Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Good everning

I think I am eshausted tonight.
I have such a strange mood.
such a busy day...not a free moment literally for 6 am to 4pm then a play date over and that kid left at 5:30
Steve walked in the door at 5:45 hungry and I battling with a can opener and a phone that was ringing and ringing, the machine catching the call, so the kids who were doing homework could finish. It was the same kid hung up 1st time , left msg 2 nd time then called again all back to back dialing as fast as she hung up!
At the end of the spelling test for Dash and the blender grinding the beens at last it rang again! a different kid!
I just came undone.

Telling Steve I was tired , he not realizing the place I was in seamed to be indifferent to me.
I do not subscribed to this "pretence" of prov 33 fake greeting of "Hi sweet heart smile", and force a perky attitude.

I was tired ,worn and wanting for some tenderness.

I truely do believe the proverb model. yet today my cup was empty.
Asthma kept me up all last night. That and allergies.

I feel the many in the circle around me to be a bit indifferent to my feelings and the tenderness of my heart.
I see the things that around me displease me and good old prov wife I keep still and pray.
When I am tired it wears me out to do so.

I feel angry tonight and hurt and worn out. grieved and hurt . there are three women who have recently in there pain struck out at the air and I was in the midst of it, the fallout upon me.

Others have misunderstood the care and protection I express.
Still others judge me wrong as if It were a pleasure to offer hard news. News that killed me to present, news that scared me to the core over the fear of "doing it wrong". Yet I did what was required of me with as much kindness and tenderness as I could .
It seems I am a target for the hurt and exhalations of so many.
Normally I sorta think well "hurt people hurt people"
I must be pretty safe to be treated with such disregard.

Honestly though ,
I think tonight in my fatigue my hurt has lost that veil.
It is raw and exposed.
so in that i become even more vulnerable to more hurt.

I better just go get some strength and then do something to fill my cup up.

I hurts though so...when those I love those who's care is at the forefront of my mind for ...assume I am anything other than who I am...
To be true to who I am I just hold all in. Never an apology received by some they are just safe enough to come back to the safe rock and receive from my offerings of care only to target again the safe one when they act out.


I could say I just dont understand it, but the thing is I do.
thats love , that is my choice to love. to hurt to deal with the insults and the misconceptions and yet to be unwavering. I can not fill everyone's needs. I am going to let expectation upon me down.

I am hurting so badly over the loss of my nephews promise and potential. The life that could of been lived and the joy that not only he but all those that he loved could have known in and through him. Not only him but the others , lives compromised and lost to the dragon of this world and the error of hearts hurt.

So this post may be error as well.
I am tired of being treated as if I do not bleed. My veins run a bit dry tonight.

for those of you who offer me kindnesses, you are a balm. thank you.

4 comments:

Corey~living and loving said...

I am extremely sorry for you pain. I wish peace and love for you, Donetta.

hugs!

Denise said...

I am so sorry sweetie, I love you.

Annette said...

I'm sorry....wish I could be there for you to talk to or cry on my shoulder, but I am only an e~mail away...and we as a mother & wife, have ALLOT on our plates and our cups do run dry from time to time and it does seem like no one understands just exactly what we're feeling or going through, and your so right it's draining physically and mentally. My Amanda is sick today with her allergies, she's running a high fever, she's got ebestainbars,(spelling is wrong) so what might be a small thing to me, is huge on her. I wish you the warmth of sunshine on your pretty face, and peace in that beautiful soul you have.
Hugs to you sweet friend~
Annette

Accidental Mommy said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, I've noticed how hard you have been working. You are so strong. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in things they take the strength of others for granted without meaning to or giving it much thought. I hope you were able to get some rest.

Older women likewise teach the younger women...

• how to love their husbands
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)

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By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.

  • A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
  • The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
  • Return with Honor
  • The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
  • "HOME IS WHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS"
  • “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
  • "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
  • "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"

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e patterns My sister told me of this site

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Amy has clicked her heals and flown to her real home. There is no place like home.

This was given to me for the third time in just a few weeks.

Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."

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