Fearless Friday

 

 Today I could sure use your prayers and thankful hearts for I know I am blessed. Every trial is a blessing and a gift to gain a greater capacity to love my self so that maturity to be able to love others likewise might develop.I know this .Praise is coming hard when pain and sorrow come to challenge me.  I saw a shooting star this morning. It had been my prayer to get to see the meteor shower. At 5 a.m. I awoke and thought to get outside. No easy task for I can barley walk.I was standing out in the grass. Felt so wobbly and my lab kept leaning on me and doing my best to steady myself I stood and watched.  You see even in that moment I knew that it was that my desire was heard and I awoke in time to see one last shooting star before the dawn. 
but...I sat on the sofa and nodded off for a very few moments to a dog (the golden) barking at the doggy door too unwilling to push the flap. I had to get up twice and by then I was angry, pained so that it frustrated me. I did not want the dogs to disturb my beloveds last few minutes of sleep.
Counting it all joy has not meant being happy, or unafraid, or not even being angry. I know I am so blessed to have the interventions of all these needles piercing my body. I know that there are so so many who suffer, truly suffer daily with the bones that hold us in this rheum.In this gratitude I am sad not really feeling sorry for myself but sad for my family, children my beloved husband. He stands beside me watched me cringe as needles once again caused a pain before the gain. I am told by a relative that it is to be stoic a matter of not entering into self indulgence. Yet I am not a woman of masks. As ugly as it might be freely said this is lonely.I know I am not alone.
This morning unable to help the kids much even in that I can see that independence is a good thing for them. Thinking though of life in their shoes so to speak again sorrow touched me. Counting it in all things that God is for me, us.  It is coming harder today as I sit here. Sit and enjoy a cool home, a full belly and the privilege of a nice computer and those who are around me both physical and in the midst of the shadows surrounding me. 
It is that my heart desires to hold fast to gratitude and praise fondly embracing He who is embracing me. I want to cry I want to be sad yet I do not. The suffering around the world is fierce and tremendous. This my meager pains pale but yet they are mine to experience. Just sorta wish they were not.
Please stand with me as it is my heart not to crumble but to stand within my heart for this is only a tempary pain. This whole of life is only temparary. I wish it could be longer than that. That time were a vacant threat. Children grow so quickly.
Today my son said..."I wonder what heaven looks like"?
"it is I believe not only a place to go but a place within me" was my reply.Please support me in this that the place within me remains a heaven in His presence as I struggle to simply abide.