Fairwell to Febuary 2009

This evening I wanted to go for a walk...
I had checked the chickens (found 6 eggs), I saw the sun setting at the end of this day...
When we went on an errand at noon, tending to the hearts of the children the iris were open when we returned.
I gasp and frightened Steve terribly as we pulled into the driveway.
they just took my breath away.
I felt as if God himself reached into me and touched me in the heart of my chest.
I found it literally took by breath away.

It was only yesterday I walked this yard and weeded the rocks as I prayed and played the lyrics of that song over and over in my mind.
I stopped and asked Him, the one who has known the beginning from the end...
I heard His heart on the matter before the sheriff called telling me they had found him dead...
I knew he was dead.
I cried hard and pulled every weed, and just pulled weed after weed after weed.
Then spent the day knowing what was to happen in a few hours.
I called to see if anyone had taken a boat around the lake and began a repertoire with the lead in the search.
This is how it came to be that moment after they had found Jason, the sheriff called me.
I then set into motion to try to help my sister upon her arrival at the airport.

what else answered He , the lover of my soul...it was to tend to my own affairs and keep to my tasks.
These are the things that I am to do.
He knew I would need no childcare today.
He knew I would be with them.
Right where I belong.

I slept mid day and was refreshed.
Steve and I watched a movie together while the children did so in the other room.

We came together at days end to spend time together.

While I was resting Dash's' box came for his birthday party.
We opened it this evening.

He was so excited and full of beautiful glee.
There is a "ball" pinata, candy and little trophy's and wrist bands that say "good sport".
Also a metallic banner (triangle banners)
Dash has his eighth birthday next week end

It was a bit anti climatic for him.

We all enjoyed the evenings walk and I am now going back to be with them.
One the walk we had to explain cremation and what is going to be happening in the following weeks. We answered the children s questions and I thought my heart was just tearing apart. I put a great deal of energy into keeping strong and balanced before the children.
It was so hard to speak of Jason being cremated.

They will hold off any memorial until after my niece gives birth.
There is a gathering tomorrow at 2p.m. I am a little iffy if I am to go.
I will again ask and do what is shown.
I am in a bit of a hard spot.
If I go...If iI do not go...
each way will offend perhaps.
I am trapped a bit.
I will follow what is right in my heart and that is the price I will pay.
Those consequences are the ones worthy of my investment.

My heart and soul are fixed on Him

My heart is grieving...
your kindness a balm...
all of you anoint me with it
the fragrance of your love
breathes into me strength.

This song has been over my head
for three days now.
It is the gift of God

They found him....

Rest my Sweet Nephew.. .
Jason
11-79 2-25-09
I will so miss you.

My friends please pray for my dear sister.

Please also pray for my nephews 6 year old son, and his little sister.

My Niece (his sister) who is expecting her first child in 23 days.
Cover her in your prayers please for safety of delivery and her health at the loss of her (only very close) big brother.

For his fiance who is also expecting.

And all of his friends

Please also remember our children , as they have lost their favorite cousin.

Thank you everyone

Thank you for your prayers they did find him

please pray

Life is a grind! ground beef that is...update

13 pounds of 1/4 pound patties

Swiss steak and slivered for stir fry

The kids came home to hamburgers, an early meal. At supper we will have a light meal, this will hold them over in a healthier way

I am TIRED!
We were up very late.
My young adult nephew is missing. Presumed to have gone up into the high country without telling anyone. Arizona is a state of extremes it may be 80* here today,but nights get cold in the desert, and freezing in the high country.
He may have taken off...off road in a not so dependable four wheel drive.
We are seeking aide from the rangers if no show within another few hours.
Would appreciate your prayers for him.
My sister is terrified and or angry, mostly just scared.

A busy afternoon for me.
There are two of these and three large London broils to cut.

Hope for brain damage caused from abuse

Internal damage to the matter of the brain from years of abuse is a real issue many survivors face.
It is only now being recognized as Non Epileptic Seizures.
This in itself a miss-nomer, for any thing that is not electrical has not been recognized by the general medical profession.
I am VERY fortunate to have been stumbled into the hands of a very few select professionals who understand the effects of long term abuse and yes even torture.
Very few survivors ever over come to this point due to many factors including ignorance , lack of support both emotional and financial just to name a few. Poor quality of care is also one of them.

It was in the 50's that they were doing mass frontal labatemies (sp?). Were they stuck ice picks into the brain via the eye socket and just tour up the frontal lobe. Scary thought.

It is a scary thought for those who suffer with this type of mental illness to get help. For me the road has been very long and hard. I am one who was aided in the process by an apparently very high intellect. I say that from the responces and results of countless test and studies.

Today upon returning to the neurologist I found that although there may be an exceedingly slim chance of MS. it is more than likely in both of our options that the issue is this neuro damage making its way out my bones through symptoms that are very much real.

So the neurologist has had a practice several years and decided a few years ago to further his education and get a doctrine in psychology. It is his offer for me to consider this proposal...

He has to have 7 sessions with client to finish his dissertation. He asked if I might be willing to to receive the cognitive restructuring (the only known aide to this N.E.S. condition) from him. Through my insurance using a covering of an office he will work under. He said that his liability insurance had no issue with it. He is in the process of getting a sponsor who is the head of the board of physiology. Under his covering he could pursue the last of his (second) doctrine. He would then use my case as a dissertation paper.

I am almost to cry. I do not know why I lived, but this is so amazing to think I may be able to get help, and to educated the medical profession at large. Help in the restoration from a very rare disorder that so effects those who live though abuse and or torture. The hard wirer of the brain is so difficult to restructure. It is like the torture never stops to the brain (not the intellectual part) and it just continues to respond like the abuse never stop.
I would help out some of those who might other wise become like so many I have known. ..dead at their own hand.

It is so very rare that any of us are able to function at such a high level. It is hoped that cognitive restructuring of the brain might give me a freedom from the systems that plague me to this day and are steadily getting worse as I (my brain) ages. It is by the grace of God that he created me so very bright as to be able to become restored to this degree. We know that this is his desire for my peers as well.

I told the neurolist I would consider his offer. He asked me to please not just let it go as far as keeping an eye on the symtems that are taking away my cognitive abilities. We might just be able to turn this around. I would be a test subject in this new and advancing breakthough in helping survivors to thrive.

On top of the N.E.S. is the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that is like the flight flight response. That is much more understood. However only just recently.
I have no present flash backs.

So what do you think about it? My friends do you as I think that perhaps this may just be a greater gain or purpose in the eternity of this. Yes I do mean eternity, for I know better than to think my life is just about me. It would ask so much trust of me...I do trust God. I am a much better judge of man, and more able to discern my own instinct as well than long ago. This Doctor seams an honorable man with dignified intentions, for me,the community at large as well as his own knowledge.

Busy garden morning

Mornings with children offer me a treasured life.

A walk around the block is a wonderful way to start my day.
This I thought was a thing of beauty this morning.

Harvest of sweet peas today

This have a real bite!
They need a few more days.

yesterday I stopped by the garden center.
The things I needed...well three of the four were on close out!
40% off!
All I have need of.
This is a cucumber a gift to the family from me.

sweet peas around the wall need a trellis

This all needs to be pulled and the sunflowers tossed.

Smiling Iris teased me to smile yesterday

This morning a promise of a poppy flower.

I planted the front corridor yesterday. It is a good thing to be in the garden with him.

Off to go work with forth graders for a few hours ...

I am here

There is no hiding place down here.

The last of the final corners of solitude and deepest denial now has been taken away. All I knew really did happen and there is no escaping the truth of it for me. I wept.
There is so much gratitude that I am not to decline yes.
There is so much truth to the effects of what I have known though that I stand stunned. Grieved at all that I could of been , brilliant she said. Yet I am still in this capacity as mother and wife, friend and confidant. I am alright it is just those tattered scraps. I wanted a pretty gown. One day I will have robes, flowing and beautiful robes for these tattered rags I am left with. Yet I see the beauty in these old rags. I just get so fatigued of mending them over and over.

I can hide the realities from myself no more. No more doubts that some how it could not of really happened. My own body will scream it if I do not listen. Truth will permiate every corner. Even those so painful to see.
I suppose I could say I am sorry , but I have done nothing wrong.
I heard it that it is in suffering when you have done nothing wrong that true character shines.

I wept.

P.T.S.D. an over view.

1. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
2. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis.
3. An event or situation that causes great distress and disruption.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - (PTSD), mental disorder that follows an occurrence of extreme psychological stress, such as that encountered in war or resulting from violence, childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or serious accident. The stressful event is usually followed by a period of emotional numbness and denial that can last for months or years. After that period, symptoms such as recurring nightmares, "flashbacks," short-term memory problems, insomnia, or heightened sensitivity to sudden noises may begin. In some cases outbursts of violent behavior have been observed. The usual treatment for PTSD is individual psychotherapy, including anxiety management, or group psychotherapy with others who have the disorder. Some antianxiety and antidepressant drugs are being studied for their effectiveness.

Certain traits (a history of depression, shyness, impulsivity) appear to heighten a person's risk of experiencing PTSD after a traumatic event. In those who do experience it, there is growing evidence that actual physical changes occur in the brain. The hippocampus, a structure that lies deep in the brain and that is associated with memory, has been found to be smaller in PTSD victims. It has been hypothesized that excesses of cortisol, a steroid hormone released during periods of extreme stress, may damage nerve fibers in the area or actually kill the nerve cells. However, the role of cortisol is not completely understood; studies of concentration camp survivors found abnormally low levels of cortisol rather than abnormally high levels.

Post-traumatic stress disorder was referred to as "shell shock" after World War I and as "battle fatigue" after World War II and was traditionally thought of as a condition of war veterans. Studies of Vietnam veterans and Nazi concentration camp survivors have added greatly to the knowledge of PTSD. The National Vietnam Veterans Readjustment Study (1988) estimated that 31% of the males and 27% of the females who served in the Vietnam War had symptoms of PTSD. Estimates of civilian populations put the rate of PTSD at 10% (women) and 5% (men) in the 15 to 54 age group. Childhood sexual abuse, sexual abuse, and assault are common causes of PTSD in both military and nonmilitary women. In 1989 the U.S. Congress created the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for the study and treatment of PTSD.

Although I have been so restored in so many ways (yes God heals) I have torn fibers of this cloth I am made of. To think that you just stitch new cloth to old and call it healed is a bit ludicrous and dangerous. One who then tears at the seam when that new cloth shrinks in their tears is said to be less of a Christian. Well that I find to be just plain cruel.
Suppose that is just a bit defensive...I am tired of judgmental ignorance wounding those who suffer enough in this world. Suppose enough said regarding those types of comments.
My relationship and friendship with my maker is quite strong I assure you. It is not for a lack of faith, or effort.
Your toes just might pinch in our shoes if you ever had to trod in them.

Medical News is Good!

Today Steve and I heard the diagnostic of the Neuro psych testing.
She started out telling me that the tests were based on an average of 100 people my age and educational background. She explained that she saw no indicators of dementia. In fact that she was surprised by the findings. Regarding the memory testing she said that there was a scale based on the average of said 100 people. It was her finding that in several of those categories I was tested out superior on the scale for cognitive/recall. The part of the test I had a hard time with even tested out as a low normal.
It is her opinion that it was a anxiety that messed me up. Apparently The NES and the P.T.S.T. overlap. That the stress disorder may be the culprit for the loss I felt in the store. The cognitive may be due to stressers that hinder ability.
There seams to be no physical correlation except that the NES is causing my physical symptoms. I was diagnosed at Mayo clinic in 2001 with Non Epileptic Seizures. The Medical profession at large does not recognize this condition in large part because of its' "old school mentality".
At Mayo clinic the research seams to indicate a common thread with trauma survivors and N.E.S. .
The appointment with the Neurologist will be on Thursday.
He will do the compiling of data, it appears though that it is indeed a condition of the remnants of the torture.
Evidently the conditioning of torture and severe abuse causes the body to actually present very real symptoms that mimic other serious (at times ) disorders or ailments.
It is pretty crazy making.
There are those who are "Accused of faking " by stupid doctors
Correction Steve said that she stated it is basically unheard of for anyone to fake N.E.S.
Those Doctors attitudes cause a world of doubt for those of us who suffer in truth.

An N.E.S. survivor has been so conditioned as to have effects that come out through the physical body. Pain, she said, is sometimes an effect of N.E.S. as well. It is very real, it is just that the source of it is not physical but psychological.
Sorta like being told your crazy.
Not really , but that is what it feels like, and it really hurts my heart.

She said "that I am not to even, ever think that I am "making it up"
it is real and I am not crazy."
I am so very grateful that this is just a part of being me.
A part of being alive after trauma.
It does however break my heart that I have been left to live this life with all the lingering oddities.
She told us that considering all I have know I have a pretty amazing life.
Many people with it commit suicide or just become vegetative, however my sharp mind made me able through the grace and inexplicable mercy of God to make a life for myself.
I kept my word to myself.
I did not let them ( the offenders) win.

She added that even so this "higher functioning" has a high price of stress and intensity that most others thankfully never have to face.
I do not disagree with her there.
I just don't often give myself enough credit for what has been achieved in and through me.

She commented on my ability to find coping methods to overcome the hindrances of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and even the N.E. S. for that matter.
She warned me with my extensive medical history of corrective surgeries and such due to the trauma, that most physicians will be confused at my symptoms and challenges.
That it is purely based in their ignorance not anything I am doing wrong.

I am tired of being me today.

I wish sometimes I could have never walked this road.

I understand those things that made my peers give up.
If though..., I have any of you peers as readers ...do not give up!
You are not alone and one day knowledge will overcome ignorance.

We will be proven brilliant and courageous.
If even only to ourselves.
Of course that is often the hardest person to convince.

Bless God though that it is not a degenerative condition.
It is just a remnant.
There is a memory aspect that she is yet concerned about , but it appears to be stress related.
At my appointment Thursday I will find out if I am to go any further here.
I tried to get ahold of the support councelor but she is not on my insurance. She did say she would not send me or have me to go to any one who was not a specialist in sevier trauma.

So there ya have it.
Rejoice with me, cry with me.
I am both very relieved and yet deeply saddened at my perplexing life.

Dognostic first thing tomorrow

We will be meting with the Neurological Psychologist in the morning. She will have me do a few more tasks. Then she will be presenting her findings.
On Thursday I will have the compilation of results with the Neurologist who has all of the findings together.
I know I am still me. I need to still my soul in silence and listen for His word.

Day Hike To Hidden Vally

Today while tending chores the kids and Mr Daddy Man had set up a hike with a good friend and the kids are all buddies too.
The wives often stay at home.
This day was different my girl friend was to attend the hike too.
While Daddy Man took a kid (who had slept over ) home I made the lunches and finished my kitchen work.
I did not want to just stay home.
The concern was there would be issue with my ability to make it to the destination.
I got mad! Took a preemptive pain pill and got dressed!
Determined to do it , I did!
This is a rest point on the main trail.
We locked up the bikes, they came along for the way home.
We left them at half way mark.

Secured the bikes with a cable.
The kids and the men went on ahead and she and I walked at our own speed.
It was a hard trail. Very steep and rocky two mile up and in.
On the way in, I thought the kids were doing a coyote call to me and so I replied...
Then came back the call in kind.
We crested the switch back and a man pointed out a coyote! He said that there was another one coming from our direction. I had to laugh IT WAS ME!

The kids came back to meet us once we caught up to them.

We made it!
two miles in.

The prize!

It was beautiful!
The stone was ice cold!
The day was hot low 80's, the slight overcast kept mercy on us as it came and went all day.

It was so cool inside here.
Above my head was this massive stone as the roof.

Is this just so amazing!

We rested here and turned back. It was three in the afternoon with a two mile hike down hill back. I took another pain pill and headed back.
Now down hill may sound easy do not be fooled!
It was very hard to climb down tall stair step stones and slick shale.
Steve gave me his arm

The kids were being kids , and I a mom, get off those boulders!
Hay, get them down off that!

The hike was slow and very very painful but I DID IT!
I cowboy'ed up and just LIVED!
Had to, Just had too.
I am resting a bit sore , but fine.
ALIVE!
Full of vitality and sass.

It was a beautiful day today.