Knowing; never be alone in it again.

For it has now been a month out from the gift of this new knee.  How I have challenged greet changes in my character. How much suffering at the neglect of proper pain control repeatedly. Yet how neglected a thought of so so many many opportunities to see Gods hand upon me.

Again Friday once more in the face of a lack of pain medication I saw His hand came for me mercifully.

It was that at my physical therapy appointment that a rap camp upon the door. Softly at first then again, as I lay there in the dark. Heat upon and under my knee and my back, electric stem as well. She tipped her head in. "your husband is on the phone, He is asking about the authorization from the surgeons office. He is at the pharmacy trying to pick up the prescription"

Laying there I began to weep. Then the thought of it being a Friday I wept I shook. Knowing what it has been to repeatedly suffer the full bore of bone to metal. Knowing full well that error upon error has pressed my mental stamina and physical endurance to my limits of reason and sanity...I wept.


'Please Please Please Please God have mercy on me. No more'

As the lights came on, ringing a stop to the comfort of the heating pads. My breadth pulled in within me. The front staff helped as we came to find that the surgeon has NO after hour contact. I called the Walgreen's bypassing the call center going straight to store.


There he was His name was John. He made every effort to no avail yet told me he would let me know. Retuning to therapy with trepidation the choice to go on was made. Either way I was in for a hurt. Sooner or later but both. With knee replacement one can not allow the tissue to go un worked or a limp will be so the rest of days.
Steve came for me with my beautiful daughter in tow. We headed for home.
A vision came of me in the wheelchair in store. Many calls so far out of Johns duties was met an OK by my primary doctor who was at home. He succeeded for us.

Mercy mine. 

As rest and pain are yet a balancing task.
Was there not mercy when the outcomes were unmet?When hour after hour I felt the fullness of pain. Knowing the bone connection. Was there not mercy even then?

In this I know what it is to suffer unbearable pain. In this I have witnessed faces forced to do nothing but stand by and watch. What it is to have a friend hold me as my fist pound out in retched pain (Lisa always within my heart your prayer and embrace). What it is to risk a pill to ease it, not knowing the long term consequences. What it is to be loved by so many. What it looks like when others are not. The face of loneliness and fear of isolation. What it is for our elders in their hour of need when imprisoned in nursing home bureaucracy. The kindness of one soul who took me under her care because "you felt so alone in this". The delight of admiration from others while I was in the face of courage. To go home to a professional group that will help me get fine, feel safe to rest. So many things yet to clarify. To have an amazing friend, a husband who has always loved me as this.

Tonight sitting here in the silence of the summer rain I know mercy. Mercy that knowing all of the horrid things over this last month they will become turned into a passion, love. Toward myself first then others likewise who too know 'alone'. They might in my knowing never be alone (without someone understanding what it is like) in it again.

Happy indepence

may the spirit of interdependence envelop us this weekend as we celebrate our nations independence.
this year i fell off the map. the oceans deep and wells dry became me
fatigue of spirit withdrawl into daily life
this year life felt too mundain and boring to even speak about.
coming to terms with health stuff
dripping of it speech repulsed me
being hurt and angry kept me pulled in and silent not just here but in life in general
numb
now the breath is returned with gaining better understanding
the primary immune conference made a huge difference
there i met people from all over the world who like me spent years off medical abuse through ignorance
there were others who were all but made to think they were nuts, hypochondriac longing for negative affection/attention
all the while knowing instinctively something was terribly wrong
even having effect on family and friends who became fatigued into doubt

anger consumed me as gratitude meld into pain
gratitude was all that it seamed was permissible in a social setting
why do we do that to each other?
encouragement must be inclusive if empathy
CVIG PATIENTS loose that privilege because when, or even if they get diagnosed properly all that care about them are so worn out by the years of complaint (justly so)

hidden illnesses under the cover of CVIG LOW IGa for me.. RED FLAGS WHEN ALL ARE RECURRENT
dental decay (18 root canals)
joint issues
fatigue
high rate of infections high use of antibiotics
asthma
copd
ear infections
hearing loss
bowel issues GIRD
MS scare and the testing for it lumbar punctures
early onset dementia
food allergy
cancer scare (breast,bowel)
strange issues unexplainable leaving doctors stumped


CVID LOW IGa leaves all the mucus membranes without the defense against bacteria

now meeting others and having someone really understand what it has been like...priceless
now i am independant of self doubt
justified of all the indignities
allowed now my own sorrow
perhaps now i can come home to my own heart
embracing my body as my own (such strong self doubt can leave one disconnected)

It was said to me that "my body is my friend" i have NEVER felt that way before

realizing how good it has been through all these years of misdiagnosis, ridicule and imposed shame. Well indeed it has been

thinking on all the things that suffered me without resolve only bandages that were often torn off in cruel suspicion...

i can see the goodness of my heart shining through. fear of becoming bitter...i am not bitter i won

Tis' a gift to be simple tis' a gift to be free.

 

Click on image to purchase

Good morning
This day was full of family chores and tasks. Lawn seed planted while children cleaned the dung up and hubby turned the compost. Now after a full family breakfast I rest a while. Thinking about some of my old post I got to reading them. This old post reminded me of things I wanted to hear myself. So here is a partial re post.
I hope you enjoy.

I am going to do my best to explain the things I am learning and just hope that folk don't misunderstand and think I am far from God.

Oh No we are just walking this thing out together.

Gods ways are higher than ours.

I have lived with some pretty non scriptural religious ideas of what I should be like or able to do.

Lord knows I did my very best to follow those ideas to the letter, trying to be a good believer.

Those Pharisee things that just don't much lift a finger to help really.

They become more of a thumb pressing down to keep you in check all the while that heart of yours is saying I'm a faking it tell I make it...I must be doing something wrong is the lie.

NO maybe ya just need some practical help to understand what stops your ability to do so.

It is my hope that the honesty and transparency will remove stigmas and assumptions from the "church" community as to what it might look like to become.

It is not by pure belief

WE HAVE TO WORK IT OUT FOLKS

Now if your working it out and ya think that folks...

other believers, might think your faith weak or less than do not let that stop you.

There are so many who lift that finger and add the hand reaching out to lift ya up.

You who do not know Christ

know this His love is not like those rulers who set lots of rules on folks and then sit back and condemn them when they do not think or pray or believe themselves out of their chains.

Loving Christians truly do add a heart not only full of prayer but also practical solutions that just perhaps nobody ever bothered to tell ya.

You speak up ask and if there is any shame placed on ya for doing so Dear Hearts just you shake it off.

His peace is within the storm.

This life is a storm that only He can calm the waters of.

When your strength gains up and the next gale blows know you did not cause it, there is a battle going on.

It has been against you from your first breadth, Satan-evil-darkness- the war began a long time before the beginning of time as we know it.

God wins, that's the good news the hard news is that you been on one side or the other.

Those folks who raised you were one one side or the other.

Even when on Gods side the trickster can so easily circumvent lives by simply twisting truth, lying so folk don't even know whats right from wrong.

So many casualties of childhood walking around in grown bodies just really trying to make folks proud.

Can't even find a safe place to risk being humble.

Left not even knowing who they were intended to be.

Feeling like you just really never belonged anywhere.

Stumbling at every mission you set your heart too because your wounds sabotage your efforts.

Leaving you feeling incompetent at life.

That is the intent, the mortal wound.

Hope this is always a safe place to be...

Hope that you can be yourself, unashamed, unabashed, true heart even if wrong willing to turn round right and come on down to where ya ought to be.

I am becoming free from battle scares of my childhood.

That does not make me a victim, a weak unbelieving Christian but a warrior for Christ.

tis' a gift to be simple tis' a gift to be free

tis' a gift to climb down where we ought to be

and when we find ourselves in the place just right

twill be in the valley of love and delight

ya know...?

Thankful Thursday

 Monday's battle over the 'bad guys' with Dash.

Addressing the RAD is a challenge.

Simply playing army with him really helped him calm.

Good morning!

Wow yesterday was a day! 

After taking the kids school shopping on Monday from 10am-5pm then a special needs neighbor kid over night. Tuesday evening after supper every cell in my body just ached for rest.

Yesterday(Wednesday) NO energy.

Tuesday night  I woke up in an asthma attack bummer...My next infusion is Saturday so it is wearing off. This morning however I do have some strength a lot better than yesterday. I slept almost all night with the cpap on Ya that is hard to accomplish with that mask on my face.  Dressed upon waking this morning and even hosed off the front porch and swept the rocks off the path. Feels real good. Just have to pace myself. I so hope it last longer today. Kids are yet asleep. Nice quiet morning and the dishwasher is hummin'. Dogs are at rest after I gave them an apple halved. They do love that. Besides the stink (they need a bath) it is really nice to have then in. The old girl, my golden she has a hard time yet getting through the dog door unless you tap the opening for her. Our lab  leads her in or shows her out. It is really sweet. Just wish he smelled sweeter. With nice clothing on and little reserved energy I am hesitant to start a dog bath on him. Just don't know if it will spend me. The day is so new I want the feeling to last.

Today Today I am thankful for today.
(Hours later)

My little darlings are feed french toast, a better friend was made in a sibling, Good foods offered mine own body. This is the work of my hands I find satisfaction in it. My day is enjoyable and peaceful and the kids play and enjoy the few days they have left here at home all day. School begins soon.

Well peaceful till they got carried away in the other room with a pillow fight. Dove is with sensory integration stuff unable to tell when she is over exerting her strength she does not get that she is going over board and brother always gets hurt. He was falling off the bed and she did not hear him ask for help. He hit his head. Dove is mortified that she hurt him, Dash is mad and angry and blaming. So the day goes on. When he calms he remembers her heart is not full of mean and remembers that she did not mean him any harm in any way.

Dash I say "I am sorry you got hurt"
He said " she did it on purpose it was her stupid moronic ridiculous stupid idea to play!"
I reminded him "I am sorry your hurt, right now your angry cause you lost out on the fun you two were having and now your blaming...cause that's what you do..."


Dove did you hear him asking for help? "no mom" She is sad and tries to give Dash an ice pack and he throws an army guy at her.
He refused any comfort. I tell him son your rejecting the very thing you want. You want to have attention and yet your pushing it away. I will not get angry because I know you want me to get angry at you so you can feel punished. I will not buy into it. If you want to be angry be angry I will not get angry with you.

She said "he threw it and I don't care if he did"...to which I say
"Well Dove you do care that he did or it would of not upset you. You are pushing it down inside and not owning how bad you feel about the accident and how upset you are that when you tried to amend then he threw the guy. You must learn to own it and never stuff it down inside."
"OK mom"
She nods her head in agreement. Smiles hidden hurts bubble up and she smiles in relief of the exhale.


Five minutes latter...
Dash is no longer angry. Invites me to watch a movie. "I will not watch a movie with you until after your able to have peace with your sister"


They are once again playing with abandon while watching a movie. I was invited to watch with him now there is peace so off I go. I think it is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Man I wish I had some candy now :) ha

Ecclesiates

^{2: 24} A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, ²⁵ for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? ²⁶ To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

^{Ecclesiates 3:} 

²² So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?

^{Ecclesiates 12:13}

  Now all has been heard;
       here is the conclusion of the matter:
       Fear God and keep his commandments,
       for this is the whole duty of man.

 ¹⁴ For God will bring every deed into judgment,
       including every hidden thing,
       whether it is good or evil.

Easter was a shakin'

Hello every one, I hope all of you enjoyed your day of resurrection remembrance. That day the earth shook.

We were at the Grandparents today the adults all four of us visiting around the table and felt a funny jolt. Steve was staring at the chandelier and we all looked us to see it rocking and swaying, he said..." I think we just had an earthquake. We all went into the other room and sure enough the other chandelier was ricking and swaying.
A 7.2 hit some 300? miles from here in Mexicali on the boarder. Aftershock hit 10 minutes later of a 5.2 and 20 minutes later of a 4.9? some 200? miles up north, off the coast of California.

Strange thing was the children were with us at a performance and I spoke to them about the moment of the Death of Jesus the Christ the whole earth turned dark, and the earth shook. Now at the performance this fact was made a good representation. I whispered to the kids that the curtain in the Holy of Holy's was torn from top to bottom. That this was an event that marked that day in History as fact. Evidence that has lasted all these years.

Today here on Easter Sunday the South West was hopefully reminded of that FACT.

Saturday I attended the American Sewers Guild Meeting  (Let Me know if your interested) and learned a wonderful technique to make a collar for a garment in one piece , cool stuff. After I enjoyed a few hours with my sister at a fabric store. Beading supplies were 30% off and the Guild membership gives us another 10% off. Big smile! So I got some crimps and findings and storage containers and a long lay out board. More importantly I enjoyed my sister.
We went over to her house for a little while and had a little visit at her table while playing with her beautiful collection of cut stone critters or fetishes (a Native American art form). She told me how she had always desired a necklace of one so for many many years she collected them one by one. The necklace in traditional style are all critters stacked one upon another with a bear usually the center.

Then she showed me a magnificent gift she had received from a dear friend who passed on a couple years ago. She showed me one of all different stones. Then two others of pure turquoise. Each animal only 1/2 inch high and the whole of a 30 in necklace. Just amazing craftsmanship!
To think of her desire of so many years collecting and treasuring the few (barely enough to create half a necklace) here she was gifted with three. It was wonderful to see the admiration and treasure these are to her. For her to share them with me was special.

They have many of their floors torn up to be replaced with new floors. It is my guess that it was the reason for the issues of the last 24 hours. My breathing is real bad. Real bad. Only four breaths to a cough up of moisture. Oh mercy mercy I do hope that this is not the third repeat of the year. It has been less than two weeks from the last time. I sat in church this morning and just prayed along with the actor as he, the blind man, sang "heal me"...

I remembered how when I first was a fire for the emote so strong when my new days came to be after asking Jesus within my heart. It took me back making that moment almost 30 years ago fresh as the very moment...

My daughter and I spoke candidly last night. I shared with her that I had feared I had failed her in my anger and poor behaviors dealing with my PTSD stuff. That I was so very concerned for her. She had recently told me that she did not want to pray because God does not hear our prayers anyway.  I told her I knew her brother knew God and loved him, that he had asked Jesus within his heart. However I told her I was unsure of her. I shared a lesson of how just because a prayer is prayed and God does not answer it the way or in the time you desire that it in no way means he did not hear you. I told her the story of becoming her Mother. 16 years I prayed and let go in desperation to be freed from the torment of longing. It was then Steve came to me and we began the adoption process. God did say yes to me but it was in His time. God does say no too. He knows that we need Him to say no sometimes to keep us a right and along the path he sets before us.

During the play...My daughter...leaned into me...and said..."mom I do accept Jesus, I do believe in God"...

Oh
OH
Happy Easter, from the depths of my heart to yours.

Easter has been a shakin' here in my day.

Humble friday delighting in life

Oh all of you sweet darlings. I had not a chance to come by and let you all in on the busy day yesterday. I just had a moment to say thank you.
First off amazingly my ankle and knee were only a little bit by the sprain and it did not slow me down until early evening and then I was ready to get off my feet.

(half hour later)
dishes soaking, morning table cleared. Kids to the buss stop a walk around the block

So any way my ankle ? it is alright, La te da had a post on a good foot soak the night I fell and that is what we were referring too. My knee took it a bit tender but is do able. This morning my wrist a bit swollen looks forward to getting into that dish water. Take the motivation where I can get it Ha!

Great news yesterday at Doves testing and Phyc appointment. She has been declared to NOT have ADHD (inactive), The anxiety disorder and the social cognitive is still at issue. That is such wonderful news for us!
We are so delighted.

So the Grieving?...
Well on Tuesday I took great courage and tackled another session of EMDR to address the Post Traumatic Stress issues that challenge me. It was a real hard one. When I was a little one, after my sister went off to kindergarten and the others were at school. My mother and H. went to the cafe to work the day I was left in the "care " of bill (lower case intended) . This evil man sold me for the dollar to have unspeakable things filmed. Tore me up in every way and I had the courage to tell someone what happened. Seams the secretes of our lives hold such a chain on our souls.

I have freed my heart from a great tormenting cruel lie that has been over me from that time some 44 years ago. The lie? "kindness is undeserved to me as is value of self hood. As much as I have tried to believe the words spoken to the contrary it never really permeated my soul.

It was a real hard couple of days literally was not able to stand well after the session, the body remembers. It was mortifying to speak the details and remember those things I so wanted to forget. Recalling is letting it go, trying to push it away is just really holding onto it. Letting old things go and pressing on is such a perplexing concept and in religion can become cruel. God is not cruel to me however and trusting in Him and in the process I am finding amazing all be it painful restoration.

The pleasure of looking at my children and just delighting in the silly childhood innocence is like a silver lining in what was once little more than a stormy sea. Constantly trying to pull my head above water replaced with floating in it more peacefully. I know that I have some more freedoms to fight for. As hard as it is it is a joy to set free the real me I am created to be. Now I see dimly but then face to face. The lights are rising up and the face is beautiful in it's reflection.

So my tackle was great as was the reward for doing so. It is so terrible the things that the young ones suffer at the hand of the oppressor.


Well there was Dove on the tellie she forgot her field trip slip. Gotta run

The Gift to be Simple

Today I practiced some new things in my morning schedule, that daily thing we do from when we open our eyes.

Sometimes I just forget who I am.

Do you ever feel that way?

I was refreshed today as this wonderfully awkward process is chugging along.

I have learned so many liberating things that have continued to build my character and stance in Becoming.

I think some misunderstanding and even perhaps a bit of religious judgments made. Well I am right where I am supposed to be. Healing those very deep lies that few practice the courage to heal. Makes it sound so dark and gloomy but ya all tell me that you don't hide some wounds that have an impact on who your heart tells you you really are.

The garden is all tucked away for the night.

A wonderful supper of Spanish rice with home grown zucchini diced fine and left a bit crunchy added in.

Some basil also. That is cut back for the frost bit it hard. I had to hang all of the cloth on line to dry.

We lost the rain water for a pipe came apart in the system, I think it was just and oversight on Steve's part.

I have had an absolutely lovely day.

That tending me first in the morning really set the stage for a progressive morning of parenting.

We had extra time to even do a bit of the Esteem Booster questions on security.

The kids opened up and shared their minds a bit.

LOVED IT!

So many accomplishments around here inside and out.

The master bedroom with all clean linens.

Pictures hung more to my liking and candles at the tub.

You know that called for a hot bath this evening.

ME>>>taking time to just take a slow bath?

Mercy! this could really catch on

:)

Today as I was ...I danced

I am going to do my best to explain the things I am learning and just hope that folk don't misunderstand and think I am far from God.

Oh No we are just walking this thing out together.

Gods ways are higher than ours.

I have lived with some pretty non scriptural religious ideas of what I should be like or able to do.

Lord knows I did my very best to follow those ideas to the letter, trying to be a good believer.

Those Pharisee things that just don't much lift a finger to help really.

They become more of a thumb pressing down to keep you in check all the while that heart of yours is saying I'm a faking it tell I make it...I must be doing something wrong is the lie.

NO maybe ya just need some practical help to understand what stops your ability to do so.

It is my hope that the honesty and transparency will remove stigmas and assumptions from the "church" community as to what it might look like to become.

It is not by pure belief

WE HAVE TO WORK IT OUT FOLKS

Now if your working it out and ya think that folks...

other believers, might think your faith weak or less than do not let that stop you.

There are so many who lift that finger and add the hand reaching out to lift ya up.

You who do not know Christ

know this His love is not like those rulers who set lots of rules on folks and then sit back and condemn them when they do not think or pray or believe themselves out of their chains.

Loving Christians truly do add a heart not only full of prayer but also practical solutions that just perhaps nobody ever bothered to tell ya.

You speak up ask and if there is any shame placed on ya for doing so Dear Hearts just you shake it off.

His peace is within the storm.

This life is a storm that only He can calm the waters of.

When your strength gains up and the next gale blows know you did not cause it, there is a battle going on.

It has been against you from your first breadth, satan-evil-darkness- the war began a long time before the beginning of time as we know it.

God wins, that's the good news the hard news is that you been on one side or the other.

Those folks who raised you were one one side or the other.

Even when on Gods side the trickster can so easily circumvent lives by simply twisting truth, lying so folk don't even know whats right from wrong.

So many casualties of childhood walking around in grown bodies just really trying to make folks proud.

Can't even find a safe place to risk being humble.

Left not even knowing who they were intended to be.

Feeling like you just really never belonged anywhere.

Stumbling at every misson you set your heart too because your wounds sabatage your efforts.

Leaving you feeling incompitent at life.

That is the intent, the mortal wound.

Hope this is always a safe place to be...

Hope that you can be yourself, unashamed, unabashed, true heart even if wrong willing to turn round right and come on down to where ya ought to be.

I am becoming free from battle scares of my childhood.

That does not make me a victim, a weak unbelieving Christian but a warrior for Christ.

tis' a gift to be simple tis' a gift to be free

tis' a gift to climb down where we ought to be

and when we find ourselves in the place just right

twill be in the valley of love and delight

ya know...?

Wow I fixed it! It is the new blogger editor a page break I think?

Well folks had a full day. I got the free garden soil and loaded it this morning. Met a wonderful woman who has many similar interests. It was a 5 foot by 15 foot by 2 ft deep bed of the most beautiful mix  of vermiculite, compost and mulch. I stopped and got 15 blocks at a 1$ each and made a bed for the lettuce. There is a lot of gardening and home decor going on here. Play dates as well. With the spring break I think the house will be busy with the many kids who are friends with mine who will need a place to be.

I will try to get some photos tomorrow. I am so blessed all I have need of....Ask.

the potting soil is just this gardeners delight. My body had an all day work out. Loaded the dirt into the truck, hung a drape, worked in the class with 6 kids. Had a kid over to watch a movie with my kids...Then I unloaded the 15 block and used the wheel barrow to get them into the garden. Made the new bed and lined it. When Steve got home he unloaded the soil as I finished up the raised bed and watered it real well. Tomorrow I plant lettuce perhaps and herbs (seed).

LAUNDRY!!!! need me too.

It is a good life to see the supply come with such sweet souls living...This ol globe gets a bad reputation that there are so few good folk left. Well I am just really amazed at how many of them have come across the path with me.

I am really looking forward to Florida. Got to grow in this being loved thing...need to learn to trust it will be alright (safe) to receive it. Came up for me this week that I can love easily (pretty much) receiving it though just cuts me wide open...slays me sorta. That old baggage. Gotta work at setting it down. My job this week for me is to accept my humanity with balance of course. I do not have to be just right., and when I'm not it will be just fine.

Self compassion. 
Read about it here

Spiritual Sundays

Standing up to Meanness

Friday I opened my heart up just an inch about the loss of my nephew this year to suicide and the pending arrival of the child he fathered.
I tenderly spoke of how his death pains me.

Anonymous found it necessary to be mean.

Meanness is a silencer.
It divides and conquers the very absence of fellowship that it demands.

It's amazing to me the ability to track that our technology and a very intelligent person may have.

Mean people come in all packages.
I have always believed that meanness is based in a wounded heart.
Thus they tend to do a bit of transference to everyone they come around.
Funny though that they often can desire (or perhaps appear too) to be kind and may even spend time and effort being so.
Thus the most confusing part of loving mean people.
I am called to compassion yet I do not have to tolerate, nor Mean Person do you , have to tolerate those covert behaviors in your own self.
We all have the choice to mature in our Character.
I would hope for your sake that you continue to do so.
If not it will be a terribly lonely life for you I am sure.
Meanness pushes away the very thing your after...

All the attention you were denied!


Now when hearts are tender and they receive meanness from others it can really impale us.
Down from the stake this morning come I.
I realized the transference.

I grieve for those who find it satisfying to transfer there wound onto others.
But it is their responsibility NOT OURS to care for, manage and do the work to heal themselves...not ours.
The depth of loneliness, shame and impending rejection that they must live with every day.

Now although I do care about those Mean Folks...
I will spend no more of my time pulling away because of them!
This is MY BLOG!

So anonymous with the deepest sincerity I do grieve those things that left you the way you are.
I do pray for you that your heart might heal.

It is in the Spirit of the LIVING LOVING GOD that I am able to do so.

My Dear Covering of a husband opened my eyes to the error of just erasing your comment.
It would perhaps of been good to let you my readers address such a one.

As He said also it is good that you who love me and who are those who truly care of my sorrow over the loss of my Dear Nephew
that was such an important part my young adult life
Never being able to be close to him due to the madness of my family of origin.
that was such an important part of our early marriage...
this child who I saw come to my door in a vision so many years after last I saw him...
Who knocked on my door that vision just days before my first trip to Russia...
Who asked me if I would be willing to receive those who came in the car that day with him.
It was at his request and the Lords preparation of a repeated vision of the event that took place...seeing what played out year after year in that vision...
This child whom I prayed and wept over year after year as did I his cousins and the siblings I was forced to remain in isolation from...
in order to not take my own life...
This young man who poured his heart out to me several months before His death...
This young adult that I simply could not help.
This soul who was so used and chased by people and the world around him.
This young man who chose to follow the path that lead slowly to his destruction who found it too difficult to follow any other way .
Far to many obstacles in his life ...his path.

This child whom I loved.
I grieve over.

Though I am not his mother,his sister or the mother of his child .
I watched his life unfold from a
(necessary self imposed for survival)
distance and grieved and wept and yes at times rejoiced.
A child with a heart so loving and so generous and kind that he in his own way even went so far in his despair and wound as to lay his life down in utter defeat.

So to all you Mean Spirited folk as Much as I have compassion for you and chose moment by moment to practice kindness to you...
I will not be defeated by the wound that lashes out from you!

For Greater is
HE WHO DWELLS IN ME
than he who provokes the wound.

Perhaps joining us over here might just give you what you need

Thankful Thursday

Summer time is the theme for the day...
Join us over here


How good it is to be loved the balance is a marvelous thing.

Now even though I got a very healthy stress relieving belly laugh out of the comment my Sister made about it being illegal to work folk so hard as I do...
I got her point.

I know she is right in some respects the health issues and the stress of such a heavy load is life (literally) consuming.
However it is also life giving.
If I do not keep a full life I will not be doing as well as I am at maintaining my mental stamina. Yet it is a bit over the top, with a sick husband it has fallen for me to carry his load a little more in the yoke.

I was telling her how I had totally forgotten that I had gone through all that testing sometime back and had proven out that the issues with my brain matter was not early onset dementia. It was NOT.
Kids I forgot that I even had that testing!
I got so full of fear about the Altimeters threat that I just crumbled.
These lesions and migraines in the white matter like to play silly tricks on me.
It was when I was in prayer that God showed me doing all those tests and the Doctor saying that I was so very highly intelligent and really making such a point of it. I saw in the memory of it her face.

Now what ever the little dance is that the demilenation/brain injury is causing well that is something I live with.

Every day is new.
HA!
Well sometimes that "ha"
turns to tears, heart ache, fear, embarrassment and grief.
I get so heated in it that...
the summers hot and burning me with self pitty.
It has been a hard thing to be so bright and not to have a recall or ability at times to pull up those things I want out of this little ol data bank. Then I do yes get to feeling sorry for myself, frustrated with the remnants of whats left of who I am.

There in come the assault!
The weapons formed against me. Forgetting what is before me pressing on into it without the memory of what I know in HIM just splays me open.
And I will tell you that is very frustrating and I am guilty I think of turning my face away from Him a bit and just trying to cope through it.

Coping alone is survival and I think I have been in that former old familiar survival mode here for a while sorry if you stepped in it and I hope ya all can wipe it off your shoe
:)


This morning I awoke to a clean kitchen
I walked away last night to tend to driving that little kid home.
Spending time with each of my own on my arrival home and just living guilt free.

Guilt free with gratitude I received the help I really needed.
My husband did the dishes.
We worked on the counters together before I had left.I was able to walk into the kitchen after my 2 hour work out in the garden.
I walked into this.
I received this without feeling guilty for the help...without feeling embittered because I needed it...without feeling like an imposition to my lovin husband...or a bad Proverbs 31 woman to see the My man at the sink working.
Funny guy he said this morning joking with me
" Now don't mess up my clean kitchen"
To which I replied
"So just how then are we gunna come up with anything to eat?"
With a rye smile we both gave a little chuckle

We walked out one end and I the other to go out to tend to the earth.
We bidding each other a good day and a hug.

Well here is where I left off this morning.
The beds are made and it is nearing time to seed.
There is yes earth to move and the soil amended.

Alright then thankful for summer.
The uniform of summer in the garden.
Now I drank a good 16 oz of water and that yellow bandanna recycled it all.Ha
The earth has been moved and the lumps clumps and bumps turned into a nice soil. It is being filled each day a bit. Just got to hot and tired by 8:30 to go any further and it was time to tend the children.

The girls said thanks and that Ruby is glad to be home.
No eggs yet...these little bantie chickens are wanting some greens.
We were diligent to wait the week out. Spent nothing all week as to keep true to task on the budget. I am so looking forward to some greens myself.

It is good that in the midst of the heat we can find a shade.
Like the chickens enduring the heat till they all but go lame.

I too am grateful that under the heat of the molten that the dross is rising up out of me to get skimmed of a bit more.
Summers time is a time of intensity that is often needed to get us ready for the fall. The soil had to get all dug up cleaned and ready. Soon to have amendments that restore it to it's full potential.

So I suppose the fall is coming in several weeks.
By summers end on my face I fall humbled and thankful to see that even I who have known Him so intimately can be tipped over to let that dross dribble off me caught with me sweat cloth to wipe it away from my brow.

Living life to the top! Week end in review

I do not much remember Friday...
Dove and I took a trip to Costco and I found a new swim suit and got the cup cakes for her.

How can so much life fit into two days?
Cupcakes were purchased and we were all set to be off by 8:45 to the rink.
Of course like all party days a little stress was had, moments before the exit.
I keep forgetting to take my medications.
Then many hours later by ill effect we realize what is happening.
Of all things to forget!
I grabbed them and took them at the rink "thank goodness"!

Our party had been given favor to have a free lesson before the skate. Now I went to great efforts to accomplish this for the kids with timing and all.
I had to all but twist the arms to get them to participate.
Dash would not, he skates like a mad man run a muck. Gets him around the rink, in a very entertaining manner.
Dove finally joined in and showed good skills. I even donned a pair of skate.
There was a really nice guy that came over and kept an eye on me.
He said mam we have a class for the adults, I declined to stay with Dove.
He said "it is a much easier call"

Deciding to skip the hard parts, and being very sweaty from the really hard work it is to skate....well it was still very fun.
Noticing my Beloveds face strained sadly I realize it is very true that my days of skating put all who depend on me at great risk of losing my abilities.
I might just have been my last skate...boo

Dove has pink hair from an event at the elementary.
I have yet to be able to get that stuff of of her scalp!

Only three of the seven kids showed.
One of the little girls who was not invited saw to that...
She called here to invite herself!
I overheard and told Dove "No" that I had a budget and she had 10 kids only to attend and then kindly reiterated that to the kid on the phone.
You see I use speaker all the time when I am on the phone.
With a hearing problem this is the only way The tones and such are easy for me to make out.
So the family is accustom to answering the phone this way.
Worked out well because the kids calls can be monitored.
Well Dove was thrilled, she had told the girl no.
Mom, however took that off of her.
She thanked me.

After a long time of skate and games the booth time came about.
She then was called to the DJ booth and got to speak up on microphone and everyone said happy birthday to her.

The booth gleaned her 75 tickets, I was so relieved that she got something.
I thought she had nothing.

Then there was sponge bob.
The 4 kids foreground and a boy were in our attendance.
3 guests yet I still had to pay for 10:{
So that little twerp made an impact.
Too bad for her she is given no instruction by her parents.
Nor are those who are intimidated by her strong enough to withstand her.
Bad thing that kid is going to turn into.

Dove still had fun.
One of the two girls that came was acting center stage and more than once Dove whispered to me about it.

Kids will get attention when they can.
So this was a strange party.
My sweet freind D. came she and her boy are real treasures. I skated with and for the kids.
dove had begged me too.
So I missed time with D. that was awkward, but it was right that I skate with and for the birthday girl.

Dove was so happy.
It was a real nice time.

I had to leave 15 minutes before the end of the party.
Well I had to leave.

My girl friends invited me here.
Fancy

Oh my goodness...
Humbly I tell you of this outpouring of generosity and kindness.

My friends sat me at the head of the table...
The least of these amazing women...
These are dear dear friends of many years of sisterhood of the heart.
We are all captivating women who have understood who we are in Christ.
(Stacy and John Eldridge, Captivating a must read)
Our husbands all love God with passion.

We shared our updates on our present days.
Each live a marvelous work and a wonder.
All have uncommon lives.
Different in so many ways...it is those differences that we find growth.

I sat there amazed at how it felt to be so honored like that.
It was so ...well so humbling to be lifted up in you love and thoughtfulness.
Showered with gifts of words and of tangible treasures.
My heart overflowed.
Oh they are so beautiful thes women.

The tea was so touchingly precious.
It fealt like I was recieving all of those teas that my heart wished to offer others and often did.
It was those days when some of you came and spontaneously we shared a cup adn a cookie form my oven.

I received the luxury of a 4 course meal.
A bowl of fruit
soup
salad
deserts.

I think we tried 4 teas with the pot always warmed.
I never even lifted a finger to do it.
Sorry if it sounds weird , but that just was so amazing.
I want to do it now for others here more.
I want to treat all of you readers to a tea.
A time where you feel as I felt yesterday.
Lifted up.
Taken to the head of the table.
Like some matriarch I sat with all of you loving on me.
I am honored to be called your friend .
You have lifted me.
I am refreshed...

I had a surprise that another good friend showed, to join our circle.
It had been some time that we had gone without being together.

I loved this arbor!

Look at all this generosity and kindness!
They would not let me pay for my lunch.
We have never splurged like that before.
I teared up over that little angel and shovel.
Funny how some things just touch your heart so deep.
One of the gifts is a little Hummel tea set.
I had given Dove mine.
I thought well she is a little girl grown now up, I felt I had to show her I had confidence in her to take care of it.
Now I have one just for me again.
It has a baby and a sunflower on the pot and plates.
TOO CUTE!
See the little bag of sead, well you bake a bird feeder cake!
and the note pads say...
"Who loves a garden , Still his eaden keeps"
pretty image of a younger me, with sunflowers.
Funny thing getting older, all those years of noticing flows...
Now I see how really pretty I was as a young woman.

When I pulled up to the house there was an
AIR CONDITIONING REPAIR
truck out front!

ua oh!

The ac needed to have the coil cleaned and when steve touched it
I sprung a leak!
Our dear friend , who just started to work with my darling had lost his ac unit on Friday.
He was good friends with a fellow is who is renowned locally for industrial ac.
Well we got a referral to HINKLE AC
They were there at the house in 10 minutes and 15 minutes later the ac was fixed and recharged.
$300. to do so and we were up and running.
Provision...




Sunday Morning...

Darling on the mill...
"what you up to say I"

To his reply
"I'm making something for you"

I hurried to go get dressed and such.. to sweep up while he worked.
By the time I returned he had done the sweep of (borax against the ants)
He was almost done.
You'll have to go over to a place to create to see it.
I'll get it posted tomorrow.

Mothers day for my MILove
We were absent due to the wrist thing...
So I set together a basket of produce from our garden.
He had a nice afternoon there and had a lovely supper of fresh fruit salad.
Hot dogs too...
Well she is so sweet she gave ma a great book on serger projects.
Then the lovely fabric gift she gave will be perfect for some cloth napkins to go with the new place mats.
Summer is here and this time of year my sewing is a big focus of the days ahead.
She made me some more knitted dish clothes that I will turn into another hot pad.
I just love those, if you spill it turns into a dishcloth in an instant.

We gifted the kids with the movie
"Bolt" this week end.
I found a $5 off coupon for it at Costco (good until 5 /28?)

They wanted to see what is was all about for the dogs to hang their heads out of the car window...
:)

Funny!
They really loved it!
It was just too hot to lose the ac in the car
104* here mid afternoon.

My goodness...

Look at that...
Plus all those letters and pictures from the children at the school.
It is like my cup is so full, and still.
Like if I bumped it, it would slosh over the brim...
Thank you all.
Oh I forgot there is a really cool rustic bird house to set out that came from the fallen oaks in Conneticut, my sister gave me. I'll try to get a picture of it and the cool book and fabric given to me today.
My cup over flows!
I am so loved.
I remember as a kid how much I used to pray to be loved.
It is a holy thing.
I take none of your love for granted.

I remembered an event at the baby shower last week.
I was asked to go get lemon aide and then learned my sister had a plan to follow and so I followed her plan instead of leaving to get the juice. It was a surprise party and I had hidden the car a half a block away already. Well I thought about that comment from anonymous , how she saw me as selfish. My view was following the hostess wishes. We maid lemon aid without a reamer, I just used an ice cream scoop. More than one way to skin a cat. :
)
I thought of how we can see each other through the eyes of our interpretations of the event. Not really knowing how or what is the thought process going on in another head.
Think of it.

It really rang true of that passage of thinking the best of one another.

A tid bit of an understanding in one of those flash point moments during introspection.
Just made me stop and think.

Well tomorrow I need to get this truck on an add.
Look at this engine. They really made it look nice.

Well it is 12:30 adn the tylenol will take effect now and let this hampster sleep.
My body was resting , but my mind was just on the wheel.
I love you all so much.
Your comments are so appriciated.
Your lives are so beautiful and each little event your speak of tneder and dear to me.

May all of you have a beautiful day.

I have a field trip to the State Capital then the mineral musium and then onto the park at days end...
Oh ear plugs on a school buss....a must!