Encouraged.

Well, my peace has returned to me and the raging has stopped. Rage with its three pointed triangle of anger, fear of loss and shame/guilt. I felt angry to face the truth that I wanted to escape the difficulties I have been facing within my own journey and being so angry at how very difficult this life has been for me in so many ways and for so many years (rest assured I also see how much goodness has been here for me in the midst of it all), Fear of the loss of a brighter easier day to come I lost sight of how wonderful I do have it and how much of a loss it would be to let it all go to chase a dream. The shame of all the ways I would of loved to live better, parent more like I wished I would or could "if", and guilt that was both inappropriate (things that are not my error or sin) and in some ways fitting the the effects of my sin, selfishness and pride.

I enjoyed my morning and spoke softly to my son and daughter. I enjoyed this early morning temperate shade in my back yard after waking up early (because I was Responsible to go to bed at a decent hour). I took the dogs outside and came in to fix Steve's lunch. Kids still asleep I slipped out onto my nice clean patio and read my Bible awhile. I also remembered to lay on the hammock and listen to the dove and the other birds who are here to enjoy.

This weekend I stood up and spoke out asking for the return of my patio table and chair pads (Steve had stashed them away because he did not like the patio cluttered). I got the chair pads with the inheritance (meager as it was) after my Dads death. All three of my parednt died within less than 5 years and that was the only thing besides 2 necklaces and an apron that I have from them. Now I have my patio set up to live here outside in the cool of the morning and I made the yard nice the way I like it this weekend. As CEO I delegated task's and took no grief, It looks great out there. We re-roped the jungle gym and I have the new tarp sewed I will set the grommets and re-cover the structure sometime this week.

I read the book of James this morning and saw allot of encouraging things about my attitude of "give Me" the forest etc. I don't like the kind of heart that it gave me. I did get full of strife and sin just got to become more the norm as I fussed over "me, my wants". Like the forest was some golden apple that would make life all wonderful. Well it had its own trouble to it and it was a list long and true. The solve is to be responsible to to those things that are mine alone to do. Being the CEO of this estate is my responsibility. I have to stop blaming and being passive. Find my voice use use it with grace and a firm stand (not aggressive or complaining or manipulation but straight forward matter of fact this is required to care for what we have). Why should we expect more if we don't even care for what we have. It is just smoke and mirrors to ease the strain of being responsible. What we focus on grow bigger.

Focus on that witch is given to you do do to have but most importantly to be.