Over and over and over today my montra has been
"change me, he is afraid of loss, everything is alright Dash, we can do it over, and so on. Give me a fish and I'll still need to learn how. Teach me how and I will be fed.
Last night we openly discussed ADD with the kids. We called it their wound, and spoke about how it makes them feel bad because they can not figure out why they act the way they do. It worked wonders!
Our Dear Dash came to each of us and said. "sorry I said all that about myself being a failure and hating myself" Oh music.
Dove and I washed her hair clean and I gave her a beauty bar. She is so dear pulling her out tonight over clean hair to look pretty. She is so into fictional characters. I hear little of reality. I few snippets here and there so I will try to have so open ended talks. So hard to know how to fish her out.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Over and over and over today my montra has been
"can I do this?"
I can not change him, I can change me. I keep seeing my son in that crib screaming for food. I think of his story. Landing with us and in our first two months together; internal and external parasites throughout the family and dog three times. At six weeks home me having the radical hip to hip hysterectomy. Ripping my hand when falling as I protected his head from the floor. His needing to be medicated daily or the risk of dwarfism. Dove being left a bit in the dust as her own needs were delighted to others. Missing her attachment time with me.
So many many trials have left a wake of attachment stuff now surfacing after this straw of me missing for three weeks.
Yes it is said better than the future that might of been if they were left in orphanage. Now It must all be faced.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Mommie needs schooling. Sometimes it is so easy to forget about special needs in our kids. The nature of day in day out we all just become folks diving into life without thought.
Events of late show for us how devastating it can be when mom gets out of the game. Full time with the practice of intentional parenting and methods to help kids cope is full time. When nothing replaces that full time intentional focus things can fall apart.
Research came up with this that has reminded me of the cause fought the last 10 years for my son.
attachment support system Loads of information and several 13 minutes videos that gave a new focus
After just a few minutes of remembering his story calm came over me. Then once again a ' oh that explains it' came over me. Even now as he had issues with a lesson assessment, remembering his core of fear made for a calmer response by me. He retook the test and got a 100%. My son is really freaking out over a threat of loosing another mother. When I had surgery I was gone for 23 days. It really affected him hard. He also had to face his fear of literal starvation. He live his first 10 months in an orphanage in Russia. He had to do without a lot. The loss of food when he cried for it as a infant got mirrored when mom was in the nursing home rehab unavailable to cook for him. We are so finely knit. He was self wounded in the confusion of what was making him act so strange. Others just expected him to pull up his boots and fix himself something. It left a mark of feeling like a freak or failure because he was panicked. We forget that he has special needs.
Being missing in action has left a tole on my family. Warm meals and clean sheets may not sound like much but it makes a real difference. Kindness in its absence leaves for survival. Yes as all who have said were right "they will get through it", but it took a tole here. My kids missed edification and the luxurious lifestyle of moms gifts of kindness. The clean, warm kindnesses offered by a present mother.
In the absence of kindness irritability grows, self sufficiency can become resented. It is now for me to heal the edges of resentment with patience that honestly I have not been able yet to pull up. Being worn out before 10 a.m.is left me discouraged. Using as many tools as I can with Dash has left me to tears. He is with me 24/7, Dove is at Jr High.
Special needs kids have an extra layer to cover, to heal and peal back from my absence. Dealing with low self esteem left from an absence of being built up daily is a heroic challenge indeed. One I certainly feel ill equipped this morning to handle. Attachment Deficit Disorder is a hard special need to deal with. Dash being with me all day still needs to be at my hip constantly. I am not hardly able to go to the bathroom. I can sit here near him while he does his work and he is fine. Being so stressed I took to doing something about it. Here is what I have come up with that may help me this morning.
My son has hardened into a 'choice' to think he is a failure. Like an identity. We have done all we know to expose this as a lie, a choice to believe or not. We feel we may have failed him ourselves. For him to think of himself this way devastates me. It is based I think in the inability to accept that he is an imperfect human with an intolerably high IQ. It is not accepted by him if he does not do everything perfectly the first time. He is being taken to his knees in hopes all of this will help him find some humility and peace.
I really am taken into places of anger and frustration with him due to some poor parenting practices. Each kid is different to parent. Some kids are harder. This boy of mine is so amazing bur really stubborn. Being his home school coach is a full time job, it has left me wanting to be able to praise him more. He tosses any praise aside and disregards it. Lord I need wisdom and I need health for the strength to do this all better. It is so hard. I feel worn out at times not wanting to fight or yell at him ever again. So I will do my best to avoid the traps. I am a parent who has made mistakes and now I need to keep learning how to do it better. My habit of trying to encourage him when he is angry has to stop. He can not hear it and it just makes me escalate into frustration.
At the moment we have a honeymoon stage. Oh it is just so exhausting. I am not speaking with him as I am typing so he is now singing Christmas song and talking well chattering with the dog. As his coach with school I have to work so hard to praise as I correct. Hard work.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
It has been a long while that my ground had to be release to tenets of sorts.
Children with sticky fingers doing a good job of heating up something to eat for them self. Family members simply grazing as my hands were thoughtfully tucked under my seat as I did my time to heal.
Beginning in early June when my knee finally blew out until now a lot has happened to my beloved kitchen. It has endured all sorts of suffering spills and mishaps.It has survived a shell of itself a calamity of mixed up storage and lost gadgets utensils and bowels. We may never find all the missing teaspoons. We searched for our giant stainless steel bowl last night. Tonight it was discovered in with the cookie sheets invisible. Only due to putting a baking pan away did it jam the space and announce itself. We have just been puzzled, how do you loose a huge bowl like that? Well one mystery solved many more to come. Where is the meat thermometer is what I need to know.
Tonight two hours with lap top on the island dishes were washed and the reality of abandonment reviled itself.
The bread counter under the big mixer was literally 1/8 th inch dust! Yep It missed me. It missed the warmth of my presence,the smell of fresh foods. It missed kindness being fashioned through ingredient mixed with thoughts of others. It was each man for himself. Never mind the mess and just do your best avoidance of starvation. An inventory of the cold units and a pantry overview got through my hands into my heart today.
Momma's getting back in the kitchen. Let the kindness of warm thoughts pour through the mixing cup and over the edge of the bowl. Survival days come done now time to thrive. It is the love, kindness of expressed bounty coming back to this old house uncommon. These days of fend for yourself commonality not only need be over but Lord has mercy on me and mine they are coming to an end.
Meal Plan Menu Monday was a good tool. I'll shop for the little things to fill in the dishes. Doing what I can do. The nerve pain medication has been reintroduced. It is a very expensive one called Lyrica the co-pay was $50 without it it would of been $375.!, Tramadol is not very effective for the issues of nerve healing. It helped a lot with arthritis before. This is the second day I had sleep. Yesterday I did a little light gardening. Planted the annuals in the front yard cottage bed. The pots on the porch have a few seedlings. Caused more pain than I had bargained for but my heart was sure filled. The infusion last Tuesday has pumped up my strength. My numbers are looking real good. My strength is a battle yet, getting older too. Had a realization that I am not a 30 year old mom any more. Nor was I ever, Dove came home when I was 36. I think I may be beginning to naturally slow down. Hard to accept but walking against the hard wind is more a test than one might think. This and the anastesia (sp) getting out of my system, perhaps.
If any of you are there I love you.
Lisa B. I think of you and want to reach out a hug. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
"In the confrontation between the stream
and the rock, the stream always wins
- not by strength but by perseverance."
- H. Jackson Brown
After over 40 years in business Sally's Fabrics is being forced to close its doors. It is definitely not what we wanted, as we love all our customers and have enjoyed working with all of you, but we have no other options. As a result of this close we will be putting the entire store on sale. The official close of business will be December 3rd.
We thank all of our employees and customers for their support over the years and are very sad to see the store go.
Older women likewise teach the younger women...
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)
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By Maya Angelou
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.
When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!
Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.
- A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
- The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
- Return with Honor
- The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
- "HOME IS WHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS"
- “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
- "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
- "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"
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This was given to me for the third time in just a few weeks.
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."