Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Welcome to this week’s edition of Aloha Friday.
In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that we take it easy and look forward to the weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting, too. Therefore, I’ll ask a simple question for you to answer. Nothing that requires a lengthy response.
If you’d like to participate, just post your own question on your blog and leave your link . Don’t forget to visit the other participants! It’s a great way to make new bloggy friends!Join up here
My question for you is three part.
1. What is your favorite color and specify if it is to ware to for decor?
2. What do you collect or enjoy...like birds, dolphins, hands, words, books...you get the idea?
3. What characteristic do you treasure most in people?
For decor black accents like wrought iron.
To ware summer colors blue and brown together is a favorite right now.
Realistic nature images are a favorite
Being true faced...I heard it said once that he who is true faced need not fear.
You may suffer rejections or pains but your safe in center of your being. You know who you are as you are known clearly by the Creator.
I feel safest among folks who are for I know what to expect in them.
Good or bad:)
This morning the coffee was out and I needed to grind some to have a cup.
I looked up to see the beauty of the tea pot...
I delight in beauty.
It is my comfort.
A long over due pot of tea was prepared
The tea cozy pulled into use.
Just for me...a china cup and saucer.
How do you comfort your soul in times of trial?
What is it you do for your self when stress is high and fear or anxiety rush you?
When shame loneliness sorrow press you how do you still your heart and manage your emote?
I was asked recently...
"How do you comfort your self?"
I have thought on this for some time...days.
I tend to comfort in self sabotaging ways...a false comfort.
Really just invoking more pain to dull the other...we all do this I think in different ways. Perhaps even questioning if we really even deserve to be comforted if it is so easily and readily set before us to hurt.
The air a little cooler out in the yard tasks called for beauty.
The porch cleared as the BBQ grill sad and broken needed beauty.
New knobs were called for and my hand even wounded as I repaired the sharp edges of the broken handle bled.
No reason really but for beauty sake did I scrub the grill.
Yes , an odd thing to do for I have no coals to light a fire for a meal.
Yet it being on the patio called to me...Ugliness... fill me with beauty.
Apparent as the the wound on my hand...
Reality is ...beauty is the master comforter.
It is my comforter...
To create beauty.
I found myself feeling so well nurtured as I attempted to fashion this little corner of my yard.
You see this is a picture of "MORE WORK TO DO!"
to my husband. I know when done to him it will become a thing of admiration.
Once I was so very thrilled to do so tending to tidy home and decor.
Yes I still do a bit not like once when it was a treasured pursuit.
Over the years I neglected using beauty to comfort me.
Both my own beauty and the beauty of the masterpiece of my hands at any given moment seem to become wasted efforts supper fluent waste of time.
An annoyance and expense or just not really favored as in just different taste.
You know I made so many beautiful things a couple of years ago.
I was just thriving and here they sit...
The comfort for me is in the creating...if I were a good sells man and found comfort in it I am told a fortune is before me given my skills.
I did a few sells and find I really enjoy seeing the delight in the eyes of others who find pleasure in them. If folk talk me down my price and all I just would rather walk away. It is a sorta disregard somehow for the pleasure I hold in the item gets lost.
I believed a lie that my created beauty did not have a big difference really.
It seemed it had become an annoyance of chore, or even an ineffectual pursuit for every time I had created some nice little corner it would be dismantled by careless junk tossed here or there.
Messes made moments after the tidy...you know PARENTING :)
Or a room done only to have a change requested when the next new thing came along.
So alas I just tossed up my hand and gave up.
My comfort did not matter so much to others so it must not really matter...
I did not see that IT IS creating the beauty that comforts me.
This day while walking past the mirror where my little self table is...I looked up!
I looked up...
raised my eyes to her
who had stopped finding comfort in creating her own beauty.
I think that there is a lot of comfort to be offered to this reflection who longs for the loving beauty she withhold from her own soul.
I was struck with the realization what was once a pleasure to become beauty was now a worthless pursuit
Lie! YOU SAY?
Wounds are based in lies.
Masterpieces are always pure for they are the divine expression of truth.
Even in Art.
The most hideous of image when truth based is a Masterpiece.
Later this day a dear friend who is one of heart with me returned a call.
Our talk was a divine appointment.
Once was a day when the very thing that she uses to comfort herself was the foundation of our friendship.
Her and I suffer a similar fate in that this comfort we find when practiced often makes everyone else around us most uncomfortable.
She stopped being able to comfort her soul, even in church! the very place where all is suppose to be ripe. In our homes we too have lost a part of comfort.
Our comfort is this...The Word of God.
In her home she a gifted teacher is not welcome to share her knowledge for it hinders the pleasures of the flesh of the members so even in church she stands a silent teacher broken hearted as error is flushed like refuge across a room and folk just wallow in the false comfort of it.
In my home once it too was a Master of the Word.
In that the study of it was as honey and buttered bread to a starving man.
Studying the word however is a dangerous thing...
I am literalistic and if it says this...that is what it means...
not suggestions, guidance for our own well being.
Being literalistic is a real annoying thing to be in this world and can often become prudish in the eyes of others. At times accurately so.
Consider the cost?
Well I considered the cost at one point and became a silent doer...
I sometimes feel so very alone but today my girlfriend was unalone with me.
The world has swallowed her up and I too to some degree...
Oh but the masterpiece of all of this...
The call to comfort oneself...this question...this provoking question offered to me woke back up that memory of comfort and posted once again that query to count the cost. I know that many things learned in my study lacked the balance of a sage.
A lack of balance however is in no way a reason to remove the very comfort that will be my life blood.
The manual now dusty in my mind asks me if it might comfort me once again...
If I were to be comforted at the cost of an others discomfort what then?
Balance I guess the best attempt to draw comfort without removing the ease and comfort of another is balance.
The Scriptures post the greatest beauty in all of the written language.
It is corner stone to all I am.
I have been comforted with a memory one that fades with time, as does it's comforts.
Beauty it comforts me.
I am grateful to understand that.
For I need comfort every hour.
It is in the beauty of the friendship I have with God that all comfort comes a truth yes.
He is that Masterpiece within me that is the core of the passion I find in comforting myself with the surrounding beauty of all that this world , my hands and most importantly THE WORD has to offer me. His Holy Spirit through His Presence is my crystalline delight pure utter beauty.
How do you comfort yourself?
If we do not have appropriate ways to offer our souls, or others for that matter, comfort we will comfort with a false comfort that will only bring self sabotage.
Hi Donetta....stopped by to visit and so enjoyed reading your posts! I would really like to have more information about the laundry detergent and the recipe for the sourdough bread! Is there a post that I can link up to???
Bless you, sweetie!
Sour Dough a beginning
I will be preparing my kids for the funeral.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
(those of you who know me)
know that this is no
"whistling hi ho hi ho its off to work I go"
...although I have been rather Grumpy.
I began the EDMR secessions three weeks ago and we are still doing the history time line. Each time I remember more and more blanks are filled in...a good thing but I get pretty angry that my reality is defamed by a few. This is however a normal part of denial and the efforts to keep that in place. The fact that I must respect others keeps me from going off the handle on them. Some days though just barely...
Some of the adults just under this generation are now remembering and asking. I also send then to their Other Aunt and Uncles for information. I have a genealogy that is very well established by Dear Elder Sister. She is such a gift and a blessing to me.
The Baby shower was a Swim BBQ party with all the old friends of my Nephews...bitter sweet and the best efforts to make a very painful sad thing a joyous time for the Mom to be...who birthed my Great nephew the next day.
This is cute little Nico my Nieces sweet baby boy.
He is so fun, just thinks his Grammy (my sister) is the best entertainment in the whole of the world. She is so enjoying being a Grandma again. He other little grandson who is 7 was there too. It was real good to see him. He came up to my kids and almost plowed them over with his happy exuberant hug. That was so beautiful to see him so happy to see his cousins
Now if you ever go to a party with one of these....yikes this is too yummy!
Served with lots of fresh fruit and other tid bits.
It is a chocolate fountain.
This lovely pool had a bit of a challenge for my poor sister trying to get it ready last minute.
The Daddy Man of course on life guard duty with my other Niece who is a new mom herself.
The party turned from a small gathering into a large BBQ over night on her and the pool had to be shocked.
I did a post on the creative process over
here at A Place to Create.
The other day while on the phone I saw some great ideas on how to improve my space.
This will become a scrap booking and paper center for scanning as well.
I love the improved storage. I was given that wonderful counter top from under the giving tree last month. This is how I actually made use of it.
With that cabinet out from under my table I am once again able to store these properly so I can make use of them . Now no longer are they up on top of the shelving unit. The count was perfect! This is all of the scrap by color and also all of the various notions. Now I can sew and not have a battle with getting up on a stool or chair to get what I need down from up high. So much safer for me too.
It is so much nicer in here.
I think I see a quilt getting closer.
I just finished it last night and still need to get this hung right.
Adding color where I can...This is the new curtain for the back door.
The walls all white now call for color! But the walls need be white to respect my sweet man who simply wants white walls.
Well I have had walls my way many years it is his turn.
I am just a color junkie:)
This a new dress...it was a $65 dress I found for $12. so...
I made a layout of a necklace yesterday for it.
I think I will really love the look when I get done.
Look at that just for me!
This morning I was able to work a couple of hours on it before the heat was too much.
I have notice the last two days the promise of fall as the lows are now in the 80*'s
I worked in the garden this morning
There is a post over at
BEE BLISS GARDENS
I love it!
If I were able I would love to own a set of drums.
At our house creativity makes way to drums of items that give this child fondness of sound. Now Dash is hearing impaired.
We went through the garage and the yard this morning looking for sounds he liked.
Very interesting to watch and to with him.
I think it is also a very good outlet.
He needs so much attention, it is very hard to fill this sponge.
I think I fall short here.
Now if only we could get him to flow with it.
Like for instance the Lab...
Speaking of intense!
This is the fix that had to be done for that dog went through several pounds of very expensive (he has allergies) dog food!
So then after this was solved...
He got into the chicken feed!
Speaking of the chickens ...
We got an egg this morning!
The heat is so hard on the poor things.
We moved the coop under the gazebo for the time being to give them some better releif. The birds are in such a hurry for fall as am I.
So there ya go...
Whether I am Grumpy,
or being my own
Life is full of variety for me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
We are doing laundry, playing the new and improved laundry game.
Then there are the drum sticks (dowels) that we are doing some rhythm.
My husband is home with peace in the air.
My post touched his heart positively.
It helped my heart to simply exhale in an accountable way.
More napkins made, laundry washed by hand on the porch (that was cool enough to do so) a day with many little things finished up and hung to dry. Laughter is taken place of dull television where children are silent and mused into oblivion. with regards to the arts... laid out is the jewelry to match the three outfits well two tops and a dress. It will be good that I can feel powerful next week when I have to go testify in court on that woman who was passed out at the wheel up on the curb in 2007 yes that long ago. She has been in and out of mental hospital that long. I have to give truth mercifully yet with the authority that keeps my PTSD at bay. This a good test of my skills. Life has been challenging but real.
Life is however good too.
The nutritionist called me to set up an appointment to go over the items on school menu and the ingredients as to know what Dash is able to eat or not. This year they are responsibly addressing the letter I once again went out of my way to have the Pediatricians office sent to them. She told me her predecessor no longer works for the school district. Given my experience I see why. Dash has given his alright for me to accept the offer from his teacher to work in her class three days a week teaching kids to read. It will be an act of love. I have yet to even go over to the school so far and it has been 6 weeks. So all will get to a point to begin in some short while I think.
My dear one is alone away from a monitor tonight out in his man cave (garage) this is the first time in so many many months he is unpluged.
Dash is out side on the patio drumming with two dowels he found, I went and joined him and we found fun in all of the different types of repercussions. Archer (Dove) is combing out her pretty "green" hair. Well thankfully we had the proper shampoo and it looks like we will eventually get it back to blond, I hope the texture gets better.
The joy of these mornings I dreamed of all those years will not be taken away or lost in the struggles around me. I have dreamed all long years to have the very life I have. I have the contentment of all that I have ever dreamed off. I have enough.
Like the waves of a torrent however the dreams we often have can hinder and change the outcomes of the dreams of those who walk our path along side of us.
The longing to travel is hindered for those who have a homestead, and the mortgage that goes along with it.
Every baby born is lead by a personality that is molded and groomed into what and who we have a chance to become in this life. It can be our best ally or our own worst enemy.
Like our life and our dreams our blogs find a place in the world. Some are built and groomed for sole purpose of gain of numbers for income. Some an intentional ministry. While others are like homesteads. Many are there to travel, to explore or implore the reader into an intentional setting or venue. All good and well as it is for each of us to find our place.
What if you were to gain the exact place you want in the world and it be apposed to the team you play with. Or at least in theory. Yes I speak in vagaries.
I would of never thought that the fulfilment of my hearts desire would be at the exclusion (or in part an exclusion) of an others. Or visa verso.
One side or the other has to give. Funny I have found that the joy my desire has given to the lives I share has been of times less than desired but non the less acknowledged sometimes as the best thing that could have entered our world.
There was a day when it was the joy of he who loves me to give me the world. His heart however has paid the price of years of self denial and being deferred. Even if... we defer our own self... if we one day see that we might have done well to make a way to do otherwise would we have regretted or been glad of it? Oft I am told glad of it. Now with all beauty and transperancy I am told that many things were not so however and that they are resented, or at best regreted.
Now WE have established a family, home, gardens and an estate that lives and breathes to me yet (in large part) suffocates my mate. His hope deferred now ...far too long ...and his heart has given up even the hope. How can that hope be restored? I know that feeling personally... intamatly... having waited 16 and 20 years respectively for the children of my dreams come true. Only thing is that... in the being forced to wait the reality of it differs greatly than the fantasy of what it might have been. So will it be I think for travel. Many of those things I/we desired and longed to satisfy my/our hearts with are a hindrance to others hopes and desires. Dogs were a desire in my youth to raise up with love and gentleness fondly enjoying the company off...yet now I have lost the very zeal that I imagined having for them because they hinder more than fulfilled. They are an anchor as are chickens and gardens... Some ships long to set anchor while other vessels long to raise it and to sail the seas in search of adventure.
I think it often must be the case in unions.
But what do you do will all the contentment and joy and accomplishment of success when it does not fulfill a mates wants of life. When it leaves a mate forced to become other than who he/she is, or depressed at the loss of his own (families) ships sail. It has been a long struggle that I have often tried to fix. Simple fact is two ships, two desired and compromise is in the un-available dollar or the letting go of self or desire. I had the struggle of letting go of the desire. I was longing 16 years to hold a babe in arms, only to let go and force myself to other persuits (undesired professional emplyment)to keep my sanity. Only then to have the desire fulfilled. It was hard to let go and even harder and more frustrating in some ways to recieve when it was such a hard ship to do so. Now this is the trial of my mate. It is a hard hard trial as I so well understand that it is not about me. I can not fix it. I too want to travel, but not so much as to let go of homestead. How do we do with the limited means. I think that there must be a blind sided third option perhaps. The desires of our heart are given to us by God so then as in the 16 years I had my desire denied or postponed....so is this desire only perhaps postponed. That urgency felt is from the depths...it is then up to God to make that way to see it too happen. What then?...the lessons I had to learn before the dream of my first child were for my best behalf and for my/our bennefet as were the lessons learned by he is that trial.
So this trial and this longing to set sail and explore and travel will be met I would think. Not knowing how that child might land in arm is little different that knowing how that sail might catch wind. It is in the trial of it though that the greater good if had.
Married now some 25 plus years much of what I/we worked for in hand has become a seeming millstone to my mate.
Once two years back I tried in all anger and internal frustrations to pack it all up and let it go by the way side to try to release him of all financial burden only to find great personal relief and satisfaction in actually setting my own anchor that security I long to offer us and our kids in following my vision. Growing children, food and family.
Yet the man I love finds need to sail (travel) and that need compels him into a frustrated state that all but misses the real voyage (his wonderful family and daily life). He has always felt lonely or alone...and I have laid beside him wondering if he knew how alone I felt in the same bed beside him. I never really stopped my own selfish ache to think that within his own wound is a life long loneliness that I can not fill. That only a fellowship with God can fill. Religion is a lonely thing. Relationships are most often stymied by religion. The most important of relationship, that with the Crater of our soul. Perhaps this trip within him is what will fill that relationship perhaps a devine appointment needed is not to be missed. Perhaps this time is come at hand . Like the adoptions not seeing how it could ever take place?
It kills me to think that one so dear to me is so very unhappy with his life. So very desperate to heal those wounds that leave gaping a seemingly easy fix that is denied him only through finance. Often though the things to learn are so much deeper than that. Often so much more unpleasant as well. The dross leads to a shine won often in no other way.
What if we all got everything we all needed/wanted?
I have gotten most all that my heart desired. However through the suffering of my hope deferred... it was it was received. The life, the husband, children, home animals and garden. Sewing machine and beads. Much favor and mercy has been shown to me yet a high price has been paid too. I am not a simple glutton of goodness.
Simple truth is the more that is given us the more is required of us. That is the real issue. Not wanting to be responsible to what is required of us once we received what we gain. This the child who is mad and then just refuses to do what is needed because he/she aint getting what he/she wants when he/she wants it.
That is the old counting of the costs. Perhaps in a union one mate has considered the cost and willingness to pay it without considering that the other mate is not as willing to do so. What then? Do we live resenting? May it not be so. Do we shoulder the weight and figure it is ours to carry?Wishing that it was a joint effort...well perhaps that has been my own method. I assumed in my life that it would be a mutual thing to carry. The sacrifice though to carry something you don't really want is perhaps too much to expectof, or ask of your mate.
So knowing now that the weight it too heavy on my own shoulder to I let it go and count to loss all the dreams that were within my grasps. I will try not too. I will hope and trust that there is a blind option yet to be discovered.
I was asked "what is it I do to comfort myself in times of struggle and suffering"? well writing has always been one of those things. Processing the thought and feelings of each trial. Seeing truth and error in my words that might be viewed and set in stone when only they were intended as a fluid process of role play as character develops or is rejected. Depending on the choice of what is then read back through the tears and/or laughter.
This is my place to do so. But the shelter of this refuge is being used by others to judge as if in stone I script, not it being a process of discovery. It is found to be satifying by some that I too suffer. Donot think that my life is without such. Nor is yours I am sure.
Many blogs are used to teach method of cooking, sewing, canning, "ministry" as in a direct intentional setting . Gardening or simple living. I have tried to find my niche or to explore the beauty of the diversity so many wonderful minds hearts and souls set out here. Often with a like mind or appriciative common ground.
Mine in a niche of honest living the round of it edged off and chiseled into a form that by design is dynamic ever growing (at least I would hope) . It is in the ebb and flow of talent and trial and skill and weekness.
If I be other than I am... less than who I am... I would appease the fear of misunderstanding and judgements. That is why these pages have been all but left blank for some time.
For in processing the things of late hearts other than my own have needed to be guarded at the cost of my own process. That I guess is a process of it's own.
Called a choice to love. In processing today it is in no less than a choice to love as well.
I long that the hearts around me be made whole, those under my roof and those in the seas that toss me ashore or against the stones some days.
Somehow in the midst of all of this The joy of my very own accomplished life has been let go of. It has become something I grieved to have inconvenienced the world around me with. Yet Oh I do so long to simply reward my soul with the gift that diligence and mercy and favor have gifted me.
I so long to hold onto that. It has become tenuous. It is very hard to do so.
When I think that my joy , my accomplishment had removed the opportunity for my mate to find his own it leaves me broken. For he is broken and it is not in my power to mend him. Even if I were to lift anchor to sail free into adventure that would remove all anchor it would I truly think destroy him. I am so sad that he is hurting. I only can hope for my love my friend that he find his joy. I am so very sorry that my joy has been gained at some of the cost of his very own.
For another to lay their life down for us is a very sad thing for they have lost them self at our expense. It saddens me to no end that I have gained at the expense of another. It is harder yet to have that rubbed in my face by others (not him) when it was a gift that was given freely to me.
I have written posts that have simply been deleted. Perhaps this one might be too. For this is for my process not for others pleasure , satisfaction or gossip. It is not for family to find satisfaction or condemnation of me or any one for that matter. It is not for a show of weakness's to be taken advantage of by arrogant deniers of truth.
It is for me who walks a road along side all of humanity. For all these things I know are not in a vacuum of some exclusive experience. We are many and perhaps this one simple voice of process can help speak for others too.
This is that great purpose of this blog.
I do not get paid for it that is not my purpose. (thought there is no judgement on those who have that purpose).
I do not proclaim this a Ministry of God either, though It is my hope that we all be ministered too by Gods compassion's.
So do I go back now and post a simple pretty image of life when I am pleased only. May it not be known of me to be so one sided as to only show you how good my life is...
Monday, September 14, 2009
If I were to speak ...would that edify?
All I can do is to hold onto who I am.
Optimism has always been my strong suit.
It is become a suit dusty and worn.
It is in these shadows I see the lights of your friendships and kindness glow brightly.
Yet I am of no words for the words held behind tongue bitten between teeth.
I can not let it struggle free.
Oh as tempting as may be...I will be better than that.
I have to lay it down lay down the rights that we might think we have.
But I am not my own and my own mind and words do not shine well this trial.
Those post of superfluous things are empty to me right now.
I am pained to my utter core. It has just been easier to pull away.
Pressed on several fronts.
I think that I may have been misunderstood and judged by my readers.
There is a movie of a poor woman who suffered...
Le Miserab ...not the perticular trial to be sure:)
but in it she said a line that rings to me...as the jailer arest her for a crime that was an abuse of power by another she said "I know I have done wrong but is it right for them to distroy my only dress?" pleading she begs for mercy from the jailor only to see contemp toward her and hatred...then comes the male lead that comands her justice!
With a tone and a voice of power he paid her debt. He takes her and cares for her and stands at death watch as her last ounce of strength leaves her...
Grieving that he had neglected due to distraction of duty.
It is then that his word to her is kept and he rescues her young one.
He defends the child to his utmost. When grown the child demands understanding through rebelion and the risk of her own harm and his.
Older women likewise teach the younger women...
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)
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By Maya Angelou
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.
When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!
Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.
- A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
- The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
- Return with Honor
- The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
- "HOME IS WHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS"
- “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
- "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
- "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"
Click here for all crafts
This was given to me for the third time in just a few weeks.
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."