Your kindness has warmed me. Your knowledge uplifted me. The beauty that is within you has touched my heart. Life is to be shared, carried, and walked beside.
Your prayers have sustained me, smiles have restored me. Memories of times we have known, thoughts we have shared they echo in my mind. Often reminding me of your journey calling me into intercession on your behalf.
In these silent weeks stillness removed my word, voice and thoughts from being expressed. I have been grieving, healing and getting stronger. A stronger hold on who I am, what I believe and the legacy it is my hope to pass forward.
It has been very challenging to find my way through the mind fields to remain uncommon. To keep peace I tried being another to keep others comfortable allowing things around my life that I am opposed too. Other things that I was afraid of being rejected by many of you who may hold a different value.
When I stopped being who I am, saying what I think with bold abandon I became common. When voices of opinion removed my own I faltered. Yet I falter. As do we all.
I have an elder sister who would it seems to remove all of who I am. It has been very difficult to speak freely. I have removed myself from face book. This is more my style. Privacy feels calmer here.
Although this life affords me so many many things, opportunities and people to love and be loved by, I grieve. Grieving the things that I might try to keep myself positive about, thankful for and humbled by.
Learning to adjust to 3 good weeks ending in a few days of all stop, guarded from bacteria of others and even my own family well it is a process. Lessons of pasing myself during a time that so many things were left unattend during the gradual slowing due to the place that the cvid had left me. With all diligence I pase between not burning the infusions off too fast by over doing it, and trying to get my home in order, children raised well and a marriage that is strong and loving.
Having the infusions saddens me, but I can not tell you that.
For I am to be grateful, as I am yes.
If I am asked to mask, it would be that I remain silent. For the truth of where I have been at is not lovely. My mind has not thought 'on these things'. It has been in shock of sorts. After all I have done, all that has been accomplished it was in my mind that all the struggles would end once the accomplishment of "giving myself a life". The reality is not in the hope of what was thought to be. Even as it was often a driving force to keep me going. It is that only is there another road to walk. It left me staggering a bit to see that those targets, that keep us focused on a matter will move and shift through time. It is a natural thing.
I was so set that it would on day be finished. I have had to and am coming to terms that it is what it is.
Yes yes I am thankful for all it is , who I am. The PTSD has changed my abilities and that has hit hard to think of all the medical interventions that came down to that. the PTSD causing the memory stuff. Boy I was just humiliated. It felt humiliating another blow to my heart. One that really hurt.
Non the less my dear friends my life is different than what I had hoped it would be. This is a normal thing perhaps for all of us.
To all of you You matter to me. Emails are rare and comment too. At times it is all I can do to read you, listen to your hearts. Your posts all so often feed my soul. Your comments build me like a brick wall. Some days it just amazes me how ya all help to refocus my vision. My love redirected to my maker and off of the things around me. Thank you for that, it keeps me like life. Words of life. sorta like an infusion of it's own :)
To all of you I am so very deeply thankful for who you are. Your hearts have touched my heart and kept it often strong at a weakened moment. Strength is gaining in the sorrow comes healing. Terms of acceptance is being reached.
The sorrow of my Eldest Sisters passing, touched that in her death the cvid was discovered and again she gave me life. She the one three years in to (some 20 years ago) recovery came to defend the truth I told. She saved my sanity too. It is all too holy. This silence has been a bit of that too. Walking on that holy ground of witnessing Gods loving gentle hand upon my life.
Each day even if it does not FEEL like it I am so very aware that the gratitude deeply placed within me remains.
For this I am Thankful. Happy Thanks giving and receiving of LOVE.
Some folks KNEED a bite of encouragement now and then. Times often are those of silent introspection. Ya know a hunger can come on a soul that lasts well into emaciation of sorts. Breaking bread with one another is a good thing. It is more than what goes into a body. It is what comes out. Sometimes hurling out all that is stored up to belly hurt is a good thing. Spiritually and physically as well. Gets all that poison out of a system. Sure can make a mess though. Funny how some folk might just love enough to wipe it up or hold your hair.
This is speaking of those starved souls that feast on a simple word, a morsel even if it is dropped on the ground at the far end of the table. Now being asked up front to sit beside the head of it all, well that's an honor that almost makes a soul bow head to not see eyes of resentment or jealousy. Keeping eye low when sitting at the head of the table is a false stance. Were it not for the invite...well invited guest have right to hold head high. To eye to eye the guest sitting round about.
Sometimes in life a real big change is in order. This year something we have never done before.
We are calling a sorta ALL STOP for Thanksgiving. Off the wheel we will be just the four of us. Little core with a new take on the holiday. We do not really eat like the usual fair. Only thing we all like is the turkey roasted and the whip cream on pie. See the kids won't eat potatoes, never have. As babies they had to drink potato water in bottle when in the orphanages. See the children around the world do not all have milk or formula. Both kids HATE taters except for fries and tots. Now Steve and I love a good mashed potato, baked or just about anyway to have them. So if they are made it is just us two. We like the gravy they do not. We all like canned cranberry other than that we eat fresh greens, salads and raw veggies. We like the rolls that's about it. Well I enjoy a good stuffing.
We are not going to make our day about food, cooking, buying, cleaning and stressing out. This year is for us to play board games, have moms attention, peace and relaxation. Sounds strange true, yet it is right where we need to be. We have all voted to go see a movie.
The kids are so very happy to have me out of the kitchen and all of us enjoying each other. Fixing the big meal meant that the kids were never really able to have mom time on their day off. We get to awake together, do our devotions. Cuddle, giggle and play. Food will be there and not the center however. We may love it or regret it but it is where and how we will be this year. This is the first time in many many many years I will not be setting a formal table, cooking endlessly and cleaning every little cranny while decorating. I may miss the entertaining sure. We need a time off though. We need to just knit together the four of us. I think I'll cook favorites that each might enjoy. No waste, no big left overs to over indulge in. We may take a nice drive, perhaps a day trip.
No real plans have been made, no set in concreate ideas.
Play. Fun. Joy.
Thank You Annette
Autism Awareness 
Total Egg count to date 4000 apx
February 2011 they are averaging 3-5 eggs a day
Only 5 birds since Prissy died.
Hens began laying again a few weeks back. The count is approximate
Winter of 2008/2009
Lemon Curd from the neighbors gift of fruit off her tree.
strawberry jam
sour dough bread from scratch
Laundry Soap a 1/2 cent per oz
I found the bar soap in an Asian $1 store, if you find it grab several
spring 2010
