All I have need of...

As I oped the door to step out of the car my eye caught the glint of the coin. Then the penny beside the dime. The I AM, there speaking to me in our decades old way.

After we fetched Dove from her day with a friend we drove off toward our side of the city. We were along a freeway that passed old town Tempe. Casa Laveha, a building a century old houses the BEST steak house in town came to mind. Steve turned off the freeway as I was iffy about such an expense. Tomorrow is my Birthday. It was a gift to me.

As I think of that penny and dime reminding me of the wonder of God and His provision. No guilt, on.y gratitude and satiation. Staying true to my Eating for my Blood type, I took NO temptation to eat those old tasties that are so hard for my body to assimilate. Kind of empowering to walk into the discipline.

Between infusion today and the good prime rib supper I feel the strength returning to me. No potato or sour cream for me. I enjoyed a salad without dressing and asparagus. Club Soda and lime was so refreshing. After blowing out my candle Dove was given my ice cream treat. NO dairy for me. OH that horseradish was good. Everything eaten was on the list of beneficial for my type O-.

With a confrontation from my nurse I went ahead and took some of the left over pain medication from my knee. I have resisted any and at this point my left arm will not raise above my head without my other hand lifting it up and holding on to it to lower it. By taking one earlier I was able to enjoy the evening with my kids and husband. I will have on in me to try to grab a few hours sleep. I have been in a recliner/bed back and forth throughout many painful nights now. We also used benadril for the inflation. It puts me out to sleep but really seems to help.

The MRI went well on Friday. I'll be getting in as soon as I can. Dove and Dash have just ten more days of school. They are both on honor roll, I have done a real good job as coach for them and feel proud of the accomplishment. It has been hard work for all three of us. Best job in the world for me. Hard but wonderful.

CVID Not defineing who you are

It was a wonderful service last weekend. A message on not being defined by diagnosis. That can be and has been a real challenge. I think I have had 18 infusions now over the last year and a half or so. It is now more normal in my life.
Facial Masking in public here in the US is not a common sight. It provokes stares. Having a 14 year old daughter is a heart breaker seeing her concern of being embarrassed.

I am not Common Variable Hypo-Immunoglobbulin, it is what I have. This road of courage to go back out into the public with such risk of illness seems to define me. It is how I respond to it perhaps better said that is my defining moment. HOW I respond to it.

My numbers are now in the safe range for three months. YA! Yet I do have the low IgA that puts me in harms way at any air borne illness, or ingested factor. NOT who I am? It is hard to have something that puts a need of special precautions.

"the girl with the mask", will that be the descriptor?

As I begin to venture out and be out in public more it falls on ME to take care of the needs and limitations of what I HAVE. It is not who I am. Who I am or will be is the woman who takes seriously the responsibilities to keep this vessel living and thriving.

It take 800 blood donations to draw off the plasma that keeps my month of infusion available to me. That is a huge debt of gratitude. The plasma is the clear stuff that floats to the top of a vial of blood. I get a 400 mg infused every four weeks. A six hour ordeal, attended to by a nurse. At the cost of $24,000 a month! My Insurance receives as per a deal and the wright off $4000. a month. This is a huge investment into LIFE, my life.

Who am I? One who is grateful. An artist, Mother, Wife, Keeper of the home and finance. I am a vivacious soul, full of life. A gardener on hold awaiting the relief from the limits of pain.

Living life with pain, it may or may not have parts effected by the CVID. Living in pain also tries to define me. It takes me to bemoan life at times. With what courage and endurance I face it...well that is WHO I am. That is who I choose to be.

I am full of life that will not be robed me! I will find ways to press on and into the truth of WHO I am. Not letting WHAT I HAVE take ME out. One way is through eating for my blood type. I am a type O- with the RH factor. So I will avoid those things my blood can not process and eat all of the things that will benefit me most through ease of assimilation. I will learn to love Kale and those foods that love me. Supplements can look like a meal, I will look at them as a starving man glad for the sustenance. Exercise will recommence once I get this next round of injections in my joins. I will not let the pain in my arms and shoulders stop me from doing what I love any longer, yet I will respect the limits imposed as to not bring on harm to mind body or soul by provoking more pain.

I will not let the enemy of my soul, heart and life lake me out! I will not through negligence comply toward my demise.

NOW THAT IS WHO I AM!

Just needed to see myself say so.

Gathering of Women

Taking responsibility for our hearts and the heath of our souls can take courage. Knowing when it is time to reach out and risk fellowship can save us. When living in seclusion find you suffering, holding all of the stress within it can only last for a season. Constraining in courage holding on takes a tole on strength and endurance.

Reach out ask for fellowship, support or friendship tenaciously. Empower your soul as others hear the heart and share the burden lightening the load.

Standing in the place of love, being in the presence of the Divine love can build courage up. There in that presence fear can take flight as confidence replaces it. In that place we can gather, regardless of any effect toward judgement. Looking at that reflection of love, seeing as we are seen in the divine removes the threat.

Then we can sit together, seeing into other hearts peacefully.

There sat I last evening, today refreshed. No insecurity, for seeing my true reflection  is all that matters. Hoping to be seen by others well that is the desire of every heart.

a pup will find a den to go hide in and lick it's wounds

Good Morning'
Life is so full of opportunity. Some of them we would rather not have. There are always folks that have it worse off than we do. That is the thought that I often lean into to console myself. It is better than the alternatives of pain medications, drugs, booze or shop-aholism. It sure beats the idea of terminating the problem in a finality that leaves wake of the loved ones in our life being ruined. It is however as easily a fix to avoid the stress of living in pain.

To avoid speaking of the pains of these bodies we hold it in afraid that if we speak that we will sound like someone judged. Judged as everything other than just some soul in pain of body.

Speaking is important however, as I have recently had impressed upon me.
Last night I spoke, just saying it as it is to a safe friend. I feel lighter. My nurse confronted me that my voice has become strained with the frustrations created through the pursuit of getting the pain issues resolved. She encouraged me to speak about it. Holding in the effects, thoughts and loneliness of chronic pain is a real energy zapper right when one needs all the strength they can find.

She reminded me of the blog. How it helped to have others to speak things out too. This is the last topic. One that actually stopped my blogging. No one want to hear about the frustrations or pains of others.

My left arm is almost out of commission. An MRI will be scheduled on it now. The injections in my shoulders of three months back are fading. The injection on the left one never took because when he gave it he hit bone. It has been so many many months of pain. The injection helped my right shoulder. A Partially torn rotators cuff, well as the doc explained it the bone is crushing the tendon that goes over the top of my shoulder.

My left wrist was to be cared for but after all the work and wait to get in, three visits, a run of steroids, then two injections it is little better. The P.A. will not let me get through to the specialist. I am going to another hand specialist, starting at ground level again! At least I have the MRI on it showing the issue. Three things, a hole in the cartilage, inflammation of tendons and bone on bone on the back of my hand. That may need to be fused.
This is a cascading issue with my low back, and foot also in pain.
Sounds like whining! I am in PAIN. No whine just an exhalation of a constrained breadth. As I hold my breadth in pain.

Woke up without the searing pain, rather stiff and moderate pain, but better than it was in my shoulder.
Thanks to Steve and the kids putting the reclining chair in our bedroom. It really helped me through the night.
It has been a busy morning here. The Pharmacy called for the  order regarding the infusion, then after two intense emails from Becca's teacher she called. Spoke at length with her and settled stuff amicably. (no stress here:) ha!
So 9:30 and we are on a role.
Dove could still get honor roll with B's. So the plan for her for the rest of the year is set. Dash is set as well. They will both graduate honor roll.

Thought I would try my hand at some interest today, there are so many dishes and tasks begging attention too. Better pull up the muster and begin.
I think of you I have walked away from in all of this. It is me not you.
I think of how a pup will find a den to go hide in and lick it's wounds.
Loving you so, Donetta