Meet the Teacher day, but "I", was their Teacher.....

Homeschooling.... I dreamed of it for 20 years and practiced it for 9 years with Dove from 7 months on and 6 with Dash. I know they have a very strong character background and a circle of global knowledge that just might rival most High Schoolers, but I can not do it any longer and It hurts in my heart to let them go into the main stream. It was last March when I was on my 25th wedding anniversary that after two days of funk it came down to the tearful painful battle with God that I had to let go of home schooling. I had a lot of fear of being judged and fear for the kids out in the main stream( not in that order). When I let go and said Your will not mine, I had a peace that did not measure to my understanding. It was so far out there that it was what I held onto. I watched last spring as the kids transitioned smothly and seamlessly into classrooms. We had some challenges with Dove Social Cognitive stuff and she got attaced to a very unhealth relationship with a very trubbled girl. Dash had to have hearing aids and also learn a social lesson ablut kindness to the sheep goat of the class. He had a hard lesson as to why the child had become an outcast. Hard stuff for a 6 year old who practices kindness to others. (so much his mothers son)
I know; that They are in Gods care, That they are right where they need to be. That they need vocational training, That they will thrive and have many adventures in social experiment (both positive and negative)to become settled in the choice of who they want to become. They are not under my hand, my ways , my mind, our ethics and beliefs. They will be taught things against our belief or different at least . All that is required of me to trust in God to care for them and that I will have the Wisdom to guide them through the course, to not only be gentle as doves but wise as serpents. Oh how I hate to see them see innocence fade into the knowledge of the serpent and its lower case wisdom.
I know most mothers may be celebrating today. I feel a little sad. I am also so tired that I have a little excitement about it too. I feel an inappropriate guilt that by not homeschooling I am lessening my motherhood somehow. I have felt so strong about the importance of home Schooling for so many years, I am following the course that is best for our family. It is a HARD choice. It is the right choice. I will so miss being their teacher. I am so grateful to get to be their Mom. I am so hoping to get the I.E.P. in place so that some of the intervention can be obtained through the school district. Of course I am obligated to join the PTA. I feel so tired even at the thought of it. It is so hard for me to interact with other moms. I am such an old lady. They are all at most 35. I can see the energy difference. Their minds are so sharp and on the spot! I think much more deliberately and slowly. I feel sorta intimidated. I am also intimidated by their physical form. Man I am out of shape! They are so fit and well kept. I am rather earthy. I just thought I am rather foolish too to compare myself. So I'll stop! :)
This will be the last day (of the week) for the voices of imagination to echo through my halls. I will miss them. I will also enjoy the silence. I know I will enjoy their return all the more each day. Homework will let me still teach. I look forward to having lunches to prepare for them too. I will watch them as they venture into the world and trust God to keep them and to have them touch lives around them with the kindness that has been instilled into them. They are a gift to the world around them just like each one of us. I can not go against what I know is the right thing to do. It is very hard though. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Home schooling was a huge sacrifice, I did it well but the price was high. I will let go of my will and obey. There is freedom in that, payment the price of trusting God. It will be an investment in trusting God.