who are you?

The funniest thing happened to me yesterday afternoon on the way into therapy. There were two gentleman patiently holding the elevator. They said 'don't hurry'. Up we all went to the therapy place on the third floor. One man got off on the second floor.
The elevator opened as he kindly held the door reminding me not to rush. He then disembarked the elevator after me. He turned to me saying 'I suppose we are both going to the same place'?. He extended his hand introducing himself as Hank. In turn I said mine. Then he said the strangest thing...

'Ya, but who are you"?

I kid you not, something just came over me with the echo of. Be ready in and out of season to give answer to give answer. Out my sweet little mouth without thought came...

'I am a daughter of the KING, Wife to but one man for almost 30 years, and I am tenacious!'

He looked at me and then he said...
no, whats your name?  

Laughing I said I told you it was Donetta at the elevator. We entered the offices and my mood was literally aglow.

When this came out of my mouth this energy took me over. I floated like glee into the office. The gregariousness of my personality had returned me after all these many months. Lightness was within my heart.

Another woman asked as I was in the midst of therapy...

'how are you?'

My answer was..
'I'm hurting but I am happy'!

I have just been a chatty Kathy since

Perspective
There is a powerful force in this
over the last several days my perspective has been formed and muscled into one with much less inappropriate guilt over the kids and the surgery.
Jeriann thank you for your supportive truths to help my focus. I have gone from a sense of a failed invalid mom to seeing that this may as well become a success.
It is far too true that my life is in the hands of the one who makes the trees clap their hands in the breeze. As the days approach I am seeing the hand create an opportunity for my children to gain independence that I am much more likely by nature to coddle. Not out of a lack of trust however it is more out of a feeling of obligation.
Being an adoptive mother after 16/20 years of waiting prospectively I have the common sense that I owe the world more and must do parenting with a much greater sense of humility and diligence It is an adoptive moms perspective. Squed yes but normally never spoken of out of keeping in ones place culturally speaking.
Much more peace about things today even though the mild grief over the kids having to go through this lingers. Having done nothing wrong I an taking care of their Mother. I have fought the good fight with this knee for 5 years. Made the goal of taking the kids to Disneyland earlier this summer. Dove has her 14th birthday yesterday. Made able last Saturday after infusion to take her to do a little outfit or two. We shopped. Today nail polish. My nails are even long now.

When souls reach to souls perspective can be nurtured like a tree. Made ready to clap her hands in the changing nature of time. To all those souls of greater perspectives shared...I applaud you in the reflection of the sun on my face.

Love undeserved

Friends are around us a garland that can illuminate our way. I have three such who did so last evening. We four have met for many years to celebrate each other.
It had been far too long a time and a year has flown by us. At last we sat together around a table encompassed with mutual love and affection.
My head lifted up hearing of the lives lived, the days spent with children,, husbands. Lessons of the years time. Journeys ahead of each of us. ways parting in distance only as one of us is to leave to another state, to dwell far from us. It is o.k. to be sad she said. Thinking of the courage it takes to follow ones heart to walk into the vision and the dream of long years acquired. Even in the pursuit of a dream it takes the utmost belief that courage will prevail. My friends are love personified.
I am a very blessed woman. Many surround me who really are entwined in the love we have for each other.

We all find ourselves worn and tired of life during some seasons of our days. It is then that as last night we come to refresh our souls. Often I have wondered if I effect the tired heart as they do mine.

I have a special corner of my home that is set aside a sitting place. It is a corner of love, a place soft and still. Hours of time now spent here have shown how love can impact friendship. We all each one of us have these seasons of life that call for a tender heart to hold us in a special embrace. A corner in time where we too can extend outside of the self. Times have been for me within myself. Last night was so sweet to look out to see within the lives of my friends. Little boy stitches, Jr High wisdom and the courage of long distance relocation.

I have been so low that it is love to string me up, to tie me to remind me of love. My days will become dependent on others. Once again to lean into the kindness of those around me. It is for me a tipped scale for it is I who have been given more than any other. It is toward me that the cup flows. I have turned my head in a sort of inappropriate shame. Being so served, so loved, so cared for caused me great pause. For it is I who have had such a cup of compassion given.

I am a burden to others or at least that is what the enemy of my soul would have me believe. For who could ever deserve the kindness and generosity afforded me. "you have had enough you have had your share".
On empathy...those who have chronic illness are annoying. They bother folks. At least that is what some of us have allowed ourselves to believe. Now after years of looking like a person due the accusations of hypochondriac and Munchhausen the soul gets whittled down to the knee. In my case literally. I knew something was terribly wrong for several years before the Primary immune deficiency was identified. Now all those years just look like an embarrassment as judgement is dished out by some yet who do not get it.

That has left this woman depressed. Oh the words of a single man can wipe out the balm of so so many.
Thank God that man is NOT my husband.

Last night however sitting in that circle of friends...so depressed left me to wonder why it is that they love and care about me so. The three of them had it up their sleeve for several months now. To get us all together to celebrate each others birthdays...they were celebrating me...
I was so unaware, so caught up in loving them, seeing them after so long. Hearing them and enjoying just having us all together. I always feel like I wished I had done so much more for each of them sitting there. All I had given of tangible were simple necklaces made with one hand (literally). I chose findings that were special to the thought of each of them.

The three of them had gotten together some time back apparently and pitched in as a whole to give me a beautiful watch for my 50th birthday.  Then they added how they wanted to really do it up big...
Why do they love me as they do? How could others pour themselves out so when it has only been in my heart to do for them. Not so in my actions. Have you ever wondered why your loved so when it is not in anything deserved. They simply love me. I must of at one time really touched their hearts. I can't remember it.

Some in my lifetime have seamed to really resent that I am so loved by so many. I think that has made me feel so sad that they deserved to know this love too. It has left me feeling a guilt that does not belong to me.

It is like the world around me needs so much to know this love and I have been given so much of it...

Sitting yesterday in Physical Therapy for the first of what will be many many months ahead...it was awaken in me. I remembered sitting there so many many years ago. Seeing each soul pained in body as in soul in many cases woke me up a bit. It is time to intercede. It is come a day to once again sit pained in body lifting the souls of those who will be around me. Sharing the suffering. It is in that that my own suffering will be released.
I will have 6-8 sessions of physical therapy to get my quad ready for the total knee replacement scheduled on August 8th. With a shoulder impingement we will also be working to ready it for the use of the walker. It also looks as if my left wrist has a possible torn cartilage. We will be able to treat my shoulder as we did the knee and just keep it going as long as we can before corrective surgery will be indicated. My wrist is being guarded and injection of cortisone has calmed it enough for me to even type YA!
It has all just been too much.
The kids school begins 8/3 for Dash, 8/10 for Dove and my knee replacement on 8/8. The hardest thing is not being able to be there for the kids the way I want to. 

Pain has been tough, soon however it will be all but unbearable. Please if you could again afford me the kindness I do not deserve by holding up my little family in prayer. I am wrecked with guilt (fed by others as well) over my kids place in all this.  Many have spoken words of balance as to defuse those hurtful spoken things that float around in my head as it is. It is in the thoughtlessness of those few the battle is fought.

Utility progress by moving the refer and freezer inside.

On the 7th of July we moved the units into the house. On the 8th they were chilling down. Notice the decline each day. Now they are not in my favorite place in some ways. In many ways this is an ease and convenience with meal preparations. Not only do the units work so much easier, the garage/ laundry room door stays shut.

The savings will be so huge!

By looking up your utility company online you too can track your usage. Give it a try. We have our billing on an average monthly plan. We also use 'time of use plan'. In the last quarter we were able to bring the monthly bill down $25 every month. I am so excited to see what will come of the savings on the refrigerator and the subzero freezer inside.





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