Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Love undeserved

Friends are around us a garland that can illuminate our way. I have three such who did so last evening. We four have met for many years to celebrate each other.
It had been far too long a time and a year has flown by us. At last we sat together around a table encompassed with mutual love and affection.
My head lifted up hearing of the lives lived, the days spent with children,, husbands. Lessons of the years time. Journeys ahead of each of us. ways parting in distance only as one of us is to leave to another state, to dwell far from us. It is o.k. to be sad she said. Thinking of the courage it takes to follow ones heart to walk into the vision and the dream of long years acquired. Even in the pursuit of a dream it takes the utmost belief that courage will prevail. My friends are love personified.
I am a very blessed woman. Many surround me who really are entwined in the love we have for each other.

We all find ourselves worn and tired of life during some seasons of our days. It is then that as last night we come to refresh our souls. Often I have wondered if I effect the tired heart as they do mine.

I have a special corner of my home that is set aside a sitting place. It is a corner of love, a place soft and still. Hours of time now spent here have shown how love can impact friendship. We all each one of us have these seasons of life that call for a tender heart to hold us in a special embrace. A corner in time where we too can extend outside of the self. Times have been for me within myself. Last night was so sweet to look out to see within the lives of my friends. Little boy stitches, Jr High wisdom and the courage of long distance relocation.

I have been so low that it is love to string me up, to tie me to remind me of love. My days will become dependent on others. Once again to lean into the kindness of those around me. It is for me a tipped scale for it is I who have been given more than any other. It is toward me that the cup flows. I have turned my head in a sort of inappropriate shame. Being so served, so loved, so cared for caused me great pause. For it is I who have had such a cup of compassion given.

I am a burden to others or at least that is what the enemy of my soul would have me believe. For who could ever deserve the kindness and generosity afforded me. "you have had enough you have had your share".
On empathy...those who have chronic illness are annoying. They bother folks. At least that is what some of us have allowed ourselves to believe. Now after years of looking like a person due the accusations of hypochondriac and Munchhausen the soul gets whittled down to the knee. In my case literally. I knew something was terribly wrong for several years before the Primary immune deficiency was identified. Now all those years just look like an embarrassment as judgement is dished out by some yet who do not get it.

That has left this woman depressed. Oh the words of a single man can wipe out the balm of so so many.
Thank God that man is NOT my husband.

Last night however sitting in that circle of friends...so depressed left me to wonder why it is that they love and care about me so. The three of them had it up their sleeve for several months now. To get us all together to celebrate each others birthdays...they were celebrating me...
I was so unaware, so caught up in loving them, seeing them after so long. Hearing them and enjoying just having us all together. I always feel like I wished I had done so much more for each of them sitting there. All I had given of tangible were simple necklaces made with one hand (literally). I chose findings that were special to the thought of each of them.

The three of them had gotten together some time back apparently and pitched in as a whole to give me a beautiful watch for my 50th birthday.  Then they added how they wanted to really do it up big...
Why do they love me as they do? How could others pour themselves out so when it has only been in my heart to do for them. Not so in my actions. Have you ever wondered why your loved so when it is not in anything deserved. They simply love me. I must of at one time really touched their hearts. I can't remember it.

Some in my lifetime have seamed to really resent that I am so loved by so many. I think that has made me feel so sad that they deserved to know this love too. It has left me feeling a guilt that does not belong to me.

It is like the world around me needs so much to know this love and I have been given so much of it...

Sitting yesterday in Physical Therapy for the first of what will be many many months ahead...it was awaken in me. I remembered sitting there so many many years ago. Seeing each soul pained in body as in soul in many cases woke me up a bit. It is time to intercede. It is come a day to once again sit pained in body lifting the souls of those who will be around me. Sharing the suffering. It is in that that my own suffering will be released.
I will have 6-8 sessions of physical therapy to get my quad ready for the total knee replacement scheduled on August 8th. With a shoulder impingement we will also be working to ready it for the use of the walker. It also looks as if my left wrist has a possible torn cartilage. We will be able to treat my shoulder as we did the knee and just keep it going as long as we can before corrective surgery will be indicated. My wrist is being guarded and injection of cortisone has calmed it enough for me to even type YA!
It has all just been too much.
The kids school begins 8/3 for Dash, 8/10 for Dove and my knee replacement on 8/8. The hardest thing is not being able to be there for the kids the way I want to. 

Pain has been tough, soon however it will be all but unbearable. Please if you could again afford me the kindness I do not deserve by holding up my little family in prayer. I am wrecked with guilt (fed by others as well) over my kids place in all this.  Many have spoken words of balance as to defuse those hurtful spoken things that float around in my head as it is. It is in the thoughtlessness of those few the battle is fought.

1 comment:

the Mrs. said...

Bear no guilt about the children. You are doing them a service to care for their mother...you would miss out so much more with them if you didn't take the time to tend to strengthening your body.

A short time of missing out will lead to so much more joy, memories and blessing in the future. He will use a stretching time to strengthen you and bless you. He can use all things for His good purpose when we surrender them to Him.

Lord, please mute all those with negative words and deflect those arrows the enemy has for her heart. Pour out Your joy and blessing on her family during this time....provide her with peace and Your confidence. Walk with the kids during the first weeks of school, provide for their needs and let them shine.
Bless Donetta with Your peace that passes all understanding, Your healing hand and bountiful rewards for the beautiful testimony she offers so humbly and consistently.
Thank You Jesus, Amen.

Older women likewise teach the younger women...

• how to love their husbands
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)

Blog Archive

By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.

  • A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
  • The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
  • Return with Honor
  • The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
  • “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
  • "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
  • "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"

Click here for all crafts

e patterns My sister told me of this site

Please pray for her parents and family

Please pray for her parents and family
Amy has clicked her heals and flown to her real home. There is no place like home.

This was given to me for the third time in just a few weeks.

Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."

Thank You Ross

Getting to know Me

What warm hearts you all offer

Thank you all for the kindness you have shown me with every Award. I am embraced. You Are a blessing.

Thank you Michelle

Thank you Michelle

Thank you Annette they are beautiful
Thank You Annette
Autism Awareness