My soul is refreshed.

I have posted on A life Restored tonight.

My soul is refreshed

Hi
I just got done watching Extreme home make over" is was the Filch episode where a couple adopted 8 children adding to there own.
The team sent over plain loads of toys, bedding and food to Haiti I balled my eyes out.

Remembering that Christmas in Russia so many years ago.
Steve and I had a little extra money that we did not spend...
We had the orphanage worker take us to the medical supply, to a kiosk for a Christmas tree...the orphanage did not have one...
We were able to get some toys to hang above cribs and some toys to manipulate and equipment for bottles...
Those little children around my feet with cleft lips and downs who will never be adopted...
Dash who may well have never been adopted had it not been for the offer of a boy child and an open heart to receive any child...

I have lived all of my life ...and in a greater view it is/has been a beautiful gift.

I will be starting to work on the manuscript again after years of being silenced.
It will take a lot to do.
It will call up a lot out of me.
But God has a plan...His ways are high.

When I think though of the difference we all have a chance to make in the world around us
I can no longer of choice withhold the way God restored my life out of the fear of lies and rejection.
I had given my strength to it and became once again enslaved.

Those survivors sitting on the floor weeping left helpless without emotional support or medical means..
It is the full circle.
There are others some of you here and some on the other blog who need to know that your life will get better that all the hard work is worth it.

Forgive my self engrossed focus and know that all of you matter to me.
All of those babies matter...
Every life we touch can be made better different if we are willing to make it be so.

My heart faltered...my courage faltered...

There is a passage that speaks about speaking on the things that we have seen in Him and heard in Him and witnessed in Him.

Today I was reminded and am going to chose to be reminded of the things He has brought me through.
I have kept silent in regards to my recovery far too long
I am again compelled to do the work to finish what he began in me.
To share with those who never have had or will have the privileges I have had.
I just wanted it all to go away.
That was, even in my attempts to protect others ...selfish of me.
It is not my job to protect others it is my job to speak the truth and give my voice to freedom.
So in the lyric of this blogs' name sake ...


don't worry mother, it'll be alright
and don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
it'll be fine lover of mine
it'll be just fine

lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead a life uncommon

I've heard your anguish,
I've heard your hearts cry out
we are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out
set down your chains, until only faith remains
set down your chains

and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead a life uncommon

there are plenty of people who pray for peace
but if praying were enough it would have come to be
let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
to hear our voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom

come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
to live, we must give
to live

and lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead...

lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery

I wish to be free of the fear of telling the truth and sharing the freedom fight that so many wonder if it could really ever be won...well...now lets see...lets hear it...
"tell it...like my mother said tell...tell all donetta"

hi

I'm alright...I'll post later.

Dawn is lighting up the world

As I sit this morning 4:30 this morning I am catching my breadth. I awoke at three and just laid there and prayed and thought. Knowing we are short on bread and the kids board of Cheerios I calculated that I could have a loaf of bread done if I just got up and started it.
So I did and it is rising.

The weekend was full of generosity toward a needy kid who spent not one but two nights here. Only to leave feeling upset.I think I broke a trust. By telling her guardian that she was very hurt and missed her mother. The kid may have heard and felt afraid to trust me now. How do you win? Dove is devastated that her friend is upset.

I do not have ease to open up my heart here now. My blog feels well infiltrated. Those who ...
Well if it were not for all the comments of support I would not be standing as well as I am this morning and I will say that the earth is quivering under the strain and stress I am experiencing.

I had a wonderful date with my husband this week end. We went for a long drive and tried to find a museum never did found a rest room in a panic, then drove up to the old neighborhood where we first married saw the old house. Had a nice lunch...boy how things change the quality is so reduced. We drove over to the other side of the city and went wandering in an antique store. It was nice.
I wish we might of found the museum for a change of events...our very seldom dates seem to always be the same old thing. We are so boring. We do enjoy each others company. Unfortunately I had a migraine that I just lived and pressed through. The kids had a wonderful swim time at our friends home.

Yep I am pretty down this morning. The dawn might come soon so might my joy...They say it comes in the mourning. Steve said I am just tender...He was sweet and held me. He changed the linens last night to my pleasant surprise. Dove is pre teen pulling away from mom time. I am so glad I understand the process. I do think that it is a challenge to not allow myself to take it personally. It is the time though when all I can do is hope I have set her up well to succeed as a young woman. I have so many wishes for the things that could of been done better or differently. I wish I would have had a better teacher and example myself.
Dash is at a little bit of a difficult stage. He too is gaining those independent things that at times can push my buttons then he can just be so profound. They are really wonderful little people. I feel sorta down on myself about my parenting and the things I have screwed up on. I just try to think how it feels to be in their shoes.
It will not be long now until the pulling away stage into Independence. A good thing. A bit bitter sweet to a mom. Many things haunt me that I so wish I would of done better.

I feel so sad...I watched so many children grow into adulthood and so many a child have a difficult time. I want so badly to see these two succeed in spite of Steve and I and all of the things we could of done so much better...I know in many many ways we have done marvelous things to help these two along. I just wish I could of given them so much more. A healthily extended family, a safe world to go out into. I am not finished yet of course...it is just coming upon us that we have very precious little time to impact their lives for the best effect toward their futures. What a huge task to parent. Parents have to mature themselves while at the same time maturate the children who demand so much more knowledge than we often have been able to acquire.

Well it is 5:45 and time to go punch the bread down. I guess I took the blog back at risk.... Lord help me I feel depressed and sad and just plain old overwhelmed.

I had a dream last night that reminded me that the EMDR lady is surprizingly kind and she has the keys to the cell.

I must pull up courage, resolve and gentleness...I am really grieving over many losses.

Of course a plastic face never really did flatter anyone.

Spiritual Sundays

Standing up to Meanness

Friday I opened my heart up just an inch about the loss of my nephew this year to suicide and the pending arrival of the child he fathered.
I tenderly spoke of how his death pains me.

Anonymous found it necessary to be mean.

Meanness is a silencer.
It divides and conquers the very absence of fellowship that it demands.

It's amazing to me the ability to track that our technology and a very intelligent person may have.

Mean people come in all packages.
I have always believed that meanness is based in a wounded heart.
Thus they tend to do a bit of transference to everyone they come around.
Funny though that they often can desire (or perhaps appear too) to be kind and may even spend time and effort being so.
Thus the most confusing part of loving mean people.
I am called to compassion yet I do not have to tolerate, nor Mean Person do you , have to tolerate those covert behaviors in your own self.
We all have the choice to mature in our Character.
I would hope for your sake that you continue to do so.
If not it will be a terribly lonely life for you I am sure.
Meanness pushes away the very thing your after...

All the attention you were denied!


Now when hearts are tender and they receive meanness from others it can really impale us.
Down from the stake this morning come I.
I realized the transference.

I grieve for those who find it satisfying to transfer there wound onto others.
But it is their responsibility NOT OURS to care for, manage and do the work to heal themselves...not ours.
The depth of loneliness, shame and impending rejection that they must live with every day.

Now although I do care about those Mean Folks...
I will spend no more of my time pulling away because of them!
This is MY BLOG!

So anonymous with the deepest sincerity I do grieve those things that left you the way you are.
I do pray for you that your heart might heal.

It is in the Spirit of the LIVING LOVING GOD that I am able to do so.

My Dear Covering of a husband opened my eyes to the error of just erasing your comment.
It would perhaps of been good to let you my readers address such a one.

As He said also it is good that you who love me and who are those who truly care of my sorrow over the loss of my Dear Nephew
that was such an important part my young adult life
Never being able to be close to him due to the madness of my family of origin.
that was such an important part of our early marriage...
this child who I saw come to my door in a vision so many years after last I saw him...
Who knocked on my door that vision just days before my first trip to Russia...
Who asked me if I would be willing to receive those who came in the car that day with him.
It was at his request and the Lords preparation of a repeated vision of the event that took place...seeing what played out year after year in that vision...
This child whom I prayed and wept over year after year as did I his cousins and the siblings I was forced to remain in isolation from...
in order to not take my own life...
This young man who poured his heart out to me several months before His death...
This young adult that I simply could not help.
This soul who was so used and chased by people and the world around him.
This young man who chose to follow the path that lead slowly to his destruction who found it too difficult to follow any other way .
Far to many obstacles in his life ...his path.

This child whom I loved.
I grieve over.

Though I am not his mother,his sister or the mother of his child .
I watched his life unfold from a
(necessary self imposed for survival)
distance and grieved and wept and yes at times rejoiced.
A child with a heart so loving and so generous and kind that he in his own way even went so far in his despair and wound as to lay his life down in utter defeat.

So to all you Mean Spirited folk as Much as I have compassion for you and chose moment by moment to practice kindness to you...
I will not be defeated by the wound that lashes out from you!

For Greater is
HE WHO DWELLS IN ME
than he who provokes the wound.

Perhaps joining us over here might just give you what you need

NaBloPoMo

A message to all members of NaBloPoMo

The theme for next month's daily blogging is BEAUTIFUL. It's a word that means something different to everyone, which makes it ideal for a month's worth of interpretation and reinterpretation.

If you'd like to be included on the September blogroll with everyone else who's giving this daily blogging thing a shot, go here and follow the directions at the top of the page -- http://www.nablopomo.com/blogrolls/september-2009-blogroll
As always, blogging on the theme is not required for inclusion on the blogroll.

I've got some HTML badges up, but please feel free to invent your own and leave a link in the comments! http://www.nablopomo.com/htmlbadges/september-2009-html-badges

Good luck, thanks, and happy blogging!

Eden
http://www.nablopomo.com/profile/toasteroven

Visit NaBloPoMo at: http://www.nablopomo.com

Lyrics of A life uncommon by Jewel

don't worry mother, it'll be alright
and don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
it'll be fine lover of mine
it'll be just fine

lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead a life uncommon

I've heard your anguish,
I've heard your hearts cry out
we are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out
set down your chains, until only faith remains
set down your chains

and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead a life uncommon

there are plenty of people who pray for peace
but if praying were enough it would have come to be
let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
to hear our voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom

come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
to live, we must give
to live

and lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead...

lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery

Hard Drive Crashed

My computer died last night.
I am on one of the kids.
This machine does not have full capabilities.

Dear Serendipity...

I will try to do a more detailed post on the window tinting.
There were some good tricks I learned after doing so many of them.
Keeping the film very wet and the window very wet is so important.
It the sticky side of the film touches it is nearly impossible to save it.
By they way...
the bottled spray that comes with the kit for $5 is just a few drops of dish soap (just see that it is a plain dish soap nothing fancy) and water just a heads up for I would of spent considerable money just keeping it filled :)

I have a free day...
well laundry and kitchen and week end food prep.
Other wise free.
For me that is low work load.
I will have to do a time line of life events for the EMDR on Monday.
So If you do not mind keeping me in thought and prayer I would appreciate it.
Going over event history can be difficult to say the least.
The hope is to use the EMDR to reprogram the neuro path ways to stop the memory lock ups. The human brain is such an amazing thing.

I also will be working on my great nephews nursery.

My nephew committed suicide earlier this year. This young man was a very special kid in his early youth Steve and I grew very close and he and I had a special bond.
Knowing the depth of the loss that his mother and sister and the mother of his son to be born I have not allowed my own pain in his loss much attention. It is really very painful however and It is just tearing me up inside.
Working on the nursery and feeling a bit unacknowledged for the loss that I feel has been sorta tough. It really hurts that My nephews life turned into such a desperate end. It is terribly sad. I do not think any of my family really understands the magnitude of his death to me. Funny how it can be assumed that (or seemingly so) that his loss does not effect me. How could it not. Time spent with someone or time simply on the outskirts of an others life does not differ the depth of love that I feel for this boy (man). In my mind and heart he will always be the heart of who he was not the man that his choices and life caused him to become.
So now a beautiful young single woman will bear a fatherless child...it appears that it may have been all in his confused hopes that his absence would of been better for his children's lives. In his mind he had become convinced of this hopeless of being able to offer them a future.

Oh please my friends choose wisely.
The choices we make will have a greater effect on the lives around us than we perhaps could ever understand.
In this great epic we are but a line in the story .
Yet a well written line can change an epic for all of time.
It can turn the end into a completely different story.

May my life be a well written line in the vast epic of time.

So I close a little saddened but not dis heartened
Thanks for the kindness of friendships.
I will try to get back on this machine later in the day.
Have a wonderful day thinking on those that you love.
Be a well writing part of the greater story today.

Thankful Thrusday *Rescue

We are under a heat advisory

Sometimes it is a literal rescue received that is a cause for celebration
This week when the mower actually started for me after 30 minutes the day before and several minutes that morning I whooped and hollered!
I was rescued. The day before I was in a prison of attitude anger and frustration.
The morning it started I was able to rescue another my brother my husband from a task that would add to his long day.

The heat here has been a bit of a torment.

Skill and effort with means caused for me to conclude a week long job of tinting our East and West facing windows.
With job done and some effort I was freed from the agitating stress of a messy dining and living room.
This has been tinkered with, I am in the midst of re organizing the decor.
Some rescues are at our own hand and choice.
We often hold our selves captive through inaction's or plain overloaded work schedules.
See the difference it makes it has a rating of 77% heat block.
This is a W-SW facing door on the patio.

Tools of the trade of Window tinting

The back door needed a layer of reflective film.
This is the corner guide. It holds the corner so trimming can be successfully achieved.

The tinting will save us from the heat infiltrating the house.
It is a good investment at apx $6. a window.
You can actually feel the difference of the heat on the window.

The Lab approved...
I avoid use of the dogs names for a reason :)

Many years ago I saw a wonderful old painting that was 6x8 if it were an inch. I loved that painting. This a gift to me last week by a friend.
It is amazingly beautiful.
The photo does not do it justice.

This was a wonderful day of friendship for me, as my dear friend came.
I saw us doing our nails. How is that for a fun girly thing to do.
As moms to rescue our hands from the busy neglect we sat and had
sweet chocolate coffee with soy milk.
It was so nice. We first did a hand treatment and then came in and sat down to a manicure. I painted her nails.
I have never done that for someone before. It was cool!
We spoke at length.
My dear friend was a hospice councilor years ago before adopting her kids.
Our kids are close.
This morning I received a touching e-mail that may be followed by a phone call from a mother who is at bed side of a dieing child.
Debbie here today...rescue us Lord with your knowledge, your provision.

She made a wonderful suggestion

Have the ailing write out specific instructions as too her wishes.
This lets the Mother off the hook so to speak.
It is a painful thing to have a power of attorney
Someone will always be unhappy with you.
There you are doing the most difficult thing a Mother could do and having to also deal with the emotions and feeling of others while your own are rampaging, yet you have to function.

My friend also told me about hospice.
You do
NOT
have to have a DNR for them to help.
The rescue of receiving the help is a freedom of a heavy weight.
This will help the family .
Most folks do not understand that.
Hospice is simply there to support the family.
They are not the grim reaper.

At the end of our visit our rescue is this that each of us with the nails painted hands nurtured will pray foe each other this week for we will only have to look at our hands to think of those things on each others hearts.

I will be doing our Moms in Touch via the phone so when they are at her table I will stop and join them here.
My plate is gratefully full
Discovered is a way to have my cord of three strands
and join in prayer with them too.

I just pulled a loaf of bread out of the oven
it smells divine

Word Filled Wednseday

Outdoor Wednesday

Well at 93* I quit.
The lawn mowed and the corn planted.

We have a play date today and if it is cool enough...probability is low :)
The kids have a green lawn to play on...
At least where the under ground sprinkler works.
I need to either get that fixed...Steve has tried over and over we even hired someone who just smiled and took the money...oh some folks! now that man has not been hired again pretty stupid thing for him to do...

any way a woman heat worn just out of a cool shower here.
I yelped and whooped when the mower started!
It was really hard to get it to start!
With care a call was made to my darling...with pause as to not have attitude it was asked of him how to get the thing to start. Success and now he is free from having to mow it tonight. This mower has been ours for over 20 years and I still need refreshers on it. Steve has rebuilt it over and over. A good motor is like that with know how it can be repaired or rebuilt.

Now just imagine flowering vines...and color!

Join us over here at a Southern day dreamer

How can it only be tuesday!

Dove and I had a date on Saturday to just spend time. It was really a very good time of conversation. I was able to stop at a Ross and get her three t shirts and a pair of boots yes boots...she really wanted them. They were really cheep too. I also found a little set of top and leggings at Wal-mart. We had a Mc D and really found the intimacy dear and fun too.

Oh the things that can occur in a few days time. Like a huge balloon with all the stuff inside and the air must just keep getting pumped in to extend latex...Hoping it will still hold and not burst.

Last night Dash had his date with me postponed. Dove had a Band gathering of schools at the high school. Many masters played the wood winds and percussion it was a nice little concert for the kids to get a little excited. Then the instructors took the kids with like instruments into various room of like instrument. Dove had four in all kids with two high school students and an adult master who was amazing! All four kids were shown how to do the basics and the care of the horn...french horn that is...

So Dove gave Dash her weekly allowance to over come her error of not informing us of the event and having to break word with Dash to have his date with mom. Her idea.

So we set Dash and I for this evening...but when we got home last night saw that tonight was the other band meeting! So again Dash set aside his time with me. I was able to get home in time to have him come and do an hour date. He called it his half date with me. I took him to a Target and got the school pants and 2 t shirts and a pj set. All the same amount as Dove had spent on her. It was nice to actually get a few clothes for them.

Steve had overtime and also a side job last week. It is now for him to get time to get himself some shoes and pants. Needless to say money in money out. Needs met.
A special gift for the yard is an arbor found cheep this will be for the grapes in the fall. I stopped and got some groceries too. We found the cute fabrics for the nursery as well. It is good to be able to let go a little. Alas my shopping days are done for a long while. The gas for the truck is filled so all that running around is finished! Except Dash and I have our other half date :)

This afternoon the mess! Oh the homework area was thrashed...why you may ask...
well I took a nap! For a half hour I felt like I was a log in a stream. It was awesome except in that half an hour we had 3? phone calls...oh well...

Tomorrow I get to stay at home...Ya!

I had stopped for gas in the truck on the way and the truck stalled as I was getting on the freeway...I was holding up traffic and I turned on the hazard light...tried and tried...then I put it in park hahah it started right up and I was off.

Today I had a very nice time at my sisters, then we went to the fabric store...
We went back to her home and had a nice yet all too short a visit.

I Left my sisters had to stop at the music store for a book for Dove.
Then the Big Lots to return the pencil sharpener ,
Decided to go ahead and I accepted the arbor and loaded it up.
It was %50. off!
and a very very good price at even full price.
Dropped the arbor off...
got back in the truck and got the groceries...
got home the kids walked in 15 minutes later as I was hanging up with my darling on the phone...
homework...
nap if you can call it that...
made supper
crammed supper down our gullets
went to the band meeting ...
came home
did not even get out of the car...
Steve grabbed the french horn out of the trunk...
Dash loaded in...
Dash to target...
Dash home ...
back to target arg!
I left my debit card on the sink when I changed clothing.
Back home.
Misunderstanding...Steve thought I said I spent $50. on a pair of pj's....")
nope....so
kids brushed and bedded
I sit and breath....

Now you only had to read it...
I am staying home tomorrow...
garden,laundry,cooking, cleaning...
of course a play date after school...
night out with Dash...
Thursday a friend is coming over we are looking so forward to our time together this is a real treat...
She even got a sitter for her 2 yr old.
So it looks like Thursday evening...me time.
I need to set an appointment on Friday.
Sewing, beading leather work and tooling
cooking cleaning laundry you get the idea...
Saturday...
oh the wheel does turn and time is a vapor.

When school starts every moment gets spent.

ocean baby nursery

Another Great Nephew is soon to arrive.
His daddy is gone on so we are surrounding this baby with the things that my nephew loved...namely under the ocean.
His mother has two other kids and is going to school and working...at the loss of my neiphew she has also lost the dream of all of them being a family and having a home together. Now she is in a studio with the kids.

The fabric I am using matched the fabric my sister is making the crib ensemble out of.
I will be making four pillows...one for each child and two for the mothers bed. They are all in one room together...
The mother likes orange so I will back hers with it, the girl with the yellow and the boy with the green. Then I will make the baby a mobile of fish and shells (?).

The green under the mobile frame and the yellow and the orange will all be for the pillow backings.
the green foreground looks so like scales that I think it will be a part of the fish on the mobile.

The babies mobile will have the black and white ribbon to the hanging fish.
The backing of the pillows will make up the fish.
I'll try to do some cute embellishments too.

mine is the block hers is the bundle of swatches to the right an amazing thing for the fabric I am using is one i have had many years.

With space at a premium I thought to make the mother a organizer that will hang on the side of her bed for when she is feeding the baby and such. The Mom loves spiders...so this blue set to colors was true if you look closely it is little spiders.

Please join me in prayer for this Young Mother who is giving birth to the son of her love who is now no longer living.

This is a hard time for so many.

My Sister and M. (for mother) hurt more deeply than many of us could ever truly understand. They have each others backs. My niece is also suffering the loss of her big brother and the experience of her first child now who is just a few Months old.

There will be a baby shower soon.

Menu Plan Monday

A little late but up and running...
Oh baby I am running!

Funny how many things come upon my calendar the moment a new school year begins.

This is "the big board"
My brain on the wall.
A balence life wheel . This is the wheel that was incorporated into the program at the hospital I was at so many many many years ago.
They used my balence wheel to teach and I was glad that it helped and helps others still.

In order to get through to the menu I had many things to review first.
Some weeks the balance tends to slip...
This is the menu for this week however in order to tend to several tasks that hit all at once I simply repeated the meals that slipped last week.

Order really helps me to keep up...
The menu board still needs that order but to get this far is progress for the wheel has spun in a bit of a different direction.

Relationship and friendship will be the compass point this week for there will be many moments to enjoy others. The parenting point is full as well for there will be two band practices (nights out) and two nights out with my kids...
So the spinning wheel spins...
Like the wheel the clock too spins into infinity and days are gone as a flash is the week.
Months fade to years and the children mature into young adults who one day will be free of those imposed reins and will bridle their own lives as the wheels spin.