Love undeserved

Friends are around us a garland that can illuminate our way. I have three such who did so last evening. We four have met for many years to celebrate each other.
It had been far too long a time and a year has flown by us. At last we sat together around a table encompassed with mutual love and affection.
My head lifted up hearing of the lives lived, the days spent with children,, husbands. Lessons of the years time. Journeys ahead of each of us. ways parting in distance only as one of us is to leave to another state, to dwell far from us. It is o.k. to be sad she said. Thinking of the courage it takes to follow ones heart to walk into the vision and the dream of long years acquired. Even in the pursuit of a dream it takes the utmost belief that courage will prevail. My friends are love personified.
I am a very blessed woman. Many surround me who really are entwined in the love we have for each other.

We all find ourselves worn and tired of life during some seasons of our days. It is then that as last night we come to refresh our souls. Often I have wondered if I effect the tired heart as they do mine.

I have a special corner of my home that is set aside a sitting place. It is a corner of love, a place soft and still. Hours of time now spent here have shown how love can impact friendship. We all each one of us have these seasons of life that call for a tender heart to hold us in a special embrace. A corner in time where we too can extend outside of the self. Times have been for me within myself. Last night was so sweet to look out to see within the lives of my friends. Little boy stitches, Jr High wisdom and the courage of long distance relocation.

I have been so low that it is love to string me up, to tie me to remind me of love. My days will become dependent on others. Once again to lean into the kindness of those around me. It is for me a tipped scale for it is I who have been given more than any other. It is toward me that the cup flows. I have turned my head in a sort of inappropriate shame. Being so served, so loved, so cared for caused me great pause. For it is I who have had such a cup of compassion given.

I am a burden to others or at least that is what the enemy of my soul would have me believe. For who could ever deserve the kindness and generosity afforded me. "you have had enough you have had your share".
On empathy...those who have chronic illness are annoying. They bother folks. At least that is what some of us have allowed ourselves to believe. Now after years of looking like a person due the accusations of hypochondriac and Munchhausen the soul gets whittled down to the knee. In my case literally. I knew something was terribly wrong for several years before the Primary immune deficiency was identified. Now all those years just look like an embarrassment as judgement is dished out by some yet who do not get it.

That has left this woman depressed. Oh the words of a single man can wipe out the balm of so so many.
Thank God that man is NOT my husband.

Last night however sitting in that circle of friends...so depressed left me to wonder why it is that they love and care about me so. The three of them had it up their sleeve for several months now. To get us all together to celebrate each others birthdays...they were celebrating me...
I was so unaware, so caught up in loving them, seeing them after so long. Hearing them and enjoying just having us all together. I always feel like I wished I had done so much more for each of them sitting there. All I had given of tangible were simple necklaces made with one hand (literally). I chose findings that were special to the thought of each of them.

The three of them had gotten together some time back apparently and pitched in as a whole to give me a beautiful watch for my 50th birthday.  Then they added how they wanted to really do it up big...
Why do they love me as they do? How could others pour themselves out so when it has only been in my heart to do for them. Not so in my actions. Have you ever wondered why your loved so when it is not in anything deserved. They simply love me. I must of at one time really touched their hearts. I can't remember it.

Some in my lifetime have seamed to really resent that I am so loved by so many. I think that has made me feel so sad that they deserved to know this love too. It has left me feeling a guilt that does not belong to me.

It is like the world around me needs so much to know this love and I have been given so much of it...

Sitting yesterday in Physical Therapy for the first of what will be many many months ahead...it was awaken in me. I remembered sitting there so many many years ago. Seeing each soul pained in body as in soul in many cases woke me up a bit. It is time to intercede. It is come a day to once again sit pained in body lifting the souls of those who will be around me. Sharing the suffering. It is in that that my own suffering will be released.
I will have 6-8 sessions of physical therapy to get my quad ready for the total knee replacement scheduled on August 8th. With a shoulder impingement we will also be working to ready it for the use of the walker. It also looks as if my left wrist has a possible torn cartilage. We will be able to treat my shoulder as we did the knee and just keep it going as long as we can before corrective surgery will be indicated. My wrist is being guarded and injection of cortisone has calmed it enough for me to even type YA!
It has all just been too much.
The kids school begins 8/3 for Dash, 8/10 for Dove and my knee replacement on 8/8. The hardest thing is not being able to be there for the kids the way I want to. 

Pain has been tough, soon however it will be all but unbearable. Please if you could again afford me the kindness I do not deserve by holding up my little family in prayer. I am wrecked with guilt (fed by others as well) over my kids place in all this.  Many have spoken words of balance as to defuse those hurtful spoken things that float around in my head as it is. It is in the thoughtlessness of those few the battle is fought.

Dove is home from science camp

She had a wonderful time! So grown up.

99 students from her school attended. She shared a room in the cabin with 5 cabin mates. Her and these other girls won the 'dress the cabin counselor up like a critter' competition. They also won the Spirit Award for best over all academic and class's participation. This was inclusive of behavior, citizenship and all. The ONLY two awards given! I am so proud of her and her friends. This group of girls really show such outstanding character. Oh that Dove has this circle...she is so blessed and such a blessing.

Out of 99 kids!

One of the girls in another room happened to fall the afternoon of the last day. Dove and her best friend were first responders. The child feel down an incline. She hit her head and was unresponsive. Dove and her friend stayed with her. She looks to have broken a leg. Goodness! Dove ran to get the adult who was just a few yards behind them on the trail.

She loved the food.
Today I kept her home to rest.

 Just as the mother plant kept covering the seedling.

Waits until it is established

It must then be cut away...

To revel the new growth of youth. 

Now strong the cover mothering allows it to thrive.

She is such a joy.

My Dove is flying home today!

It has been the most wonderful experience to have peace while Dove has been so far from me. Not to be afraid or worried of her or for her. Knowing that she was right where she was supposed to be. It is so wonderful to give a good report to her that mom did 'not freak out'. Mom trusted in her and in God toward her. This a wonderful testimony to mature her self confidence.
Dove will be home in just over an hour.
How fun. So many adventures to hear about.
Oh she is on a tour buss. Not a plain.

Dance in your heart.

Dove is off to Science Camp

Packed

ready to walk out that door

wings stretched

mine and hers both

three days

two nights

trust

low risk

fly

under His wing

safe

knowing who you are

trusting who He is

excitement

expectation

anticipation

wonder

tales of adventure to come

science in the forest

of the forest

a gift of risk

a gift of trust

a place to land softly

a since of self successful

new

bold

beauty

of freedom in inches

growth in miles

traveled up to the forest

back to my arms

all the while we both are in HIS

being in a time of need

there is something sublime
—Synonyms
1.  exalted, noble. 2.  magnificent, superb, august, grand, gorgeous, resplendent, imposing, majestic.

in being a mother when beside my ill child. Though never a Mother who would ever wish thus upon my young.
Steve, upon Doves request assisted me in bring the air mattress into the living room. Tonight again I will sleep (term used loosely ) there with her only this time not sitting up on the recliner. She NEEDS me. How it is that a mother, this mother becomes irreplaceable. As if it is only in my presence peace security and the calm can come to her. It is a holy thing being here for my child.
It is sacred the charge to hold the hair, spoon the broth and wipe the brow.

So in that my pen runs low of ink (so to speak).

I am well with some head ache, tiny tad of nausea here and there. Rather tired and thankful she is calm at the moment. Thank you sweet Denise to ask of me. I wore a mask at the ER last night and on the sofa most of the night. Once the tell tell headache hit I knew flu was coming to hit me. However with the flu shot I received my defenses are higher. I could just kick myself for only getting it for Dash and I at the allergist. I should of made a pediatric appointment and gotten her one. It just slipped by me.
The antibiotics I started on Sunday will help too. My dentist appointment in the morning canceled (the reason of the prophylactic antibiotics). Yet I will stay on them. Still have the knee shots set on Thursday. Steve will leave work early to take me. It is in the late afternoon so I will be able to care for her until then. I trust Gods ways so high that it will all work out.
Well after 28 hour with only a few of sleep this is a little bit of a mental health break. I will be going in again now in the time of need.
Sleep should come in small slices of gratitude for it will mean that she has calmed the retching and rests. Sweet child.
Appriciate your prayers

Please remember Shorybear in hospital, a prayer would mean so much to her as well.

I am officially the mother of a teenager!

and I am blessed...
to be continued.

Thankful Thursday

cuddly little boys bring frustration first and then so much joy

needing mom wanting to be a wee child again just for a few moments

no this can not be spoken it is all a hush

a secret world of a mothers healing touch

Some day's just shine

Awaking this morn a little better rested. Clean sheets, shower and an earlier bedtime helped some. Sleep was disturbed and few hours of rem but enough to feel human and sit myself up in bed.
Early morning calls me to the kitchen once dressed. The normal 5 day a week  tending to making the lunches. There sat my son (sun) all smiles and a little giddy.

" Well good morning sweet heart"....his eyes gazed over taking mine along. There on the counter top sat a towel and 6 slices of bread laid out in a row. Mayo a knife, mustard...

I was so touched, stunned with the depth of my little mans thoughtful kindness. I stood a moment and looking at him just took him in. His beauty of character causing me to marvel at the wonder of it all.
There a boy who searched and searched for a towel because the drawer with the sandwich towels was empty. Finding one of the service towel in the cupboard after his long search.

Steve had though he had heard clunking but this was before the 6 a.m. call to rise had pulled us out of the slumber where sound mix with dreams.


I have been taking in all of the data received regarding my heath. A test that will be repeated seems to indicate a possibility that I will be needing infusions of antibodies. Apparently if the study proves out to have said results of last I may have a genetic disorder where my body is not making antibodies. Explains the frequent infections of a life time of my life time. After May 10 th the test will be drawn. We have to await the time to get the steroids out of my system from the dental surgery.
It will take a few weeks after that to confirm or dismiss the results of the first study. It is not to be taken lightly to need the infusions. Meanwhile I must use care to keep myself clear of contagions as much as possible. A lot to take in.

an organized medication cupboard

 This is the overflow of the things grabbed with coupons of on clearance that are used month after month

It is also the first aide station
I organized the bag and went through it tossing outdated supply
as well as in the medication cupboard

I had the day again as did I Tuesday until just after 4. Dove started choir two days a week. The singing of the angelic adolescent charms me daily now. It is awesome. Dash get a 45 minute time to go over and play three doors from the school at the grandparents of his buddies. Steve fetches them on his way home. Thus leaving me now two the days this week without care for anyone save my own soul and body. My mind has rested as well. Hence the absence.

Alex is right in that I am well yes. As you may read her comment on last post...it drew me to tear today. That kind of faith and love toward and in me deeply refreshed and empowered my day. Thank You Jamie. Denise Denise both of you and Annette...Ladonna all of you those prayers those workd of edification touch me.

Touching my heart has also been at task this week of non but heart issues mattering. Between beading just for myself. Tinkering cleaning out cupboard and all the little quiet jobs in between 4-5 hours of sitting here just reading and watching HULU TV, mindless yes with full intent to be so. Just stopping and setting my soul aside. This rest I speak of is quiet as well. Stringing beads while often just the sounds of the shows echo in the foreground yet visually engrossed in the beauty of the glass bead before me. soothing and cathartic.

I do so long for the CPCP machine and to be renewed with the oxygen my body is so starved for. The absence of the jaw pain these last two days is a breath of fresh reprieve as well. Challenged but never broken. Tired but never worn out.
I will give my life to sounds of freedom. So come on all you unbelievers get out of the way. There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith.
I set down my chains till only faith remains.
I set down my chains
by jewel

A life uncommon.
her words are the inspiration of this my blog...My life uncommon.

This evening my Dove asked to attend the concert of her peers at the elementary. Her friends were so very touched that she would actually attend in support of their efforts. I took her to a ice cream where all the family's go. She sat with her pals. I sat and read. "Sunflowers" by Wiesenthal ...Wow powerful powerful stuff. I am now again inspired that I do need to pen my story one day.

The children are at bed now. Dove in her room all this week. Has made choice tonight to postpone the very event (a sleep over ) that has been her inspiration and target to set the goal. Her little girlfriend had helped to deliver her cat of six kits. Five of them died at birth in her hands...poor child. Please have this on in Prayer..."D" ( I use no child's' name in my blogs)

Well Steve just came to me. In our closed bedroom door found he a note.
It said
"I love you"
When he asked our Dove who she had intended it for she said..."both of you"

Now I am called to her just now...I will hear of her heart and the things on her mind. She will close her eyes as I read to her from an American girl book on "the care and keeping of you"...

Shines it does
it shines.

Ya all be blessed and embraced. Know that I am at peace and at ease. Tending my soul and the lives of those around me.

Special Needs kids and Independant sleep

We who mother children with special needs are a different breed of woman. The things we grow to understand are often nion to impossible to comprehend by most. These lessons won in the dark hours of night when all that is before us is the instinct that cries out to be heard . The voices of all those who mean so well are hushed in our minds and the clarity of what must be gleaned from among them. we must establish our own innate resolute purpose. The purpose and design attended and afforded us as those mothers given the place destined for us. Mothers of children with special needs.

Now many a public person will tell us how amazing we are or how lucky our children are to have us.
Often we who know better, we who live the day in and day out with our children are the wiser. It is we who understand how honored and privileged we are to have these  unique kids in our lives.

We know that it is us who grow the most, who mature beyond what we once would of ever thought possible . Basking in the rewards of those accomplishments we see through the strides of our young ones.

Last night here in our home, in my life uncommon, I was witness to such a marvel and a wonderful break  through in my daughter.

Dove slept in her room. 

A small thing to most parents who would never give it a second thought. There are many remedies and tricks offered to us by thousands who look at it as if it is a small thing to accomplish in parenthood. Like somehow we only need to pay heed to their council and all would be well. It is as if we parents are somehow to fault for not following the council the advice that they are convinced would do the trick. If we would only do it the way they did.

We Mothers and Fathers of Special circumstance only wish it we so easy. 

So uncomplicated.

We become all but convinced that WE must be doing something wrong. We become desperate to FIX it. We can not, and that is the hardest thing to face...

we have to let go. 

In our letting go we must face the courage to believe in our instincts and intuition in order to set stage for our special needs kids to grow and heal in those ways uncommon to most parents.

Dove was challenged that she would no longer be allowed to do sleep overs, nor would her friend, until they slept in their own rooms. All week the other child kept her word of course the other mother sat with her helping her. This other child has PTSD from abuse done by an ex boyfriend of the maternal. Dove let her friend down in this... that we gave her choice each day and showed great mercy as to be in there with her. I offered to have her just lay on the bed while daddy man read story to Dash next door. By her choice she continued to decline and we just "let go of it" it was in her control  her power. 

I sat with her telling her her life story as I read Psalm 91 to her and told her about how much courage I had to face the "what if's" that is her challenge. She was freely sharing her fears so I could address them one by one. She would sleep and then I would hush she would stir and I simply continued the story until she would fade again. This lasted until 1a.m. at that time I had to go to the bathroom so bad that I just HAD to get up. I was in so much physical pain I could not take it any longer.

My neck screamed at me when I tried to move my head. I had to get my big toe out of her grasp without waking her. It did not happen as I had hoped and she jerked awake panicked. In my stooper I muttered an exasperated s*T! Dove I have to pee! As I rushed to the bathroom all but in tears I just dropped my face in my hands and said "please God , I just can not take sitting here any longer, help her"

I returned and closed the partially opened window (Dove was warm). Locked it with the locks I told her all about and said "honey I just cant sit here, I am hurting. I am sorry I blurted out in my stupor child."  she said..." Mom It is alright, I think I can do this...you go lay your back down on your big bed . I'll be alright."

She was in her bed this morning.

Waking as the Daddy Man went to check on her as I showered and tended to the pains imposed upon my bones. My jaw a flame for the medications were neglected as was all else for my self care in order to accomplish the task. 

He was in tears! 

"she looked up and around as if she was wondering where she was ..." he said.

She exclaimed to him..."I did It! daddy"

I breathed and began the day.

cereal for breakfast and rest for today

Tackle it Tuesday

 

 Most every morning you'd find me set to tasks of lunches.

Dove gets stirred and given her Iron then let to rest a few more moments. It has to be given on an empty tummy.

Then its lunches to make of course. Recently after much frustration I asked the kids to give me a list of the things that they would want packet in their lunches. Thus hoping to end the ever stream of wasted prepared lunches.

 

 Likewise each morn I lay out the supplements and medications for the children and I then set them beside the plates at the table. Omega -3 is a very important thing to give kids especially children who have special needs. Even as well as we eat the additions really do help. After much trial and error I have found that if they eat them you win win so thus the sweets aka supplements. The dha the least favored so they take it first.

 

 Laundry has piled up over the holiday weekend being as on Friday I ran out of laundry soap.

So I made another batch. Each batch is over $40. savings. It cost me $2 for all of it.

1/2 cup borax, 1/2 cup washing soda and a bar of laundry soap.

This is a huge yearly savings!

h

 Add the grated bar soap to a quart or two of water melt over low heat and then add to a bucket of hot tap water add the powders and stir. Bottle and remember what is liquid now will become congealed in the bottles over two hours or so so leave a bit of head room to shake and or add water at time of use.

No need for fabric softner by the way the soda softens the water. Cool stuff gals!

 

 After first load yesterday the front yard called for the dead heading of the iris and the little bit of weeding while the weeds are small.

I found the neighbors cacti in full bloom again and had to capture the once a year event.

So beautiful and the bees are just a dust with the pollen.

 

 On to the gardens and the watering, folding of cold covers, making a new compost in the garden area.

That is a huge borrage plant and the pollinators just love it.

Tomatoes are on the plants now

 

seed gathering of kale was also added to the french marigold collection I tossed around the tomato plants. After another gathering of seeds to dry the marigold will also get tossed around any root veggie bed to guard from the nematodes that like to eat the root crop.

 

Kale seed.

The night was spent at the allergist for Dash and I. Dash is good just have to add to his allergy care.

I am haveing the 4th bout of what appears to be pneumonia in a row sense January.

So over night Dash needed breathing treatments twice and I slid out of bed so I could sit on the floor outside the lab door in a hospital corridor. First in line for a fasting blood draw for the sleep study to test iron and b's, and the allergist for the immune response factor. Got there at 6:15 for the 7 am door opening. I was first in line. the computer was down so 7 people went ahead of me while they had to manually look up the odd test that the allergist requested. Good thing some folk still know how to use a book. HAHA

I got back to the house 5 minutes before the walk to the bus stop said fair well to my husband walked the kids to the stop and then came in and started on the laundry. 

So my last tackle was to just sit here and hour to rest.

There will be load literally of laundry and other misc tasks to do today as I try to both take it easy and get things done at the same time on very little sleep. 

Dash was better this morning when I got home.

The little kid just had to get bit in the heal so to speak and fell into the temptation of drinking MILK to be like his buddies at school yesterday. So Mom got to stay up all night helping him to breath!

Oh those lessons that must be learned. 

Good thing I had his back.

Easter was a shakin'

Hello every one, I hope all of you enjoyed your day of resurrection remembrance. That day the earth shook.

We were at the Grandparents today the adults all four of us visiting around the table and felt a funny jolt. Steve was staring at the chandelier and we all looked us to see it rocking and swaying, he said..." I think we just had an earthquake. We all went into the other room and sure enough the other chandelier was ricking and swaying.
A 7.2 hit some 300? miles from here in Mexicali on the boarder. Aftershock hit 10 minutes later of a 5.2 and 20 minutes later of a 4.9? some 200? miles up north, off the coast of California.

Strange thing was the children were with us at a performance and I spoke to them about the moment of the Death of Jesus the Christ the whole earth turned dark, and the earth shook. Now at the performance this fact was made a good representation. I whispered to the kids that the curtain in the Holy of Holy's was torn from top to bottom. That this was an event that marked that day in History as fact. Evidence that has lasted all these years.

Today here on Easter Sunday the South West was hopefully reminded of that FACT.

Saturday I attended the American Sewers Guild Meeting  (Let Me know if your interested) and learned a wonderful technique to make a collar for a garment in one piece , cool stuff. After I enjoyed a few hours with my sister at a fabric store. Beading supplies were 30% off and the Guild membership gives us another 10% off. Big smile! So I got some crimps and findings and storage containers and a long lay out board. More importantly I enjoyed my sister.
We went over to her house for a little while and had a little visit at her table while playing with her beautiful collection of cut stone critters or fetishes (a Native American art form). She told me how she had always desired a necklace of one so for many many years she collected them one by one. The necklace in traditional style are all critters stacked one upon another with a bear usually the center.

Then she showed me a magnificent gift she had received from a dear friend who passed on a couple years ago. She showed me one of all different stones. Then two others of pure turquoise. Each animal only 1/2 inch high and the whole of a 30 in necklace. Just amazing craftsmanship!
To think of her desire of so many years collecting and treasuring the few (barely enough to create half a necklace) here she was gifted with three. It was wonderful to see the admiration and treasure these are to her. For her to share them with me was special.

They have many of their floors torn up to be replaced with new floors. It is my guess that it was the reason for the issues of the last 24 hours. My breathing is real bad. Real bad. Only four breaths to a cough up of moisture. Oh mercy mercy I do hope that this is not the third repeat of the year. It has been less than two weeks from the last time. I sat in church this morning and just prayed along with the actor as he, the blind man, sang "heal me"...

I remembered how when I first was a fire for the emote so strong when my new days came to be after asking Jesus within my heart. It took me back making that moment almost 30 years ago fresh as the very moment...

My daughter and I spoke candidly last night. I shared with her that I had feared I had failed her in my anger and poor behaviors dealing with my PTSD stuff. That I was so very concerned for her. She had recently told me that she did not want to pray because God does not hear our prayers anyway.  I told her I knew her brother knew God and loved him, that he had asked Jesus within his heart. However I told her I was unsure of her. I shared a lesson of how just because a prayer is prayed and God does not answer it the way or in the time you desire that it in no way means he did not hear you. I told her the story of becoming her Mother. 16 years I prayed and let go in desperation to be freed from the torment of longing. It was then Steve came to me and we began the adoption process. God did say yes to me but it was in His time. God does say no too. He knows that we need Him to say no sometimes to keep us a right and along the path he sets before us.

During the play...My daughter...leaned into me...and said..."mom I do accept Jesus, I do believe in God"...

Oh
OH
Happy Easter, from the depths of my heart to yours.

Easter has been a shakin' here in my day.

Oh man I am shaking

I just spent over an hour on the floor holding Dove while she just sobbed and sobbed wanting her girl friend. It might have had a bit of the reactive attachment thing going on but it was just gut wrenching!
My sweet darling came in concerned of me with my back on that floor (Dove sleeps on a palate  on our bedroom floor).
Now I just feel like sobbing. He came in and went to bed early. They both put in their earplugs. She was so out that I had to lift her sweet troubled head off my arm and roll out from beside her. Holding onto the dresser I somehow made it up to my feet without disturbing her. I was so hesitant to move that she would clutch me with her sweet painfully strong hands. Oh I am just shacking. I tried to lay down too but had to come blow off the stress.

Being told Friday to mind my stress loads and to increase the medication for a week or so I just took another half dose as told.

She is so , she is so... oh Lord she is so broken. A part of me is trying to rationalize that perhaps this is part of being 12. She does not want to attend school on the morrow because a friendenmey tricked her into trusting and now has told all the other little brat kids (humor me) that she likes this little girl who moved away. Now they are all talking smack about a child my kid shy of idolizes. That in itself scares and concerns me folks. She just sobbed repeating over and over and over at no end for the little girl "I want ..." just crying her guts  out.

Ok breath...
My kids were both so tired too, they each went to sleep overs at friends and they were undone. With Special needs kids routine is paramount and everything runs real smooth so much so that we forget what this causes. No wonder we have so few dates together lol

Dash'ism  "Mom I do not want to sleep over again just a play date ...they just would not stop talking so I could get some sleep!"  Ya know he was undone too but I just could not get to him for keeping Dove's frenzied sob under some control and helping her with just every trick in my mind. She would calm and Then all of a sudden sob pitifully. Breath...

Well tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps with rest they will be better moods. If she is in such a state to go to school? Let alone the lack of rest for both of them. Dash will not stop if he is turned onto conscientious as in awake and goes 100mph until bed and then is gone in a minute so ya know this will be an interesting morn ahead for me.

I knwo I'm ranting and venting, I am crying too...Oh Lord this is hard! He is making me able and will continue to do so.

I have an appointment with the sleep specialist about my snoring. Apparently it can be dangerous to my health. A sleep study ahead I am sure. This office threatened me $100 fee for no show. I thought hay that was uncalled for! Then seeing the calendar realized I missed Dove's follow up last Monday...you know the day I was so sick with a double ear infection. So I face that dragon too. Need to use fineness and wisdom their. An apology, a hope for pardon of the fine and a good set statement of how unprofessional it was to receive a message of reminder that was accentuated by her staff with a threat. I deserve kindness by golly even it I do make a mistake! Hows that for a change in attitude. Got it from last weeks EMDR therapy (hence the phyc telling me to mind my stress for I am in for a rollor coaster of emotions after doing that work.

Breath.

thanks for well for anyone just being out there in space and caring. I have to find a counselor psychologist for Dove. Oh that just feels so threatening as a parent. I have to do it though she is in a bad way, it is my duty as her caregiver to see to it she gets the care she needs now and not wait until adult hood when she has to overcome some addiction or abusive life style.

Breath...
I think I'll watch some HULU (tv on computer) and just try to zone out a while. I am here with the dangerous chocolate carmals. I think I will take one more out and go put them away. It is not really going to make me feel any better. That is what this post is for
loving you kindly

Happy Birthday Son

Dash Hawk is turning 9 this week.

Son of my heart.

Adoption Day

 

image at Russian orphanage

Wow ! it was 12 years ago today that the greatest blessing of my life occurred.

The adoption of our daughter.

Eternally grateful am I of the wonderful woman who carried and gave birth to her.

Funny now I find myself a little tiny bit intimidated.

 

This wonderful child a daughter of God who I have been allowed to raise.

My daughter.

His daughter.

Mother am I.

Mother is she .

Mother of heart.

Mother of womb.

All under the Father God. 

It is only a privledge to raise our children.

If we are fortunate they are within our charge not truly ours.

If we are fortunate to remember these things.

Our Valentines Week End

Friday we had two kids sleep over 

Saturday morning we awoke to a house of four children. Two had spent the night. A pair of sisters who were in each of my kids classes. 

They played until 10:30 and were off with their mother. 

We had lunch watching the old Star Trek shows.

My sister came with her grandson, my great nephew.

The boys played and Dove stayed at her computer a bit aloof.

After some repair work on some jewelry for my sister she tutored me on my sewing machine.

She has invested in some hardware for this older Viking so that I can download off of the computer many designs. I will certainly have a lot to learn.

Now with some more practice a should be able to get farther along the way to use the machine as it is meant too. We had a quiet evening of family time and to bed early.

Valentine morning the "kids said go look in the kitchen"

thrilled at the thought of all the dishes done I was suprized to find these on the kitchen table.

So a lovely time of floral arranging began my day.

 Shown here at the end of a long eventful day.

The tell tell signs of a lot of work to do.

 

Been a full week end but I am sure by now that you would expect no less. :)

Dash had made an agreement with the Daddy Man that if mom did his hair he got the funds that would have been paid a beautician (I got shorted in that deal HAHA)

We were just to leave for the salon when I was de-tangling his hair for him, we met up with a few foes.

  

So once we had short hair to deal with we then had to deal with

  

 this x 4 people!

  

OH ARG!

 So just a few hours later I was taking Dove to the sleep study.

Who me? Rest ?

Why would you think that might happen?

:)

  

 The trip over took us to her little friend for dinner and then...

Off to the Sleep Study Center.

We stopped for drinks , snacks and a little brown bear.

Her friend loaned her the green monkey.

(all the stuffed critters are bagged in the garage).

  

 Dove was a little scared at first she soon got very excited.

"It is like a hotel"! mom

  

 Wires await the change into jammies and the movie to start.

  

 So within an hour she was all wired up.

The wires that had the sensors in her nostrils kinda gave her a bit of panic.

She soon said that they were no big deal.

The tech said that she was easier than most adults

She went into an inactive trance into her movie and never complained!

  

 When the movie was done and one last rest room trip she laid down and soon fell right out.

A cot was set up for me to be beside her. 

I was so happy not to have to sleep in a recliner chair.

  

 In the morning Annie came and took all the electrodes off of her.

She was so good, so well behaved and kind to Annie.

  

 Annie came in at 9 a.m. and said hi to Dove , knowing from the wires that she had awaken.

They watched and taped her all threw the night on video to show the doctor.

Being as I was in the room I was not wired but so happens that I snored and the tech thinks that I need a sleep study too. 

Did you know that toncils can grow back if they did not get them all the first time. 

It is a possiblity that we might both have to have them out.

So in the near future I will do this too if the doctor aggrees that I should. 

Snoring has some potential health risks to the heart and can cause a stroke in some.

Never knew that.

Un-wired and just outside our door the rest room door is the second down the hall to the right.

  

Refreshed and dressed we were off.

  

  

 On the back of the door .

We girls went out to breakfast and then to do a little girly clothes shopping.

When we arrived home the doctor had already called and set up the appointment for tomorrow after school. Michelle called to ask to have Dash a play date. Just perfect in timing for she will meet me here and take him and Dove and I can get to the appointment without him in tow.

I will let ya all know what the results were.

Steve washed linens all weekend and bagged all the stuffed critters and such. There is so much work to do tomorrow. A perfect day for a "tackle it".
Well I am off to shower and to bed .
Peace be with all of you.

Dove Sleep Study

We got her in on Sunday night and they have no school Monday! So Perfect!

I am home now and will rest the rest of the day. I canceled the kids dental cleanings for this afternoon to rest.

Little Dove's Blood draw

Yesterday we awoke and found ourselves only 5 minutes after the doors opened in a very long line. We missed the window for her fast. Steve stayed home from work and missed and hour to tend to Dash.

Last night I kept her up and stuffed her until 10 p.m. This morning I awoke very early after being up in the night with a sore throat, thankfully it is much better. I took some "Airborn" a teachers anti cold remidy. I got Steve"s lunch made with the last two slices of bread (all I have need of).
Dash awoke He was up as I was putting on my boots. I got Steve and Dove up. The three of us were out the door by 6:20 and in the hall sitting on the cold for for 30 minutes first in line! Two of the employees came and I made kind to them. They were kind in response at our entry. Try to help them start their day. While we were waiting the kids had thumb wars and played tick tack toe. It was very peaceful. I love my kids!!!!!!
At 7 a.m. we got in first. At least fifteen people in tow behind us. All signing in behind and the waiting area was full in 5 minutes. We had our paper work done from yesterday.

Dove was amazing as was the phlebotomist he was kind and sweet to the kids. I asked him his name and called him by it. Dove just sat herself down even watched him insert the needle. He used a line for the switching of the tubes. She did not even flinch. How proud she was to do so. No tears as this 12 year old walks out into this full lobby. Badge of courage on her arm smiling. As was I! We were done at 7:07!

This test is to check her IRON levels. The sleep specialist said that on most blood test the low iron does not get flagged because the low is "just" within the norm. Restless Leg/full body is helped with iron supplements if your low. Use care though that you do not use too much it can cause other problems if you get too much.

I took the kids to the Golden Arches and we had breakfast. Dash was stunned for the breakfast burrito was only around a third of the size of what I make him each morning. That kid does burn those calories. I shared some of mine with him.

When we walked in Daddy man rang just at that moment just in time to praise the kids. They had 15 minutes to play and then off o the buss stop! Here I am exhausted and happy. I have to leave again at 10a.m. and then the kids will be home short day. They get there teeth cleaned at 4 p.m.! So I will sit here or go lay down but do nothing for an hour and 45 minutes! Come home later and rest until they get back.

Can you just imagine an 8 year old and a 12 year old (who was up until 10p.m.) getting up and in the truck amenable and helpful! Boy I am so blessed!

No word on the sleep study yet. It is hoped by the specialist for this Friday. I will keep a clear schedule and just rest all day tomorrow. I will have to sleep in a chair all night if so. I must get as much rest as I can. I still have two days of steroids and 6 days more of antibiotics. I have got to get over this it has been almost a month sick now. Upper respiratory can take time. I must find a way to rest more. Those steroids make me feel like I have supper powers.

Bullies and God's perfect timing

Arriving on Campus to do Art Masters the teachers door was locked. I stayed at the door to await Dove's Class. All of a sudden I look up to hear a very angry hurt strong voice of a girl child demanding to be left alone. The child was being pursued by a group of girls. She was telling them to leave her alone!

Her face red with anger and pain and then behind her comes her little brother my son. "mom that girl kept pushing me away from Dove, she would not let me help her mom". Dove was so surprised to see me right there right then.

Dove was in a frenzy of anger and pain and it all happened right there before me!  Doing all  I could to check on her physical well being then tend to her emotional stance and trying to understand what was happening I came to an understanding that two girls who were jealous of her had bullied her to the point of anger. She used her strong voice to tell them to go away, only, they ignored her and chased her right to me! WOW GOD!. Bet those two were surprised to find out who I was. I then look up to see a child with Dove's new necklace I made her on. I asked the child why she had Dove's necklace on and to give it to me. I took it off of her. Dove said she had given it to her for being kind to her. I then told the child I would let her know if I would be holding on to it or not.

So the long and short of it.

One of these girls told Dove that

"her birth mother gave her away because she was a stupid Bitch" I learned this yesterday. It was the same child and another. The other child's teacher happened to just then come out of his room. He saw me with Dove and confirmed my identity and I thanked him for it. I then told him of what was said yesterday and that I happened upon one of his students bullying Dove and gave him her name.

Dove's teacher comes walking up and is surprised to see us and her so red in the face hysterical. She went right to the office to tell on the kids.

Doves last year teacher hears Dove use her power voice and hugged her. Praised her for it as well.

Dove went to wash her face.

I had to then go in a teach a class while my daughter sat face in her arms. Boy that was hard to concentrate. She had calmed and the last part of the message was to make your point using beauty and to let kindness be the rule of your hearts. Using sign language I signed her if she was alright, she nodded, I signed I love you told her I would be on campus.

Then I went out and stood at the wall and prayed for her.

Went in and taught the second grade class.

The kids are home now. Happy and proud of themselves. Dove angry that an innocent child was blamed and sent to the office. Dash is handsome and proud of defending his big sister.

I called his teacher and told her of what had happened. She was Doves third grade teacher and keeps an eye out for her she is going to go to the principle to tell him that Dove told them to leave her alone and they would not. TOO COOL!!!

She was chased right into my arms!

Gods perfect timing~

I am sitting here doing a breathing treatment. Still gotta call the innocent child's mother and thank her and acknowledge her kid for defending Dove. Dove wants that kid to go to skate tonight. Steve thinks I better stay home. I can not stop coughing. The two classes I taught was literally all I was able to do today. I was there though right when and where I needed to be.

Dash hawk is sick

I took him to the pediatrician and must begin breathing treatment.
So I will see you all on the flip side
Dash matters more than me time.
Love ya all.

Doves IEP today

This morning is a bit like swimming through molassis trying not to feel bad about any and all acts of omission with my darling sister. I know it is a simplw assault on my mind.

Still gotta swim through it.
Dove Individualized Education Plan meeting with the  school is this morning at 8 a.m. so gotta muster it up from Him , from within.
Take courage and look forward to seeing the working out of it. Heavy chest as in heart.
here I go