Little Dove in a Lie, oh the web we weave.

Last week little Dove was teased and made to kiss a boy. I was told that the other child was also extorting $5 if she did not give it she would be hung from the slide ,dropped and pounced on, that they were holding her by her finger and surrounding her as to get her out on the play ground to hurt her. She also told us that she was teased about being Russian and adopted.
I went to the school the next morning after keeping her out of that morning class and reported that to the teacher and she called me today to tell me that she had reported it to the principle.
She was to call the other parent of the gang leader to report the issue.

Tonight Little Dove heard along with dad and Dash Hawk the report of these things.
She then recanted the parts about the things in italics. I am so happy she came clean of course. She is now transcribing letters of apology to the three children and the teacher. She was just told that she will also be writing one to the principle. She freaked about getting kicked out for lying. I told her not for telling the truth she might get a little lecture though.
This is such a great lesson for her character and Steve and I slipped each other a hidden little smile. May she learn well, and bear the consequence of her actions with courage and dignity. To bear false witness is a BIG DEAL!

It was not OK to be teased or to be forced to kiss a boy, nor was it OK to exaggerate the truth.

POST SCRIPT

Little Dove practice great courage, eagerly looking forward to righting her wrong. She was afraid but wanted to get things aright. I was so glad to see that in her character.
What a fantastic lesson for her. I was able to handle myself so well that I had no shame I did not from rage at the teacher or the kids. I had expressed great concern over the other child if in deed she was extorting at nine years old.
The teacher and principle were both glad of it and the principle still was to keep Little Dove away from the leader of the pack. My Little Dove just follows like a tender dove to the slaughter. This is the hardest thing about her special needs.

The " Got a job offer" STRESS!

Last night ignition! Blast off ! here we go again!

Hubby had a temp offer for a job up in MT, All the peace and resolve left me for several hours. I got excited at the thought of maybe... I looked at houses and the kids got hopeful.. Reality is that it is most likely a temp. job not one with benefits. The offer even had a side line "poverty with a view"
I got angry again and thought about what I had read in James about my own selfish ambition bringing strife with the end of it sin. I had visited this trial and saw the fruit of it once, more than once. Then now again I saw the heat of irrational emotion rob me of my Yes=Yes and no=no. If we were offered 60k plus moving expense and benefits we would go. Otherwise it would be our loss to do so . Fact is without a miracle it is not likely to happen.
I went to beloved angry all but accusing him. Man again sin "ME I WANT GIVE ME" over powered me to the point of losing all my wisdom and falling headlong into my emotion. The fact is that WE have realized that for us the most important thing to stand by wise council and choice. To live and enjoy what has been afforded us is our best choice. I do not want to be governed by my emote!
I had a peace that up until then was really nesting in and realizing that the dream of forest for me was one to let go off in order to heal the things that were really my issues. Running into the thought of "the forest " kept me from the responsibly and pain of addressing the issues, trials and battles I have here this day to do. I would so rather let my mind go to a numbing fantasy that "it will all be better if I live in the trees". I thought only of all the positive of the forest and any negative addressed would anger me (they hindered the numbing of the fantasy).
Truth is I will still be me. I will still have the same issues and new ones to boot. I will live. It is here for now and one day perhaps there, But I have (we) 14 more earning years or so. I have two small kids who have allot of medical needs ( my pears are now grandparents). Health Ins. is a must. I have to walk this road there is no escaping it ( it is the path we have chosen). I need to take the kids to therapies, and deal with threats of ushers for Dash hawk, concerns for Little Doves vulnerability will be there where ever I go (special needs will not be made easier in the forest) even though I have tried to convince myself is would be .
I have had one major crisis in my life after another for over 25 yrs. Moving to the high country with all of its fantasy will not remove the reality that it would be another crisis. More stress that is just now easing ever so slightly. Now at a time when it is Gods gift to me to rest a while. My kids are in the top 3rd school in our district. I have a great home. Hubby loves his job and we have great benefits, even though he is pulling 50 hour weeks we are gaining our goals and earning a promises of a better standing in our future. If hubby was up in the high country it would still be 10 hour days plus and those unpaid in a car traveling home. We would have to pack up a large estate, that we have finally, now after 25 plus years have just the way we have always dreamed off. A very high price for a fairy tale forest to hold on to . Reality is that heat, pollution and other negatives may not really be so bad in the greater scheme of things. If the other stress ors were dealt better with maybe even the multitude of straws would not be so heavy on this camels back. So I will plan around the heat and in the fall I will give myself that garden I so long for > I will plant some trees in my yard and Hubby will just have to deal with them and learn not to complain about the responsibility of them. I'll save up for an orange tree for the yard and maybe a lemon too. We will have to set some goals to replace our 4=runner with a truck that can tow oue cobwebbed camp tailor up to the forest a few times a year. We will just have to take the responsibility to budget and save up for a meager camp trip to bring some ease and joy to our family and the forest, well we can go to it and enjoy the seasons that offer pleasure and not the dreaded suffering of the "snow". I will fix the things I cant stand, ask for and insist (with kind firmness) on the help I need to do the things required and learn to deal with the rest best I can.

Now I have a mate who is reasonable, who will take care to address problems. That is a huge blessing. Without that I know my test in all of this would be greatly compounded. He knows that he also is doubly blessed with me too. We are a team and with everything were are we will not threaten and mistreat each other. My husbands heart is for me. If I were to threaten him our marriage or the forest well them he would see that something greater is a miss for if a dream would cost a marriage who is in error? What is the greater issue selfish ambition or living for each other. I know hubby has OUR best interest at heart. If he could he would give me every desire that I could ever come up with but that doesn't mean that that would be the best thing for me. How many a marriage is distroide over stubborn selfish ambition that is only a bandage for the real heart problems of life.
It is time to let go of the fairy tale for me and face the truth of this day, GOOD BAD AND THE UGLY. Truth is for me there is a lot of beauty. I have been cultivating a better attitude and in so doing I saw a thief in my midst trying to cause within a hard heart. This thief within was removing my focus form the trial and afforded me some false comfort in the fairy tail. Dreams are good and important. Suffering is horrible and hard. It can ware us down to the bone. It can harden our hearts and hurt us so badly that bitterness replaces our true selves. Healing is the solve kindness the balm and restoration the cure. I have to grow up into the importance and goodness of this moment and all of those to follow. I can not let the process take "me, my real self" away. For everything is meant for my good because I have placed my love upon God. Psalm 91

Another wonderful thing about Summer in the Desert!

My two children are playing a board game. Remember those. Where they get stronger sportsmanship and turn taking skills. Yesterday we played Aggravation, the game. We joke about it allot when we play they can aggravate me and feel good a about it.
They had a half hour computer time. Our system is net worked. It is so wonderful watchiing and listening to them chase each other around in ciber space. They are being so cooperative this morning. It is so beautiful I just feel like crying out of the sheer joy of it.
It has always been my greatest hope that these two would always be best of friends. They will always have each other to depend upon and be fond of. Days like this I see it happening and I feel so great full.
They giggle and make voices for the persona's they are exploring.
This is truly wonderful.
Must get to chores, the AC is humming and the outdoor work done (scooped the poop). We have a play date after summer school today.

Little Dove and my doll

Well I think we can all see through the eyes of a child. Now remember great minds think alike ;)
Aren't we all just wonderful!
Think SNOW...
of course when you don't actually live in it chest high it can be a real fantasy.

Three thing that I want my kids to do

1) I want my children to be honorable independent friends of God.

2) Once they make it through the separation to independence. I hope that they can forgive all the mistakes I am making along the way.

3) I want my kids to raise honorable children who know who they are .

Memories of a summer vacation.

It was the last summer we had together before we decided to adopted our first child. The year was 1996 a "back Easter" we called it. For I had had a dream to see firefly's. Every time I would listen to my husband tell me the tale of his youth, his first sighting of a firefly, his eyes would light up so that I might of wondered if it had captured the very essence of this elusive insect.
Being a full time wife and homemaker I spent several weeks planning every days route and the destinations. I had heard about for over fifteen years. We had never really had a honeymoon and this was our grand adventure. The years we we had together had been wrought with hard trails of the medical nature. So now it was our time. Bed and breakfasts, The Shenandoah River, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia and Washington D. C.. Two weeks together to rest and restore a sense of ease. The stress of the years had taken a great toll on us and we were ready to be refreshed and to have fun together.
I also a desire to see the land of my mothers youth and to try to come to understand the stories of her youth and the people she had come from. My mother was a child of a mistress Cherokee woman and a brutal white land owner, my grandfather. We decided to explore Tennessee first. It was an amazing thing to find that my grandfather was a very well known man. His was the largest of all the head stones at the tiny church on the side of the road. That day held the opportunity I never knew or dreamed would ever happen. When I asked someone at that little church about the man, my grandfather, I learned and amazing story. This man of my mothers youth who was so evil as to even murder my mothers mother in front of her when she was only a little four year old child. Found a faith, in Jesus Christ, later in his life. He gave away many lands to many people who he had oppressed. He made amends to that little community. He never made amends to my mother for she had vanished.
Then that man told me an amazing fact about my grandfather, his daughter and her children lived on the top of the mountain to this very day.
I had been told as a child that my half mothers sister died when she was a girl. The history my mother had told me was that my mothers step mom beat my mom and favored her own child.

I pulled up that driveway to my Aunt ( I never knew existed) as she stepped out into her drive I introduced myself. She said to me " I know who you are, I have been waiting for you, I knew Marie had eight children and I had hoped someday that they would find me." I an that eighth child. We sat in her living room as if in a dream. All the relatives were called and one by one came they an Uncle (who looked just like Robert E Lee), Cousins( two very poor boys in adolescence and a wifes who was the spitting image of a sister- in-law . It was a blur and I was so full of questions and I told many (but not them everything I knew) things carefully. During that visit I learned that the old ways die hard they raised fighting roosters, and the bigotry and racism frightened me away. I held in hand the transcripts of the 1929 court hearing when Grandpa tried to get my mother back from servitude (she was later to be sold as a White/Cherokee slave to a 39 yr old man who had a 19mn baby) she was only 14 yrs old. He failed for she had no safety with him there either. these documents were given to me and I was shown photos that made it all so real.

I drove away and have not looked back it feels so unsafe. Sad to think I just let them all slip away like that but it was too overwhelming to understand or to risk after all the years it took to recover from all the abuse and all the white supremacist wounds. The truth came clear that sin will always be found out. I had visited a fantasy land where it had become a reality. I was not to return to it once I left it. It did all exist though. All the stories my mother told me. All the horrors that others told me never happened so that they could keep safe in the denile of their minds

We moved on then to our time on the Shenandoah River with the fireflies so thick that God had lit the lantern. We walked and talked and I was healed by those magnificent little creatures. It was all a dream and by the end of our trip days and many wonderful experiences later, it was as if I had just dreamed the part about my people. Those people who so long ago my mother removed me from. Maybe she tried to kept me safe best she knew how. For the things that KKK do to non white children are an abomination. I have known those things first hand in my youth because she was as a moth to flame and could not escape the grasp of fear and brain washing. It is real and I am now far removed from it.

I am safe with the glow of the fireflies in my husbands eyes. The memories of the healing light flushing out all the doubt of the horrors I had remembered during my years in recovery. I remember how all he wanted was to show me those luminescent orbs. I was illuminated by the reality that was always denied by those who tried to hide the truth for all the varied reasons. Then that was given a greater illumination through the beauty of a firefly.
That was a vacation of a life time.
I understand a grandfathers regret and I think that some how he prayed in his repentance, I have watched several of his descendants come to know the love of God. I think we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. I was vindicated in the exposure of the truth.

"Dreams do come true fireflies from me to you"

What do you want for the next 20 years of your life.

Friendship with God.
I want clean hands and a pure heart.
Peace.
The absence of strife. I love a poem called Deserterata.
Go placidly amid the storms of life.
Joy .
The ability to find pleasure even in the midst of the battles of my life.
I want to be looking forward to my future with hope and promise
Thought through plans and goals not let neglected.
I want to be looking back without regrets or sorrow of life.
It is my hope to make choices now that is some way might gain the absence of longing. To live in the present with gratitude for what I do have. Responsibly tending to my charge like Ecclesiastes, having pleasure in my work what ever it might be.
I want to have a sound mind.
I hope that I am able to grow old with poise and grace that I will be able to know who I am and who those around me are. If not I want to be beloved in any care situation I might ever be in. So that those who care for me might be glad to have known me and that I might as a legacy impart some gift to others of kindness. The example and the experience of kindness.
Celibrating my marriage then my 45th wedding aniversary
Madly in love with my husband and friend. Having romance alive and not just staying in some "long haul" of a relationship.
For my heart to be tender toward those around me.
Above all I don't ever want to be like my offenders in having a hard heart. That would mean that the enemy won over me. I will fight that to the end!
I want to be content within myself so that no matter where my body might be (forest or not:))
I would be glad just to be me unashamed, loved and beloved by God and my fellows.
I would love to see my children honorable independent friends of God
Loving God and His ways, not religious as in man made religion but honorable.
It would be a joy to hold my grandchildren and know who they are.
To see the fruit of the lives of my children to see what we work for now, acheaved.
I want to be a blessing and that my kids are fond of me
Once they make it through the separation of independence. I hope that they can forgive all the mistakes I am making along the way.

Encouraged.

Well, my peace has returned to me and the raging has stopped. Rage with its three pointed triangle of anger, fear of loss and shame/guilt. I felt angry to face the truth that I wanted to escape the difficulties I have been facing within my own journey and being so angry at how very difficult this life has been for me in so many ways and for so many years (rest assured I also see how much goodness has been here for me in the midst of it all), Fear of the loss of a brighter easier day to come I lost sight of how wonderful I do have it and how much of a loss it would be to let it all go to chase a dream. The shame of all the ways I would of loved to live better, parent more like I wished I would or could "if", and guilt that was both inappropriate (things that are not my error or sin) and in some ways fitting the the effects of my sin, selfishness and pride.

I enjoyed my morning and spoke softly to my son and daughter. I enjoyed this early morning temperate shade in my back yard after waking up early (because I was Responsible to go to bed at a decent hour). I took the dogs outside and came in to fix Steve's lunch. Kids still asleep I slipped out onto my nice clean patio and read my Bible awhile. I also remembered to lay on the hammock and listen to the dove and the other birds who are here to enjoy.

This weekend I stood up and spoke out asking for the return of my patio table and chair pads (Steve had stashed them away because he did not like the patio cluttered). I got the chair pads with the inheritance (meager as it was) after my Dads death. All three of my parednt died within less than 5 years and that was the only thing besides 2 necklaces and an apron that I have from them. Now I have my patio set up to live here outside in the cool of the morning and I made the yard nice the way I like it this weekend. As CEO I delegated task's and took no grief, It looks great out there. We re-roped the jungle gym and I have the new tarp sewed I will set the grommets and re-cover the structure sometime this week.

I read the book of James this morning and saw allot of encouraging things about my attitude of "give Me" the forest etc. I don't like the kind of heart that it gave me. I did get full of strife and sin just got to become more the norm as I fussed over "me, my wants". Like the forest was some golden apple that would make life all wonderful. Well it had its own trouble to it and it was a list long and true. The solve is to be responsible to to those things that are mine alone to do. Being the CEO of this estate is my responsibility. I have to stop blaming and being passive. Find my voice use use it with grace and a firm stand (not aggressive or complaining or manipulation but straight forward matter of fact this is required to care for what we have). Why should we expect more if we don't even care for what we have. It is just smoke and mirrors to ease the strain of being responsible. What we focus on grow bigger.

Focus on that witch is given to you do do to have but most importantly to be.

Recapturing the Nest.

For many years I had the same home in Scottsdale, that was sixteen years to be exact. I gardened the land and made it my own. I painted every nook and made every corner my own.

This weekend I recaptured the nesting I once felt about my old home. I had moved 22 times in my first 18 years of life and had never really nested until then. We left that home as the nicest on the block. Recently I realized that the outside of this place was the worst house on the block. Our yard was yuk, and with the exception inside with the painted walls and draped windows inside the outside was abandoned. After many surgeries and having two special needs kids complete with all there medical interventions and therapies I had a neglected nest. I had abandoned all hopes for it.. Instead I began a vision of a home in the forest and just past time here. It was beginning to just be a place to clean and keep up and pay the mortgage on. I had the mommies syndrome of "how many times can you pick up the same thing and put it away and wash the same dish, floor, tub etc..

I nested this weekend. I never really felt home here before. After very careful considerations of all pros and cons and options we faced: we realized we were best off to keep this home and stay here. I want to LIVE here in this HOUSE "BECOME HOME". I want to fight for it again.

I worked all day in the back yard to take it back. I have been working on a green lawn and now the sunflower house is getting bigger. I want to learn how to do my photos more easily without having to depend on hubby. Perhaps I will do like Gumbo Lilly and start posting life and my daily events . I truly am very blessed. I have a great estate and It is beautiful and Hubby is gonna get asked lot more to help out and not put off the things that are called for. I am the CEO of this estate and it is up to me to take better care to see that its needs get met. When I ask for help and get the old " I forgot because it really doesn't matter to me " excuses I am not gonna go passive! It must matter! This is our home> THIS IS MY HOME>

Where ever we live I want to stay long enough to raise the kids in one spot. I want them to know a sense of belonging I never knew as a kid. I also need that. So as much as I want the forest I receive what I have and if God were to somehow make a way to the high country I think I might just feel a little panic to loose what I have now, an established home and community. We have friends here who are so very dear to me and also family that I really don't even know well. A sense of affiliation is just as important and that dream of the aesthetics of a tree lined yard. Sometimes the things we think we really want have a very high price to them. higher than we could ever really see. I'm thankful that my eyes can see that and that my heart can receive it. It doesn't always pay to get what you want.

adding to my list of top ten

11) "Early " mornings outside are quiet and nice. (until the neighborhood Landscapers arrive)
I can get the lawn mowed

12) In the mornings after the lawns mowed Water play with the kids and the hose.

13) NO BUGS (blood suckers, ticks and the like), as long as the neighbors keep their pool clean and the standing water up, except the ants

14) no humidity

15) I love the summer rains when we are not in a drought (like the one we have been in for many years now)

16)My sunflowers are lovely.

17) wet clothes feel sorta nice. (kids dumped the dogs water bowl on me.

My attitude is improving and my irritability is decreasing. I am looking more forward to my day. That is the whole point of this for me. I don't like who I have been becoming. I don't want to be grumbling all the time. Thats not who I choose to be. It is really hard to implement this choice.

Laughing hard at the comment from jaye on my last posting.....

I asked everyone I could think of what the could think of to appreciate about living here in the summer
1) you don't have to grab a sweater when you go out in the evening.

2) although the weathers crap the schools are great.

3) .............

So..I sold $111. worth of Lanyards and jewelery today at the St Joe's CRS clinic. I also saved 69. on groceries tonight! It felt good to contribute to the budget so much in one day.

Steve is out working on the AC motor tonight. Ironic isn't it. So I sit quietly because he is real angry and afraid right now. The house is not a peaceful place for him tonight. He did 10 hour work day and read the kids to bed and now he has to fix a squeal in the AC fan motor. Poor guy!

O.K. I'm depending on that AC for my #1 reason
Oh life!

Only one week left of June.

I have to reflect on the speed of the weeks, months years that pass. My attitude has been so angry and negative about another desert summer. Here June is almost over and the dog days will get heavily laden with the intensity of 110+ heat. How Can I get through it if I don't change my attitude? So I must choose to do so.

Top 10 things I like about Summer Here......

1) Air conditioning and the ability to pay the bill for it.

2) Staying home and being calm without all the running around (There are less people out when your on the roads, all the tourist have gone home).

3) Ice water, opening the freezer to get the ice is a treat.

4) Pretending like I'm snow bound and doing lots of craft projects because its so cold outside.

5) Lazy days that have an excuse (the heat wears you out) Planning gardens for the fall .

6) My car in the garage cools down faster and my hands don't get burnt.

7) Lots of groceries in the freezer so I don't have to go out and when I do the stores are cold in the freezer sections.

8) Lots of supplies for projects so I don't have to go out. I get jobs done that I put off when i can be outdoors in the late fall/winter/spring ( if and when the inversion is not so bad as to light up my asthma).

9) Air conditioning in my car and not having to depend on a bus or others.

10) Less laundry because shorts and sleeveless tops make smaller piles (in theory).

Please help by listing your top 10 things you like about Desert Summers

I'm trying to think proactive but it is so hard. I do not to I do and can.....