Spiritual Sundays blog

Spiritual Sundays

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I have been asked to participate in a meme
These are the thoughts of the current day.
May they support and hopfully inspire.

I think that the length of my husbands illness with the thyroid I have found myself now going "oh no wonder!" to all of the idle and seemingly lazy days when I could not get from him the help I needed and just pulled it up out of me. Now I see that it was his illness that was being so, not his heart. I now have a much greater understanding of what I/he was dealing with. I found myself at times angry at him...
The things of many a marriage that is the basis for that line in our vows
"In sickness and in health" Wonder how many marriages are lost in The effects of illness in relationships. I know coming out of the nightmare of abuse recovery that this man of mine more than respects those vows that he made some 27+ years ago.

The Book of Common Prayer

I, take thee,
to be my wedded ,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
'til death do us part,
according to God's holy ordinance;
thereto I plight thee my troth.
(Thereto I pledge my love).

Recently while attending a meeting of several Believing Christians I was very nervous of concern over judgments and was uneasy after I had shared about my journey. Silly I suppose. Many times over my long life span in churches I have been very wounded by pastoral staff who had no or little personal understanding of such things and I think I just sorta remembered (in feelings way mainly) how I must of appeared to them.(that based solely on a limited understanding of the blank stares and such) I know that what God thinks of me is most assuredly the truth.
I thought of how beautiful all of them looked , so well cared for...I really have not taken time to care for myself due to the responsibilities I have. So I took some time. :) Now my hair smells like sulfate (I colored it myself) yuk will be glad when that goes away. I like my hair better now. I have tried so hard to grow out my bangs in part to save our family funds. This is a tight time for so many of us. We lost our 25+ career 5 years ago and have managed to keep our home. Keep the kids cared for. Last year alone we had over 14,000 in out of pocket medical co-pays. I know of a fact that we are not alone .Needless to say God provides we are just really working hard to meet goals of staying debt free and being able to raise the kids with needs met.

I have a great deal more optimism's than my spouse and dealing with that pessimism is very wearing on me. Every day I see Gods hand directly meet our needs. My husband however every day is panicked and freaks out over finance. I have so been reducing everything I can to be able to see my husband be able to have some of his/our dreams of travel , means for our retirement, kids education and future met. He gave up so many dreams fulfilling my/our dreams to bring the children out of Russia. I am struggling to get more and more independent and live as simply as I am able. I grind flour, grow a large part of our food, raise a few chickens, cook every meal from scratch, and tend two special needs children and right now an ill husband . Just tired, just tired.

Sorry I ramble.
Sorta just opening my heart

You see if we share our weakness we then can pray for one another.
So hear...The I am .

I am open real and raw. Worn and trusting and waiting seeing/to see the glory of His working all these things out.
I see my sweet man feeling a little better this morning well not feeling but he sounds better. We both have horrid headaches. We both love and trust God.

Men however real men who care about the future of their families care about providing for them and the future needs. Some men just take it all on and find themselves fearing the future. This is the case of so many many men (and women) right now in our times.
Our men (and women) need our support and prayers our encouragement and our commitment to help in every way we can to that end. Yes of course trusting in Gods provision is right and imperative.

Ladies/Gentlemen come on lets us all pull together as do our part in the provision and be as Ruth and start gleaning those fields unashamedly!
This worldly view of shame is robbing us all blind. It makes us judge one another and ourselves. We look down upon those of us who out of necessity need to do so...We all ought to do so out of simple respect.

The temptation is to look at ourselves as if we should be embarrassed for getting off the wheel of consumerism. We have to call it "GOING GREEN" or "ECO FRIENDLY" we ought to have been green and friendly all along and not need some excuse to do so without shame. So now under these titles we can find a sense of pride...What about these efforts being made under a sweet humility?

We make excuses and give our self permissions to disrespect our means that God has provided through the income that he has provided and the jobs we have are taken for granted.

It is but by the grace of God that any of us even have what we have.
Humbly please respect the blessed lives we are so very privileged to live.
No it will not be easy...Being debt free takes great humility, even in the circle of the church. Debt is the excuse to save face. Just hold that face up high Yes it is hard it really is! I must hold my face up high.
Non of this..."I deserve to splurge" yet even in that the balance can be hard to find if rigidity sets in as it is temping for me to fall into.

Sober minded means looking honestly...If I go to tea is it within the budget? It was for me if it were not then I would have to say no. If we need to say no we need to be able to do so without being pressured into doing things we ought not.
So I hold you/me accountable to support one another in doing what is right. Make it easy and less temptatious to your fellow and to yourself...

choose what is right
:)

raised garden bed begins

A full day of hard labor...
My spirit is settled better and Monday I will attend to getting an appointment to change medication.
The one that I have been on is making my hair fall out and it is really freaking me out!

Good Morning and Evening too...

Yesterday
In all efforts toward reeling the kids away from the media and into the family goals I sat the three of us down and opened up the garden plans and purpose to them yesterday.
Laying all the seeds out in front of Dash I then gave Dove a sharpie marker and some baggies. I made a compass on the plans and helped them to identify the strategic locations of garden sections.
Dash then found the seed to go there and Dove added them together and put them in the labeled baggie.

After teaching then some of the process of discovery and study to provide the soils its needs as well as the specific plant. I hoped to open their eyes to what is going into the foods that we are growing. I explained to them that I had not been doing my job as a mom well enough because I had let them have too long a holiday. It was time that they become more active in the family efforts toward sustenance and learn some skills on care of home and property.

I took them then out to the clothes line and taught then how to hang a towel. I was able to patiently showed each of then (overlooking the muddy corner ) how to keep them off the ground. When they fetched them off the line they were overheard saying Oh we let them get crunchy "that's what she meant".

Yesterday was a very hard day from opening my eyes to the closing of them.
Just challenging in every way! The challenges were just a bit over the top!

We hit the sack around 9:30 and oh the morning came fast. During the night a bizarre thing happened.

I had a dream that an adversary of the enemy of my heart satan lower case intended...was hacking at my heart with a dagger and harshly spitting words demeaning words at my face. In my sleep I got mad should be said with a stronger word but for manners I'll say torqued! In my steep out my mouth in reality came...
"Get out of here !! In Jesus name! you GET!!NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! and awoke.

I was rather startled and laid there wondering if I really said it aloud had I awoke Steve. In a moment he got up to use the bathroom and never said a Word to me...I just laid there silent. He came back and laid down. He had ear plugs in.

I asked him this morning and yes he heard me but did not dicifer what I said and then when I said nothing more he just thought I talked in my sleep.

Oh morning!
It came fast today and I knew I had to use all the time I have wisely.
I wished I could rest but the heat hits hard and fast.
Slipping out the door and shoeing my feet I chugged a glass of water and went out to start the task.

Hot morning!

After an hour or so Steve came out to find me working hard.
He has recently been diagnosed with the thyroid issue. So I did not wake him to ask him for his help. He came out to say hi and probably regretted doing so.

Those block get heavy.
It really makes me feel my out of shape age.

We got the under lament in.
He lifted the brick for me and helped to get the under lament set.

So that was the morning ...
This day was full, Steve took Dash to Harbor freight and fixed the tires on the hand truck and the wheel barrow.
Dove and I worked on garden plans. While the boys were gone.
When they got back I took Dove to gain her desired toy with her Birthday money.
One errand and then to the Mall.
I had a real good talk with her.
She is so simple. It is scary.
I am trying to help her understand that not all folks (or better said few) are innocent and she is being taken advantage of by these two kids that play her like a puppet.

They were trying to get her to walk alone to the park. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
then they ridiculed her because they are allowed to by their parents...
Oh this is going to be a job needful of much wisdom.
It is one thing to raise a pre-teen another to raise a special needs 12 year old who is not cognitively aware of danger.
God will make me able it will be a ride I am sure.
He will have to keep her safe where I can not.

After we returned
We all four needed to go get the parts for the water tank hook up.
That was the next phase of a wonderful cloudy day.
Hard hard work all day.

Steve is the most creative.
Note the cooking strainer.
Or now called the tank stainer LOL

Silly guy is fun.
We worked so hard today!
Well with the weather like this we just felt compelled to go as long as we were able...I dug and used the nice sharp spade to out line the beds.
I also moved soil over to the raised beds.

This is why we just pressed on

I laid straw on the floor of the raised bed and then moved dirt over to cover.
The main garden is going to have sunken beds. The research I did proved to make good sense that the water would water the bed and not the path.

It was nice to sit and break up the clods and visit while he was on ladder and hooking up the tank.

The children were FORCED :) out side to play.
The media is like a terrible magnet we have to pull them of it.

The little fellow on the left is the raccoon that Dove sought out for today.
Cute little thing.

After left overs the kids are getting ready for bed
My arms hurt
My hands Hurt
My knee and calf and worthy of pain pill :)
My back is tired...

Such as it is when the race is done...

So yesterday...

We are left to think a few things...lack of rest for several nights...Migraine...hard day of parenting ie kids were a challenge.
Condemnation and inappropriate shame just plowed me over.
I was so embarrassed of my history meeting some new friends...nothing new.
but couple it with this demilenation issue I just was at a real low about myself.
I know that it is how God sees me that matters.
It is my weakness to forget even that.

I really really hate this forgetful problem.
I do have an appointment with the neurologist to review the Alzheimer stuff.
It is the hard things that we face.
If it were a broken leg...
If it were a cancer...
If it were a whatever...
but dementia possibilities
It is like I have a third eye or like I assume that folks might relate to me like I do.

I am just to intelligent to deal easily with the possibility of losing my mind to it.
Then there is the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that leaves me living in a vessel that reacts like everything is a threat. Yes this is a type of a chronic illness.
Now I can not just pray it away...that would be cool...He has removed so much of the effect of it. This is a life long process. I mentioned the murder the other day and it made the feelings flash through me in the sub conscious.
I just get too tired. My husband is suffering with being tired for he is ill with a recently thyroid condition...I am caring an extra load and have been for some while. My beloved is ill it is for me to lift his burden and carry some of his load.
We only have each other to do so.

I just got really over whelmed.

Dash has been having some issues related to his special needs.
Dove is also having the issues that put her in a danger due to her special needs.
My load is very heavy right now.
He is helping me so very much with provisions and ways but they are yet for me to do.
I have to keep eyes to the prize.
I was so embarrassed at my lack of self care...I took last evening and had an in home spa...Colored my own hair, and tended to my feet and legs.
It did uplift me to see a little attention to the vessels details.

I am sorry if I worried you.
Thank you for your prayers.

I love being a wife and friend.
mother. teacher of the young ones
gardener, cook and keeper of the estate.
To whom much is given much is required.

I got too lonely with the Demilenation/ dementia? issue
Tired from all the things required of me
and thoughts of asault on my esteem those battles of the mind.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I just had non of my own strength left
and there was more much more required of me.

The onslaught

Today
my day was to the slaughter

on·slaught (nslôt, ôn-)

n.

1. A violent attack.

2. An overwhelming outpouring: an onslaught of third-class mail.

---

[Alteration (influenced by obsolete slaughte, slaughter) of Dutch aanslag, a striking at, from Middle Dutch aenslach : aen-, on; see an- in Indo-European roots + slach, a striking.]

---

onslaught

Noun

a violent attack [Middle Dutch aenslag]

ThesaurusLegend: Synonyms Related Words Antonyms

Noun	1.	onslaught - a sudden and severe onset of trouble trouble - an event causing distress or pain; "what is the trouble?"; "heart trouble"
	2.	onslaught - (military) an offensive against an enemy (using weapons); "the attack began at dawn" attack, onrush, onset military operation, operation - activity by a military or naval force (as a maneuver or campaign); "it was a joint operation of the navy and air force" ground attack - an attack by ground troops assault - close fighting during the culmination of a military attack charge - an impetuous rush toward someone or something; "the wrestler's charge carried him past his adversary"; "the battle began with a cavalry charge" banzai attack, banzai charge - a mass attack of troops without concern for casualties; originated by Japanese who accompanied it with yells of `banzai' diversionary attack, diversion - an attack calculated to draw enemy defense away from the point of the principal attack penetration, incursion - an attack that penetrates into enemy territory blitzkrieg, blitz - a swift and violent military offensive with intensive aerial bombardment strike - an attack that is intended to seize or inflict damage on or destroy an objective; "the strike was scheduled to begin at dawn" counterattack, countermove - an attack by a defending force against an attacking enemy force in order to regain lost ground or cut off enemy advance units etc. bombing, bombardment - an attack by dropping bombs firing, fire - the act of firing weapons or artillery at an enemy; "hold your fire until you can see the whites of their eyes"; "they retreated in the face of withering enemy fire" strafe - an attack of machine-gun fire or cannon fire from a low flying airplane; "the next morning they carried out a strafe of enemy airfields" coup de main, surprise attack - an attack without warning armed forces, armed services, military, military machine, war machine - the military forces of a nation; "their military is the largest in the region"; "the military machine is the same one we faced in 1991 but now it is weaker"
	3.	onslaught - the rapid and continuous delivery of linguistic communication (spoken or written); "a barrage of questions"; "a bombardment of mail complaining about his mistake" barrage, bombardment, outpouring language, linguistic communication - a systematic means of communicating by the use of sounds or conventional symbols; "he taught foreign languages"; "the language introduced is standard throughout the text"; "the speed with which a program can be executed depends on the language in which it is written" onslaught noun attack, charge, campaign, strike, rush, assault, raid, invasion, offensive, blitz, onset, foray, incursion, onrush, inroad << href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/retreat">retreat Without defense I am left battered and low of esteem 1de·fen·sive Pronunciation: \di-ˈfen(t)-siv, ˈdē-ˌ\ Function: adjective Date: 14th century 1: serving to defend or protect <defensive fortifications> I awoke without defense fatigued from lack of sleep, tender of mind. No helmet i have become worn out. Yes I am running this race but today was a hill shale underfoot and in my mind no side line water to refresh my soul Convinced that those that might offer a friendship see me as unworthy of such. My Husband prayed over me before he left. My parenting suffered and then the effects of such left me stumbling over the stones laid across my path. I could not even raise a knee to hurdle these things. A nap and then again the onslaught. Steve is going to take me for a walk around the block. My head hurts and the storms oh those storms...

Thank you all for coming by for a visit

Wow I hit 40000 visitors !!!!!!!!

Thankful Thrusday

It is now 9:30 p.m.

Wow!
Well 12 hours ago we were getting ourselves ready to run out the door.

My sweet MIlove and FILove watched the kids and I had an adventure to a distant part of the city to meet some of the most honorable women .
We all had a wonderful lunch together full of tales of the marvel of intervention and relation with and by a loving Creator.
It was so wonderful to be with all of you today.

Thank you Charlotte
I snatched these and the addresses I trust you would not mind.
Left to right is Debbie of Heart Choices, Mary at Piles of Smiles, Michele at Beelieve You Can, Sherry of Country Wings in Phoenix, Donetta of A Life Uncommon, and Marty of A Stroll Thru Life. Charlotte took this picture so is not in it. Marty took the picture below.
To the left is Charlotte of At Home in Scottsdale


The meeting was held in an area of town that caused me to pass by the first home my husband and I had ever shared.
This home we lived in from 1982-1986
This was my first safe home

I can still recall those trees and being on my knees planting daffodils as a young bride.
My I came home with many gifts
I only had wished that I would have followed the Goose (Holy Spirit) when I saw to bring some earrings to give but low my head managed to find it's way back to my pillow and a little of the book of Matthew took me back off into a sleep.
Dash awoke me very carefully setting down the Bible and asking for a Book mark.
I did not have one at hand to give him and he found a string and carefully placed it.

The sweet blue bag held my favorite vanilla candle I love that fragrance.
That was so generous and kind of you to think of all of us. She gifted us each with the bags a note card set and a sweet stamp.

Now that hat box has a tradition that Michele had started and I do believe that I will continue.
She used it for the gifts of raffle and tokens of offering kindnesses to hearts.
She no longer has the purpose for it so it will now follow the path it had set before. I believe it will have a special place.
The little book was what I chose from the hat box it as it was passed the table round.
Then at the end as it (the hat box) was all alone on the floor.
I pointed to her of it as for her not to forget it.
It was remembered in telling me the story then gifted to me to take home.
Thank you
I will remember you in it.
The thoughtfulness of a new friend.
The bookmark was provided at lunch.
Look at what she made for each of us.
So very Very thoughtful!
Thank you.
My head yet spins with all of your names it will come.
I know you by your hearts and your stories.

I fetched the children after a stop for the seed for garden planting. The spade there was $
So I passed.
My FILOve gave me HIS!
I have the spade I need now to continue!

My sweet MILove knowing my fondness for these knitted clothes set me along with two more.
Look at the beautiful color!

So After Steve and I sat for a meal of left over fair.
I took a picture and lit the candle only to have the three dollars that Dash earned from Granpa burn a whole in his pocket I took him to the drug store alone for a little one on one. I shared my concern of the consumerism with him. Asked him to think about not giving all his money to those who sell him stuff.

Then Dove had her turn.
She received a check from her Aunt and Uncle
Thank you T& L&H&A!
She was very happy.
I took her to a bank to cash it and she had a lesson in the need to prove who we are.
She got a movie yes of course the Jonas Brothers.

We are now a quiet house and Steve has retired.
It is now my turn to do the same the morning light comes all too soon.

What a wonderful life I live.
Thank you all for enriching my day with your presence and the full wealth of the company of honorable women.

On Gardening and Making choices

Can ya' dig it!

I'll post more specific on the Bee Bliss Blog
but for now suffice it to say I am just in and cooling down and drying out:)

Goodness it is hot at 8:30 a.m. I got two good hours hard work done though.

After study of the plans I see the priorities and began.
this after the morning bread loaves needed to be sliced and packaged.
I covered them with a towel overnight.
Steve said sorta like running a race and walking the last few yards. I asked him not to let me get away with it next time.

So yesterday I spoke with a fellow for higher to deliver a soil mixture.
It was after budget review that perhaps next month...
Anyhow I need to get that bed ready it would be nice to hire him for that but it is not a doable option.
So this needs to go through a process of digging it down 2 ft and amending it.
I might get some help if Steve gets to feeling better. Little by little i must be very careful.

Morning harvest the last of the moon and stars.
However I did harvest the seed from the best melon and have it drying so if any of you would like some let me know.
I only used 9 seeds for all of that.
However these cost me $3. for those 9 seeds.
Moon and stars is an old Amish melon heirloom variety.

I found this one lone last carrot he was under the melon vines when I tuned the soil I was a bit stunned and pleased too.
I'll put it in the cabbage for the slaw today.

The rolls were good I had one with my coffee.
It was whole wheat with only the butter/brown sugar, raisins soaked in OJ and the walnuts crushed and thin chopped.
simple and yummy a little plane for I forgot to add the spice or well just did not add it. Some days I just do as I do. Not a recipe for them just the doing of it to the other side of the project. There is no cinnamon or spice...they are a nice pure flavor of the walnut and raisin. Went well with the coffee.

You know This zero balance budget is so cool...The old me would of just had that soil delivered (still might later) but the thought process and the goals tend to make you really look at the options and search for the solutions that would just be left aside for the simple.
The quick and easy, simple and fast has sold us into slavery ya know.
A free man has options, choices and opinions.

That made me think of the gift given by my husband so many years ago...
The tool to use when your making a choice.

List the pros/cons on top of a sheet op paper for each option.

example
Yellow or Blue

yellow
pro/con

blue
pro/con

You will soon see that every choice has its pros and cons
The choice will depend on what your willing to give up to gain

Or what your willing to gain if you let something else go.

Choice it is a wonderful thing.
Now seeing the cons that involve issues tender...that is the evidence of where maturity is needed what to focus on in your personal growth.
Then Study to show yourself approved.
Some risks well they bear great costs and once you have made the choice that has cost you dearly....
You can look back and remember that reason why you chose to do it.
Some choices are so very painful even when it is the right choice for you to do.
Remember though to do your best to explore every option.
Many times the color is not just a yellow or a blue to consider but the whole of the spectrum often reveling options we would have never even considered or that we were blind to.

garden and bread with a loud scream added in.

Look at that Water!
At 5 a.m. it began to thunder and lightening striking hard
by 7 a.m. .55 or 1/2 inch of hard rain in my area
gotta get that tank hooked up!
It may rain again tonight

Little man got a rain by plucking the clothes lines over his head

Yes that is water!
eureka!

Filled the bird bath
this was the first good rain in some time.

Well after studying the layout I am just fickle but I am not liking that height
Even single height it is too hard to reach back to the wall.So I tried a couple of methods.

Dash was so happy with the soft straw underfoot.
He is having a hard time understanding why I am dismantling the garden.
Time is come to begin again. We still have one large watermelon and a small one, one large musk melon too. They will need to be harvested soon.
I have to remove all that straw to prep the right side bed.

My though here was to set the grape plants into these like a planter to keep the nitrogen levels at the appropriate levels.

I am in the market for a short handled spade.
It is to set this bed up for the squash summer/winter, cucumber pickling and slicing and tomato to the far right.

The trellis will need to be shifted to the east side wall for the next crop of beans.

This is not going to work for me I am going back to my original plan.
So often this happens and I prove an idea out and then often go back to it.
So where the grass is killed in the center lawn is where the bed is going.
That gives access to both sides and the lawn cut with a weed eater.
Steve pointed out in agreement and mentioned that the heat off the wall might prove harsh anyway.

Now watch out panda bear is on his way to Mars to hunt the polar end caps for water...:)

Look at that wasted space even if I did this It would be hard on my back to bend and reach to the wall.
I have decided one layer high will be much easier.

Even with this configuration I am just not happy.
I think I will go back to my center bed with access on both sides.
It was thought the mowing of the grass would be an issue yet either way we will need to pull the weed eater in there so It is back to the beginning plan.

Later an hour of that this morning spent me.

Missing the morning deadline I began the breads a bit late.

Dash came in the room and I pointed the dough out to him and said" look that dough is sure happy"
He said..."a little too happy if you ask me"

I got a kick out of him.

half whole wheat
three loaf and some sweet rolls

Hamburgers for the late lunch set for happy children.
The other loaf is the daily bread for the kids...it is a white loaf.

So I sit and relax a bit...
the kids watching a movie make for a moment of me time.

I tried a sweet roll with orange juice soaked raisins and walnuts with brown sugar and butter. So with all this tucked in I will be baking in a higher price time of use. With all my good efforts ...perfection will not be a demand upon me.

Dove you are a wonderful child.
She was so hoping to have her friend sleep over (not something I offer normally) but the sweet child with a loss of security had to go home with her tummy in knots.
We were dropping her off in an apartment complex and a huge pickup came barreling into the driveway...I screamed! I thought he was going to hit the car head on with the kids and I in it and the mother and other child just to the passenger side. I really startled myself I had been talking to the mother and then just looked over at that moment. I really frightening me.
I said to the mother...
"that scared the bee jee bee's out of me!"
She replied
"I know I just saw those little bee jee bees fly right out of you and twitter off in a hurry"
It really was sweet and well humored. Saved face. I really screamed loudly.

Me thinks a bit of the PTSD was lit up. I have had a headache all day and rather lethargic. It showed me I am still scared inside. That and that truck really just caught out of the corner of my eye with a headlight right in my face...was going WAY too fast.

It may rain again tonight.