Thursday, May 7, 2009

Mothers Day

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In 2000
I had done a bible study on The commandment
"Honor Your Mother and Father in the Lord, this with a promise that it will go well with you upon the earth.

I was to be made ready to do one of the most courageous acts of Obedience in my Christian Walk.

On the Life Restored Blog is much of my life story...
Lets talk a bit about
Ruby Marie my Mother...

A young girl who at the age of 4 saw her white K_K_K father murder her Cherokee mother ( a slave in the hills of Tennessee in the 1910's) and cut her up and bury her in the yard.
Evidence was far to easy to hide in the hills.
My dear mother would be beaten if she ever went near that played....

Hard stuff yes.

My Mother told me at almost the last visit to "tell, tell all"

She told me that after I had visited her once...
Then a second time.
I was estranged from her for many years so that I could recover those things I suffered at her, and many others hands.
Hurt people hurt people...often those people happen to be their own children.

At 13 she was sold to a man who was 32.
She was sold for a house full of furniture.
That man was a leader in the 3K's and he had a 18 month old baby that was left after his its mother was deceased.

My Mother gave birth to twins soon after where the first born male was found dead on the kitchen table after on of their "meetings"
Not an uncommon event in those days.
For he was a part of ceremony.
The infant was part Indian.

My elder sister (the twin) and I are 18 years apart.
It was she who came back into my life while I was in hospital with flash backs.
She was the one who really saved me she confirmed the flash backs were a reality.

My Mom had sought healing in her last couple of years.
The therapist was working with my sister and refused to work with my mom at the same time.

My mother went on to bear 8 children in all
Marriage after marriage I think 8-9 in all.
She out living her last who was a Veteran.

So here I was after years of vowing She would NEVER touch my child...
Asked by God to forgive her and to even go to her at the nursing home.

I obeyed acting as if I was visiting Jesus himself.
That is how I began the maturity of healing with this spirit of a human.
Who had been locked into the darkness from such an early age.

I literally pretended I was visiting a prisoner.
After two visits it was Christmas time.
I allowed Dove this close not any closer to her.
I cried a river.

She got to see my daughter but I never allowed her to hold her.
This a vow I had made to God when He gifted me with Dove.
I was still healing for the things at her hand are unspeakable.

I forgave her.

I honored the OFFICE of Mother.
The woman I could not honor , But that was not what I was asked to do.
The scripture taught me to honor the OFFICE so that it would go well with me.

In doing so I was freed to become the best Mother I could be.
If I would have held hate or un forgiveness toward that office
I would then have disgraced it.

It would have taught my children to disgrace it also, it would have passed to generations.

As you can see by my posture it was excruciating for me to be in her presence.

She repeated what she knew.
She set me up to so many pedophiles that it took many years to recover.

I am telling you this for it is in seeing through "the human doing" that we might be compelled into the holy of holiest where we can see the heart.

This is my Daughter during that time.
Little and I kept her from my own Mother.
My skin would crawl in her presence.

Obedience is far more important than sacrifice.
That obedience set me free to forgive.
Never to forget, but yes forgive.
I saw her consequence of choice in her life.
The execution of hell tearing apart any hope of a life from her very beginning.

I had the support of one brother.
He was a help.
He understood my boundary and guarded me my vow.
I was kind yes, but kept distant.
How I wept the loss.
I never had a Mother.
I had a wounded child rise me.
A Mentally Ill Mom.

Dove was her second to the last (Dash being her last) of almost 30 grand children.
She never met Dash.
She spent her later years estranged from almost all of her children.

Dash was born two weeks after her death...
Ironic isn't it.

I was a newly wed bride, she and my sister moved here to be close.
My husband had to set a boundary and disallowed me to speak to her for two weeks.
She had total mind control over me.
It was unbearable.
It was the best thing he ever did.
She would have bled us dry in so many many ways.
The dear woman was a master manipulator, but she was able to get her needs met through "victim Mortar"

We tried a few times to share our lives but every time it would lead me to a very tenuous emotional state.
I had to part ways.
I thought I would die.
I had to walk away from my own Mother so that I could stay among the living.
Think of it.

This sweet kind Jeckle and Hyde was my dear Mother.
The pain, fear, anger, sorrow,and guilt of being her daughter
has made me an amazing woman.

She gave me that!
Her kind side is where my hands learned to be open.
Never a Veteran would ever go unnoticed.
To this day I hold that as a priority in the presence of one who served my great country.
I am one patriotic woman.
If our Flag ever to fall I run to stop it from touching the ground.

I got that from her too.
When she was 12 her dad refused to buy her shoes to be able to attend school.

It was in the early thirty's that the Nazi's came to hold groups in the cities trying to recruit kids after the depression.
They would hold great rallies where they would salute hitler
(lower case intended)

She was terrified.
It was understood that if the street gang knew you were not with them...
Well strong 3xK's in the area.
She knew what her dad and the group were capable of.
There was no escape for her.

My parents shown here divorced when I was an infant.
I took pride in doing the "right thing" and invited them to our wedding.
It was the first time they had contact of any manner in 20 years.
It was the first time I had been with her in a two years.

I honored her at me wedding.
It was so hard.
Do you know the bigotry against fat people...
I was raised with it in my ear!
I still have to hear it now and again and I hate it!

Growing up was hard
She worked at the gas station 12-15 hours a day and my step dad was a violent man.
He was crazy. Yes literally with an illness treated with penicillin.
I turned hard...
I worked from the time I was 9...Now I can see she was trying to keep me attended.
I slept very little, was not allowed to do homework...
Now you know why My Education is so important to me.
It is a promise I gave myself.

It was not always that way...
I tried to be her friend...but I was an extension of her beauty.
She had no self.
I was her, I had NO self.
I was paraded around as if she deserved (thirsted for) all the accolades.

I was called by God to go to her again the following February.
It was Valentines day...
It was a tough day...I could not find her and thought for 5 minutes that she had died, but they had moved her into another room.

She was incoherent.
I told her that we were going back to Russia to get Dash.
she began to relive the "dead son of hers, she said that..."the Doctor said to just keep her pregnant and she wont miss it (the baby)."
My mother said ..."I did not kill him, they did."
Dove was with me and so I left to get her away from there.

A few days later I heard God say Get prepared she will be going home soon...
I called my MOLove and asked her if...she was available to care for Dove.

I received a call.
I rode with her to the hospice...

The Gift My Mother Gave me...

"Momma if you can hear me and your with God tell Him what you might like me to sing to you...I can hear Him"
Out of my mouth came.
"She'll be comin' round the Mountain when she comes...
She'll be comin round the mountain when she comes...
She'll be comin round the mountain
She'll be comin round the mountain
She'll be comin round the mountain
when she comes.

We'll all go out to meat her
When she comes

We'll kill the old red roster when she comes...

We'll all have chicken and dumpling when she comes...

She will be riding six white horses when she comes...
This I came to learn from an elder sibling some time later was her favorite song.


My dear readers she gifted me with her last word...

Donetta, God Bless You Donetta

She is my Mother...I love her...

I am a Better Mother having known her.
The spirit of a shell of a woman.
My Mother...


Denise said...

Bless you for sharing your precious heart, I love you.

Amrita said...

God enabled you to forgive your Mom and make peace with her after suffering so much.

You are God 's workmanship Donetta . The past has gone, everything has become new.

Your MIL is a beautiful lady.
Happy Mother ' Day to youi and your MIL

Susie said...

Wow! What a powerful post!! I am so moved by your story!

It is hard growing up with mental illness. This is my story too however, my pain lives with me now. I had to dig really deep to turn forgiveness into caregiving.

I hate it everyday but it is something I must do. I have to care for the person who could not/would not care for me. I medicate myself with food and as a result, I am 100 lbs. overweight. The weight of the world it seems.

Thank you for finding the words (and the images) to express how truly, truly hard this type of forgiveness is. In that, I find strength to care another day.

~Bren~ said...

You are my hero.

Denise said...

The Father God brings such GREAT things out of ashes....... It is HIS business to take a beautiful soul which is broken and dying and not mend it but make it whole and give it new life. That is what HE does, and HE does it perfect. To give a heart the ability to forgive after such grief is only HIS doing. HE does not love , HE is love. HE restores to the place that the scars might be visible but there is no pain. Such a testimony to HIS love....... You are who you are because of HIS love and not because of the pain.

You are Beautiful ...........

Angie said...

I am speechless at what you have endured...God takes our history...our past lives---even the torment---and forms for us a destiny that is "out of this world!"

Your open heart ---though I am sure---raw from re-living it all---will bless so many. My mind right now goes to a certain woman that I love---that refuses to acknowledge the pain of her past---therefore she is still locked up inside those bars of emotional and physical torment--she is not completely free...I hope she will come here this weekend and read your heart's words.

I love you dear Donetta.

JUST A MOM said...

I know how hard this post was to write BUT I ALSO know how blessed you are right now for writing it. Love you I will be getting a new hot water tank in the morning but anytime after that I think I am good call and make sure you do not head over to find em not here,,,,

Annette said...

You are such a woman of God, and I know this post had to stir up some horrible feelings, and I'm so sorry for your pain you had growing up, you where just a child, and you should of been acting like a child, but your mom knew no better, it sounds like she lived in hell too, to be sold for furniture, but, back in those days that's what they did, I guess, is OK? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I looked at her face in the 12 photo and all I could do was feel mad at her, then I reminded myself NOT to judge, but how can you not when someone has been so hurt by someone? I look at your wedding picture and you don't even look happy sweetie, but all this hell you've been through had made you an AWESOME mom, a LOVING wife,a KIND friend and most of all, A BEAUTIFUL person all the way around, you forgave her, and that my friend made God happy and the angels rejoice,God takes away those nasty scars in your heart with his love for YOU!!!!!

Older women likewise teach the younger women...

• how to love their husbands
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)

Blog Archive

By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.

  • A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
  • The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
  • Return with Honor
  • The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
  • “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
  • "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
  • "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"

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e patterns My sister told me of this site

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This was given to me for the third time in just a few weeks.

Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."

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