Family Reactive Attachment Dance

Yesterday I was working on a better understanding of working with the issues of Reactive Attachment Disorder in our little family with special needs.
;This morning Dash and I went to walk around the block in the rain. We had a little pained issue yesterday of a parent rejecting Dove and only accepting Dash as a playmate for her son. Now Dove had done nothing evil or wrong. She and the kids play "momma...and baby dash and baby 'b'." Well the grandma instead of speaking with me told the boy of the issue she had that Dove was hugging him too much. Now Dove truly is innocent of ANY misconduct. It is simply the appearance of a 13 yr old acting like a 6-8 yr old. That's my girl and the grandma knows that she is special needs. I will make efforts to speak with her today.


Made me think to look over the RAD issues for the kids. I did a post over here at A Life Restored blog on the RAD issues in adulthood. Living with this in my own self has been a devastating issue for me when it comes to feeling safe in this world.

safety

sense of self

affiliation

mission

competency

These steps to self esteem are as vital in the human development as breathing. It is living verses existing. RAD leaves the unattached or under attached human broken. Unable to live life to their full potential. Having looked at this issue for all of my little family every individual shows evidence of a bit of RAD is in each of our lives. This leaves me to ponder how many many of us have attachment wounds from our childhoods. If then we fail to acknowledge the effects that we have within the core family unit we might find ourselves blaming, getting angry and frustrated with each other. "whats his problem?" when the problem is the dance between us. The reactions we are having toward each other stymies the proper or effective response.


This morning it was amazing the difference that a bit more understanding gave to me. When my kids are say...chattering nonsensically it can get on my nerves sometime. The old norm was to feel bad for the kid thinking that I need to muster some greater patience. Then after worn by it I would become agitated and annoyed resulting in a shorter temper and stress. When the thing that works best is to just openly verbally acknowledge to him that the insecurity is causing his behavior. Then to help him feel more secure and stop the chatter by calling it what it is and giving them insight. Comforting the sense of a loss of or fear of a loss  of attachment.


Today I spent 2 hours walking in the rain and giving him all the supportive loving attention I could muster. Sitting on the bench in the rain wrapped up in blankets he regressed and was a little boy comforted in his mothers arms caressed within my smiles.


When we came home the chatter chatter chatter began and I could feel the stress mounting as I put the ridiculous expectations of supper human patience upon myself. It finally dawned on me well...I turned to reason. Understanding is the beginning of knowledge. So I gave Dash understanding.

"are you feeling insecure" I asked him.

"yes".  He replied. "

"I can tell because your chattering. I want you to know that we will work through the issues son. Right now I can feel stress building and I need to ask you to let me have some time to my own thoughts and stop chattering.

Your safe I love you."

He stopped chattering, and after a few minutes got into a scuffle with Dove. The insecurity was then turned into inappropriate anger at his sister. We spoke about how each of them feel and identified the root of the hard feelings. Kids need open conversation.


Now if both kids were real strong in the INTENSE ANGER/loss I would not have it so easy.  My husband tends to be this way though and it has been very hard to understand. My low esteem over esteeming him has lead me to the crazies at times. Understanding however reveled that we are just really polar in our attachment responses. Now I think to varying degrees most folks experience these things. Some who have had adoption, or abandonment issues are more so. 

I think that in many ways that this is the

generational stuff 

 or at least a part of it that the scriptures speak of. 

It is also of course made more intense by the traumas of youth/life.

Adoptions and or abuse just intensify it.

Perhaps you might find it interesting the interplay of cause and effect. It is pulled up and forced out as the folks interact. An intense anger/ loss person can easily make a anxious/ambivalent person knee jerk. Plays both ways. This is why it is so important to pull that old log out of our own eye if we are trying to pull splinters out of an others eye. Vision is clearer when understanding begins knowledge and wisdom soon prevails.

Intense anger and loss now all of this is to varying degrees and circumstances it is generational.
Dad, me  =Critical of others
Dash  =Sensitive to blame
Dad (much improved over the years)  =Lack of empathy
Dad,Me =Views others as untrustworthy
Dad, Me =Views others as undependable
Dad, me Dove and Dash =Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Dad, me, kids ?   =Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control,not worth the effort, or both
Dad,Dash, Me, Dove  =Compulsive self-reliance
Dad, Me,  Dove  =Passive withdrawal
Dad   =Low levels of perceived support small
Work alone part, both Dad and I = often preferring to work alone
Dad,Me  =Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
Dad and me, kids ?=Fear of closeness in relationships
Dad, Dove =Avoidance of intimacy
Dad  =Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
Dad, Dash =Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical)

ANXIOUS/AMBIVALENT

Me, Dash, Dove  =Compulsive Care giving
Me =Feel over involved and under appreciated
Me, Dove =Rapid relationship breakups
Me, Dove   =Idealizing of others
Me, Dove  =Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Me, Dash   =Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections
Me, Dove   =Over invests his/her emotions in a relationship
Me   =Perceives relationships as imbalanced
Me, Dove  =Relationship is idealized
Me, Dove   =Preoccupation with relationship
Me, Dove  =Dependence on relationship
Me, Dove  =Heavy reliance on partner
Me   =Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Me   =Perceives others as difficult to understand
Me, Dove, Dash   =Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security
Me, Dad   =Unlikely to view others as altruistic(Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.)

Me, Dove   =Sensitive to rejection
Me, Dove   =Discomfort with anger
Me at one time, DOVE big time, Dash   =Extreme emotions
nope was long ago though=Jealous
Me   =Possessive
Me once long ago   =Views self as unlovable
Me   =Suicide attempts
Me   =Mood swings
Me, Dove   =Tendency toward analytic depression (dependent depression)

  All of these things have greatly improved many have now vanished over many many years of working the process through recovery. So free from so much over the years hard won. We can go and change RAD is not an unrecoverable condition. It is a place to start healing from the wounds of life.

Hope you find this helpful in your own lives as I have in my role here as Mother of two special needs kids. A mother who herself has her own special needs.

Thankful Thursday

 There are several things that have been on our list of  "one day..."

One day came to hand today.

After a long year and a half of wishing , waiting for a garden sink one showed up on a search performed on Creigs list for an extra hose.

We arrived with excitement to be welcomed at the door step of a home with a little wheelchair ramp.

Opening the door was Eric.

Eric's 4 year old son Darrick was eating a sandwich in his tiny wheelchair.

Eric and his family are being transferred to Texas leaving this Saturday to get her set up in her new job. He and the child will return in a week to finish packing up the house that the movers will charge by the pound to move.

I was taken to the back yard and told to help myself to any thing that might be of benefit to us.

 

 He also a gardener had the heart of one. His garden still in the late days of summer bore a few fruits and massive sunflowers set to seed for the birds.

this is the sink I went to fetch for $50.

It was also to be including the extra hoses.

The base of sink is to the right those are the hoses to the left.

Now look at the quality of those hoses.

My kids lovingly played with Derrick for they have been raised around special needs kids and taught to be at ease with wheel chairs. As Dash sat on the floor with this child and played we were shown this mans wonderful aquariums and the many beautiful fish stands. Shown empathy at his relocation he was of semi good spirits. We all enjoyed each other. He a wood worker and I a former student of woodworking found great joy in the beauty of the kitchen items he so humbly showed me that he had made for his wife. We were speaking of his turtles that he had given or sold within the days surrounding this shift in residency. He added he had one other and showed us the little aquarium.We spoke of other things he might be selling. When he showed us the turtle and there was a deep freezer in the room. He then opened it.

"could you make use of a large pork shoulder" he asked. 

"I got them on special, to make tamolies out of."

I am waiting with supplies in pantry to take a day to learn how to make tamolies to freeze, no joke!


"Oh what about a turkey? Could you make use of it" he asked

Now remember my freezer was running low.

I just inventoried it Monday and was using up the last of the meat.

:)

I had grabbed $60. cash for I only had 20.'s, on the way I remembered I had a $10. in my wallet so I placed the $10. in my pocket too. I asked him if I could share the extra $20 with him for he had been so very generous. 

He teared back with appreciation.

As readers you are so often a 'fly on the wall' as it were.

so get this...

"Lord I really am bummed my tomatoes did so poorly" say I.

"wish I had some..."

"I sure miss my basil" thought I just the day before yesterday when I was at a store selling small plants.

Wow how cool it was last week when I found a few onions left in the garden...

"while digging them up " I wish I had more of these"

Two weeks ago "Mom I wish I could have a gold fish", well I told Dash when we can we will look into getting on for you. I think your ready I told him. "we don't have a bowl for it". Thinking thrift store soon to get on. Must remember.

Eric gave Dash the bowl with gravel, gold fish, NEW can of food and the net.

"pull and harvest anything left in the beds" he said. Come back with an empty truck and you can have all the soil (nice soil) in the raised beds. That have been dried for a week now. Nice easy loads.

As I was coiling this hose that sits in this blazing sun this week I thought. 

"I could sure use a real"...

"BBQ would be so much easier Lord if I had a little table"

One day at the folks I was in a back room and saw a table just like this and thought what a cool table. 

It is collapsible. Just needs to be washed off.

Last fall...

(my old small screen)

While in use " Lord this has holes that are too small for first screen."

"gotta get Steve to make me a new one Lord, I suggested"

Eric said my beds were 3 foot in width..."oh mine too say I"

Last night we had an amazing 2 inches of rain within a 20 minute storm.

Look at the water tank!

Now I have to get the garden prepared for the seeding within a 2-4 week time frame.

Tomorrow I go back to be given all of the soil out of his raised beds.

Kids this is soil he got when working at the Home Depot every torn bag was given him free.

This is good like way good soil.

The sink better than anything I have seen.

It recoils that beautiful hose with nozel with the water presure.

Hook

Last week I was told about giving the chickens a bowl of water to dip there feet in during the heat.

I had never heard such thing but found an old plant bottom just yesterday that was a bit iffy at best.

Today the girls even have a nice metal wading pool.

School begins in a week and with the kids getting older the idea of mom right there at the bus stop is well humbling for them. Now as I had imagined and only thought in my wildest dreams...well I thought the other day to ask God for one.

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. Malacki 3:10

The dogs are happily cool inside now

We are training them to use the new dogie door.

Steve won a $25 gift card at work a while ago.

We were able to get a door.

It fits along side the glass Arcadia door. The dogs are now using it.
My Lab peed one time and was out in an instant. Has not done it again. Of course it was on my clothe around the cutting table. I guess I should be flattered...I am his you know.


I love being friends with he who owns the universe and makes every comfort so sweetly abundant.
My children were really so moved by little Derrick. They Played with him. Dash told us on the way home...

"mom, I told Derrick that don't let anyone tell you that you are any different than them. You just use a chair to get around that's all" Oh I love my boy.

Thank God for dirty dishes

Thank God for dirty dishes

They have a tale to tell.

While others may go hungry

We're eating very well.

For by the stock of evidence

I shouldn't want to fuss

with home and health and happiness

God's been good to us.

I was able to finish them. Oh this energy is so amazing

Feel like a young bride again.

I had to go to the oral surgeon yesterday because the implant on my jay (done last April) began to pain me terrible.

No infection thank God

It is inflamed so I was put on a run of steroids.

Bone implants can take 2 years to fully heal.

It got bruised apparently by biting on something hard or wrong.

I am just a steam rollin' dynamo!

"And the crowds cheered"

...Because they did not have to do them

:)

Cutting down a turkey to make ground meat (amended)

Before you an $11. turkey.
Purchased at Easter

Watch as we make a feast for a family of four that has at least 18 meals represented. 

That is 18x4=72 meals plus left overs. All for $11 of meat.

Begin with the prep of all the supplies that will be needed at hand. This is very important for the meat must be prepared very quickly to maintain the chill needed for safe handling. The small sauce pan is for the gizzard and heart that will go to a boil to make the home style gravy later. Place paper toweling under the cutting board and have extra to keep the juices contained. As much as I try to avoid paper products this is an exception. Do NOT use your cloth towels, news paper or paper bags if you must.

Here you see the breast cut off, The leg and wing drum sticks set aside. Return to chill while working the carcass for the meat scraps to make ground turkey.

Once the carcass is cleared of all meat that is scraped as well as cut from the bones, set it aside.

All the other meat get to chilling it promptly

Set the bones and the wing tips on to boil. I only use reverse osmosis water to cook with. It is found that the tap water can really contain things (even in small parts per billion) that I do not want my family to ingest.

grind the scraps down after removing any extra skin. A tip here as much as we like very lean meats it is a must to have a very little amount of the fats/skin added in the grind to hold it together and to give it a binding agent of sorts. This will be made into a meat ball recipe, and a half of it will be pre-cooked and then all refrozen for another day.

Now with the turkey breast de-skinned they are carved into tenders. This a good summer time cut. No oven needed. The thigh is added to the boiling pot for adding back a little of the dark meat will give it a deeper savory flavor.

Tenders to freezer par-freeze. Keep them apart from each other then you can use the plastic by cutting them apart wrap the piece of meat as you cut it apart and then all goes into a freezer bag. Remove as much air as possible. That is all the by-product left it is to be tossed. I should of bagged it first but neglected to do so.

Clean all work surfaces thoroughly use care here this is where cross contamination and e-coli can occur if not careful. There is the pot with the stock cooking down. Once done a good 2-3 boiled hours it is cooled. skimmed removed from the stew pot. Meanwhile cut down the celery/carrot/onion when the pot is emptied of the stock and the bones cleaned of scrap use a gee or rue (butter with the milk whey removed) heat it well and saute the veggies well. Add a bit of flour and thicken add broth. The beginning of your soup. Go from there with your own creativity.

In oven the drum sticks, corn bread and the baked golden Yukon yellow potato. Oh those are so good even cold for a snack. They are naturally buttery. I just love them as my carb mid day.

Now make sure that the turkey is cooked to 170*F

The left over broth in the pan...cool it then de-fat it this is the concentrated base for the gravy.

Now the gravy use the finely diced gizzard and heart in the gravy I think there is another post under cooking in my lists that show the method.

Remove the bones to cool
start gravy and the broth is strained into a bowl
It is added to the gravy as it cooks and thickens
This becomes extremely concentrated in flavor boy howdy this is livin'

Rue to empty stock pot and then when hot add root veggies.
I also fine grated the last of the parsnips from the garden
Parsnips now that's the flavor of the homemade soup, use it in any poultry based soup.

Finely and I mean VERY finely dice the heart gizzard and liver (I got cheated a liver in this bird)
Now I know that just sounds nasty but this is the flavor of the gravy

Remove the meat off bone dice to medium size and toss into the stock after the the flour is added as a thickening agent, add stock to thick veggie/flour mix (all in the pot)
I added three organic carrots at a large slice for texture boiled it another 5 minutes on a high rolling boil.

Powered down by 1:10 yee haw!

Enjoy!

Wow that was the first long post in some time. It is so good to be getting back to my old self again.


The break down...

4 family meals of tenders (16 meal portions)
4 family meals of ground turkey (16 meal portions)
Meal for 4 of drum sticks (4 meal portions)
soup stock for several meals (example rice boiled in it yum)
Gravy
Large pot of soup (20 meal portions at least!)

Lots of left overs too

.15 cents a meal

all for $11 and a two hour labor of love.
Now find me a job that pays those kind of hours, free childcare too.

Find me a dishwasher too, that would be cool
:)

Tackle it Tuesday household inventory

pencil is erased and the main list is not needed to be rewritten.

before and after....

Everything is inventoried on the sheets in my homemakers inventory manuel every freezer, pantry, supply closet and laundry cupboard. The garage things such as motor oil as well.

By using this method the budget is guarded from the expiration dates costing spoiled goods.

The door is insulated with ice blocks all above.

Cold sinks, heat rises. So the lower door has food goods.

Everything in upper door is ice. By using the old jugs, ice cream containers and such we both reuse and recycle. The old ice cream container make great ice blocks.

All the chill packs for my knees will be easily located for the kids.

Over the next several weeks I have an infusion on the 8th then knee injections for both knees every Thursday there after for 3 weeks.

The medication supply is also inventoried.

We purchase on clearance the items that are a common, looking always for new packaging.

This is done every so often.

First they send coupons, then they down size with coupons. Once they hook us they then increase the price. For what a "good deal" they leave us to think.

So when an item you commonly purchase sends out that first round toward the new packaging look for the former packaging to show up on clearance.

Great for tooth brushes too.

Meal Plan Monday

 There is a turkey and a roast left in the deep freeze.

 

The turkey will be thawed and then carved raw into a breast or two to bake.

Scrap to grind into turkey burger then the carcass to soup. Perhaps a potato base.

There are several of the potato the golden Yucatan, oh man they are so good.

With a large bag of blue berries in the freezer there will be protein smoothies, berry pancakes too.

A meal of deep water ocean fish will be mid week.

Salad of Romain, cucumber, celery, carrot, bell peppers of three colors, onion.

Herbs to abound over it all.

click image to enlarge

This is the second to the last week of the children home so it is the end of the freezer and pantry for the summer. Like the mountain women of old, we store up before the heat comes and run low at the beginning of fall just sorta flip side of the frozen tundra HA!. The clearing of the deep freeze marks the beginning of a new school year. Inventory removes any old foods ignored and forces them to be used up so the new can be welcomed in come the fall. With temp over 115* some days it is safest to live this way. Perishables are well...perishable and there is nothing worse than food poisoning from the heat that builds up in a car. Our cars can reach an easy 160* inside. Ice chest help.

The children have not to be bothered with shopping nor do I for that matter in the middle of the heat. 

Steve will stop here and there during the weeks and grab few perishables. Or in the evening I'll shop a little for fresh produce. Once in a while they come just to keep the skills up. We pick advertising apart with abundant humor.

 So here are a couple of ideas to conserve and reduce.

With the left over ground beef a nice rice dish was made.

It is settling  in to me that we really do not need to use as much meat.

By reducing the 1 pound to 3/4 pound in recipes and adding the rice up and the veggies up to the full measure the meals are just as good. 

Our little family really dislikes the 'Heal' of a loaf of bread.

This is a use for it we often find for salad there is non better.

Simply butter with softened butter and layer a good shower of garlic salt and Italian seasoning.

Cube with a heavy knife then crisp toast or as I did use the heat left in oven after a cake is baked.

Use up any thing even heat that is left in the oven.

Just think ahead a bit.

The garden is beginning the fall awakening.

Dug up several small onions while soaking the soil in preparation for the planting of the early beans.

That is the sad ol' tired and hot sweet potato plant, poor thing.

This desert heat plays hard on the garden and the gardener alike.

After the soak soil turned and the straw blanket it will rest another week or two.

The pre-emergent is in for the lentil family.

It is just too

HOT