Tuesday, December 31, 2013

We have shut down the garden and the chicken coop

Today was a huge milestone for me. We let go of our chickens and our bunnies. Tomorrow folks from a rescue are going to receive all my cages and hen house. I will be dismantling my gardens and passing on the goods to others.
I have accepted that gardening and hens and rabbits in the yard are now a season that must pass. I have peace about it. I cried a bit but the most amazing thing occurred
The man and his son who came to get the hens and the rabbits were wonderful folks. We all even prayed together at the end of the thing. He prayed for my health and for our family.
I loved my garden and now pass along all the gain of the hard work I once put into it all. The fellow even thanked me for all the hard work I had done.
It was beautiful
Tomorrow afternoon the other folks come to clear out a many good things.
I think I will try to sell my fence panels and a few other things.
I have peace knowing the animals are fed and watered and in no way neglected. It has been a real burden and a bit of condemnation knowing that they deserved better than I could do for them.
My children even have a peace that has rid them of the anger and sorrow of letting the critters go.

I accept that the seasons of my life have changed. I in no way give up or give in to illness. I give over to the abilities I have and choose not to overwhelm myself any further.

It is really pretty cool.
What a weight off knowing that all those tasks are no longer weighing upon my limited energies. More of me to do other things more restfully.

It was a terribly hard night for me last night. To tell ya true I feel a bit lost letting go of my garden and hens bunnies and all. It was as if I was disappearing and I was gone sorta. Like where am I now?
I got up in the night and my sweet husband insisted on hearing me out so I could process. We base our sense of self in what we do or are known for. I feel absent now. Me no longer the gardener the woman who all the kids loved to come and feed the hens gather an egg or pet the bunnies.
I gave my prized gardening veggie notebook away that contained so many years research and study at gardening at 1200 ft above sea level.
The Bee Bliss garden is no more.
The mornings no longer ring with hens begging fodder
Now the bark the rabbits tore off the trees reminds me only of dieing trees

I have said a million times to others...nature arbores a vacuum

I spoke of a hole in my heart. A vacant place. My children spent the day with my ivig nurse playing with her children. I went and had a mani pedi wore my mask and sunglasses and cried during the pedi. Spoke very little did not want to speak of it all
I awoke to my nurse and telling her of the transition and she is so startled it is all gone.

My daughter is staying the night with her, my son is home we had to get his stitch removed. I stayed home alone. I watched a movie about a healer and how she spent her life giving life to others.

I remember that God once told me He has a purpose for me.
I hope that propose fills this hole. knowing Him It will.
Just no fun walking around with this gaping hole in my sense of self. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Thrive for this is life.

I have found a wonderful support network. It is called Daily Strength. They have an easy hundred different topic groups. I am meeting a few who also have this rare CVID.

Life within our sweet walls is good. The children are happy and healthy. They are doing very well in school.
It is hard to write here, this reminds me of who and how I once lived with such vibrancy. I am working on accepting life on its terms. It is a good life even if it is so very different. Grieving the change has come closer to acceptance. My garden looks like a deserted wild west town, as does all of the flower gardens.
I have two spinal procedures within the next few weeks and perhaps I will be able to toss a few seeds and tend them. We are eating together at the table so this a huge accomplishment. Dove is helping me wanting to learn. She came to me, a 16 year old now, asking me "mom can I do the dishes?I want to learn how to be a good wife." Wow am I blessed or what!

Dash is good he is choosing good character not an easy thing in this world. Steve and I are happy and doing our best to lean into being our best. We still have all ten hens, three bunnies and two dogs. Oh and a gold fish. Many lives here.

I hope the lives of you who read this thrive.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Invisible Illness Week (Sept 10-16) : 30 Things Meme

30things Our 30 Things Meme

 | September 17, 2012
1. The illness I live with is: Common Veritable Immune globbulin Deficiency with low IGa the defense in our saliva, a Primary Immune Illness, Fibromyalgia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Joint and Spinal Degenerative Arthritis, pulmonary issues.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2010 two weeks after my sister died of it.  With the CVID three years ago after several miss diagnosis left me totally demined and humiliated. The Later stages of CVID untreated acted like MS., seizure and several bazaar systems
3. But I had symptoms since: All of my life, infections and strange illness plagued me.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Is having to mask in public, IVIG every four weeks of eight hour infusions of plasma. Slowing way down at my duties of homemaker and mother. Staying away from large gatherings of people, like church or gatherings.
5. Most people assume: Once infused I am immune to getting ill for four weeks. That is not always the case stress or fatigue can make me very vulnerable to airborne illness not having natural immune defenses.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Removing the CPAP and breathing on my own getting past the eye opening pain and standing walking stiff.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I think I tire of medical watching it on tv is just sad.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Under the cabinet jar opener.
9. The hardest part about nights are: Pain. Laying down increases it and taking the muscle relaxer and tramadol is disliked. I wish my day would have been more productive. Keeping a good attitude for a new day is tough. Meditation nightly really helps.
10. Each day I take 1 pills/vitamins. I do not take all of them each day, I just cant. So I do the most important ones.  vitamin powder b stress tabs and the ones I can stomach. When on the antibiotics and steroids they are taken and the supplements are reduced.
11. Regarding alternative treatments. I study and supply myself with needed items. I am eating for my blood type and doing a cortisol connection protocol to help the effects of the PTSD. I do get very discouraged when I get sick. 
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: The port in my chest often reminds others that I really am sick. I helps me to remember all those donors of plasma that help keep me alive. My sister died in the indignity of invisibility. I live. The mask I must use makes me very visiable and is a hard thing to do. Some times I think that it is nice to blend in. I go with out the mask at great risk. Last time it left me sick now for almost two weeks. Physical invisibility is different from emotional invisibility it is the harder to have all these feelings all alone.

13. Regarding working and career: Dreams are less actualized but still fun to imagine.
14. People would be surprised to know: How sad I am for my caregivers.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Future and the end that may come me.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Go out in public when the infusion is going on. My wonderful nurse and I go get mani pedi, or shop. People stare at me. 
17. The commercials about my illness: Except for the copd or the arthritis nothing is on. It is a rare thing. Dont see to many commercials about donating plasma.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Gardening and growing flowers. Working with my body.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Gatherings
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Keeping the infusion kit organized, watching a lot of HULU and netflix.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: walk for miles in a cool misty rain.
22. My illness has taught me: That to some my life is only valuable in order to finish raising my kids. To me my life is valuable to me to live it for the life that I deserve to live. 
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "mom do you have to ware a mask?"
24. But I love it when people: Forget that I am sick.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Psalm 91 God loves me because I love Him.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Study and go to the Primary Immune Difficantcy Support group. Keep trying to reach out even when it is hard.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: My nurse is here for me every month. She stopped all other patients and part time patients but me.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Bring me a home cooked meal. Made my chores easier. Kissed me on the forehead, and told me He was here for me. 
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I am trying my best to get out of this dark lonely cave I have been held up in.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: scared 

Friday, September 6, 2013

LADEE Heads for the Moon


Ya! A three year project that My Mister has been working with hundreds of other good folk has successfully launched! We had the kids watch. It was so good to show them science in action. My husbands company along with NASA has set new laser that might one day communicate inter planetary. Fascinating stuff well it is on its way to the moon.

Good Job all of you on a successful mission. In a few days time the orbit will come so close to the surface of the moon that it could be like looking up at a plane in the sky.

The cooperation of so many many highly skilled people is an inspiration.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Plasma Protien Therapies


To all of you who donate plasma I thank you. Perhaps this is a good example of how it helps those with Primary Immune Deficiencies. Common Veritable immunoglobblin deficiencies IVIG.

getting back into life

This has been a full month for us here. Getting the children set in school and helping a friend during a surgery kept me busy.
My health a challenge as well. Bursitis hit my hip helped by an injection, with the MRI and such my low back showed some need for attention. Injections into some muscles in my mid back have helped with some muscles that were not willing to soften. The low back will be tested with injections into five nerves to see what one the stinosis is effecting. This in hopes to gain more mobility.
With my dear friend giving me power of attorney for a few days the task proved too much responsibility to be accomplished without a fair amount of stress and strain. Then I was exposed to a sinus infection through my son the day before infusion. I have been ill a week now. Monday found me at the ER with a pulmonary issue. Thank God no pneumonia so a stronger steroid and heavy antibiotics has me slowed this week.
I am however finding strength in dressing how I want to feel. I went to a thrift store and found a few nice things. Making jewelry for each outfit is a pleasing addition.
My loving husband sat with me during the ER stay and it could not have gone much better. We arrived to only one person in waiting room. They had been slammed all night, but we had decided to try to go to sleep. I awoke not being able to breath and arrived by five a.m.. It was so awesome we went to a new to us hospital where my friend had had surgery just the week before. We had a team familiar with power ports due to a cancer center next door. Great doctor and wonderful nurses and respiratory tech. I did not have to go in patient. Thanking God we arrived home to the children only being awake an hour or so.
I rested today and did some laundry, beading and an easy supper of baked potato.
The back pain has me up, but my mind is so full of creative ideas. I am at peace.

Older women likewise teach the younger women...

• how to love their husbands
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)

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By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.

  • A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
  • The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
  • Return with Honor
  • The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
  • “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
  • "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
  • "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"

Click here for all crafts

e patterns My sister told me of this site

Please pray for her parents and family

Please pray for her parents and family
Amy has clicked her heals and flown to her real home. There is no place like home.

This was given to me for the third time in just a few weeks.

Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."

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