Common variable immuno deficiency (CVID)

Hello folks 

Two years later for this is a re-post

Life is greatly improved and infusions are so much easier. I had no idea how long it would take to be normal again. Life is sweet and I am grateful. I also had no idea how many souls are out there with the same issue just floating in a no mans land. Many have found solace here. Please forgive my lasting absence. It took a while to accept through things grieving process. Also within the last 18 months I had a total knee replacement and labial repairs on both shoulders. Life does continue and it is full of promise. It is a joy to me to hear from so many of you who walk dazed in the CVID diagnosis. I will be coming home here to the blog. 

 

Original posted in June of 2010

 

Genetics are a huge part of our makeup we are a generational being...

The test have returned and this is the diagnosis faced in my life now. The most difficult thing is the sadness regarding the nieces and a nephew who are suffering in the dark as to why their bodies are self destruction. They have no medical intervention. This greatly effects life expectancy. I must inform my siblings, the generation of those there after and so on to be tested and to seek intervention. To do this while guarding the hearts of those who have no comforter.

I have an 8 year old and a 12 year old. The infusions can sorta wipe you out a bit for a few days. Best case only one every 4 weeks. But it sounds more likely that it will ramp up to that. I need courage. I need tenderness to strengthen my heart. Knowing that siblings are in a untreated state, know now what took my moms life. All these thing flood my mind a white wash of thoughts.

The general fatigue and lethargy is so progressive. This has gone un-diagnosed for some time now and many years of repeated resistant lung infections of bronchitis and pneumonia. You know I see the sweet mercy. I asked why? Why do i get all this freaky illness that have left me feeling humiliated, demised,demeaned and folks  including medical and family acting as if this has all been in my head. YEARS OF THIS! IT LEFT ME DOUBTING MY OWN CHARACTER AND SANITY AT TIMES. SOMEONE i THINK IT WAS Marsha SENT ME A LITTLE BOOK ON MINISTERING TO THOSE WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS. well at THE HOSPITAL DURING THE INFUSIONS FOR MYSELF THERE i WILL BE...WITH A CHOICE OF THINKING AND BEING THERE FOR ME AND CONSUMED WITH "me" OR EXITING THIS VORTEX INTO THE COMPASSION NOT ONLY FOR MYSELF BUT FOR THOSE AROUND ME. 

with THE SAME COMFORT WE HAVE BEEN COMFORTED WE SHALL COMFORT OTHERS.

Must be a lot of folk needed comfort cause here it comes. Please remember to comfort my heart my dear friends and family. I will need the bracing up as I go forward. I can not let this stop who I am within my heart.

Man, it has really been one thing health wise after another for so many years. Understanding is the beginning of knowledge it will be then that I can walk in wisdom once I exercise the knowledge there is for me to gain.

A Wonderful post gave me a nice dose of 

God works all things to his Glory

Everything to harm us is turned to glorify Him

May this walk given me to undertake be done in such a way that i remain unfettered by fear, bitterness and the potential effects of  treatment. 

Treatment usually consists of immunoglobulin therapy, which is an injection of human antibodies harvested from blood donations:

• intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG, most common treatment in the US)^[9]
• subcutaneous immunoglobulin G (SCIG, relatively new treatment in the US and UK)
• intramuscular immunglobulin (IMIG, less effective, painful)

This is not a cure, but it strengthens immunity by ensuring that the patient has "normal" levels of antibodies, which helps to prevent recurrent upper respiratory infections.
IG therapy can't be used if the patient has anti-IgA antibodies but in this case, products low in IgA can be used; subcutaneous delivery also is a means of permitting such patients to have adequate antibody replacement.
IVIG treatment can be received by patients with a complete IgA deficiency if the IgA is completely removed from the treatment.

Disease Information

Hypogammaglobulinemia - Overview

Hypogammaglobulinemia essentially means antibody deficiency, and includes numerous primary immune deficiency diseases such as Common Variable Immune Deficiency (CVID). Unlike AIDS or chemotherapy-induced immune deficiency, primary immune deficiencies are considered inherent, perhaps genetic.

One of the rarest forms of hypogammaglobulinemia, Severe Combined Immune Deficiency, is nicknamed the "boy-in-the-bubble" disease - a somewhat popular example known to movie viewers.

Both Common Variable Immune Deficiency (CVID) and IgA deficiency, whereas antibodies are decreased but not absent, are much more common. The approximate rate for CVID is 1:50,000 persons and the rate for IgA deficiency is as frequent as 1:750 individuals.

As the immune system is quite complex, CVID often involves additional defects in the immune system.

Common Variable Immune Deficiency (CVID) is mild to life-threatening: dependent on resistance to infection, treatment success, and if complications occur. Significant risk of developing certain cancers and autoimmune illness also exists for patients. 

Inherited Immunodeficiencies: Common Variable Immunodeficiency (CVID)

Alternate Names: CVID

Definition

Common variable immunodeficiency (CVID) is an immune system disorder which typically  affects males and females in the third or fourth decade of life. However, it may also be seen in children. It is characterized by low levels of antibodies (another name for immunoglobulins) in the blood stream and an increased susceptibility to infections.
The diagnosis of common variable immunodeficiency is suspected when the patient has low levels of antibodies in the blood stream, a poor immune response to vaccines, and a history of recurrent infections. Patients with CVID develop recurrent infections of the sinuses, ears, nose and lungs. They may also develop enlarged lymph nodes (palpable glands in the neck and groin) or an enlarged spleen.  Infections of the gastrointestinal tract may also occur. Individuals with CVID have an increased incidence of malignant lymphomas and autoimmune disorders such as lupus,  rheumatoid arthritis, inflammatory bowel disease and autoimmune hemolytic anemia.

Influencing Factors

Pattern of Inheritance
Genetic factors do play a part in the development of common variable immunodeficiency. However, there is no single gene mutation (mistake) that can be identified. Environmental factors may also influence the development of CVID.

Treatment Strategies

Treatment for common variable immunodeficiency includes monthly infusions of gammaglobulin (IVIG) and oral antibiotics to prevent infections. Prognosis is variable and may depend on the severity of lung disease prior to diagnosis and the occurrence of autoimmune disease or malignancy. Patients are encouraged to lead a healthy lifestyle, which includes good nutrition and regular exercise.


More detailed information can be found here.http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1051103-overview

shorty bear update

Many of you know Denise O. Better known to all of us as Shorty Bear.
I just spoke with her husband Eddie. Denise is in a rehab center.
Both a with a tumor on her left brain, a stroke and a blood clot in her neck.
She is in a real bad way with the diabetes out of control. If/when she is to be released they will need help for her if she is to be able to stay home.
Eddie is working (bless God) first shift. So he has a need to have that covered. This a prayer request. I'll let you all know if I get a chance to speak to her.

Prayer request out for Shorty Bear

I just got this word from Marsha.
Our dear friend is in battle with her body. Please remember her and Eddie tonight and on.
thanks everyone.

 Marsha wrote

Please pray for Denise! Her husband Eddie just called me. She is VERY sick. She hasn't been able to hold food or water down for so long, she's about 100 lbs. They took her by ambulance this evening, so was so weak. They did a Cat Scan and they found a small tumor on the back of her brain - either cancer or a stroke, not sure which. Biopsy is tomorrow. She is in Erlanger Surgical Intensive Care unit. He will keep me posted.

pain managment

good morning
Oh the love of a good egg timer. Steve got a real nice one up to me on Saturday. I have been keeping set with each dose and yesterday had good management. Last night they were real good to wake me as well. So this morning sleeping yet a small problem.

Last Friday night my two buddies came and as we were hanging out visiting the last dose wore off. We were on our way to get my meds when the nurse approched in the hall offering me a tramadol (mild).
The pharmacy was to deliveiver on the 3pm run my pain medication. Again it was dot here until after 10:30 pm.

Thus the 5th time I have gone without pain releif for up to 6 hour stints. This time I was not alone. They were here. My sweet Lisa and Trisha. Lisa held me and prayed. I had begun to panic knowing what was coming for me.
I felt the place where my bone was sawed off. felt it clear as you please.
More care was in place last night.
O have begun to get too panicked to sleep. If it wares off in my slllep I wake in torment.

Last night I was well medicated throughout the night. NO breakthrough Pain for one of the first nights that I have been here.
I have infusion on Saturday. It is worn off some for the Stress was so much this last three weeks. Hoping for a 6 hour medical leave to do it.
Hope it all works out. I need a strong cup of coffee so bad.
I keep dozing off even as I type thip
but the pain is in control.

Lisa, Trishia your my heros. Thank you for fighting for me and holding me through the teeth grinding agony.
I love you both so so so very much.
Lisa thanks for the snickers too :)
The black eye susan is so bright in the room. So alive.

I have to get to the dining hall, it is a thing I force myself to do to get out of the room.
ya all have a good day

Perspective
There is a powerful force in this
over the last several days my perspective has been formed and muscled into one with much less inappropriate guilt over the kids and the surgery.
Jeriann thank you for your supportive truths to help my focus. I have gone from a sense of a failed invalid mom to seeing that this may as well become a success.
It is far too true that my life is in the hands of the one who makes the trees clap their hands in the breeze. As the days approach I am seeing the hand create an opportunity for my children to gain independence that I am much more likely by nature to coddle. Not out of a lack of trust however it is more out of a feeling of obligation.
Being an adoptive mother after 16/20 years of waiting prospectively I have the common sense that I owe the world more and must do parenting with a much greater sense of humility and diligence It is an adoptive moms perspective. Squed yes but normally never spoken of out of keeping in ones place culturally speaking.
Much more peace about things today even though the mild grief over the kids having to go through this lingers. Having done nothing wrong I an taking care of their Mother. I have fought the good fight with this knee for 5 years. Made the goal of taking the kids to Disneyland earlier this summer. Dove has her 14th birthday yesterday. Made able last Saturday after infusion to take her to do a little outfit or two. We shopped. Today nail polish. My nails are even long now.

When souls reach to souls perspective can be nurtured like a tree. Made ready to clap her hands in the changing nature of time. To all those souls of greater perspectives shared...I applaud you in the reflection of the sun on my face.

Love undeserved

Friends are around us a garland that can illuminate our way. I have three such who did so last evening. We four have met for many years to celebrate each other.
It had been far too long a time and a year has flown by us. At last we sat together around a table encompassed with mutual love and affection.
My head lifted up hearing of the lives lived, the days spent with children,, husbands. Lessons of the years time. Journeys ahead of each of us. ways parting in distance only as one of us is to leave to another state, to dwell far from us. It is o.k. to be sad she said. Thinking of the courage it takes to follow ones heart to walk into the vision and the dream of long years acquired. Even in the pursuit of a dream it takes the utmost belief that courage will prevail. My friends are love personified.
I am a very blessed woman. Many surround me who really are entwined in the love we have for each other.

We all find ourselves worn and tired of life during some seasons of our days. It is then that as last night we come to refresh our souls. Often I have wondered if I effect the tired heart as they do mine.

I have a special corner of my home that is set aside a sitting place. It is a corner of love, a place soft and still. Hours of time now spent here have shown how love can impact friendship. We all each one of us have these seasons of life that call for a tender heart to hold us in a special embrace. A corner in time where we too can extend outside of the self. Times have been for me within myself. Last night was so sweet to look out to see within the lives of my friends. Little boy stitches, Jr High wisdom and the courage of long distance relocation.

I have been so low that it is love to string me up, to tie me to remind me of love. My days will become dependent on others. Once again to lean into the kindness of those around me. It is for me a tipped scale for it is I who have been given more than any other. It is toward me that the cup flows. I have turned my head in a sort of inappropriate shame. Being so served, so loved, so cared for caused me great pause. For it is I who have had such a cup of compassion given.

I am a burden to others or at least that is what the enemy of my soul would have me believe. For who could ever deserve the kindness and generosity afforded me. "you have had enough you have had your share".
On empathy...those who have chronic illness are annoying. They bother folks. At least that is what some of us have allowed ourselves to believe. Now after years of looking like a person due the accusations of hypochondriac and Munchhausen the soul gets whittled down to the knee. In my case literally. I knew something was terribly wrong for several years before the Primary immune deficiency was identified. Now all those years just look like an embarrassment as judgement is dished out by some yet who do not get it.

That has left this woman depressed. Oh the words of a single man can wipe out the balm of so so many.
Thank God that man is NOT my husband.

Last night however sitting in that circle of friends...so depressed left me to wonder why it is that they love and care about me so. The three of them had it up their sleeve for several months now. To get us all together to celebrate each others birthdays...they were celebrating me...
I was so unaware, so caught up in loving them, seeing them after so long. Hearing them and enjoying just having us all together. I always feel like I wished I had done so much more for each of them sitting there. All I had given of tangible were simple necklaces made with one hand (literally). I chose findings that were special to the thought of each of them.

The three of them had gotten together some time back apparently and pitched in as a whole to give me a beautiful watch for my 50th birthday.  Then they added how they wanted to really do it up big...
Why do they love me as they do? How could others pour themselves out so when it has only been in my heart to do for them. Not so in my actions. Have you ever wondered why your loved so when it is not in anything deserved. They simply love me. I must of at one time really touched their hearts. I can't remember it.

Some in my lifetime have seamed to really resent that I am so loved by so many. I think that has made me feel so sad that they deserved to know this love too. It has left me feeling a guilt that does not belong to me.

It is like the world around me needs so much to know this love and I have been given so much of it...

Sitting yesterday in Physical Therapy for the first of what will be many many months ahead...it was awaken in me. I remembered sitting there so many many years ago. Seeing each soul pained in body as in soul in many cases woke me up a bit. It is time to intercede. It is come a day to once again sit pained in body lifting the souls of those who will be around me. Sharing the suffering. It is in that that my own suffering will be released.
I will have 6-8 sessions of physical therapy to get my quad ready for the total knee replacement scheduled on August 8th. With a shoulder impingement we will also be working to ready it for the use of the walker. It also looks as if my left wrist has a possible torn cartilage. We will be able to treat my shoulder as we did the knee and just keep it going as long as we can before corrective surgery will be indicated. My wrist is being guarded and injection of cortisone has calmed it enough for me to even type YA!
It has all just been too much.
The kids school begins 8/3 for Dash, 8/10 for Dove and my knee replacement on 8/8. The hardest thing is not being able to be there for the kids the way I want to. 

Pain has been tough, soon however it will be all but unbearable. Please if you could again afford me the kindness I do not deserve by holding up my little family in prayer. I am wrecked with guilt (fed by others as well) over my kids place in all this.  Many have spoken words of balance as to defuse those hurtful spoken things that float around in my head as it is. It is in the thoughtlessness of those few the battle is fought.

Songs over us

This morning again as for the last week or so the songs over me have returned. This morning an old balard only a few words of it

tambourines and elephants all playing in the band

wont you take me for a magic ride du ta du

bother me tomorrow for today I'll have no sorrow

du du du du at my front door.

of late many tunes fly
one that is rather poignant is a song that has some words in it of a rather different power.

that's me in the corner

that's me in the spot light loosing my religion

I thought I heard you laugh

I think I thought I saw you smile

This new passage into 50 has taught me about really looking hard at what I believe and why. I will never let go of my faith or my friendship with Abba Pappa. My belief in the full meaning of Grace (unmerited favor ) and what Christ Jesus has and is doing.To feed the orphan and widow in the hour of need to love God with all my heart, mind and soul. To learn love better loving self as learning to better love others.

Religion to me is pre conceived notions about God. Judgments that occur that divide and separate. Of that I am loosing my religion and building a stronger relationship. Freedom in that for self, well it is in overcoming the fear of the judgments that divide. If they divide perhaps that is love not fear...loving so much as to not want to cause another to stumble in our own freedoms.

that's me in the corner

that's me in the spot light...

I think I thought I saw you smile.

that was just a dream...

Another one is a tune with a line...

No I won't back down

backing down just silences our own voice
 

IVIG was hard today

my type is limited
hard infusion
port tore a little from tissue in my chest
must keep my arm still to stop the pain of the skin moving over the port site.
got too tired this month.head really hurts very limp rag tonight
so hit harder, with knees, dog and every other opportunity to overcome ha
trust i'll feel better tomorrow.

you all have a sweet Sunday

word out Shorty Bear?

Has anybody heard anything from shorty bear (Denise) I tried calling leaving a message and nothing.

doves got the flu

we were in the ER last night
sweet kid
love your prayers for her please

Shorty Bear calls for prayer

Eddie asked me to post on her site but I can not get in. She is in hospital and has called me to ask all of you for prayer. This is unlike her to speak up folks so you know this is serious. she is in due to some type of colitis, kidney infection, urinary track infection.

Eddie sounds pretty wiped out tired having to work and help her to hospital. They have been trying to get her blood sugar levels in order. 

So folks Pray for this woman who takes so much of her heart and prays for us.

Thank you

You can go over to her place shorty bears place

She is in hopital
1-423-778-7072 this is bed side. If you call please she is in hospital make it real brief. Just reminder of how loved she is.
This is posted at Eddie and Denise request.
Thank you

Time is flying by! Prayer for a child Please

wow it is three days past Christmas already! I have an extra kid today and tomorrow. We were offered a gift of a new/used HDTV. Given to us by our BILove. We have been taking apart our living room. Today we took our entertainment apart. It is being passed on to my sister for her sewing studio.
When we were just ready to load the unit in the truck a gardener next door offered to help Steve lift it. Such a blessing.

It is now after midnight and the little girl just left with her mother. She was in a panic attack due to lack of security at home. PLEASE pray for this little one D. Oh Lord Lord this child knows things no child should ever have to live through. Please pray for my Dove as well. This kid shared what she is going through. Man I think intervention. There is no help for her except this safe house. I wish I could just take all this away for her.

Steve is off to Tucson in the early dawn to get the tv given to us. Dove is in our room tonight with us this is NOT going to happen again.

enjoy the day

Today there is a blanket wrapped around my feet. A sweater on my shoulders. Warmth within my heart.

I read of inspiration. To have a cup of tea. :)  Then over to another post on apology. It is to be to live to see all the beauty around me. Reflections in the lives of others reminding us of who we are. Where we stand and how we gained the stand we own.

Flowers growing in the yards and children blooming into days.

The new cpcp mask came and it is a nose mask. Slept much better but my mouth opens in my sleep and wakes up my hubby. Thought I would die of thirst. It is so much better than the other one. Just got to learn how to keep my mouth shut. I sound like I have sucked helium when I try to speak with it on. Made us all laugh to hear it. Sleep what an amazing force.I might try using one of Doves head bands around my head to hold my jaw shut. Oh life and the goofy battles to face.

I am so glad to have this new nasal mask! How blessed I am to be able to get it.

The dogs get another walk today, so do I:)  For three weeks now I have been detoxing off an anti-depressant. The lower levels  are hopefully enough to get me through. Getting off of the medication is a real desire of mine. It is thrilling to think of being on the homestretch of it.

Have a great day all!

Saved Marigold seeds

Hay girls I thought it might be fun to give as gifts to friends for Christmas.

Hay to you Annette. I need to come spend some time with you soon. I think on the morrow I might have some time to set aside. Loving you.

Susie If I left them to reseed I would loose all the earth for the crop :) but the bees and the other pollinates sure do love them. These French ones do not have that nasty marigold smell. They do however chase the nematodes (pest in the soil) away.

Dennis so glad the machine is working. It was so good to spend time with you as well today. I spoke to Shorty Bear tonight. You two made my day girls thank you.

On Christian Bullying and Apple Pie

 Good Evening
As I sit here forgive me I am having a slice of fresh out of the oven apple pie. Tart Granny Smith organic apples. Now to insult these fresh apples (at least nutritionally) one of those ready made store bought crust. It was easy. I had the crust as a free thing on the last shop. Now normally I would roll over in my grave before I'd eat it but alas...
Well the pie was made with Dove joining me.Oh it was my hearts delight too have her hands in the flour and sugar. "here mom let me do it". JOY! utter joy to have her ask to do it, to join me and be happy to be with me doing it. 

 My cup running over...two tea bags as well. Some Good Earth cinnamon in my huge mug Dash gave to me last year. Apple pie and hot cinnamon tea oh yaa..

Tonight I had a real long and lovely conversation with Denise (Shorty Bear). How she misses you all so. She told of how lovingly so many came up to help and each bill is just covered. 

Underneath the umbrella of all she holds dear. Her trust in  and love for the Lord she is still getting a deluge of trial so keep her in your prayers.

Our conversation refreshed my soul, mind and body. She is REAL it was a real conversation. 

So often now I avoid trying to have that here. 

"If you ain't got nothing good to say don't say anything at all"...

Maybe some of you grew up with that one too. Sometimes it is the things that may not seam so good to say are the best things heard. Being real with one another. 

I came to my daughter today real. Told her my heart on an issue. Found a way to compromise with her.  Funny with all the fuss she really seems to respect me for it. 

Also told my little core family my heart tonight. It was good for my soul. Rested just a spell and that is when my dear friend came on the telephone line. There for me as a friend is. Real Listening not giving advice unsolicited or judging but pure love. Acceptance of all the warts and all. Like a good freeze off of hurt she nurtured my soul. I hers as well.  We are told to be strong, courageous, grateful now if were feeling were not we at least need to act as if we are.

I have been thinking a lot about bullies. Ya know the ones who make it real hard for your kids to feel safe. The true face has to hide lest it get taken for a ride of guff. Now some bullying is clear mean. Some is unintentionally mean.

While I was in prayer the other day the Lord talked to me about Christian Bullying. The kind that if your humanity shows your faulty in doctrine or being lead astray. Do this just right now, if your not doing this just right it will show.  Now God forbid these bullies when the trials hit real hard. We have to hold one view of our trinity public. That one that is our true spiritual self. What about that true soul. what of it. What of the true emote? 

Just like on the play ground we better hide it. Or the bully will see us coming a mile away.

Vulnerability is the bullies playground. 

What of maturity where vulnerability is to be commiserated?

What of it? Well if a sister, friend come to you bemoaning the reality of the challenges faced. Do we negate the soul, the emote only to supersede it with the spirit. No. The spirit remains, Gods love never changes.

It you speak of spirit and the tea is poured to do so speak of spirit. If a cup be empty however then fill it with water and quench the thirst without pouring hot water all over the guest. 

If a soul is thirsty for a companion of the soul the emote to hear and listen to the emote...hear.  Hear emote direct the emote through the land mines but do not dump spirit where spirit remains along side standing the guard it is intended too. That's Christian bullying.  Mercy that is just plain bullying given falsely Christs name. For I would never really perceive HIM ever acting that a way.

Blessed are those who...remember. 

Not deceived, backslid-den, lack of faith, or even punished or condemned.

There will always be greater and lesser

That does not negate that there is a you.

Now I have seen this of late from the pulpit as well. 

Just thinking out loud.

Now I have received little bully just always been afraid of them. 

So I sorta hide on the playground.

:)

So this an attempt to come out and own the swing set a while

Bullies thrive on fear they look for it.

How do you respond to 'Christian Bullies' ?

Happy Thanks giving and receiving of LOVE.

Your kindness has warmed me. Your knowledge uplifted me. The beauty that is within you has touched my heart. Life is to be shared, carried, and walked beside.
Your prayers have sustained me, smiles have restored me. Memories of times we have known, thoughts we have shared they echo in my mind. Often reminding me of your journey calling me into intercession on your behalf.
In these silent weeks stillness removed my word, voice and thoughts from being expressed. I have been grieving, healing and getting stronger. A stronger hold on who I am, what I believe and the legacy it is my hope to pass forward.

It has been very challenging to find my way through the mind fields to remain uncommon. To keep peace I tried being another to keep others comfortable allowing things around my life that I am opposed too. Other things that I was afraid of being rejected by many of you who may hold a different value.
When I stopped being who I am, saying what I think with bold abandon I became common. When voices of opinion removed my own I faltered. Yet I falter. As do we all.

I have an elder sister who would it seems to remove all of who I am. It has been very difficult to speak freely. I have removed myself from face book. This is more my style. Privacy feels calmer here.

Although this life affords me so many many things, opportunities and people to love and be loved by, I grieve. Grieving the things that I might try to keep myself positive about, thankful for and humbled by.
Learning to adjust to 3 good weeks ending in a few days of all stop, guarded from bacteria of others and even my own family well it is a process. Lessons of pasing myself during a time that so many things were left unattend during the gradual slowing due to the place that the cvid had left me. With all diligence I pase between not burning the infusions off too fast by over doing it, and trying to get my home in order, children raised well and a marriage that is strong and loving.

Having the infusions saddens me, but I can not tell you that.

For I am to be grateful, as I am yes.

If I am asked to mask, it would be that I remain silent. For the truth of where I have been at is not lovely. My mind has not thought 'on these things'. It has been in shock of sorts. After all I have done, all that has been accomplished it was in my mind that all the struggles would end once the accomplishment of "giving myself a life". The reality is not in the hope of what was thought to be. Even as it was often a driving force to keep me going. It is that only is there another road to walk. It left me staggering a bit to see that those targets, that keep us focused on a matter will move and shift through time. It is a natural thing.

I was so set that it would on day be finished. I have had to and am coming to terms that it is what it is.
Yes yes I am thankful for all it is , who I am. The PTSD has changed my abilities and that has hit hard to think of all the medical interventions that came down to that. the PTSD causing the memory stuff. Boy I was just humiliated. It felt humiliating another blow to my heart. One that really hurt.

Non the less my dear friends my life is different than what I had hoped it would be. This is a normal thing perhaps for all of us.

To all of you You matter to me. Emails are rare and comment too. At times it is all I can do to read you, listen to your hearts. Your posts all so often feed my soul. Your comments build me like a brick wall. Some days it just amazes me how ya all help to refocus my vision. My love redirected to my maker and off of the things around me. Thank you for that, it keeps me like life. Words of life. sorta like an infusion of it's own :)

To all of you I am so very deeply thankful for who you are. Your hearts have touched my heart and kept it often strong at a weakened moment. Strength is gaining in the sorrow comes healing. Terms of acceptance is being reached.

The sorrow of my Eldest Sisters passing, touched that in her death the cvid was discovered and again she gave me life. She the one three years in to (some 20 years ago) recovery came to defend the truth I told. She saved my sanity too. It is all too holy. This silence has been a bit of that too. Walking on that holy ground of witnessing Gods loving gentle hand upon my life.

Each day even if it does not FEEL like it I am so very aware that the gratitude deeply placed within me remains.

For this I am Thankful. Happy Thanks giving and receiving of LOVE.

Bad manners

Oh I have had such bad manners here folks. So sorry that I'm neglecting response to your wonderful comments . No excuse just poor manners. Please forgive me.

You matter, each and everyone of you. Your hearts are dear, your minds full of great ideas, beautiful articulate ideas.
The spirit within you that, who you really are part, your precious.
I have been so silent so often and unresponsive, yes there are many reasons, tasks and time for others here that pull at me. You do matter.
All the kindness you afford me really does make a difference in my life. I hope that our corner of the world blesses you.
Dash does not like his image on post here. So I am respecting that. Such a great kid. Dove is growing up lightning fast. She will be an amazing woman I am sure.
My mind is tired and thoughts become lazy by the end of the day.
I am sorry my laziness neglects the acknowledgment of how dear you all are to me.

Word Filled Wednesday

Our dear friend has let go of her mother today. She passed over this morning
PLEASE pray for her during this difficult time.

Denise here At Life at the Waldens

Calling all to prayer!

Thanks for comming by for a visit

55,555

visitors

Just happened to look at that moment

Sunshine award

Thank you E-Mom
:)








You all go visiting her over here at Chrysalis
And join us all for Marriage Monday.