CVIG Port IV complications

Oh life
life is holy, and it is not about us. It is all about a greater story that encompasses what our little line and chapter tells. In this novel was the beginning and one day shall be the end.
Sunday's little verse held a long visit to the ER.
Saturday I had my 6 hour infusion. It was so easy, one little stick. Six hours of dignity. No one standing by the bathroom door watching over me. No pained arms and stressed spirit. The port was an awesome liberating gift. It still is.

However... Saturday night my neck began to swell. Pained it scared me a bit. Trusting all was just going to be alright I laid down to bed. I awoke with palpitations. Startled me awake. It really hurt on the side of my neck where the swelling was larger. We watched it overnight (I know stubborn, I did not want to call an ambulance) we had another child for a sleep over. I was not going to drive myself. Sunday morning still pained and less swollen I called the surgeons number. Being Sunday the nurse told me to get to an ER. She had concern of infiltration or clot. I did so choosing to travel up north to the better hospital. I arrived at 1p.m. To my utter glee there was actually a parking space in the tiny lot near the ER door. Tinny spot too between two huge trucks. Having the car my spirit swelled into a smile getting my Honda into the postage stamp within the lines. Being able to squeeze out of the door.
there was a stand with masks and I quickly grabbed one (it stayed on the whole time). Within two minutes someone from behind the counter came around to me. She asked my reason and filled a paper. I sat away from others. VERY shortly after a nurse took me to triage. The first woman came back around and was told to take me to a room. THAT FAST! I floated into the light of love. Being so well cared for . They took me to a room (not a curtain a room) with another woman on the other side of a curtain. She was ill as in viral or something . The nurse gave me gown and as I slipped it on put me right on monitor with patches and wires. Within a moment another fellow came in, thinking he was a nurse his demeanor confused me. He was the doctor. This now all of 10 minutes from walking into the ER door. The lobby was not empty by any means.
He called the other hospital and was about to set up a CAT scan with contrast. The nurse was mesmerized at the port. It was so small in compare to what she had ever worked with. I wanted to slap her hand away for she kept pressing around and on it. It was CT scan there or at the other hospital in the morning. With the kids being home today an agreement was made to proceed. I asked the nurse for some Tylenol. Then the doctor returned after speaking with radiology they decided on Ultra sound. Soon that is where I was. Peace was around me like a light. A study performed on my arm, neck and chest.
The tec was kind and we spoke of the holy. She spoke of my attitude being so positive. She called in another senior staff and he was working on my wrist. She was not able to find a vein. He was startled at how small my veins were (that explains a lot).
They concluded the study he walked out, then he came right back in. He reopened the file. He then did the extended scan onto my chest around the cath and the port.
After being taken back to the room and placed on the monitor and oxygen device I laid my head back and rested not 2 minutes and a fellow came in. He said 'we are moving you to a private room'. There was this instant in time. Fear began to push at me, I actually thought clearly. I could be afraid...if I got afraid it would change nothing. The warmth like a light embraced me and clearly in thought and choice I decided not to be. Asking the fellow 'should I be concerned?'...he was locating the room and said 11 B. I laughed and said "hay that is not a private room...it has two beds" teasing him. He could not find the room so left me a moment in the hall. Another gurney came behind me and mine was moved against the wall. My orderly returned and laughingly he was chastised that I almost got a ticket. By this time the humor of it all was filling me up. He was right they were taking me to a PRIVATE ER room. The doctor was protecting me from infection. He pushed me in (forgetting to give me a call button) and left. It was so quiet! Silent. Wonderfully the peace replaced all. It was that the light came to show me the folly of it all. All fear all dread it was nothing compared to the vast life around me. Moaning and groaning the pulse of the place needed that light. As I lay there envisioned was hallways of doors with lives behind and light. Light that was welcomed and drawn in upon my desire for it to be there. It was magnificent. As the silence removed all the clamor it was willed into and around me. I fell asleep as I awoke there was a clear choice as to how to respond within. It was alright to lay there. Peacefully, when they were to come they would come. No urgency. Not having any idea of how long I laid there...it began not to really matter. Returning into the love toward those vast numbers of souls the light need to illuminate the dull lack luster of it all.

Others matter as do we. We are not exclusive to attention. Letting them know this by caring about their day as I laid there startled and stunned them. It touched many who crossed paths with me.
After some time and a partial visit from a woman from registration we were interrupted by a man who came to take me to x ray. This was unexpected. Again the same iterations with others. Returned to the room came the woman to finish registration and to take my co-pay.
Moments later the doctor came in. He was positive then qualified it. Although no blood clots I do have fluid on my chest around the port and cath. My lungs clear. Now we stand on watch for infection.

I was released. At the lobby I called Steve it was 6P.M. and he was worried. It was 6 hours latter.
I also called the nurse at the other hospital. We are on watch with an appointment to return to the surgeon and have all the studies repeated on Wednesday or before. We will trust that the fluid will absorb. It is unknown if the fluid is from the surgery or the infusion.

I was a study for all who meet my case. It was somehow poetic to teach over and over the facts of CVID.
Over and over and over. The port seamed a fascination to several of them.

It was the light however that is the true fascination. It is for me a wheel within a wheel. This realm encased within the other. Spirit is all around and if we lit it within. It was that the letting of it within caused for it to be around. It touched those within my space as it was touching me.

It is my greatest wish that it touches you.

Happy Thanks giving and receiving of LOVE.

Your kindness has warmed me. Your knowledge uplifted me. The beauty that is within you has touched my heart. Life is to be shared, carried, and walked beside.
Your prayers have sustained me, smiles have restored me. Memories of times we have known, thoughts we have shared they echo in my mind. Often reminding me of your journey calling me into intercession on your behalf.
In these silent weeks stillness removed my word, voice and thoughts from being expressed. I have been grieving, healing and getting stronger. A stronger hold on who I am, what I believe and the legacy it is my hope to pass forward.

It has been very challenging to find my way through the mind fields to remain uncommon. To keep peace I tried being another to keep others comfortable allowing things around my life that I am opposed too. Other things that I was afraid of being rejected by many of you who may hold a different value.
When I stopped being who I am, saying what I think with bold abandon I became common. When voices of opinion removed my own I faltered. Yet I falter. As do we all.

I have an elder sister who would it seems to remove all of who I am. It has been very difficult to speak freely. I have removed myself from face book. This is more my style. Privacy feels calmer here.

Although this life affords me so many many things, opportunities and people to love and be loved by, I grieve. Grieving the things that I might try to keep myself positive about, thankful for and humbled by.
Learning to adjust to 3 good weeks ending in a few days of all stop, guarded from bacteria of others and even my own family well it is a process. Lessons of pasing myself during a time that so many things were left unattend during the gradual slowing due to the place that the cvid had left me. With all diligence I pase between not burning the infusions off too fast by over doing it, and trying to get my home in order, children raised well and a marriage that is strong and loving.

Having the infusions saddens me, but I can not tell you that.

For I am to be grateful, as I am yes.

If I am asked to mask, it would be that I remain silent. For the truth of where I have been at is not lovely. My mind has not thought 'on these things'. It has been in shock of sorts. After all I have done, all that has been accomplished it was in my mind that all the struggles would end once the accomplishment of "giving myself a life". The reality is not in the hope of what was thought to be. Even as it was often a driving force to keep me going. It is that only is there another road to walk. It left me staggering a bit to see that those targets, that keep us focused on a matter will move and shift through time. It is a natural thing.

I was so set that it would on day be finished. I have had to and am coming to terms that it is what it is.
Yes yes I am thankful for all it is , who I am. The PTSD has changed my abilities and that has hit hard to think of all the medical interventions that came down to that. the PTSD causing the memory stuff. Boy I was just humiliated. It felt humiliating another blow to my heart. One that really hurt.

Non the less my dear friends my life is different than what I had hoped it would be. This is a normal thing perhaps for all of us.

To all of you You matter to me. Emails are rare and comment too. At times it is all I can do to read you, listen to your hearts. Your posts all so often feed my soul. Your comments build me like a brick wall. Some days it just amazes me how ya all help to refocus my vision. My love redirected to my maker and off of the things around me. Thank you for that, it keeps me like life. Words of life. sorta like an infusion of it's own :)

To all of you I am so very deeply thankful for who you are. Your hearts have touched my heart and kept it often strong at a weakened moment. Strength is gaining in the sorrow comes healing. Terms of acceptance is being reached.

The sorrow of my Eldest Sisters passing, touched that in her death the cvid was discovered and again she gave me life. She the one three years in to (some 20 years ago) recovery came to defend the truth I told. She saved my sanity too. It is all too holy. This silence has been a bit of that too. Walking on that holy ground of witnessing Gods loving gentle hand upon my life.

Each day even if it does not FEEL like it I am so very aware that the gratitude deeply placed within me remains.

For this I am Thankful. Happy Thanks giving and receiving of LOVE.

The Storm Dancer Award

Dance dance where ever you might be... Tis' a gift to be simple tis' a gift to be free...tis' a gift to come down where we ought to be...turn turn turn round until we come down right   Learning how to dance is a process of stumbling sore toes and hurt feelings.It is a chane to close your eyes and bump into walls when you get carried away.How annoying are those walls. Always have a way of distraction right into embarrassment.It is only in that laughter at ones self that the dance can continue until once again you find your eys closed and the walls looming again just knowing that the joy and beauty of the freedom found in the dance matters so much more than those walls.
Sometimes it takes a loving reminder that those walls really do not hurt as bad as the absence of dance.
Today we (kids and I) will surrender and listen to loud music and dance!

I just forgot about the dance floor and my dance card has been far to full of lists. I think for a while today I will erase all of the names above HIS and fill them in as Father

Father 

Father MY Friend...Thank you Denise for the reminder

  

Now who just turned the corner?

Do you ever wonder just what it is that makes the difference from one moment to the next?
Do you ever just do a double take and wonder?
Say what? How did that happen?
Wait a minute how?

This morning found me ABLE! Able to gently pop the dry poppy plants and then sit in the shade of the garage and pop the pods off the plants.

Meanwhile a little bee taught me. Showing me how when even the plant seams dry and feels yanked from the earth life still can be found in it. He joined me in my work as he did his. A fat little bumble all covered in golden pollen.

click image to enlarge

he is in the upper right center

I found my self singing. Many songs through my mind worshiping and then an old song "where have all the flowers gone?"

WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE 
words and music by Pete Seeger
performed by Pete Seeger and Tao Rodriguez-Seeger
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young men gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young men gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young men gone?
Gone for soldiers every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Gone to graveyards every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the graveyards gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the graveyards gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the graveyards gone?
Covered with flowers every one
When will we ever learn?
When will we ever learn?

©1961 (Renewed) Fall River Music Inc
All Rights Reserved.

After some time in the garden I realized I was using my hands! My wrist! May arms and shoulders.
Wait a minute?!
All right you who pray for the... and from the... kindness of your hearts.

It appears my hands are back.

I will tend to them as not to over do it too much. I love being a busy bee. I think I will hold on to some skills learned...
DELEGATE
ICE?HEAT (nothing like a cold drink and a warm cloth to wash my face :)
ALWAYS KEEP MY SONG!

And rest now for I am tired. Boy was it a blast to work though. I love my life. Picking poppy pods to add beauty to a world that so sorely needs it. I plan in the fall to toss it on road sides and vacant lots.
Everyone has their part:)

Spiritual Sunday

Peace
The family at peace
Moments of togetherness
Accented by a cough
colds have a way of slowing us
Breathing treatments
choclate frosting on my keyboard

Dove Made her Daddy man a cake
"all by myself mom".
"mom I am sorry"
"mom I can't get the oven door to close"
Door off the hinges
a ready easy fix that calmed the panic

Cake with candles
family night show
shoes for the needy
a tear in my eye that gave them a start.
Grandma had no shoes
Her father refused her
Sixth grade was her limit
No shoes No school in the hills of Tennessee bake in the 1930's.

Humble grateful little hearts come to me with an embrace
The joy off all those Jamaican children
Shod of foot tears in my eye.
The kids understood
We are far more than blessed with abundance and wealth

"How many pages are in the Bible Mom?"
His sweet little voice.
"Scratch my back, old and new, before Him and after."
"That's a chapter" I said.
"Lets play"! Sisters awakes from her brother's floor.
"I am alright with it" say he
Mom asleep by 7 p.m. in a quiet room.

Rich we are in the abundance
Life is Holy as the Master streams
The oak stands strong rooted deep
The dear pants for the water
My soul longs for Him

join us here