gardening woes...on moving

I dug in the earth at the side yard and tapped into the deep soil that I am made off.

gardening woes...Wow I am in a hard place emotionally today.
I am in the grieving of moving in that season of grief where anger is stirred. I am mad that I need to take time out in my life to box all of my life up too wait for the next home to live again. I am going to have to break down the kids art stuff and it is hard for me to do. It is a job that I have had challenges with all along. I have tried all the tricks I know of and no matter what it is just a hassle and a mess. These drawers are the bane of my husbands existence. Mine also, in some ways. Who ever designed these drawers made junk! they do not stay in the slots and all alteration and repair proves futile. I have to let go or store the things I do keep some how. The kids just destroy all the organization I effort. I have just thrown up my hands in frustration. I hate not having it the way I like. Organized. Kids do not organize, mine don't.
each drawer is labeled!


I went out to the side yard and pulled weeds. I am so angry that I stopped gardening too. I am just a mess today! I turned the soil and was just empowered with my hands in the dirt. I felt so much frustration at ignoring the very core of who I am in this. I NEED to garden and have my hands int the dirt! This is a priority in the next house! I must have some raised beds. I am angry that the stinosis (narrowing of my spine) in my low spine will not allow me to work the earth the way I want too! I can not kneel either because of my knee!
I must have earth to dig in and grow flowers in. It felt so good in my hands that it stirred up anger that I had neglected this part of who I am for so so long.


I packed all my cook books today with the echoes of my husbands voice telling me I could find all I need on line (he really did not say this I just thought it) . I love the possessions of book! I am nuts! I rarely pick one up but I am crazed at putting them in boxes. I am addicted to my stuff, Lord help me. I know He is teaching me, but it is not comfortable and I am imperfect and venting!

My Son is wanting a party and I know I'll have to do it at a park because it will be the easiest way to do it. I am going to miss the house and all the crazy social stuff it brings. I have pride living here. It is a pride that comes with ownership of a large fancy house. It is a real thorn right now. I saw the kids on the sidewalk when I pulled in and thought how much I liked giving my kids such a fancy neighbor hood. I have to let go of that and my flesh is riled up and angry about it. I know that it is folly it is just a real thing I have to face.

Dove is a reporter posed for her picture. How much of her life am I missing out on just to get to a place of freedom financially. This is not going to be easy people. I the fore runner will forge a trail and it will be seared with hot ash today this is hard! I have no idea how long this will take , if it will sell, or even if we can find a decent place for what we can buy outright. Man my faith is shaking today. I listened to a tape about the sell of our first home 22 years ago and the stupid thing stopped before the house sold and I was really let down. I wanted to hear about Gods wonders in it. I was really disappointed.
In the scriptures it says that we are to think on and speak of the things that you have seen and heard in Him... I NEED That right now from all of you!
So if you can tell me about the things the wonders you have seen Him do it would really help me...Please