Lap blanket for the school bus driver...

I have had this thought of my dear school bus driver getting that chill on her legs every time the door opens. All those little faces looking up at her for the reassurance. Now I hope she will look a bit more comfortable and more at ease with a warm lap.

I used what I had. One side for any guy that might drive it.
The other little kid friendly with Strawberry Shortcake.
Fabric left over from a well intended Christmas some years back.
The green backing is fleece also , found it at a Goodwill thrift store.
I think over the years a $7 investment.
I can't wait to see her warm.

The sewing room cutting table is now clear of all the junk mail, sorting and filing of papers that were stacking up on it from around Christmas!
I won back my cutting table. I was not amused. I really despise the junk mail adds for credit card.
Your identity is your most valuable possession so having to tear up all the names and addresses on all the mail was a pain.
Going through each credit card request and finding every place they have listed your name helps protect your vulnerability to identity theft.

While this was taking place here the Daddy Man took the kids to the school to play baseball with him. I had the house quiet. Got to missing them. Go figure that sweet man of mine gives me time alone and I feel sad because I am here working while they are out playing. goof ball am I.

After a rest and some refreshment My Mr and I went out to face the dog dung in the yard.
We worked the mucking of the coop and moved it to the fresh long grass once we had cleared the space of dog dun. The birds were quiet for the first time all day.
He moved the compost bens for I had dumped the big one over. It was so full there was no way for me to turn it. My compost is not doing so well for I have neglected the watering and am not strong enough to turn it.
We moved both bens togeather to near the coop. This might make for an easier job of the coop work. Then we turned the earth again in the garden. I left the Daddy man and our sweet little man turning and breaking up the clods while I made supper.
Dove was watching "Leave it to Beaver " and asked if we could eat at the dining room table on fancy plates....
Well I compromised. I put a nice cloth on and use our every day dishes.
Eggs, sage sausage and english muffins with cherry or strawberry all fruit preserves.
My Beloved was in heaven and delighted himself silly full.

We are both tired from the hard work, but the sweetist thing...
At supper my husband thanked God for all the hard work to make our provision and then he thanked God for me and the toil of our hands and the desire of my heart to grow us all such good foods. I felt real nice to hear that. Especially after I had handed him ( well offered/asked him to get it done with me) a shovel to clean up dog dung and turn the earth with/for me.
The soil is now ready I think for the boys used a hoe to tend it. There were a lot of worms out there. I could still use more sand out there a few spots have to much clay.
Hope all of you had the day your of desire.
I hope that you know how much what you do for your families matter,
even if you may not hear it from them.
Your gift of service will not go unnoticed.

Frugal ...they call it green now

I gained a wonderful idea from Rhonda over at "down to Earth".
So I whipped these up this morning.
by using 1/8 th inch wide ribbon scraps the weight with toggle was .01 oz.
The weight of the plastic slightly moist was .01 oz
So no difference there.

The toggle will make the job quick for me.
Time is a value when you live from scratch.

That beautiful table topper is what Bren over at "Pieces of Me" quilted for me.
It is so pretty.

A bag of produce bags.
Added feature not extra plastic (at least not from me) in the land fill.
Just imagine if it caught on.

I will also get 5 cents from the store each time I use them. I made 6 of them differing sizes and all with 1/8 inch ribbons each a different color to add an easily way to see what I have.

I had a baggie ( ?now I'm thinking) :) of ribbon scraps.
Perhaps I will find more useful ideas for these little bags?????????????

Aloha Friday

join us here for more idea fun

Welcome to this week’s edition of Aloha Friday.

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that we take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too. Therefore, I’ll ask a simple question for you to answer. Nothing that requires a lengthy response.

What are some ways you are being more frugal?

The Biggest Kitchen Table

Join us at Down to Earth

Posts on Chickens and pets
if you scroll way down I show the chicken tractor being built
also under pets there were a few other post here
There is a post with links to coop patterns and suppliers in the U.S.

We bath our own dogs, this saves a lot on grooming bills. I note the wonderful dog shampoos purchased from a groomers mail order by the gallon and mixed 16 /1


Aprons Ignor the promp of "page not found" click on the side bar of it and it still shows the patterns.
Well it looks like she has gone commercial. Get some ideas anyway. I printed mine out and added them hard copy. If I can figure out how to get a pdf to the side bar (instructions anyone) :)


Scrubbies You know I still have some of those left! I have used them now for just over a year. The netting was given to me free.
When I do a project I do it big , once and then I do it seldom. That is one way to be frugal.

Under sewing and homemaking are other ideas that you might find useful.
You'll see that I sew assembly style. This is a big economic saving.
MY TIME IS VALUABLE!

Tea Party

Hello,
Well this evening brings some improvement for me. Although I am still week ,I am not in as much discomfort.
I have been invited to a tea party after Bible time.
I have not been given an invitation like this before.

Dove, Dash and Daddy Man read the scriptures for the story time and then he reads from one of their books. Bible time is not an option.
So in a few moments I get to go into my daughters world and be with her.
Now...when given a cup of water and the dust in the cup creates an infusion you would rather not drink..............
she ran to the kitchen and came back with a tiny bits of a cup cake. It was proportioned to fit the plate. We had so much fun! Laughter is good medicine,
She got a new tea party set from her Cousin for Christmas, it is the one with the dark flower on it. I told her she could go get my antique one from off my beading shelf. I told her that she is going to be 12 this year perhaps she might be able to take good care of it for us so we could do this again. She was not sure if she wanted the responsibility of it.
We played reverse manners.

I had cake and got to have my fork to eat it too.

That is reverse of eating with your mouth shut.
She and I laughted at being a little naughty all in making fun of how dumb it is to have bad manners. So fun! I played with Dove! I played!

Then she put lip gloss on me. Wanting to take my picture i gave in carelessly.
She was so happy with her good job....then it took a silly turn

She choose the darkest gloss and made me promise to close my eyes. She then got set to take the shot and I did a goofy face to her surprise. We laughed so hard. I went in to see dash and it frightend the poor kid.

Then she took me by the hand to show Daddy Man.
I think his humor was off tonight.

Mercifully My Darling Husband has not been doing overtime this week and he covered my back today with the chores.
In these tough times he was acknowledged at his employment with a very rair and amazing thing...a raise!
Yes he recieved a raise our income will go up I think 1.50 an hour. This will be such a help by spring we may well be able to be back on our savings track.

Earlier tonight while Dove was doing her homework I was stunned to have her do an amazing thing. she was very upset at the method of the equation she was attempting and I was able to be gentle and patient with her. Everthing inside me was telling me her actions had nothing to do with the math. I invited her into her room where I laid down beside her and just held her a moment.
She ralied and said that she needed to finish her homework, but "you can stay here and rest in my bed mom, I'll turn off this light ".
Then in a moments time she had cleared off a rolling cart and returned with a glass of ice water for me incase I had a thirst.
Wow.
I laid there and just prayed for my girl.

We had a bit of left over for supper and then watched some cooking shows togeather.
time to rest.
thank you for your kindness.
I hope you have enjoyed Theola the novel. I am hoping to get a way to put it over on the side bar so the space on the page is not taken up.
Does anyone want another chapter?
I am finally doing the editing as I ready it to post.

Thankful Thursday

join us over at Grace Alone

I slept till noon. Once the children were on the school bus I went back to bed. I am a bit off today . I stayed up posting the book.
I am glad that all fear and concern is dulled by obedience alone.
It is what God thinks of us that matters.
Grateful to all of you for your prayers. This hamster will get back up on the wheel. I just need to rest a bit today. Sadness is effecting me. Migraines really pull a vacuum :)

Gratitude is that ...this too shall pass
strangest song over my head
carol kings, hold on

Theola...the conclusion of Chapter One

Chapter One continued...

Theola, I like that about myself most of all even when I don’t recall others they remember me seemingly so fondly. If we met before it had to be from work somehow. I have no life beyond that. At least that makes it a little easier. This mystery gives me something to think about other than my injured feelings and the controversy I have to debate when I get back to Trumann. This day in the garden has been so healing to me. I leave here refreshed. I am so grateful that I was allowed to pick my own foods like that the kindness that Mr. Roscoe showed me was, well it was needed.

Sometimes it is like I’m married to the hospital. I have awakened to a much harsher reality. It is not “the dream”. Malcolm was my dream, he is gone now and that life is over. This is more a lasting nightmare of fatigue for me. The hospital is just the grounds where the people come to gain their well being, and fix the devastated places in their lives. I wonder if maybe being a Chaplin is just too relentless for me. So much suffering and I have been so constrained in the way in which I am aloud to comfort. I just can’t stand the business premise of it anymore God.

“Oh God, What am I to do with this trial?”

I must have employment to be able to feed and shelter myself. Malcolm’s insurance and disability only covered so much until I retire. Do I have to suffer, to endure, during this time of my life? Life on my own is so hard. I am so grateful that he did all that he could to secure me. This world is so costly. It was once that a little would go a long way but now what seems a lot is truly only a little when it has to last a long time. I must be wise. I must protect myself from the dangers of burn out, of poverty and of losing heart. I want to make sure I have some benefits and coverage for health care. To do this I have to find a way to work out these problems with Egan. I wish that he could gain from this too. If all the patients and staff profit it will be a great accomplishment.

The night came in clouds and the rain was a sheet of slate blue as I inched my way back to the cabin. I began that slow drive up that narrow two-lane slice of forest fudge. My mind was full of so many considerations. The turn off into the cabin is so hard to catch sight of. I am so glad that no one is following me on this wet dark night. I saw the marker, and at a snail's pace turned onto the dirt. The decline of the road caused a little ford to flow across a few feet in off the main road. Still aware of the possible torrent of rain at the higher elevation and a little unsure about crossing it I looked upstream to make sure that the flow was not rising too rapidly. So I held my breadth and passed through. I may not get out of this drive in the morning if this rainy weather were to continue. I was so glad to pull up the incline into the shelter of the big blue spruce tree next to the overhang of the cabin. The wind was blocked by it until I got onto the porch. The lighting flashed and just a moment later bangs the thunder! This storm is right overhead. I saw what Dwight spoke about. The ‘steel’, it was a triangle and steel dowel hanging off of the porch eave. The lightening reflected off of it and had caught my attention. I had the key in the bolt and gloom began to set. I fought the loneliness I felt and remembered that Malcolm told me I would never ever be alone. He said that God is my friend and as we were friends yet God he said would always be a much better friend to me. The rain should die down soon I hoped. It is so cold in this cabin. Now that I am here I wonder how long it will be until I am able to get this place warmed up. Grabbing the blanket from off of the chair and wrapping me round I hugged myself and smiled thinking of my forever friends. I fled out to the sedan and got the wood. How I wished I had more than one bundle of it. I ran back and dropped it on the porch. I braced myself and ran back to the car to get the bag of groceries. I carried the sack as it all but fell out of my arms as I was running. If this is all the wood I have I may be in for a cold night.

On the drive in I thought of the chicken and rice. The meal was something I was truly looking forward to. I reached into the sack to get a carrot to snack on while I secured the fire. Washing it in the pump sink was a real adventure. This thing is on a well. It pumps. At least the handle had loosened up from the use this morning. Man have I stepped back in time tonight. Washing off the carrot I snapped the beautiful long greens from the end it is so crispy! I was about to bite into it when I realized I had company. Life gives life. It was a praying mantis. I flashed back to my early childhood to my Dear Nana Oona it was she who had told me I had the gift. That’s what she said, the Gift. Remembering her way, I thought back to the many lessons of the earth so very long ago. They had all but vanished and now again those lessons whisper to me. Come alive again to your gift. It was Nana Oona who told them all that I was heaven sent. Fathers name was Cole but Mother insisted that I forget the old ways. She said people don’t want to know who you were, so “don’t tell anyone what that dear old woman told you”. You are a Cole that is who you are. Daddies kept us all like doves in a cage. He never learned the ways of my Nanas people. He had no warrior heart or adventure to fight he was just a keeper of the doves. He always admired momma’s beauty but forgot to pursue her. He never shared any adventures with her. Her days were lonely, she would tell me how she longed for a moment in time when Dad would come and sweep her off her feet. Dad was always distracted with his work. He had no real friends so he found solace in a bottle. He was a sad man. I saw her waiting, but he never came. She grew weaker and weaker over the years until her soul could no longer take flight. She vanished into Alzheimer’s and just continued to float away. He just watched from a distance. He saw her go that night when the doves cried outside the hospice window. The morphine drip was so kind to her. She slowed her fight into a stillness that took away her breadth. Silently she flew away and Daddy lost the key to her cage. I think the earth cried that day for it lost a great ally that it never really got to know. None of us really knew her; she was never pursued like a woman needs to be.

A woman has little choice if she is held to honor. If the man you marry does not engage you and your honor if does not allow you to betray him you must just sail away.

A cooing was coming from the eave just outside the cabin window. Perhaps my cold little friend is a dove? I was reminded of the pigeons in the cafeteria courtyard. I can see the people shooing them off. Here the sound is so comforting. Welcome friend it cooed and we were still. There was peace. He pursued me. This dove sent by Gods mercy and grace. Never alone… Malcolm is so right I think that is the only escape for women like me, and like those who are caged and left wanting. Sadness and then anger flooded my memories for I wanted to fight for her. I wanted mom to fight for herself. I loved her. I missed her, the real presence the woman within her heart, but I never got to know her really. Her lamp went out far too soon. She and I had so little time. I never really felt like she was very close to me. She wasn’t like all the other moms. It was always like she had some secrete to keep. If she did have a secret I never knew what was. After she died Daddy tolerated me. He put me through college and would call sometimes when I was in The University. Yet he was always distant I always felt like I owed him something. I never really knew what it was. I was always too afraid to ask. He is gone now too. They were the only family I ever had. They were a lot older than the parents of my friends. Dad gave me away too Malcolm but moms absence was so painful at my wedding that I just ached for her. When Dad gave me to Malcolm it was like the keys to my cage were lost. Malcolm soon rid our lives of cages. He taught me to be a bird on the wild. A freedom I never knew came with my marriage to him. I felt like I never really had parents. They were so distant and aloof from me. I never really did without things just them. I would have given anything just to feel a little more wanted by them. I could never understand why I was not aloud to see Nana Oona or speak of her. It was like they were ashamed of her. I don’t even know when she died. There was no funeral or service for her. She was just gone. I last saw her when I was about four or so. I am so amazed how much I can remember her presence around me. Sometimes I get flashes of some upsetting thing but I just can’t remember what it was. Mom and Dad just wouldn’t tell me why or what happened. They would just say hush never speak of it again. Some things are better forgotten. I tried to just trust them and obey.

The lamp by the chair was flickering a bit when I turned the old worn switch. Shadows were edged around the room. The quaint atmosphere was endearing. A jagged flash lit up the night and silence was interrupted by the lagging bang in the distance. It was like the noon of day for just an instant. My eyes adjusted back to the soft lighting of the seventy-five-watt bulb.

Flickering again, the lamp tells me to start my fire. I must start my fire quickly tonight. If I loose the electric I will have a real hard time of it. This old cabin does not even have any electric heating. This old pot bellied iron stove is the heating. Thank God Dwight sold me some wood. I am so glad he was there to help me. I liked having such good company today. Some days I feel so sadly cold and alone. When I am not alone at work it is because I am desperately needed by a patient or a family member in crisis. I am always on the guard as to not overstep the hospital rules and regulation. Most days I will have several people needing me at the same time. My pager would be buzzing and the central speaker calling for me to report to the E.R. department. I love the stillness here. Caring just for my own needs is so foreign to me. I never really have been a free dove since I lost Malcolm. My life has been caged in by the rules of all those bars holding me in. I have had to always depend upon the kindness of those who might fill my water cup or give me a few crumbs.

Almost everyone loves to look at a dove. Some cynics say that they are stupid. That they can’t search out anything for themselves. I need to free myself of this cage. Like my friend out there I may get caught in a few storms. I will find a refuge somewhere where I might be a blessing to some person resting in a cabin binding her wounds and finding her own wings.

Finding my wings?

The Cabernoff family was so kind to have offered me this refuge. They all but insisted, it warmed me so much to have others fighting for my heart. They were so upset at the way that I had been treated after all I had done for them and as they put it “and so many others!” I have wings that I can see but each time I begin to spread them Egan or one his cronies come by with the little clippers to keep me “grounded”. I must fly, and fight for the right the God given charge to use my giftedness. God has given it; it is God I will depend upon for the victory in all of this.

“God please hear my heart and help me to be true to it.” With all that is within me this is my request. I know he will here me and help me. I must reach through this trial. I will trust that whatever happens that I will be well cared for. I must not become indigent and wanting. “Please God give me the Wisdom I need to make the right choices you have set before me.” Knowing that my prayer is heard I let this go and I will rest in your friendship.

I’ll use this paper bag to kindle the fire. The ‘way’ is beginning to come back to me. I feel like I have always known how to do this. I have a second nature of it. It was only a moment and the fire was blazing and the wood caught on before the die down of the kindling vanished it into ash. I felt so thrilled to have accomplished this task independently. For self-sufficiency is a challenge to this widow. I was so well cared for by my love. I have so much responsibility now that it is up to me to care for myself.

Caring for myself, food! With my praying mantis in an inverted cup I feel like a prison guard. I am glad he will be returned to the garden tomorrow. The loss of his home might have just as well been his doom with this storm tonight. I will restore him soon to his hunting grounds though. I love that the foods Dwight gave me are free of those poisons that erase all life from our fields. The can of chicken opened with some effort. These old can openers so force the issue of sore hands. Washing the pot in the cold well water makes my joints even stiffer. It will be up to that hot iron stove to warm my hands. I will cook my supper for the first time on a potbellied wood fire. Oh man this is such an adventure. I love it. The rice mix will take a little while but I have time here. The broth in the can of chicken is fragrant. The bay laurel will honor my pot as I think of the garden and the simple wisdom of the gardener. I can await my meal that I am preparing in this peace and solitude without that rushed feeling of my daily other life back in the city. I wish I had purchased a sweet. I long for a little dark chocolate. A hot cup of peppermint tea would be lovely too. I find some strange joy in doing without though. It makes the idea of having it even more gratifying. How rich I am that normally I can just get any thing my heart desires. How spoiled that can make ones’ character. Demand and receive. I know it would not be worth the risk and effort to go back out tonight. That is somehow so gratifying to me. I just want to stay here alone. I must have dozed off in the fires glow. The sizzle of moisture on the iron plate of the stove stirred me awake. Waking was like a nice dream. That’s the best when our real time is a good dream.

Warm chicken and bay rice, plated I ate the raw carrots whole while the bay rice delighted my palate. I find it so charming to rub the little roots off of the carrots and just enjoy them as they are. The smell of mild onion coming from the counter is pleasing but I’ll use the leeks for tomorrow’s meal.

A nightingale makes me weep. I’m so tired Lord. I feel so week. Will I too fad away or will I fight it and pursue an adventure with you. Do you think that I am being too much, to bold and incessant with Egan and the others? Am I not enough, Am I letting you down by not speaking up more boldly?

The only one I remember is Nana Oona and her lessons. She saw an adventure in me Lord; she even saw beauty in me. Was Daddy afraid of mom and I that this great beauty would be a power to strong for him? Perhaps that is what the problem is with Egan and Medwin, Yvette and the others who want to clip my tail feathers and render me flightless. We were meant to take flight into our purpose! If I helped them to take flight into their purpose do you think Lord that that would free them from the threat? Is it my purpose, to free others and to walk in that freedom as an example to them? As a service to you God I fight my way out of this maize. A lullaby heard in the trees as they sway in time sooths me. I hear the stillness. The rain has stopped and the wave of down is floating away over the tops of ancient evergreens, pines and spruce, cypress, elder and oak. Even now with eyes closed I can see this quilt of clouds drift like a lover stealing the covers leaving you exposed to the cold. I long for the warmth of a lover to see me. The broth sizzled as it splashed over the rim onto the Iron burner plate. Startled and grabbing the pot I pulled it part way off the fire. I am so glad to see it boil. I smell the honor of the bay laurel. Sleep is as sweet as a warm meal now and I just long for it. To recline and wrap up into the cozy luxury of cotton cushioned joy thrills me. The thought of it pulls up a battle between food and bed. Opening the iron door and adding a log feels so natural to me. It is so like I was born to do it. What happened to me? Did I forget who I was? I survived by being someone or something else. Like a robot before its time, I remember the old “lost in space show” how hokey that robot looked like some modern costume that somebody’s eight year old made out in the garage. That’s how I feel at work now days, like someone’s robot out of its time. My suppers done, and as I dish it up the honor of the bay get discarded. Just like me at work. They eat me up, yet discard the honor. My belly now soothed of its hunger I can join the slumber of me eyes with the pillow I so long to meet, it was just as I had left it this morning. Another log in the iron and I bid my bones a good rest. I will do the dishes and clean up in the morning. Oh, the stillness.

The stillness was removed and replaced with a woodpecker on the stovepipe. No telling what time it was for up here the hour matters not so much as the rhythm of the earth. Nana Oona used to say listen to the rhythms they will tell you the way dear Theola they will show the way of it.

“Good morning Dear Lord”.

The chatter of the nuthatch cussed me out of bed. Fire, the stove needs wood, are there any coals? Oh please let there be coals! It must be very early because a few coals remain. The smaller splits will be the wisest ones to stoke up a flame. In and done the iron slapped shut. I jumped back into the cozy warmth and rubbed my feet until the chill wore off the sheets again. I felt so wild. Like a frontiersmen the adventure of the morning begins. Once the little room warmed up a bit, I ventured out to start the shower. Soon the pumps self-primer kicked in. That was what I heard yesterday morning. No wonder the shower took so long to heat up. This rustic cabin with the limited modern conveniences is a mixture of booth worlds just like me. Time now to set a log, and fill the belly of the stove with the mass of it. Now I am warming up. A shower hot and refreshing I’ll shut this door so the bathroom will warm up some first. One more log, the last indulgence. I really want a warm place when I’m done with the shower. I love the water as it falls over my head and through my hair. My face feels the kiss of a lover’s tenderness as the numbness fades from my cheeks. All warmth embraces me now, as I am immersed into this watery world. Gratefully I weep at this simple provision. I feel so grateful to you God for every provision. You are the lover of my soul. I find comfort in you as I start this new day. Good morning my dear Love my dear Lord and friend. May I be a blessing to you today in all that I do, think and say? Weeping removes the walls around my heart I let Him in for a few moments in time. My mind is still. Silent in my pain I feel my face in Gods hands. The warmth is like a balm of fragrant kindness. Comfort and ease remove the pain of this coldness I have experienced. Breathing deeply I have paused to take it in. Why have I waited so long to be still? I missed you Father. I need you. I am made silent within me. My mind in this moment alone feels humbled be relieved of burdens, insults and wounds. Rest… rest. I have been gifted with the freedom of rest. Thank you, thank you Lord.

My old iron belly friend has served me well the cabin is warm. The pump gifts me with an icy cold drink of morning well water. The taste of it is like nothing, literally nothing. At home the water has flavor not here. This water is the purest drink I have ever had.

Fitting for a morning absent of the other world my life knows. I neglect the stillness the comfort God has for me. The comfort needed by those in my care has taken presidency for so long. I need to learn the balance of preservation of my own peace and comfort. Not an easy task with having so many pulling on me and pushing against me. I must grow the wings that will help me fly. I must free myself of the cage. I must turn the key in my own life so that I can open the lock in the lives of those I serve. It is enemies like Egan who would extinguish my light if they were able. Egan and Medwin want me to resign my position on staff. I am making a difference that they can’t understand. The protocols are not followed and they refuse to see any farther than the rules give them rope. They are so entangled with the laws that the rope can only be used to bind people up. The cord synch hard against freedom of flight and it is only praised to be a prisoner of “the acceptable” ways to respond. I am so weary of this fight each time I almost have a patient untangled and on the way to healing the Chaplainry steps in and disembowels the strength of truth the people stand on. Then they fall and fall so hard and with such excruciating agony that they are often are unable to be restored. These are the leaders who are supposed to work with me and for me. They are assigned to be the support net that I can fall into to find encouragement. Yet they have believed a lie. They have pursued a career and engage in the business of what was once a relationship, a mission of compassion. How can I endure this betrayal? This pain is so great to beat. It hurts me so badly to see them broken without recourse. What can be done Lord? Can you change Egan and Medwin or get them out of the way somehow. Oh Lord I do not wish their demise. I long for the destruction to stop. If there are demonic sources behind this I stand in opposition to them by the cross of Christ placed between them and Trumann General. I’m falling to my knees God. Please as I lay here naked before you please. Weeping is now my breakfast, a fast broken only by my tears. I weep. My heart, my head hurts with the pain my weeping has pulled up within me. I am so battle worn. Lord I lay it down and I am asking you to please make a way.

The comb runs through the length of my hair. Few tangles to hinder it, the water in the well must be soft. I can feel the slick moisture on my shoulders as I pat them dry. This bathroom is a cloud of steam. I shut my eyes and I am floating above the treetops. I am flying. I have broken through the restraints of that old cage, so distain.

Wrapped in my towel I’m falling into bed. Weeping is coming up out of me like a geyser of heated emotion. Losing strength it then is only to rise again at each remembrance of betrayal. Each Patient who was approached and told that the administration doesn’t condone or approve of my unconventional ways and apologizes for any problems I may have created. How arrogant to remove the strength that these dear people were finding such solace in. When was it that Egan or Medwin last read what the Holy Scriptures said? They just parrot the doctrines they have memorized at seminary. People need living truth not dead memories of text devised by someone whose intentions were to avoid lawsuits. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Father when will my morning come? Is this a battle you want me to return too or walk away from? I must know what you desire me to do.

I awoke to the sounds of songbirds like a touch of a hand that strokes ones brow and stills the mind. I am hungry! And I am slightly moist from my towel. Chilled I rise from this warm bed to dress. All touch seems tender to me. I am so sore of spirit. I need a tender day. I need to be cared for gently. I put on my soft sweatshirt with the humming birds on it, I have herd it said that pink is for healing. I could use that healing today. Stretchy pants too. I want to wear my moccasins but I wonder if it is to wet outside. Looking out onto the porch I see the steel. Oh now that makes more since to me now, a triangle to call down for help. That is what Dwight was speaking about. Dwight, “we have met before” Where? The forest floor thick with the debris of life looks dry on surface and that will do. I love the intimacy of my moccasins. I can’t where them in the city due to the subtle bigotry of those who are so ‘accepting’ of diversity.

A fire out cold now, but it looks like the sun has been up for some time now. I don’t want to eat rice; it’s been out all night. I don’t trust it. It’s time for another one of my adventures. Kerstin is always telling me she longs for the day she can just spend time with me without another “’adventure” interrupting us.

I wonder if I can find something to keep this little praying mantis in. Splendid the rice box that is just the thing! With a paper slid under the overturned cup, turning it over and gently dropping him in. Done, I got ya! Let’s take you back home. You have a garden to protect little one. I’ve got my key, and my bag. The inside of the cabin is secure. The door takes a couple of tries to latch. It must be swollen from the rain last night. My car looks so out of place here funny how unappealing it is, compared to the blue spruce beside it. I find a place inside of me that wants to thank the spruce for its help. Oona and the old ways stir within me. I want to remember them but the reservation was a lifetime ago. No one must know of it if I am to keep the social position I have gained. For the loss of masks I wear would surely remove all authority and power that men have given me. Oona said that God had given me a gift. Could that transcend the authority I’m so afraid to loose? Free me God. Require your will within me. Help me to comply and please remove the fear and pretence far from me. If only I could be true to whom I am.

The tone of the alarm sounds as the doors unlock. Slipping into the cold wet car seat started me. I set my little friend down beside me. The engine disrupts the stillness like a giant misplaced U.F.O. I shut it off. I don’t belong in it today. I stepped out and grabbed the rice box and closed the door. Today I hate the sound of the beep. So I will just walk away. To walk is Oona’s way. She told me of how the birds and creature would teach her “the way” as she walked to the white mans school. The lessons of the white man made no since. They looked into pages of books and the faces of the children never looked up to the life around them. Seminary was mush like she told me about her own days in school. We were taught to look down into the pages of the bible and all of the other study books. I remember how every chance I had I would look up. Did Egan ever raise his eyes? Can I show him how to look up?

My steps began to soften on the earth as I continued on. The Way of it would tell us to walk softly on the earth. I have no way of knowing how far it is to the general store but I don’t choose to be governed by that limitation. God I am hungry and I need food please be my provision and lead me in your path in your way. This needs to be possible in the city this needs to be possible with my friends around me this needs to be me even with my enemies!

God you need to be my food this day, every day. Make my heart to trust in you today, each and every day of my life with every breadth of my life.

It seems to be wisdom to get onto the main road. The asphalt is hard so the roadside is my path as much as possible. So many flowers are showing gratitude for the rain yesterday. Yellow marigolds, purple prairie gentian, red and orange columbine, coral-bells and crimson king reflect the sun on each of the dewdrops. The flowers are my soul food. They are the eye candy my course out of order desert is first. God’s design captured rebellion from the mundane. My appetite is robust and I take all of this beauty in. Each moment in time, as my footfalls become softer and softer upon this earth, I hear more clearly. The days come flooding back to me when I would walk for hours and miles taking in the lessons Father God had for me. We would walk and the Holy Spirit would talk to me uninterrupted, telling me of his design and His love. Gods perspectives were reveled in such intimacy that even now I am fully assured that it was his voice that spoke to me and non other. Where did my heart go? Where have I been? In my youth you opened my eyes to the darkness and lies and I shut them again. I want to come home to my Father I want to be part of where my heart says I belong. I want to challenge the lies that keep your people far from you. Accusing you of all the wrong that we do to our selves and that is done to us. The sun smiles upon me and I am warmed by the blinding glow. My steps soft are unseen as I close my eyes against the glair. I can see everything around me even in the absence of my eyesight. Nothing is lost. All is evident and every so often I will glance to make sure I have a safe path. When the soil texture changes, I know it. I can tell be the way the earth touches my moccasins. Two or three miles must have passed when I felt a tug on the leg of my pant. Caught by a thorn, the berry caught my eye. Black Raspberries! Joy! Joy! Breakfast at Tiffany has nothing on this! I gathered berries and filled my mouth with this treasure of the earth, I feel so here, so present in this moment. My hands are purple with the stain of the testimony of your provision Lord. Well Hello little one, do you want one too? Holding my hand out, extending it so slowly and so carefully. I held eye contact with the thoughts of all that is holy and he came aboard. My heart speaks a silent greeting of peace is to you. The moments we shared were beautiful. This is life.

He was so handsome, “See Dee Dee, teed le-dee” thank you my little gray crested Titmouse.

Traveling on with my fill of your abundance I smile at the future. The bend in the road has approached and the General Store is now in view. Dwight was to tell me where I knew him from today. I don’t want to spoil the mystery. I like knowing him anew. It is fun to not have to know all the answers. It is good for my soul to just enjoy this gregarious fellow. A declining grade of road made my legs speed up as I approached. I felt like a girl trying not to skip in front of the schoolmaster. She is nowhere to be seen so I shall. It has been a lifetime ago that I skipped. What fun! Man I’m gaining a lot of speed. Laughter breaks out of me as I begin to stumble into the dusty lot of the store. Laughter, I am abandoned to laughter. So long I have yearned for this abandon. So full is the release from within, weeping I laugh. Sitting down on the huge granite boulder I try to ketch my breadth. I have an old clock swing. Pain meets joy. I am whole.

“Mrs. Tallu are you all right Mam?” Asked Dwight, as he came running from the garden.

“Dear Sir I haven’t been this all right for a very long time.” I said smiling with my eyes still full of tears.

“Well that’s mighty good news you gave me quite a start to see you so”, said Dwight

“I brought your friend back to you”

“Who might that be”? Dwight asked”

My company was a wonderful little green fellow, a praying mantis, as a matter of fact. I have him in this rice box. I hope he is all right. Are you on foot Mrs. Tallu? Asked Dwight

Yes I am, today the sounds of a car just polluted the quiet so I turned off the motor and walked.

“Mam that’s three miles you traveled”. He exclaimed

Indeed? I had berries on the way. What a wonderful breakfast that was. The best meal I have had in years. I picked it myself.

“Is that all you’ve had?” Dwight asked

Yes, with the sunshine on the side. I smiled at him. The way he cared so much was very endearing.

“Are ya rested some now? Can you come on to the house? I could serve you some coffee if you like?” his invitation chimed

“Oh! Dwight that sounds delightful and don’t let me leave here without proper groceries, especially some dark chocolate. I have had dark chocolate on my mind all night.”

Laughing we started off. Dwight held my arm and steadied my weary steps to the upper garden. We set up our social on the table in the yard.

“I love to see your garden dear Sir. Lets free our little prayer buddy here. What does this mantis like best? I asked

“Well what was he enjoying when you found him?” from the gardeners mind

“The carrots, the wonderfully fern like leaves of those carrots“I said humored at the simplicity

“Then there he should go” Dwight responded

As he gently reached for the rice box and tipping it up gently, the little creature was now back home where he belonged.

“Well you just rest a while and I’ll be back in a jiffy. You take any thing in it?”

“Well I like soymilk but that can often be hard to come by so black with sugar is second best. No milk please I have an allergy to it.”

“Enjoy the garden I’ll return shortly.” My host smiled and left.

Oh how Kerstin Rowena would love this place. She would let down her silver hair and brush it out right on the spot. I can just imagine the sun on it now so white and shocking. She is so wise. I can always tell her of my journeys. I wish I could just sit with her adventure free, except for her. I feel I owe her so much. She has always partnered with me in prayer all these years. The smell of coffee is filling the air. Comes to me my new friend to share a cup. “Oh thank you! Dwight! What have you there oh, you are a sweet heart yourself. I love dark chocolate. Thank you. “

As my mouth fills with the bittersweet oils of a quality bonbon I am in heaven!

“Mr. Roscoe you are a rascal. I love it.”

“I offer sweets for the sweet Lady. Now have you considered our prior meeting, Mrs.Tallu?”

“Yes I have given the question some thought coming up with this as my conclusion. I rather enjoy the mystery of not knowing the answer to it. I’m not sure I want to discover your secrete.”

“Well now. He said that does sound like you. I must say this rest is bringing back the heart of the girl that I once knew.”

“Now you offer a clue this shall be a morsel to consider. I will see it by and by.” I like getting to know you for who you are this day. “She said”

Now that sounds like the heart within you too, said Mr. Dwight Roscoe.

Coffee is wonderful and the chocolate perfectly marvelous. I had better get a few things together from the store and head back up the hill. Mr. Ros… “Dwight” yes, yes… Dwight, would you be able to drive me up the hill? Well I’ll have to lock down the store and the pumps to do so.

Oh no, I couldn’t ask that of you.

You all ready have Mam and it would be my pleasure. I’ll just turn the clock sign over and if it is important anyone can just wait the few minutes it will take me to get you up the hill. Not a problem at all, not at all. Now let’s go see to those supplies.

I’ll get a cart today. I need two bundles of wood. I’ll get some lunch fixings, supper and things for breakfast. Do you have any instant coffee? I love the ones that are flavored they don’t love me too much but I’ll splurge a little.

Over here Dwight pointed to the third row of the little, five row store. Don’t forget some matches or a lighter now. Where can I find the chocolates you served?

Well Mam that is a special reserve held only for garden guests. You come back for tea tomorrow and I will be sure to have some plated.

Tea! Yes I’d like that. Tea and another clue would be fun. I want to get some peppermint tea for this evening do you have some. I have some peppermint picked and set aside for you in the produce case. You’ll find a few apples in there too if you would like some. I pulled them up from the cellar last night. This mountain air is giving you back a nice robust appetite. It is good to see you enjoying yourself. Would you like some juice for you breakfast too? Maybe you would like some birdseed for any little friends that come to see ya? We got a lot of migrating birds this time of year.

What a splendid idea. Well that will do it.

Lets see now, the tally rang out and after the last item was rung up I pulled my card out of my secrete spot. Nature’s pocket, paid for my goods. Bagged and ready to go.

Dwight the kind gentleman he is proving to be held the door as the shop bell clanged goodbye. He held the door of the old rusty pick up as I pulled myself up. He placed the “be back soon” sign in the door. Paddle locked the gas pump and loaded my bags in the bed of the truck. Rumbling up the road we make quick time of it. He helped me with the bags and insisted on starting my evening fire. We used the last log from the first bundle and cut into the second one. The iron belly was warm and cherry like a black Santa in the cold of winter. We bid a goodbye and I thanked him for his many kindnesses. The old rusty truck could be heard for some time. My day spent resting and being in the quiet. Soon was silent again in the forest just before the night.

This man sees my heart and thinks the best of me. Somewhere I have found favor with him. Dwight must be one of “His.” Supper was sped up by the fire ready to cook it was done in what seemed but just a moment. I really like the tea leaves pure fresh peppermint. He knew I loved peppermint tea. How would he know that? If it were recent I would think I would not have any problem remembering. My clue, it must have occurred several years ago, long before I forgot who I was, ong before I forgot my gift. During the years that my memories of Oona and the way were still fresh and I had not forgotten.

Tea remembers, a cup of tea can hold my heart as it sooths my mind. Sleep is prepared for me and I am ready. I will hold this day. I will remember. Lord lay me down in the truth. Show me who I am. I need to remember who I am. Good night Father. Covers pulled over me just as I am. Day is done.

Waking up to my un-brushed teeth I pined for a drink of water. I slept hard through the night. Stiffness gowned in my back. Stretching out aches I realize I was exposed to a long cold night. I have to go back home today. I don’t want to go. I’m crying inside to think of going back into the froe. Rolling into the blankets I spin into a cocoon. I am so cold! I am a swaddled child. The pressure of the covers feels so secure. I don’t want to face them again. All the strife all the blindness is so oppressive. Please God do something in Egan’s heart to open his eyes and ears to me, to you. I know he is a good man he has a good heart. The role he is in is killing the life force within him. He is becoming a walking dead man. I can see it in his eyes. I hear it in the defeated words he uses against me. He tries to constrain me. Please God help him. Help me. Dozing in and out I find comfort being enveloped this way. However I need to get my day going. Start a fire, and heat some water for the dishes. If I shower the hot water will warm me quickly. Fire first so it can warm the room. Get some water in the kettle for dishes. The heat pump for the shower is such a blessing an afterthought I guess. Why not for dishes too? Perhaps it is just the way it is. Rolling round and round and falling off the bed laughter engulf me. I laugh until I cry. Oh Lord I need your tender embrace. I need your wisdom. Well at least I’m dressed. Fire, come on potbelly give. The kindling began quickly so as to get the logs going .Yes a fire! Kettle is full. I grabbed my last clean outfit out of the little armoire, turning the tub handles and shutting the door, I disrobe for my shower. Shivering, awaiting the warmth to shortly come, luxury is a hot shower. The kettle water was enough to give me some instant coffee and to warm the dishpan water. The last of the little muffins from home were a little dry but the sipping of the coffee moistened them well enough. It is nice to be clean and have a little food in my tummy. I’m thinking a lot about standing in the truth of who I am. Washing off each threat of rejection with every dish I scrubbed. Stripping the bed linins off and packing up my stuff I longed to stay. This trip was used as such a reminder of walking in “the Way”. I must be true to you Lord. The dishes are all clean and dry. Stacked back into the cupboard it looks like I was never here. I must be true to who I am too. I must leave an imprint. I must never be as if I were in no way here walking and this earth. When I look back on my life, I long to see my own soft tracks, along life’s footpath. Why else transverse it?

I think I’ll sit with the scriptures a while. Talking with and listening to God, I’m lead to Psalm forty-three. In verse five “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance, and my God.

I have a long four-hour drive down the mountain later today. I will miss this time of stillness and peace. I must take it with me within me. I must hold onto the calm you offer me and NOT let anyone rob it or strong arm me into distress. From where within me can I find the courage, the power to stand? I want to be willing to risk everything to be real. I want to be true faced and beautiful, powerful and anointed to heal. I despise the clerical mask. I detest the religious pretence. And yet I’m afraid to walk exposing “the way”. The power of the spirit gains attention. We have been urged to keep our eye on those who cause dissension and hindrance contrary to the teaching that I learned and to turn away from them. When the Holy Spirit distracts the focus off of the leadership and the religious theologies that means they aren’t getting all the attention their wounded hearts long for. Then being forced to explain myself, to explain the way of the spirit is like showing pearls to swine. It isn’t enough for them just to believe they have to understand everything or they reject it. The ways of God are so often unexplainable. The ways of God are not up for debate with me. The scriptures speak of avoiding vain conversations and disputes. And they just don’t get it. Love would not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in another’s way. This abhorrence toward division must empower me to rebel against it and to fight for the truth and for the humble. I’ll load the car up. The dirty clothes and linins can go in to he trunk I closed it after tossing the bag of trash into the trunk. Looking up I see to the treetops. The frolicking of two squirrels in the branches catches my attention. They are so beautiful. They are just being squirrels. . I want to just be me also. Will I be enough to explain the truth to Egan and the administration? Will I come off to strong and offend them before I even have the chance to win them over? Will I be beautiful will I be able to allure them and win the favor that will cause them to at least listen to me? I must find the wisdom and the courage to walk into the things so strongly fixed into my heart and mind. I hope I get to return here someday.

Theola...Part of Chapter One

This is a purely fictional story by Donetta
The Introduction and the preface is in preceding posts

Chapter One

Forest Repose

It is so quiet. I’m here! How crisp this linen is against my cheek. With my toes smoothly rubbing over the warm fabric, what the heck oh man the comer of the sheet came off the mattress. Oh my back is rested that’s so nice to awake to. After that long drive I am amazed that I’m not in muscle spasms. Light is dancing on my eyelids. That’s strange! What am I seeing? It’s that window oh the leaves oh that is so beautiful. That is so beautiful. Those leaves, maybe they are silver dollar eucalyptus. I have so longed for this time in the woods.

I wonder if they miss me. Theola I love you, I love being who I am. How hard it is for me to hold on to that. Painfully challenging is it to love my own heart when I face constant conflict within me and around me. But that is why I came up here. I must have a rest for my exhausted soul. Abyss a chasm raptures me. Revered, you are at this juncture. “A delightful morning to you, Divine Spirit” I love you. I love your breadth on me. Do you see me enhanced in purpose? Do I gratify you with my appeal? Do you consider me? Why do I feel so deserted? I know I have those who are for me and for the job you have set before me. There are individuals who should know you and understand. How it pains me that, they are my greatest nemesis. Why can’t they see this path you set before me? Why is it they set so many obstacles in my path. How could they be so hurtful as to give such an ultimatum? In gratitude there must be some great conclusion to all of this agony. Can I make it to that end successfully? Oh my heart does pain me so very badly. All of this is for the children. All of this, the pain the rejection the threat of dismissal it is all for your progeny

The existence of relationship to cause and effect, have evaded the understanding of so many. Have I lived to just fill the air? It seems that few if any have recollected the moments of past exchanges. It amazes me how people were bent toward personal destinies after our interactions. It is to be kept our sacred secret Father. A silent knowledge, all of my own like the beauty of this moment. Continuance and the permanence of my place in these times prove so complex. I am in two worlds at once. As a member of one, and I am an outsider in the other. There are few even have ears to hear me. This silent scream of mine has caused my thought to wax sour. Yet the rest afforded me will refresh me. It must resuscitate me for I have but a few short days before I return to the other world where I will walk again as an outsider. This however is my charge sent to live here on the terrestrial Earth. One who has a gift to offer to “others”? Like each one of “His”, I too have an adventure all my own. Only perhaps it appears I may see it clearer than some. This One who is guided by Him who is the Divine, I choose to hear.
My great desire is to be called by God a friend of God. I long to see and to understand all that is mine, and mine alone to pass through. This is this charge that is to be carried out in my times to come. A journey not exclusively my own. I go in search of my given quest. I offer the view I have been shown to those whose eyes and ears want see and hear. They may only be open for a brief moment in time so I must keep abreast of the silent one. It is he who speaks softly. The visions are only given for a time and times.
What am I to think in this? There must be others like me? Surely I am not alone in this. So I will search them out. I must use caution here. I think there may well be tricksters in the mist those who pretend to be able to see and hear. Why do they pretend? Why would anyone settle for a counterfeit when they could have the real thing? How could the depth of such a journey be conveyed through the articulation of the written word? Even the spoken word is to no avail.
How can I posses the courage that will secure me the honor and the right of passage I so long to gain? I long for that moment when I can hear the approval of the one who sent me more clearly than all the criticism and correction of those who are so seemingly short sighted. I wish Yvette could understand the impact of her words. She is so full of venom and discouragement. The death that seems to hang over her head a murdering vacuum that follows in her wake. She causes such difficulty and discord. Working with that woman is like combat she attacks the unexpecting who have no arms to bear. This always happens at their weakest moment. I am so tired of her opposition to the peace of our patients. To her they are a liability. In their faces is a threat of non-payment. She has to wait to release the patients from admission until she is sure that they won’t default. Hello is replaced with what kind of insurance do you have? She is always in eye for the welsher. One would think that it was her purse strings that were held by Trumann General. While in fact in many ways it actually is. She is assessed on her reviews under the category of non-payment and she gets chewed out when it occurs. She is blamed for the defaulter. Her words hurt me too. Perhaps this is why Yvette is so defiant and contentious? I hope that I can see clearly to love her beyond her armor. I long for her to be free from the shell of rage and anger. She is so offensive to everyone. It is as if she wants to be hated. It is as if she was made to believe that she deserve it. Will I be willing to blanket my own heart in the warmth of this great and noble purpose? Can the sacrifice that will be requested of me be accomplished? I choose to love her. I must exercise strong boundaries with her yet show her the love she so desperately needs. This adventure will be and has been one fraught with the most risk. I fear her. I have seen the spirit of violence over her. At times I think she wants to kill. I see in her a frightened wild animal rabid with wounds of some major extent. I have to fight for those with whom I will be investing my time and energy. The reactions and actions I choose will be governed by my choices as to how I will react. I have such an obligation to attempt to free them. This is my mission to free the captive by either blowing out the prison bars or turning a key in the lock. What is the key to Yvette’s’ lock? What of all the others? Where can I find the answers I need to help all these people? I am only a Hospitaler, a Chaplin a simple servant to the world at large. I don’t want to just peddle hope and courage. I want to instill it.
The pain, fear and pride get in the way of the evidence of faith and trust. The loss and desperation evoke people into deals being cut with God. Promises as if He could be bought off, the ostentation of it all makes me ill to witness. So many times I see with only my eyes and judge these desperate souls. I need to find more understanding and wisdom for this job. It is no wonder that the insolence looks like arrogance but these people are facing the greatest hardships of their lives.
Here around me and within me my battles are waged and will be hard to see and fierce. The truth can be so allusive yet I must keep in pursuit of it. Oh Theola, Oh my heart, can I really be this Elder. Am I really a healer or just a woman with good intentions? Can I hold fast to humility? When they look upon me will they see through to the heart of a friend? Will they ever see me afraid and modest?

The sunrise is shining I must get up! The showers warmth will do me good. All these contemplations fatigue my mind and pull me back toward sleep. I see the faces of all those souls that are depending on me. I have to just let them go all of them the children and parents of the Casmir family, Millie Mae, the staff and the Doctors. Their faces filled with pain and fear they long for hope. They look to me to give them courage. God you are the hope that they need. Every one and everything else will let them down. Oh God please help me to trust you and to rest. I’m so tired. The flow of desperation seems to never stop. I see one family after another facing, broken bones or broken dreams. I have stood beside so many who see me at times like I was the ghastly reaper himself. I am numb from so many visits to the hospital mortuary and so many deaths to tend to and so many dead to bury. There are funeral arrangements to be made. Weeping I wash my hair clean. This smell of coconut and pineapple takes me to the islands in my mind. I wish I could just melt into this soothing ease. It is so quiet here with the absence of the air traffic. No rumbling of the helicopter pad and its’ desperation. This year has been so hard at Trumann Kendall General Hospital. We have children drowning every other day. I try to imagine that the water was as soothing to them as they passed into the embrace of all holiness. Dear Perdita her eyes are so empty now. Once they were full of wonder and hope. Imogene just sits beside her little girl’s bed and weeps. I do not know how I could endure seeing my child in such an abyss. How can I find a way to reach Imogene her heart is so broken? My mind is racing. Please help it be still a while. I am just melting into tears flowing like water, misting like the mountain clouds as they engulf me. Weep my heart for the tears within me have been caped like ice. Frozen while I have to embrace the mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters of those I’m serving each day. Numbness now and I am still. With the water off it is now truly quiet. I am motionless in space at this moment. Hold me God. Hold me.
Cotton soft absorbs the tears and the warmth on me drying my weary body. My skin so olive I love my skin I was the girl who always had a tan a glow of a sun kissed face. The mirror is fogged but I see you Theola. I see your kindheartedness in my eyes and that’s what others perceive in me. That’s what I offer them. Present it now to me that rest in my arms patience. I need that consideration now. I am tired. I am resting in the tenderness within my eyes. I want to be pleasing today I wish that someone could see the beauty that is I. I want to inconvenience no one and be troubled by none. Gently I glide the comb through my hair, long and brown. I have always loved my long hair it is so familiar. It is a constant and never changes. Eyes so hazel reflect a refreshed moment in time. My eyes are so full of everyone’s sorrow. I don’t even find a place for my own. Heal me. Refresh me. Fill me with the joy I so long to play in. Give me time without anything pulling our pouring me out. I wish to lay down all the concerns that are so distressed and have peace without any torment. My mind prays thinking of how great the love I have for the presence of my friend my God. My thoughts are so full of amazement at all the things I have seen and how the miraculous has been the norm in my daily life. Death with the bargaining I see every day can have a rest.

Even though it is so chilly in here, this little cabin is a real sanctuary. An old cast iron potbelly stove sits center stage. It demands the attention my efforts will afford it if it is to get any warmer in here. Without having much to work with the fire is tedious and small. The kettle could use a good rinse out. So many years and lifetimes have passed since I have even seen an old pump in the sink like this. It must be well water. After a lot of effort the water ran clear and the handle on the pump loosened up a bit. It stopped rubbing metal after only a few squeaking heave hoes. The kettle warmed water for the tea. Warm orange spice tea will be nice with some of the organic blueberry muffins I brought from home. Those muffins would go well with butter but without it they will just have to do. Theola be still. Take it easy a while. This will be a wonderful morning here alone. No morning theology or pious moral reasoning with Egan today. He is always on time to attend that last moment of my desired solitude. He seems so close to knowing God but in all of our deliberations all I hear is what he knows just about him. He is unable to formulate any ideas that differ from those absolutes that we were taught in seminary. Being separated by our religions the intimacy is spoiled by defensiveness. College and the university gave us absolutes and defined reasoning’s so we could in theory respond to any given situation; the business of the Clergy has replaced personal relationship with God. It hurts so badly to be in an employ when it is so far from the foundational reasons I pursued in it. The exclusions and restrictions Egan sets for me are heart breaking. Can I continue to work under this repression by a brilliant yet misled man? He never really was in favor of a female Chaplin. I have invested so much into college and the university loans. I know I am doing the task that was set before me. I see it every day in the faces of those whose path I cross over. How can a cup of tea so delightful become so embittered? I am so overflowing with anger at the contemplation of Chaplin Egan Seraphine! He is so zealously pious. I just wish he knew God and not just generally speaking about him! I just wish he were free from the regulations of business that Medwin Bryant in administration constrains him up with. I wish he could understand how hard it is to listen without responding to the words only. I must become more able to here the hearts of those who seek out my help. How am I able to help them if I am not capable to meet their needs? I know he is not my adversary nor is the hospitals administation office, but it is so hard not to desire to put up a fight in opposition to them.
My rival is not flesh and blood. The ignorance just caused so much loss.
I think the tranquility here gives me the space to give consideration to all of this, but I just need a weekend away from it. I need to stop thinking about work.
I want to be relaxed today no impressive work clothes. I’ll dress and go down the road maybe there is an adventure today out there for me.
The air is crisp; oh the awesome clear pure air of the high country. It is so pleasant to be out of the city. I need to drive a while with an open sunroof and the heater on. As I pulled in last night the sun was just setting. There must be a beehive around here. My goodness I could honey my toast off of the windshield. I hope some farmer didn’t loose too many bees. As I rounded the curve in the road the little country store with its single gas pump was to the left. I’ll pull in here.

“Hello Mam” what can I do ya fer”? Asked the man with the careless hair.

“Good Morning, how are you?” I replied politely with reserve.

“I'm just fine and dandy”. Was his response?

“I’m grieved to see that I slaughtered some honey bees on the way in last night”. Pointing to the glass covered with the goop.

“Oh ya, that does happen up here from time to time. May I ask, are ya passin through or staying a while? Don’t mean to pry just we all look out fer each other on the mountain. My names’ Dwight Mam, Dwight Roscoe. I’m the keeper of this here general store. Would ya like me to clean those bees off there fer ya? ” He offered.

“How thoughtful of you, yes please. My name is Theola, Mrs. Theola Cole Tallu”. He was dark with the wind in his hair his skin was beautiful. He was kissed with the sun and covered with its glow. Gentle eyes held a calm demeanor. He was so pleasant to look at. He looked so wise somehow like an old friend you could trust.

After some pregnant pause Dwight said “Theola, now that is a name I could never forget. Nice to have you up here on the mountain Mam”.

Did Dwight understand that the privilege was mine? I do really hate to have to deal with dead bugs. The irony is lost to him though. He has no idea I have to deal with death every day.
“Well Mr. Roscoe I am in the Cabernoff cabin up the hill. I will be here for a few days rest.” I said nodding with appreciation for the clean windshield.

“Dwight, Mam if ya please. If there’s any thing I can help ya with just bang the steel.” I’ll come to you.

“Pardon me Dwight what does that mean bang the steel?” I asked

“Well Mam when you get yerself back to the cabin you just look round the porch you’ll be seeing just what I’m speakin' of. I can here ya from here. We use different ways up here on this hill. Ways will make sense to ya by and by. Just give a look, see and you’ll know what I mean. Well there’s for the morning honey. Up here there's a sayin' that honey on the glass means there's a sweet heart inside.” Then he tipped his head and humbly smiled.

“Thank you Dwight for your kindness and your help.”

“Pleasure is all mine, sweet Mrs. Tallu”

That man looked right into my eyes. His words and gestures were so deliberate and concentrated. Wow I think he actually saw me. I felt like he was so aware of me the within me. He had a way of making me feel like he was moved deeply by meeting me. It was so strange, I can’t get that I know you look of his out of my mind. Maybe those honey bees were another one of my sweet adventures. I’m looking forward to seeing Mr. Dwight Roscoe again. It was so fun to be treated so kindly and with such style. He made my heart race. He was so unusual.
The winding of the asphalt sparked with the dancing shadows as the beams cast shine and shade through the pine, cypress and aspen. The wind in the car was chilly and fresh. With the heater on my feet were toasty, yet my face all but shivered. I felt so awake and alive. Winding along gave a calm to my soul yet my mind was beginning to race back again. All those stressed faces and bleeding wounds being addressed in the E.R. The voices of those exhausted men and women whose’ profession, like mine, took such a great toll. The adrenalin pump of the ambulance bay doors keeps the thirty –six hour shifts at a constant started state. They have no existence beyond medicine. The penalty they pay to gain a profession in the end leaves them with huge educational loans to pay off. They hope someday perhaps to have a practice of their own. Meanwhile they earn what can amount to a minimum wage. Their young families are in stress. Often they face loss of the noble goals they originally set out for. Is it any wonder that Doctor Brie Sydney has been left with such an angry inflexible heart? She blames God for all the confusion around her complicated life. How can I make a difference to her? She sees me as her adversary. After the way that Egan treats her I don’t blame her a bit! I wish she could only comprehend the consequences of her own choices. What if she knew she really did have an opponent and that it wasn’t some human being or God? I wish she knew how very much the God who she blames really does care about her and wars on her behalf. She has said she feels so betrayed. In her search for answers she has said that religions often dump God with the blame of mans ignorance and misconceptions.

The Cloud cover is getting very dark. I don’t know this part of the country too well. I am approaching the pass. The beauty up here is so amazing. The people up here must feel like they live in the clouds. I think it would be a true pleasure to stop at the pass and get a nice lunch at the restaurant. To make sure everything is all right; I’ll call home from there and let everyone know I am O.K., and that I found the cabin just fine.
The Restaurant is closed but I can get a meal in the bar. I was unable to get through upstairs so I called down to the E.R. sure to reach them. Brie answered and was rushed and bad-tempered as usual. She said that the unit was under a significant load with two fatalities to manage. She said she would pass on the info to Egan if she saw him. Back there nothing has changed. The voices remain and weeping continues. Orders rang out behind her as the work continued while we spoke. I left her there as I said good-bye.
The view of the falls is amazing and the sound of the pounding white waters must be so deafening outside. In here it is silent I am the only customer. Being here reminds me of my very early childhood. We must have come to the mountains a lot it seems so familiar to me. I think I see a little snow. While waiting to order for some time the powder was dusting the benches and tables outside. I want some pacific Salmon today none of that farm raised stuff. I miss the salmon that I remember was once a staple to me. Nana Oona and I had Salmon together. I remember her face when she would clean the fish she was so grateful. I remember the respect that she gave to the things we had. Sometimes I feel like I lived another life.
After confirming the catch as Atlantic I ordered the meal, which was, to my budget a real extravagance. Coffee warmed me as the very development of the snow gave me a chill. I sat still as the tons of waster flowed through the screens of time filtered by the recollections of day’s gone buy. It was so silent. I had my grilled fillet and steamed mixed vegetables with the rice pilaf. Eating slowly to savor each bite I thought about the salmon run. Was it a memory or just something I read somewhere? After two more refills of hot coffee I asked the waitress for the check. It seemed an eternity to wait because she really was not on duty in the bar. I paid my bill when it came. I thanked her and tipped her well. After paying the check I pushed in my chair. I walked to the rest room and refreshed myself. Flowing freely the life leaves me. How wonderfully made we are. The water felt so wonderful on my hands short of hot. The reflection I saw was so beautiful to me. I wish I saw myself this way more often. I used to see this beauty in Malcolm’s eye sometimes. I miss his eyes. My pause in time embraced me. It feels so nice just to pause and take in this sorrow that belongs to me alone. Within me I weep as I remember what it once was to be held by him.
Then finding my way out I braced for the breeze. My light jacket was not going to be warm enough to protect me from the cold. Opening the outer door I knew I had better make quick pace back to my car. I bundled up a little and returned to my bright red rental car. When I reached it I unlocked it in a hurry and tumbled in. After starting the engine I turned the heater on full blast. Laughing at my self I rubbed my hands together. Now this is different. I think that the drive to the falls was a good thing but with the elevation so high I think going back now would remove me from facing some weather hazards. Perhaps I better head back closer to the cabin. The road is a beautiful challenge with the dust of white showing the paths left by those cars ahead of me. This is very rugged country. This ferocious country is so like I feel inside full of the desire to be dangerous and courageous. I wish sometimes I had someone to share an adventure with.
There will never be anyone like that again. Not ever. I had it once. I am rich. My Malcolm has been gone now for some time. He was so giving, so free, and spur-of-the-moment. I used to get so frustrated with him for that at times. Now oh how I miss him. He was and is the love of my life. Oh, the way he pursued me. I remember the first time I saw him looking at me. He had such a wonderful look of satisfaction on his face. He just stood there looking at me. I felt a rush of blush cover my face. He just stood there looking. When I asked him what he was doing he just said I am looking at you. The way I felt when my reflection was in his eyes. I had never felt so beautiful. He touched me so gently so tenderly I could stop the world and live only in that moment. When we were together I had him to call if I was away. He would warm me with his dry humor. His excitement would match mine whenever I shared an experience I was having with him. I knew if I was late he was praying for me and he would wrap his arms around me. If he was angry his temper would melt away when he held me. When we loved his embrace would cover me in his warmth. Touching my face he would look into my eyes. He was so gifted my Malcolm. My dear friend, I miss you. We would pray together as we stood in our little kitchen. He would tell me to take a stand for what I believe in. He would remind me to take courage and do what was right no matter whom or what obstacle got in my way. Malcolm was a good provider for us too. I could risk more easily knowing that our needs would be met by his income. He would have given me the moon if only it was attainable. If my heart had a desire he would do everything he could to attain it for me. He lived to bring me pleasure and happiness. His support toward my goals left me more accomplished. I could give to him and his gratitude was genuine. I never knew that a life like that was possible. I have been a widow now so long but I can never forget Malcolm. Those mornings shared were the best of my life. Coffee for two is just as easy to make as for me alone. He loved my wild side he called me free spirited. I would stop and give a bottle of water to homeless man. He would tell the man that truth offers the freedom they try to find. Would any one ever really want to live with a woman like me? I love to fight for a good cause. I like a good respite, but the ecstasy of affecting lives… of making a real difference pounds in my chest as if I am fully alive. I want to be fully thriving. I want to see risk pay off. I long to see brilliance, as seen; in the eyes of someone who just saw for the very first time how greatly they really mattered in the world. Like when a patient sees, that God is not punishing them with affliction or infirmity. That sometimes there is no one to point the finger at. I really don’t think that there could ever be another man like Malcolm. So even if someone had the faith in me to take me on as a partner I really don’t think that I could ever expect to experience that again. I am grateful for the chance I had to have him. I wish you were still here Malcolm I miss your loving way.

The hours passed quickly as my mind so full of thought let go of time and just drifted into the memories I treasured.


I’m getting famished. I guess I get to pay a visit to Dwight again. The weather improved as I curved down the road. The elevation diminished, as did the snow and the bitter cold, as I arrived in the little community of Red Hollow. The dust floated up as I pulled into the parking lot of the little store. Those clouds are following swiftly. Let’s see what this store has to offer me. Wow this is so out of the ordinary. I see only one brand name of each item. That’s sort of fun. I guess that shows Dwight’s favorite. For I’m sure he must get all his provisions from here. It is four hours farther down the mountain to the town of Greenville with little in between. I found a can of chicken, some rice. Is there any fresh produce I wonder?
“Hello Mrs. Sweet Tallu…. Did ya enjoy your drive? No more bees I hope”
“Hello Dwight, no more bees. I guess I’m sweet enough.” I Replied.
Do you have firewood Mam? I sell small bundles of firewood if not”

“I had very little this morning and used it up. I haven’t been back to the cabin yet today and I am sure it has a cold chill inside. It was dark when I came in last night. So I don’t know if they left any outside for me. I better get a bundle just to make sure.”

Then Dwight asked me “Mrs. Tallu do you know who I am”.

Well you’re Mr. Dwight Roscoe the kindest general store keep I have ever had the chance to meet.

“Thank ya kindly Mam. Mam, please call me Dwight”

“I wanted to say well now Dwight that hardly seems mannerly of me unless you call me Theola, but I just didn’t feel safe with doing that. I have lost that capability to be so informal. In the city that is just not the way it’s done. I am so accustomed to having very strong boundaries. It may be better said, fortifications. Who would think to be at ease with an unfamiliar person, especially a Man, being so forward, but up here in the mountains it all seams so inoffensive and so at harmless and kindly? I am not so threatened by Dwight. Perhaps in another time and place I might have been able to relax more in my exchanges with a stranger.
“Dwight” I said I’m not accustom to such forwardness no offense, but we have just met.

“Well now Mam don’t that just beet all” He said.

“How’s that?” I said.

“You don’t remember me do you? I’ll let you think on it tonight and if you don’t have it figured out on the ‘marrow’ just hit the steel and I’ll come up the trail and tell ya. But we have met before“. Dwight insisted.

“Is that so Mr. Roscoe?”

“Indeed, Mrs. Sweet Tallu” Dear Lady, no offense taken. Now let’s get you rung up.

Fearful I might have been too harsh, “Dwight I asked, and do you have any fresh greens or vegetables I might enjoy with my rice and chicken?”

“Yes I do Mam. I have some leeks and a few carrots left. Would you be wantin' some of each? “He asked.

“Yes please.” I replied respectfully

“Well I'll include them in you tally then. That will be twelve dollars and thirty-three cents with the wood.” He said.

Handing him a twenty, I inquired, “Where do I find them, the vegetables, that is”?

“I’ll be getting them for you from the earth.” He replied

I put my change into my handbag, “Thank you.” I said to him as I smiled. From the earth, now that is fresh!

“They still be in the ground just take me a minute of two to pull them up and shake the sand out of the leeks. Have you used leeks before now?” Dwight asked as he handed them to me.

“Yes, I have always enjoyed there; mild onion flavor. They are wonderful in a stir fry dish I make with beef and broccoli.”

“Then you know to slice them open and rinse them well before the cross cutting. Onions have layers ya know and leeks have sandy ones.” instructing me as to how to cut on the horizontal.

“Do they grow well up here do they? “ I asked him as I looked at his hands and saw the labor they revealed.

“Oh some say I can grow most anything. It’s all in the knowin' how, I say. Some men are smart in business matters. They ware suits and have soft hands. I know the earth and the ways of it, where they find it a foreign thing to study. It seems to bore them somehow. I could never fathom that though. The earth holds so many mysteries. I see more than most do on any given day. I think they miss out on the real wisdom. Like the simplicity of a sunrise and the effect of a strong breeze.”

“Mr. Roscoe I think you have made a powerful point sir. When I was a girl I loved to walk in the forest, my folks just stopped going out into the woods. I always wondered why they just kept to the city. Keeping a lawn is not like growing the food you eat. It is more eye candy than real sustenance. I always love to pick the foods and then eat them. This is a real privilege to visit a garden.
Your garden is so beautiful! Oh Mr. Roscoe these boarder stones are so amazing where did they come from? What is this plant here with the purple berries? “I questioned

“The stones are a part of my past; they are from the places I have walked too. I bring home a stone from each hike. Many hold the very memory of the lesson I learned during that days hike. Well that small tree is a favorite of mine Mam it is a Mountain Laurel some call it sweet bay. Pick a couple of tender leaves and toss it into your rice for a treat. Just pull out the leaves and toss them to the trash before you eat it though. A little goes a long way. The seasoning is great for chicken dishes and some European recopies. You know they are a great way to keep the bugs out of your kitchen pantry too. Toss what’s left of the bunch you don’t use to cook with under the sink and in the cupboard. The Cabernoff family will thank ya fer it. It is said that the ancient Greeks and Romans crowned victors with wreaths of laurel to honor them. It’s an evergreen, a pretty hardy one too. I just have to cover him over when the deep winter freeze comes though. You want to try your hand at pullin' your own carrots?” this amazing gardener asked me?

Is it hard to do, I thought? But felt too foolish to actually ask him. “Sure I would like that very much.” said this city gal hesitantly.

“Get a good hold on the leaf bunch at its base and then just pull straight up. Shake it off a little. Pull as many as you would like for your supper and perhaps a snack” His generosity extended was spoken with joy.

Ding! Ding! “That’s the gasoline pump Mam; help yourself to the carrots while I tend to my customer at the gas pump, if you don’t mind please. As he walked away he said “what ever you can use for your supper feel free to pick. I have an open garden here. I love to share it, and don’t mind a bit, excuse me” he said and off he went.

After a moment or two, I noticed it was becoming colder quickly looking up I saw pewter covers above wanting to chase me along the path amid the flower balls of lavender/white garlic heads with the strong aromas of an Italian bistro. Reaching down I cupped the ball and smelled the healing herbs intensity. The carrots came up all too easy. It was a good thing that they did my back gives me grief if I over extend it. The carrots looked softly hairy with the root threads stretching into silken strands. I stand dazed in this little mountaintop paradise. I like it just fine it is windy and cloudy. I love the quiet here I can identify at least five or six different birds. A songbird, a crow in the distance a thrasher is digging for grub by the carrot patch. He has two hummingbirds fighting over the feeders’ sweet nectar. They are competing for a quick energy drink to warm them against the coming cold. There is so much life in this one small paradise. This man must till in a lot of sand into the rich black soil. The paths are kept so groomed. A chill is coming over the ridge top for supper. I had better get back to the cabin and start my evening fire. Although I hate to run off I think not saying farewell would be fine given the coming storm. My car is still close up near the front door of the store. I’ll be able to fetch my supplies if I hurry before this rain cuts loose.

Dwight is still filling the tank of the car at the pump. That customer is in all probability just passing through. I have noticed it to be true that few stop or slow down. I remember Dwight saying that to me and I do see the case to be so. The man inside his fine car appears to be in a nice suit talking on a cell phone. I heard him bark out the orders to Mr. Roscoe then close his window against the chill. Not a Hello or a please did he offer. He sat warm and fancy allowing another to meet all his needs while he stayed in his shelter. Funny how it reminded me of an isolation booth I once saw in college. I wondered about his lack of good judgment. Will his life ever be affected by the results of any thoughtful deeds repaid in kind? Or will he only go though life expecting and demanding his way with no thought to any one else along his path. I saw Dwight pulling up his collar as he stood there shoulders shrugged against the cold. How kind this man has been to me. I am a stranger. Yet I suspect him and respond very cautiously with him. Just because of my gender I am expected to be afraid, how the state of evil has taken away the gentleness of a woman and replaced it with the necessary defensiveness of self-preservation.

I ran into the store and upon seeing my groceries with the firewood still on the counter I scooped them up. The wood was a little heavier than I had anticipated. I almost dropped the bundle. I slowed down and then put each item into the bag and got a better hold on the whole thing. It was a little too heavy for me against my better judgment I strained a bit as I lifted it. As I pushed on the screen door it opened as I cleared it the door slapped hard behind me. The bell above it gave me my send-off. The jingle of it was so pleasant, smiling I thought that this was so much fun. Bracing myself as the cold air and massive drops of rain stung my face, I ran for the car. Why I locked it seemed a mystery to me now. At this moment in time I felt the reality of two distinctive worlds. I liked this one so much better. This world called to me and I wished never to leave it. Getting my sense of balance, just so, I perched the wood on my raised knee and thigh. I used my key bob to unlock the trunk. Then lifting it up, plopped in the logs and set down the bag. The smell of the earth on those vegetables and herbs intoxicated me. Getting into the wet driver seat I was mortified to see the open sunroof. Hurriedly I started the engine and pushed the button to close it. I’m so cold it hurts! This is too invigorating, yet in some strange way it seems this is for my own good. The driver seat is so drenched how am I going to deal with that I wondered? Perhaps I can use a towel from the cabin on it. I tapped the horn lightly and Dwight gave a nod. I mouthed a thank you to him and smiled. What an uncommon man. If I met or have known him it is beyond me. Yet he is so sure of it though. I think that it must have been a nice meeting if so he shows no ill will or offense. Ha! That’s nice.