Good everning

I think I am eshausted tonight.
I have such a strange mood.
such a busy day...not a free moment literally for 6 am to 4pm then a play date over and that kid left at 5:30
Steve walked in the door at 5:45 hungry and I battling with a can opener and a phone that was ringing and ringing, the machine catching the call, so the kids who were doing homework could finish. It was the same kid hung up 1st time , left msg 2 nd time then called again all back to back dialing as fast as she hung up!
At the end of the spelling test for Dash and the blender grinding the beens at last it rang again! a different kid!
I just came undone.

Telling Steve I was tired , he not realizing the place I was in seamed to be indifferent to me.
I do not subscribed to this "pretence" of prov 33 fake greeting of "Hi sweet heart smile", and force a perky attitude.

I was tired ,worn and wanting for some tenderness.

I truely do believe the proverb model. yet today my cup was empty.
Asthma kept me up all last night. That and allergies.

I feel the many in the circle around me to be a bit indifferent to my feelings and the tenderness of my heart.
I see the things that around me displease me and good old prov wife I keep still and pray.
When I am tired it wears me out to do so.

I feel angry tonight and hurt and worn out. grieved and hurt . there are three women who have recently in there pain struck out at the air and I was in the midst of it, the fallout upon me.

Others have misunderstood the care and protection I express.
Still others judge me wrong as if It were a pleasure to offer hard news. News that killed me to present, news that scared me to the core over the fear of "doing it wrong". Yet I did what was required of me with as much kindness and tenderness as I could .
It seems I am a target for the hurt and exhalations of so many.
Normally I sorta think well "hurt people hurt people"
I must be pretty safe to be treated with such disregard.

Honestly though ,
I think tonight in my fatigue my hurt has lost that veil.
It is raw and exposed.
so in that i become even more vulnerable to more hurt.

I better just go get some strength and then do something to fill my cup up.

I hurts though so...when those I love those who's care is at the forefront of my mind for ...assume I am anything other than who I am...
To be true to who I am I just hold all in. Never an apology received by some they are just safe enough to come back to the safe rock and receive from my offerings of care only to target again the safe one when they act out.


I could say I just dont understand it, but the thing is I do.
thats love , that is my choice to love. to hurt to deal with the insults and the misconceptions and yet to be unwavering. I can not fill everyone's needs. I am going to let expectation upon me down.

I am hurting so badly over the loss of my nephews promise and potential. The life that could of been lived and the joy that not only he but all those that he loved could have known in and through him. Not only him but the others , lives compromised and lost to the dragon of this world and the error of hearts hurt.

So this post may be error as well.
I am tired of being treated as if I do not bleed. My veins run a bit dry tonight.

for those of you who offer me kindnesses, you are a balm. thank you.