really hurt her. I hope that some day she could understand where I was coming from. OH I really liked that machine. I have used a wonderful 1957 Phaff for all my married years and been grateful for it. At the time with homeschooling and the childrens therapies I could not even learn how to use it. It was my understanding that it had been sold afterward. I often wished on many levels I could have been able to receive. it
2. My ability to trust has a big wound in it.

Today she was having a yard sale fly er to pass around and there on it was the machine listed. I called my husband and we purchased it! I am so excited for myself but sad for her. I think she may not understand why I just had to start the relationship free, she expressed the joy of giving it at the time, and assured me no strings but, I had to be true to all that was screaming inside of me that it signaled danger for the relationship to keep it.
Now it is mine and it is free of any ............ Well I live by this.
"Owe not man except to love him" I think I had to walk in love toward her for a year or so before I was safe with her. I received from her today. It was nice not to feel afraid.
To see the rose after winter.

Sewing Guild Saturday

This morning my meeting will be a fabric and pattern exchange.

My Sister is moving to Connecticut. He husband just received the honor of a CEO job. So off they go. I'll help her to do some chores for she too will be doing a "living room yard sale" She is a professional seamstress. We both sewed our own clothing growing up and she became "SEW FINE" and I Well I am an artist of a mered of medium. I like to be a back to basic kinda woman. Cottage Industry would of suited me well. I think I would of been a great village vendor :) all bard er of course. I never was one much for a dollar. I love to give or trade my work.

I hope you all find you passion today and celebrate it a while.
Fondly,
in my "new" ( as of four years ago) name. We had a native Wedding in the forest to give the children a blessing and a vow of life to each other. But that's another story some day Ill learn how to do photos.
Vivatious tenatious White Raven

Early wake up, late night

My sweet little dove is in with drawls, we get our meds mail order and it was overlooked that she was on her last bottle, I called and expedited it. It should come today but she is without now for two days. The message on the ped. phych. had a message phone that demands 7 days prior notice for refills.
She was free floating and very uncomfortable. Up late again I hope that the med come fed ex today or Ill have to do an urgent care just for an rx. She is on Prozac for a panic disorder that is brought on by her Sensory Integration Disorder. She can not feel herself in space well. It is better but an issue without the meds. I so hate to have her on them anyway. I have tried to take her off several times and keep her on half or very low dose as low as I can to help her enough as to free her but I have to also have enough to free her too. It breaks my heart to see her struggle
Dash Hawk (Dan) who wants to be called by his Indian name. Awoke me in my bed this morning and I too tired just scooted over. I never have been one to let the kids steep in our bed. When I moved over my head was then on the corner of Beloveds pillow he pulled his property back in his sleep state to leave me ajar and awake. Then the asthma hit an hit hard cant breath! Dash hawk had refused to jammie up last night and he was in his favorite Star Wars shirt that was covered in well: dog, grass, dust bunnies and all manner of "kid". Beloved found me here in my rocker and brought me back offering me his side of the bed to lay my head .Is'nt he a sweet soul! I lay me down to find myself drowning and pained bad. There will be no laying down! After a long shower I sit hoping not to have to do a breathing treatment and wake the family. Who now is on the couch asleep two little peas within the safe little pod that they adore, each other. I always dreamed of sibblings that liked and loved each other. It is so wonderful that my kids are best friend. We have very little sibbling rivalry. Its a good thing and I have put so much effort and study into it.
Dash Hawk HAS to have his Little Dove beside or at least in the same room to not have his Sensory stuff induce him to a mild panic fear state. I'm so glad his SI is not as full blown as Little Dove.

Humble me..........with honor.

This is a E-Mail that my beloved sent to our finacial advisor. It was cc to me and I was...

"I trust Donetta's financial decision making implicitly. She always keeps me informed on the events going on and you may act on her word regarding our financial matters as being, in every way, equal to my own." Said my husband.

I was... so deeply moved at such a succesful friendship. Our 25+ year marrage is so wonderful. This made me think of the Proverb 31:11 it really is true to see the fruit.

The fight for the rights of my children.

I called the public school district and spoke with a sec to the guy who is in charge of special needs . To let him know my response to the letter that all the stuff I have done in the private sector is now out of date! Oh man!
Steve and I are working Overtime to save up for the 1400.$ plus that we will have to come up with out of pocket to retest the kids as to save a 3-4 month lag at the beginning of next school year to start any of the public school testing. I asked if anything could be done to expedite the process. Everyone is off until August now...........
So she will talk to the big guy and call me back probably Monday..... At least I could find out exactly what they need to emediatly start the process in the fall for the intervention that both children need......
Dan is supposed to start the microphone/amplifier system in the fall and then he will also have the surgery too.
Becca starts her reading and math summer school on Monday too.
She needs the IEP also for her learning disability and the social cognitive dysfunc. ,Sensory integration disfun.(Dan has this too), ADID (inactive). I feel a little sad and overwhelmed.
I'm so grateful to have a vista view of life. I know that this is simply a role that has been given to me and that I even picked up by choice. Momma bear just loves her cubs and it is hard to keep a balanced focus on the greater story.
I love my cubs. May the world see the beauty in this bear and may I not have to growl so loudly as to cause fear or discomfort in others. You know bears have gotten a bad rap. They truely are wonderful creatures. :)

Water ballon play!

The water will fly!
Wet wild FREE ( balloons from last years clearance sale) fun!
Free is relative. :)

With my heart restored I drove the 23 mile trip one way to the Childrens Rehab in the city. The safty was devine for we almost hit a group of cars that had stoped abruply right in front of us, when a car had just then broken down in the left lane of freeway. Within an instant 65 drop to 25 mpr and a lane change that was inches from a huge GMC truck that speed up so I could clear the other cars: poor history was avoided and Gods mercerful HIStory was granted! Everything in the car hit the floors and dash. I was shaking for two hours after.
Dan's new Speach theripst worked well with him to effort breathing and speaking through the mousth as apposed to his nose. That bright little dude made good progress in understanding what we were efforting toward.
We left home at 1:30 returned at 4: all for the half an hour appointment. I am greatful. I was very tired afterward and had to chill out by going for a walk around WalMart to just have a quiet reflective time. I got some pipe cleaners, modeling clay and cheep paper plates for projects for the kids. Ill have them earn the supplies with my "Mom Bucks". I look forward to our "what to do " box each day. The kids love it!
Late night now.
I want to sit with my best friend. I spent several hours taping and ironing Him today, against better judgement I left him on the back porch and Willy the Lab had a great time with him too...
My friend is my favorite 20 year old Bible.
I have Him Part way ironed the sprinkler had a time with him too. Most of the soil is out and most all of the pages are curled but intacked.
I want to go to be with Him now.
I need to keep my Vista.

Vista

Here, a vista through the portals. May you find a panoramic survey with unobstructed shared views? Life unrolled gradually. Covering a wide range of objects or a long succession of events in the past or future with expectations for the future especially for the way a particular situation will develop. Gods love is my Vista.

More intervention Surgery in the fall for my son.

This is a photo of last fall when Dan heard for the first time with his new hearing aides.

I want to cry right now. I know that this is a gift to correct this for Him. I just feel sad.
Story to follow after my resolve returns.
Meanwhile 40 miles (up to an hour each way) one way on Monday and Thru for a half an hour of speech therapy (not for language) for air escaping through his nose. His palliate does not meet. Plastic surgeon wont see him till he exhaust all resources. That is; have up to three moths of s.t. in efforts to correct the uncorrectable (except through surgery)

Good news it is all free (covered under the children's rehab at St. Joe, Phx) except the gas... Husband said that he starts overtime tonight and will be doing o.t. for some time.....THE GAS MONEY TO COVER IT.........God IS good, I am grateful, I am sad and tired.
I am bothered that it will fall right in the school year.
He already has to be introduced to the Microphone/amplifiers for the start of the next school year! Im so proud of this child for his character is so amazing and his courage good as is mine.
Of course after the surgery hell probably need to repeat the speech therapy.
I want to cry for my Son.

Invest for retierment.

Tonight we met with our financial planner for our yearly review.

1. Remember your future will come fast prepare for it.
2. Life insurance is a must when you have small children, spend some time to learn what to do to keep up your household in the event of a loss.
3. Use a investment tax free option for college savings. Once you can set up a savings account for them set it up to be tax deferred and high yield so as to let the money work for you. Even if the kids get a full ride the funds can be used tax free for anyone education. (even moms if she wants to go back to school someday). Put even a little into it every other month.
4. Look forward to the future and watch your yield return many fold over on every level. Don't just bury heads in the sand.

46 is only a blink from retirement. I had a good return on some stock and I reinvested it again (its IRA so I had too) so as to build it up. When we are old we will have to buy health Ins. as a full time mom I haven't the credit hours to qualify for medicare.

Think about tomorrow today and fear not. :)

Mommie bucks useing play money.

The chores around here were flying by just as quickly as the play money was adding up in the mason jars that had their names on them.
Project one is done and they are very excited to get the next project out of the project box.
But wait... They want to make their beds an read some books for a while. woah!

I thank God for the Nightmare that left me seeing what is truly my heart for my kids. I let my dream understanding enlighten myself into a better understanding of how I respond in ways that are what I learned, not what I desire to do and be as a mother. I really enjoyed them this morning and they are both feeling so good about themselves and me .
I like how I parented this morning and I feel encouraged.
My 9 is reading to my 6 and laughter and wonder is misting through the hall and wafting its way into my space as I type.
My 9 reads to her brother with such pride and self confidence and his looking up to her with deserved admiration.
The day is rolling along so peacefully!

Summer with my kids

In an effort to be true to my heart I am going to begin a list of things to do with my kids this summer. I want to learn how to play!

What do you do with your children? I have a lot of ideas so far off of the web. One I liked was "what to do boxes", one for inside and one for outside; listing the ideas on index cards.
Ill let the kids choose one each day and just have them for ideas.

It is my heart to play with my children. I want to support them to wonder and explore.

What is lighting your path?

Memorial Day

World War II

Some say it never happened
Evil was not a reality
through the hand of man
History repeats what it forgets
Remember

Those were the witnesses
who could barley speak
spoke of horrors
Truth was told
History repeats what it forgets

We saw the death camps
The images burned our minds
Yet some will say
It never really happened
History allowed to be forgotten

Evil is real
history must never be repeated
remember, never forget it
History remembered
the story retold stays alive.

Remember, speak the thing known
Honor our heroes
Humble your selves to be honorable
history remembered
frees our future
through the scars of our past

"Evil triumphs when good men do nothing"

Have a wonderful holiday weekend!

What are going to serve for meals this weekend?

Do you have a watermelon chilling'?

Hubby went to the Toyota dealer and got the break parts AMAZINGLY after SO many miles the front breaks and rooters are fine... this is unheard off they are OK. He has yet to dismantle the back breaks. We are doing the maintenance on the truck so as to keep it for years to come.

Little man is helping his Dad. He corrected me about the wrench "its a speed wrench Mom" Too cute to see the Boys" work together on the truck.
I love my husband sense of fatherhood!

Have a great weekend!
-Donetta

A New Holiday

"Eyes of a Child Day"
Where we were magically able to have our hearts retun to us.
Our lives would be unhindered by any jading of inocence.
We would all be safe for a day from the threat of Evil.
Play would be impulsive and imagination would run rampant. Crativity would gain access to unlimited potiential. A sense of safety would secure selfhood, affiliation, mission and compitancy.
The world could have promise, even if just for a day.
Donetta

Meals cooked ahead play with the family all weekend!

The kids are home for the summer (save for some summer school for one)
I think it wonderful that I'll hve some time alone with my little guy. He needs the one-on-one time with me to just be little for a while longer to make up for having to grow up so quick.
Today with all that I had to do I just wanted to cook. Begining at 8:30 this morning I was done by 1:30 just in time for Electric time of use plan. So I made from scratch;
one gal. of marinarra sauce,
a 4 lb. meatloaf (I ground the beef and mixed it with sausage, carrots and oatmeal)
pinapple chicken and Basmati rice ( Baked it in the oven)
a sausage and Wild /Jasime rice mushroom and corn dish (stove top) .
I have a marrinading london broil in the refer
I ground enough of my own beef for the sauce above and some formed patties for grilling this week end.
I also made a double batch of oatmeal wheat germ breakfast cookies for the next week.
No cooking all weekend!
Ill just heat up meals for the family and enjoy the long weekend.

Willy Wonka bar and the Queen Rena

I I We love our dogs.

The Dove

Today I remembered my story in this....

My children found a dove with a broken wing today and we went to the thrift store and got a cage. I gave it water with a dropper and it lives.
This evening the kids found another dove on the sidewalk and I just spent 30 minutes with it while it passed of what appears to be poisoning.
I love the life around me yet I see so much destruction and death.
My story.
I showed my daughter how to respect death and to support the dying. I am angry at how much disrespect is shown to the dying around us.
Although some may respect the living and even support them in their effort, where are those who have the eyes to see all of the souls walking in death around us.

I posted the 10 commandments not to be a "holy Roller" but to think of the greater story. How many are murdered by the anger in our hearts ,words and thoughts around us and how that is the case even under our very own roofs.

We have 10 great big "thou shall not's and thou shall's" Every thing has its opposites.
Lets give life, lets be grateful for what we do have, lets remove all those things that wedge there way up above God in our minds and hearts. How about speaking the truth and telling our neighbors and loved ones and friends how awesome they are and how much they mean to us. Lets live as Mothers and Fathers worthy of the respect our office deserves.
I fall so short in all these "shall's" that I want to remember the greater story. I want it to go well for me among the land of the living! Not because I pay some pious preacher man ten percent of my wage, but because I hear Gods' voice telling me to do so. With Moses several heard the voice of God while most others didn't bear the sound of it and wanted someone else to tell them what they were supposed to do.

It is so easy to do what is wrong.
It is so easy to get pissed off like Moses did. Frustrated with others even my own kids and miss out on this promise land of Gods favor. I want to enter in to it. I don't want all this walking around and "sweating it out" to be for nothing. I want my "story " to matter. I don't want to just be some human "doing" I am a Human being. I want to be listening to the agreements (the covenant) I live under for the good. I want to be a shall and shall not-er just because I hear HIM telling me that it is the best thing for me and all those around me. Being a human being in the land of the living, having life, even in the midst of struggles; watching it going well for me.
I want to support others too so that it will go well for those lives around me.

The Dove, living here in the little cage resting and the one out in the dumpster decomposing both matter to me and they are a part of "my story". It is who I am.
Whats Your "story" ?
Who are you?
Are you wanting it all to matter, all that you are and do and say and think?
Just a rant about life.

The Ten Commandments

One

You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me
God will not be second.
Exodus 20:1–3; 1 Samuel 5:1–6; John 14:6–7; Revelation 2:1–6

In this study we will ask: Do we receive meaning and value from a Creator who bestows our identity? Or must we self-construct our own private, supreme being “Franken-god”?

Two

You Shall Not Make for Yourself an Idol
God refuses to be reduced.
Exodus 20:4–6; Acts 17:16–29

This study shows that God not only cannot be made into a physical likeness, but He cannot be manipulated and bargained with, as are all false gods.

Three

You Shall Not Misuse the Name of the LORD
God is never to be taken lightly
Exodus 3:13–15, 20:7; Matthew 5:33–37; Acts 5:1–11, 8:9–24

Profanity is taking God lightly, and this study examines why he will not allow that.

Four

Keep the Sabbath Holy
God can be trusted and enjoyed.
Exodus 20:8–11; Matthew 11:28–30; Colossians 2:16–17

This study emphasizes that we don’t always have to work in a frenzied panic to make ends meet or to accomplish the many things we feel we have to get done, and that enjoyment in life is found through God.

Five

Honor Your Father and Mother
God cares about your parents.
Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 6:4– 9; Matthew 22:36–40; Ephesians 6:1–4

This commandment is a crash course in God’s school of grace, one that for many people has included many painful hard knocks.

Six

You Shall Not Murder
God places great value on human beings.
Genesis 4:1–16; Matthew 5:21–24

This study looks at Jesus, who tells us that murder begins in our hearts and that we shouldn’t feed our anger.

Seven

You Shall Not Commit Adultery
Marriage is sacred to God.
2 Samuel 11:1–5, 14–17, 12:1–10

The prohibition against adultery is similar to the prohibition against murder: it is wrong not just because of what it does to another person, but because it is an affront to God.

Eight

You Shall Not Steal
Everything belongs to God.
Psalm 50; Malachi 3:8–10

This study looks at the fact that stealing is a form of greed, and greed is counting on money—instead of God—to make us secure.

Nine

You Shall Not Give False Testimony
Our relationships with others should be based on truth, honesty, and trustworthiness.
Psalm 26:3, 31:5; Isaiah 65:16; John 8:31–32; Ephesians 4:1–3, 15

In the Book of Proverbs, God says there are seven things he hates and lying is two of them! This study examines how lying is an attack on the very heart of relationships: the ability to count on one another.

Ten

You Shall Not Covet
God alone is our satisfaction.
Exodus 20:17; 1 Kings 3:16–28; Job 22:21–30; James 4:1–3, 6–8

When God commands us not to covet what we don’t have, He is telling us that what we truly need most is always Him, and that nothing else can truly satisfy us, no matter how good someone else’s things or life looks to us.

What is your story?

1: Where did your story begin?

2: Who wrote your story?

3: How would you change it if you could?

4: What is unique about your story?

5: What do you wish you knew about your story that you don't?

Know Your Own Story

While the children wher having there turns in the bath a wonderful conversation occured with each of my children last night. My daughter wanted to hear the "love Story " of my husband and I. My Son wanted to tell me "HIS Story " of where he came from.
Dan began with the twin towers being hit by the Jet planes and how he wished they did'nt have to of had a war before he got to come home. He spoke of Russia as a starting point. while He was speaking I had a wonderful message from God came to me. That is what this blog is all about.

I had the privalidge of a broken remote and an all nighter awake with a child . The TV was stuck on channel 21 "The story of MOSES.

It was at the point within this history of My Gods Story that Moses asked God to let the others her his voice. Moses had grown tired of evryone going to him for all the answers and then holding him to task. Balame flowed freely when the people grew fretful.
It was during this sene in the movie that the people by-in-large were blown away by the voice of God and could not bere to here GODS VOICE> A few heard with Him and they proclaimed the
10 commandments aloud together.

Know your own STORY and let our children know their story too.
It is imperative to KNOW OUR OWN STORY and how it is connected to the GREATER story of life. (ours and those around us) and the HIStory of the ages. Where do we ft in into the GREATER STORY .

Vitallity returns to the young!

WOW! What a night that was. Moments before I was going to take our daughter to the ER she was able to hold down fluids. She had a 17 hour run of food poison. She is tired but eating and drinking constantly now popcycles in and staying!

We had a wonderful family weekend. On a budget we used what we had.
We had the tires rotated on our truck, when I went to get my husband there was free lunch at the tire store. Hot dogs soda and chips. We used our memebership to the Science museum and then had supper at home. We played with the kids alot.
We only used the gas money it took to drive to the city.
I thought it was so sweet to be able to watch God provide family moments.
Thinking on what we can do is a wonderful thing to see my husband bend into.

The children were home today only two more days of school and then we have a week off till summer school for my nine year old math and reading. I want ot give her a strong foundation. It will give my son a "little" boy time. He missed out on so many months of infancy so I want to set him a foundation of "its ok to be little" he regresses under stress. I also want to work on his writing and phonics. He may need surgery this summer too.

Sleep Walking Momma

Up all night

I held her hair

Helped her pull up her underwear

Run mommy run

Then up it’d come

Having food poisoning

Is just no fun!

Dry heaves follow

Back and forth

The world needs land legs

Grandma’s cupboard

Grew old

Children hadn’t come to play

Check those expiration dates

Sleep walking momma

Her eyes are heavy today

Pop cycle stayed down

Hurray! Hurray!