Love ya all

hands and arms full with the children
everything is good
Dash is ill missed his party
Dove is awaiting me to be with her in our room she does not want to sleep alone.
I wish I had time now to tell of all the wonderful things going on.
She is on pins and needles got to go.

Happy Birthday Son

Dash Hawk is turning 9 this week.

Son of my heart.

Adoption Day

 

image at Russian orphanage

Wow ! it was 12 years ago today that the greatest blessing of my life occurred.

The adoption of our daughter.

Eternally grateful am I of the wonderful woman who carried and gave birth to her.

Funny now I find myself a little tiny bit intimidated.

 

This wonderful child a daughter of God who I have been allowed to raise.

My daughter.

His daughter.

Mother am I.

Mother is she .

Mother of heart.

Mother of womb.

All under the Father God. 

It is only a privledge to raise our children.

If we are fortunate they are within our charge not truly ours.

If we are fortunate to remember these things.

Good Morning
It is the fresh hours of early morn here. I awoke to see how very deeply within me is ingrained a habit of old. When in pain withdraw.
When my sister died in January it hit me in a hard way. This is what stepped me back stunned and shocked. It was the knowing. Hearing that she was going to do so.  Strange it is to see things before the events. This has happened so many times before. It is so very sobering. I could tell her about it and she was understanding.
Of late so many things that I have seen have come and are coming to pass. So I pray, grieve and stand back stunned at how life and the world around me is unfolding. My sisters passing awoke in my an understanding of how temperal this all is.

Today my beloved is to step into an MRI. A study set to investigate the shaking of his hands. His Father has it, as did his Mother before and so one. It has gone down through the line. I awake a bit concerned of him. I have not really had much of any concern of this for just knowing and being used to everything working out in the end with our trials. It most likly will in this too.

His Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow. She to will be fine. I think that the worry of these things evades me and for that I am grateful.

My sweet daughter is coming into her own. She is at the developmental stage of works that hurt. They can pierce to the soul. As a Mother we are, I am , to wash them off as if they are what they usually are ...the things of youth. The pushing away and the pulling up close.
She has made a few VERY hurtful comments about her "REAL MOTHER". Wow! now those sting. They open up that place within that all moms have. The knowledge of all the frailty and errors committed along the parenting path. Now of what I speak is the real guilt not the ones that folk so "oh well" we all make mistakes. These are the thing that I know I have done wrong. The horrible moments of parenting when stress removes the very heart of who we are as parents.

Now for an adopted adolescence the grass is questioned. If my REAL mom would of kept me my life would of been...fill in the fantasy. Meanwhile we who are not the birth mom who raise and love our own children hear the words that just come out in different ways for most moms. Well they can cut in a different way. Yet as moms we must thicken the skin as to not give the child too much power and harm their mental ability farther.  Ya know it does not make it hurt any worse.

I awoke this morning wondering if I did a search if I could come up with anything on her birth mom.  her mommmmm. It just does not sound right ya know... I am mom. It is hard for some adoptive parents to ever feel deserving of that title. Or we over compensate year after year hoping to be worthy. Judging more strongly the errors in our parenting.

Well my sweet son is here.
That is too say thoughts feelings and opening up my heart is to be shelved.

When I was a kid and I hurt...I pulled away. I then could not bring any more hurt upon me by making error. It was easier to hide than to cause some negative effect to compound the pain. Seams I am too good at that. Ignorant as I can be of the errors until after they are made. Then with hurt still undone there is more of a mess to mop up. Well that is the jest of my pulling away.

Tackle it Tuesday

 

Wow a moment to say hi

Thats one of my tackles today.

Dove to get new bands on her braces in less than an hour. 

The school bus just pulled away.

Dove has had a huge amount of challenges of late.

No time for me due to it.

Adolecence has hid full on!

She wants the freedom of peers that amounts to in large part absent parenting.

She got on line at a Disney web site and got kicked off because she gave out her phone number and a pretty significant clue as to her last name.

I hit the roof!

I am not too much ameanable to my kids being on line at all.

Daddy man thinks differently.

So training has begun in earnest. Although it had been covered what we have to keep in mind is that Dove is not her chronological age. My point emphasized in this singular experience. Disney banned her from the site. Thank goodness for that filter.  I was so upset and prayed, the next morning Steve got an email to inform him she had done so. He really sees my point now. We can not assume anything now days! Dove sees it as a prison here. I have bad dreams and pray a lot.

Dash came in yesterday morning knowing I was upset over something he approched me. He said "mom I am here if you need to talk to someone", stunned at his sweet maturiy I explained that I was just frustrated because I did not feel as if anyone could see into me, or really see me.

He said "mom I see you".

Chokes me up just to think about it.

We recently went to see Avitor, so much the native American story in a nut shell.

So touched me in the things I try to teach the children.

That in itself a huge frustration to me in my life. 

Dove has appointments up coming for the ENT regarding the sleep issue. Dash and I are doing allergy injections 2 x a week, he get two shots and I one. Mine left me not feeling too well. My arm got pretty red at injection but he did fine. 

Steve is undergoing some neuro care for the shaking of the hands an issue generations old.

My 8th nerve study showed that I have a significant neuro issue to my ear on the left side, and the right ear has structural hearing loss. So I am a candidate for hearing aides bilateral if we can swing it.

This hearing loss is a real hassle because everyone forgets that I just can not hear them and they get annoyed to repeat. Don't need to be yelled at just need to see your face to know what your saying.

Kids are busy with school, the years fly by.

Dash is turining 9 this week and Dove has her 12th adoption day tomorrow.

We are looking into refinancing the house from a 22 year to a 15 year and a 7/8 point rate reduction and free closing costs. It would raise our payment $150 a month but get us out from under a mortgage 7 years sooner. It is a risk however to do so. Most folks are extending loans to reduce payments.

We were thrilled to learn that our credit score was not effected by getting rid of the credit card and closing the account. Living debt free can be penalized in that way and the fear of it keeps most folks with a credit line open. Not so at least not for us anyway.

My days are spent

Arbor yard and an evening with my Great nephew

 

  

  

   

  

  

Great shipwrecks

How do you say what is on your heart

when what is on your heart is so hard to say?

How do you know what you know when no one else cares to know it?

but in silence.

"Abandon ship!"
 as cowards tip the life boats.

When life a vacuum pulls away for the very souls it is after.

When all you see is what you do not wish to happen.

Voices hollow scream out for mercy a drop of water a tent to sleep.

Voices of many failing at heart because of debt becoming the ruler their master.

Make light of life?

Seeing it a struggle compounded by denial.

Blog light of life or tend to distractions.

Passing out life vests.

I step aside silent.

Thoughts of light heart days

Offers of a smile seem distant now.

Sounds of the dark and gloomy  deeps folks are drowning

Appear a depressed soul?

Not really, just standing astonished at all happening in the world around me.

Visions of weeping families torn apart for want of a dollar.

Consequences of a nation greed gone wild.

Wild thing best left wild.

Mad men and women going for each others throat.

Suffering families simply for want.

Rent, food and clothing...

Seeing this all around sets to humble for the good things surround me

Full pantry and closets needs all that are met.

Suffering though taunts me with those empty souls hungry for the hole to be filled

Nothing can fill it.

Set your love upon God, not for expectation of his bounty but for love of a friend.

Wonder how a captain might feel at His ship going down.

Yes I may sound morose. 

Is any one out there even remotely sad?

Repentance a nation flushed by a government no longer "the people".

This is the inheritance of future generations.

Children in the White house playing fancy games with all resource.

Marriages, families children become foes.

Simply acceptance of this is what is expected

Who stands up to such basic deceptions.

In each given life is decision.

So pardon me then my deep silence for I think of all that I have to say...

Who wants to hear it?

Sufice it to say, unless a golly good moment get bigger than this it becomes hard to speak freely.

So many wonderful moments with my children, in my home with my mate.

Yet my heart is so saddened by lives that are shipwrecked and pretense leading so many astray.

Raising Chickens

6 hens
Total Egg count to date 1000 !

Starting November 7, 2008 

January 14th  Each of the 6 chickens laid an egg today for the first time!
All hens laying 1-8-2009