For it has now been a month out from the gift of this new knee. How I have challenged greet changes in my character. How much suffering at the neglect of proper pain control repeatedly. Yet how neglected a thought of so so many many opportunities to see Gods hand upon me.
Again Friday once more in the face of a lack of pain medication I saw His hand came for me mercifully.
It was that at my physical therapy appointment that a rap camp upon the door. Softly at first then again, as I lay there in the dark. Heat upon and under my knee and my back, electric stem as well. She tipped her head in. "your husband is on the phone, He is asking about the authorization from the surgeons office. He is at the pharmacy trying to pick up the prescription"
Laying there I began to weep. Then the thought of it being a Friday I wept I shook. Knowing what it has been to repeatedly suffer the full bore of bone to metal. Knowing full well that error upon error has pressed my mental stamina and physical endurance to my limits of reason and sanity...I wept.
'Please Please Please Please God have mercy on me. No more'
As the lights came on, ringing a stop to the comfort of the heating pads. My breadth pulled in within me. The front staff helped as we came to find that the surgeon has NO after hour contact. I called the Walgreen's bypassing the call center going straight to store.
There he was His name was John. He made every effort to no avail yet told me he would let me know. Retuning to therapy with trepidation the choice to go on was made. Either way I was in for a hurt. Sooner or later but both. With knee replacement one can not allow the tissue to go un worked or a limp will be so the rest of days.
Steve came for me with my beautiful daughter in tow. We headed for home.
A vision came of me in the wheelchair in store. Many calls so far out of Johns duties was met an OK by my primary doctor who was at home. He succeeded for us.
As rest and pain are yet a balancing task.
Was there not mercy when the outcomes were unmet?When hour after hour I felt the fullness of pain. Knowing the bone connection. Was there not mercy even then?
In this I know what it is to suffer unbearable pain. In this I have witnessed faces forced to do nothing but stand by and watch. What it is to have a friend hold me as my fist pound out in retched pain (Lisa always within my heart your prayer and embrace). What it is to risk a pill to ease it, not knowing the long term consequences. What it is to be loved by so many. What it looks like when others are not. The face of loneliness and fear of isolation. What it is for our elders in their hour of need when imprisoned in nursing home bureaucracy. The kindness of one soul who took me under her care because "you felt so alone in this". The delight of admiration from others while I was in the face of courage. To go home to a professional group that will help me get fine, feel safe to rest. So many things yet to clarify. To have an amazing friend, a husband who has always loved me as this.
Tonight sitting here in the silence of the summer rain I know mercy. Mercy that knowing all of the horrid things over this last month they will become turned into a passion, love. Toward myself first then others likewise who too know 'alone'. They might in my knowing never be alone (without someone understanding what it is like) in it again.