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A Lesson in FORGIVENESSIn 2000
I had done a bible study on The commandment
"Honor Your Mother and Father in the Lord, this with a promise that it will go well with you upon the earth.
I was to be made ready to do one of the most courageous acts of Obedience in my Christian Walk.
On the Life Restored Blog is much of my life story...
Lets talk a bit about
Ruby Marie my Mother...
A young girl who at the age of 4 saw her white K_K_K father murder her Cherokee mother ( a slave in the hills of Tennessee in the 1910's) and cut her up and bury her in the yard.
Evidence was far to easy to hide in the hills.
My dear mother would be beaten if she ever went near that played....
Hard stuff yes.
My Mother told me at almost the last visit to "tell, tell all"
She told me that after I had visited her once...
Then a second time.
I was estranged from her for many years so that I could recover those things I suffered at her, and many others hands.
Hurt people hurt people...often those people happen to be their own children.
At 13 she was sold to a man who was 32.
She was sold for a house full of furniture.
That man was a leader in the 3K's and he had a 18 month old baby that was left after his its mother was deceased.
My Mother gave birth to twins soon after where the first born male was found dead on the kitchen table after on of their "meetings"
Not an uncommon event in those days.
For he was a part of ceremony.
The infant was part Indian.
My elder sister (the twin) and I are 18 years apart.
It was she who came back into my life while I was in hospital with flash backs.
She was the one who
really saved me she confirmed the flash backs were a reality.
My Mom had sought healing in her last couple of years.
The
therapist was working with my sister and refused to work with my mom at the same time.
Understandability.
My mother went on to bear 8 children in all
Marriage after marriage I think 8-9 in all.
She out living her last who was a Veteran.
So here I was after years of vowing She would NEVER touch my child...
Asked by God to forgive her and to even go to her at the nursing home.
I obeyed acting as if I was visiting Jesus himself.
That is how I began the maturity of healing with this spirit of a human.
Who had been locked into the darkness from such an early age.
I literally pretended I was visiting a prisoner.
After two visits it was Christmas time.
I allowed Dove this close not any closer to her.
I cried a river.
She got to see my daughter but I never allowed her to hold her.
This a vow I had made to God when He gifted me with Dove.
I was still healing for the things at her hand are unspeakable.
I forgave her.I honored the OFFICE of Mother.The woman I could not honor , But that was not what I was asked to do.The scripture taught me to honor the OFFICE so that it would go well with me.In doing so I was freed to become the best Mother I could be.If I would have held hate or un forgiveness toward that office
I would then have disgraced it.It would have
taught my children to disgrace it also, it would have passed to generations.
As you can see by my posture it was excruciating for me to be in her presence.
She repeated what she knew.
She set me up to so many pedophiles that it took many years to recover.
I am telling you this for it is in seeing through "the human doing" that we might be compelled into the holy of holiest where
we can see the heart.
This is my Daughter during that time.
Little and I kept her from my own Mother.
My skin would crawl in her presence.
Obedience is far more important than sacrifice.
That obedience set me free to forgive.
Never to forget, but yes forgive.
I saw her consequence of choice in her life.
The execution of hell tearing apart any hope of a life from her very beginning.
I had the support of one brother.
He was a help.
He understood my
boundary and guarded me my vow.
I was kind yes, but kept distant.
How I wept the loss.
I never had a Mother.
I had a wounded child rise me.
A Mentally Ill Mom.
Dove was her second to the last (Dash being her last) of almost 30 grand children.
She never met Dash.
She spent her later years estranged from almost all of her children.
Dash was born two weeks after her death...
Ironic isn't it.
I was a
newly wed bride, she and my sister moved here to be close.
My husband had to set a boundary and disallowed me to speak to her for two weeks.
She had total mind control over me.
It was unbearable.
It was the best thing he ever did.She would have bled us dry in so many many ways.
The dear woman was a master manipulator, but she was able to get her needs met through "victim
Mortar"
We tried a few times to share our lives but every time it would lead me to a very tenuous emotional state.
I had to part ways.
I thought I would die.
I had to walk away from my own Mother so that I could stay among the living.
Think of it.
This sweet kind
Jeckle and Hyde was my dear Mother.
The pain, fear, anger, sorrow,and guilt of being her daughter
has made me an amazing woman.She gave me that!Her kind side is where my hands learned to be open.
Never a
Veteran would ever go unnoticed.
To this day I hold that as a priority in the presence of one who served my great country.
I am one
patriotic woman.
If our Flag ever to fall I run to stop it from touching the ground.
I got that from her too.
When
she was 12 her dad refused to buy her shoes to be able to attend school.
It was in the early thirty's that the
Nazi's came to hold groups in the cities trying to recruit kids after the depression.
They would hold great rallies where they would salute
hitler(lower case intended)
She was terrified.
It was understood that if the street gang knew you were not with them...
Well strong 3
xK's in the area.
She knew what her dad and the group were
capable of.
There was no escape for her.
My parents shown here
divorced when I was an infant.
I took pride in doing the "right thing" and invited them to our wedding.
It was the first time they had contact of any manner in 20 years.
It was the first time I had been with her in a two years.
I honored her at me wedding.
It was so hard.
Do you know the
bigotry against fat people...
I was raised with it in my ear!
I still have to hear it now and again and I hate it!
Growing up was hard
She worked at the gas station 12-15 hours a day and my step dad was a violent man.
He was crazy. Yes literally with an illness treated with
penicillin.
I turned hard...
I worked from the time I was 9...Now I can see she was trying to keep me attended.
I slept very little, was not allowed to do homework...
Now you know why My Education is so
important to me.
It is a promise I gave myself.
It was not always that way...
I tried to be her friend...but I was an
extension of her beauty.
She had no self.
I was her, I had NO self.
I was paraded around as if she deserved (thirsted for) all the
accolades.
I was called by God to go to her again the following February.It was Valentines day...It was a tough day...I could not find her and thought for 5 minutes that she had died, but they had moved her into another room.She was incoherent.I told her that we were going back to Russia to get Dash.she began to relive the "dead son of hers, she said that..."the Doctor said to just keep her pregnant and she wont miss it (the baby)."My mother said ..."I did not kill him, they did."Dove was with me and so I left to get her away from there.A few days later I heard God say Get prepared she will be going home soon...I called my MOLove and asked her if...she was available to care for Dove.I received a call.I rode with her to the hospice...The Gift My Mother Gave me..."Momma if you can hear me and your with God tell Him what you might like me to sing to you...I can hear Him"Out of my mouth came."She'll be comin' round the Mountain when she comes...She'll be comin round the mountain when she comes...She'll be comin round the mountainShe'll be comin round the mountainShe'll be comin round the mountainwhen she comes.We'll all go out to meat herWhen she comesWe'll kill the old red roster when she comes...We'll all have chicken and dumpling when she comes...She will be riding six white horses when she comes...This I came to learn from an elder sibling some time later was her favorite song.
Then...My dear readers she gifted me with her last word...Donetta, God Bless You DonettaShe is my Mother...I love her...I am a Better Mother having known her.The spirit of a shell of a woman.My Mother...
