Dawn is lighting up the world

As I sit this morning 4:30 this morning I am catching my breadth. I awoke at three and just laid there and prayed and thought. Knowing we are short on bread and the kids board of Cheerios I calculated that I could have a loaf of bread done if I just got up and started it.
So I did and it is rising.

The weekend was full of generosity toward a needy kid who spent not one but two nights here. Only to leave feeling upset.I think I broke a trust. By telling her guardian that she was very hurt and missed her mother. The kid may have heard and felt afraid to trust me now. How do you win? Dove is devastated that her friend is upset.

I do not have ease to open up my heart here now. My blog feels well infiltrated. Those who ...
Well if it were not for all the comments of support I would not be standing as well as I am this morning and I will say that the earth is quivering under the strain and stress I am experiencing.

I had a wonderful date with my husband this week end. We went for a long drive and tried to find a museum never did found a rest room in a panic, then drove up to the old neighborhood where we first married saw the old house. Had a nice lunch...boy how things change the quality is so reduced. We drove over to the other side of the city and went wandering in an antique store. It was nice.
I wish we might of found the museum for a change of events...our very seldom dates seem to always be the same old thing. We are so boring. We do enjoy each others company. Unfortunately I had a migraine that I just lived and pressed through. The kids had a wonderful swim time at our friends home.

Yep I am pretty down this morning. The dawn might come soon so might my joy...They say it comes in the mourning. Steve said I am just tender...He was sweet and held me. He changed the linens last night to my pleasant surprise. Dove is pre teen pulling away from mom time. I am so glad I understand the process. I do think that it is a challenge to not allow myself to take it personally. It is the time though when all I can do is hope I have set her up well to succeed as a young woman. I have so many wishes for the things that could of been done better or differently. I wish I would have had a better teacher and example myself.
Dash is at a little bit of a difficult stage. He too is gaining those independent things that at times can push my buttons then he can just be so profound. They are really wonderful little people. I feel sorta down on myself about my parenting and the things I have screwed up on. I just try to think how it feels to be in their shoes.
It will not be long now until the pulling away stage into Independence. A good thing. A bit bitter sweet to a mom. Many things haunt me that I so wish I would of done better.

I feel so sad...I watched so many children grow into adulthood and so many a child have a difficult time. I want so badly to see these two succeed in spite of Steve and I and all of the things we could of done so much better...I know in many many ways we have done marvelous things to help these two along. I just wish I could of given them so much more. A healthily extended family, a safe world to go out into. I am not finished yet of course...it is just coming upon us that we have very precious little time to impact their lives for the best effect toward their futures. What a huge task to parent. Parents have to mature themselves while at the same time maturate the children who demand so much more knowledge than we often have been able to acquire.

Well it is 5:45 and time to go punch the bread down. I guess I took the blog back at risk.... Lord help me I feel depressed and sad and just plain old overwhelmed.

I had a dream last night that reminded me that the EMDR lady is surprizingly kind and she has the keys to the cell.

I must pull up courage, resolve and gentleness...I am really grieving over many losses.

Of course a plastic face never really did flatter anyone.