The gift of loneliness

loneliness Thats what I feel tonight.

They say the gift of loneliness is to reach out., but then there is the fear. The gift of fear is wisdom. Wisdom often silences me.
My daughter is pushing back fear tonight. He sweet 10 year old body in her fanciful 4 year old mind. I weep. I weep inside so hard sometimes and the tears just never come out. The dam is so full and the walls feel as if they are going to breach.
How desperately I wish she were not special needs. How hard it is for me to see school approaching. I who always desired to home school her young and can not because I am not able to physically, mentally or emotionally. I stayed the course so long It was just last March I was called (by God ) to terms with it. I admitted I had to let go. Oh how hard that is this week to watch them so young so fragile and so needy go into the lions den. For that is how I see it at times like this, nights like these.
I try so hard to be brave to be still.
I know that I am doing what is right and honorable for their greatest good, but it is so hard to lay down the dream of a "normal" child. Of being a regular mom. How guilty I feel admitting that is so much like taboo . I just weep...
I don't want to have to fight the systems, I don't want to battle with all the problems wrought by the inabilities and ignorance of adults and children alike. I cant bear to see the abused taken upon my naive daughter. My son with the amplifiers and microphone being teased and tormented because he has hearing aides suffers my heart so hard.
I weep.............
I see us so used up and tired. So alone in this hard work. I am so tired.
And then, I breathe deep swallow and wish just for someone to reach out to me and to hold me up. and to console my soul without the guilt of blame or response of ...What do you expect you adopted them .
I expected community. I should not have had expectations though that was so foolish.
I feel like my life is lived with onlookers standing amazed not knowing what to say or do. My whole youth they stood a gazed.
I have to go and stand and teach adults how to help my kids needs get met. They should be there for me and the kids. I am grateful to settle when they are there for the kids.
Its funny sometimes when I am lonely I think someone will give me a referral. and then go on their way . I have a woman each day I see her presence on the comments. She simply says hello and I have been given the water that might sustain this lonely soul a few more hours.
The hours are hard ones right now with Dash facing a scope and surgery, with Dove facing society. With my Husband exhausted by the ten hour days and parenting, Never a moment for us for intimacy. Even if I were to be given a break a night out with him, we have the stress so much that we cant seem to defuse to enjoy each other. I want so badly to just rest in HIM and know that all will turn out well. I know that the battle is on for there lives, beloveds life and my own. We have gotten ourself s tired.
My sister says never get too tired, hungry or lonely.
Well I am lonely as a mother of children who have such a variety of special needs.
How I once in a while have to fight off envy of families around me who have "normal" kids or at least children developing on pace without a lot of medical, psychological and Nero needs. How sweet it must be for your family to never give it another thought that you have to let another stranger into your children's lives. I long for that sometimes. Both of my children need psychologist. How intimidating that is for me, how frightening, and invasive.

*at this sentence last night beloved came in to ask me to join him in going to bed. I wobbled up (the stenosis in my back and the arthritis has me very stiff) he reached out his and and I just stood there and sobbed. Now he is more stressed out. Sure seems like I should of just held it all in! I'm angry about that!*

He lovingly held me into the night now He is over tired and awoke to a rage as Dash had left a dog outside and it awoke him. Thats how I got awaken. I got up put the dogs out and went out with Dash (who needed comfort) feeling bad about himself. Then I took Dash for a walk trying to do a good thing and the dogs bugged hubby to no end. There is no wining!!! I am so angry!!!!!!!!!! I just keep sacrificing and pouring myself out to all these grumpy needy dogs kids and man all these souls are just so fleshy. give, me give me and passive aggressive and I am sick of holding it all together!!!!!!!!!!!. I hate the grumpiest in my house HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this stress. This damn stress!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am made at it!!!!!!!!!!!! I am angry at the thief that robs us of our peace. Our health and the promises of our future and of our children's futures. Now hubby feels bad about himself and need me to comfort him. I just want to stop the stress i just want it to back off. I want to be able to be at ease and enjoy my children and marriage and home.

Hubby suggested to list all the players in the kids intervention and whittle it down(good suggestion). Funny! soon as it gets whittled down more will be added in another week. Nobody gets it! It is not that easily to keep the player number down.
I can just hear the torment of the judgmental voices saying "well, it was your choice..." Yes it was hardened ones, but I could use a little condolence and kindness as much as you. Life is hard.

If I ever have my feeling it ruins everything for hubby!!!!!!!!!!! It is not fair! NO life is not fair and I am ranting! I should be able to be week sometimes but I am the mast. I know he is the head but I am the mast. This gale is getting old and I need some calm waters!

Angry that it is so hard! Afraid that I just can not do a good enough job, that my kids will hate me or us when they grow up. That is all I hear about these days from so many corners. Ashamed of not doing this the way I envisioned, hoped , desired. Guilty for all the falls and failure's and troubles I bring into the mix with my health. I can not say anything because it rocks the boat for my husband and the water level is already so high on the edge of the boat sides.

Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself, NO I am just feeling! I could sure use a little encouragement! I have a long haul It is not like I can just quit here, but all around me are people who need and get my encouragement every day all around me family , friend, strangers. I am afraid I am getting "dry bones walking syndrome". Where I am just poured out!

Yes i am real, sorry so ugly. I'm done ranting.