Sunday, March 28, 2010

Oh man I am shaking

I just spent over an hour on the floor holding Dove while she just sobbed and sobbed wanting her girl friend. It might have had a bit of the reactive attachment thing going on but it was just gut wrenching!
My sweet darling came in concerned of me with my back on that floor (Dove sleeps on a palate  on our bedroom floor).
Now I just feel like sobbing. He came in and went to bed early. They both put in their earplugs. She was so out that I had to lift her sweet troubled head off my arm and roll out from beside her. Holding onto the dresser I somehow made it up to my feet without disturbing her. I was so hesitant to move that she would clutch me with her sweet painfully strong hands. Oh I am just shacking. I tried to lay down too but had to come blow off the stress.

Being told Friday to mind my stress loads and to increase the medication for a week or so I just took another half dose as told.

She is so , she is so... oh Lord she is so broken. A part of me is trying to rationalize that perhaps this is part of being 12. She does not want to attend school on the morrow because a friendenmey tricked her into trusting and now has told all the other little brat kids (humor me) that she likes this little girl who moved away. Now they are all talking smack about a child my kid shy of idolizes. That in itself scares and concerns me folks. She just sobbed repeating over and over and over at no end for the little girl "I want ..." just crying her guts  out.

Ok breath...
My kids were both so tired too, they each went to sleep overs at friends and they were undone. With Special needs kids routine is paramount and everything runs real smooth so much so that we forget what this causes. No wonder we have so few dates together lol

Dash'ism  "Mom I do not want to sleep over again just a play date ...they just would not stop talking so I could get some sleep!"  Ya know he was undone too but I just could not get to him for keeping Dove's frenzied sob under some control and helping her with just every trick in my mind. She would calm and Then all of a sudden sob pitifully. Breath...

Well tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps with rest they will be better moods. If she is in such a state to go to school? Let alone the lack of rest for both of them. Dash will not stop if he is turned onto conscientious as in awake and goes 100mph until bed and then is gone in a minute so ya know this will be an interesting morn ahead for me.

I knwo I'm ranting and venting, I am crying too...Oh Lord this is hard! He is making me able and will continue to do so.

I have an appointment with the sleep specialist about my snoring. Apparently it can be dangerous to my health. A sleep study ahead I am sure. This office threatened me $100 fee for no show. I thought hay that was uncalled for! Then seeing the calendar realized I missed Dove's follow up last know the day I was so sick with a double ear infection. So I face that dragon too. Need to use fineness and wisdom their. An apology, a hope for pardon of the fine and a good set statement of how unprofessional it was to receive a message of reminder that was accentuated by her staff with a threat. I deserve kindness by golly even it I do make a mistake! Hows that for a change in attitude. Got it from last weeks EMDR therapy (hence the phyc telling me to mind my stress for I am in for a rollor coaster of emotions after doing that work.


thanks for well for anyone just being out there in space and caring. I have to find a counselor psychologist for Dove. Oh that just feels so threatening as a parent. I have to do it though she is in a bad way, it is my duty as her caregiver to see to it she gets the care she needs now and not wait until adult hood when she has to overcome some addiction or abusive life style.

I think I'll watch some HULU (tv on computer) and just try to zone out a while. I am here with the dangerous chocolate carmals. I think I will take one more out and go put them away. It is not really going to make me feel any better. That is what this post is for
loving you kindly


Debra said...

Yikes! So much on your plate right now. I'll pray that God will help you handle one thing at a time, calmly, for that is vital as you know.

I forgot to give you the name of another doctor I highly respect, one who prefers preventitive options over medicinal ones. His name is Dr. Don Colbert, he's a Christian, and his website is here:

That should be his articles page. Click on the word 'articles' in the blue bar for a drop down menu with even *more* articles. Just start clicking on everything! :) He's helped thousands of people with neurological diseases and with physical ones find healing using natural foods and exercise and changing the way they think and react to situations, too. Hope you can find some help there... This kind of stuff has helped me stay away from med's which I don't trust. Blessings, Debra

Amrita said...

You are such a nurturing mom.Dove will remember this always.

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh u poor thing....*sigh* i will say some prayers for U and hope things get better soon...{{{hugs}}} :)

Susie said...

Oh no! Being a kid is just so tough!!

Denise said...

Precious Dove, keeping her much in prayer. I love you sis, and I care.

LisaShaw said...

Donetta, I'm praying for you and your family dear sister. If I could I'd wrap my arms around you and hold you up in the presence of the Lord but since I can't physically get my arms around you through this computer just know that I'm lifting you in prayer and hugging you from here.

Praying for your precious daughter too. I cried with you as I read this. I see that you wrote it yesterday so I pray today is a better day in Jesus Name!

Love you.

Annette said...

O' my sweet loving friend, I'm sorry, but I'm with LisaShaw, if I was there I would hug you and pray with you, and the sweet Miss. Dove poor little thing, but lucky for her shes got some AWESOME parents, I will diffidently keep you all in my prayers tonight, Please give Miss. Dove a kiss and hug for me, and so right about keeping a routine for children with needs...

Hugs, love & prayers

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