Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Of loss and the calling of Motherhood

Thank you everyone for your kindness. This week has been a bit much. Dash stayed home with me yesterday. Tending Dove in the morning, concerned she was stuffing bottling up all her emote she shared she had cried all night. She has missed so much class time she went on to school. Dash and I walked her to the bus stop.

Dash and I spent time out in the yard. He climbed the big tree and clipped all the sucker shoots off. It was good for his heart. He used stones to spell out a big heart...I love you Rena, we all do. It was good for his soul. He was able to speak of letting her go. This I taught him as she was to pass. I told him of how I learned this when my mom died. How it would help Rena if she knew that he let her go. As Dash relieved those 'white knuckles' clinging her to life. He had let go as she passed.

The vet was wonderful and kind to all of us.

That morning I had gone the dentist for two filling. He gave me the prophylactic anti-biotic, the shots to numb. As he worked on my teeth he said. "I have good news for you, I was able to just buff out the stain line with out having to redo the fillings. This one is on me" Yes NO CHARGE! I asked if the other tooth could be buffed he did so. Now I have looked in my mirror a good year really disappointed having three front teeth that had lines of stain at the margins of the fillings. My dentist said....

"Those things we put off persist"

His wisdom followed me through the day. Through the act of kindness that I was called upon to perform for Rena. I knew it was that her pain would persist as would suffering. I knew that it could be put off no longer. It was so hard for she was to die the day after Dash's birthday. 
Dash came to understand that she loved him so much that she hung in there for him to do so. The night before, the night of his birthday I called the kids in and told them she was getting ready to go home. They loved on her. I was able to get down to the floor. She just rested her head in my hand. Dash protested that she will live another two months. I reminded him that a few months back she came round and choose to stay a while longer for him. She is tired it is time to rest.

The hardest thing is to be a parent there with a child to remain together and support Dash was my calling. 
At the end I hid my face and began to weep. The sweet vet came over to embrace me and hold me while I shook without Dash being too aware. It meant so much for her to do so. How hard it must of been on her. They were to close within 15 minutes. So we had to make that choice to go fast. Steve walked in from work finding Dash and I over her. Speaking to Dash's refusal then Steve carrying her right to the car. I held her on my lap. Pain in heart and body as we caught every street light. She just rested and looked around. I just held her tired head and cried. 

With the gift from the dentist we were able to stay with her for it covered the cost within ten dollars. Gods ways so much higher. Those thing we put off just persist a gift of words as well that only God knew would carry me though the afternoon.

Yesterday with Dash with us Steve and I went to get my last round of knee shots. I was also fitted for a leg brace. It should come in two weeks. In lue  of knee replacement we will try this a few months. It will also help me to get my weight down. Dash wanted to be there. He saw me injected I was so concerned his heart.
Steve got me home once on the sofa I knew I had to go to my bed. It had all just been too much.

There I slept from 5pm to 4am this morning. My back sore I had to get up. I will limp around today.

There is a place near the door where Rena would lay, greet me each morning. I keep looking there to see her. It feels so odd to loose that morning custom. This the hardest thing to face...I must wash the wall and the floor there when I am able. Tell then I see her there in the stain on the wall, the patch on the floor. 

Today when they all wake up I will mother again. Comfort their pain. Feed their bellies. See them off. Weep on my own, and comfort my Lab as he has also lost his best friend. 

My infusion is on Saturday, I can feel the need of it strong. Not looking forward to that question..."how was your month"...just one time soon I wish she could hear what a wonderful month for me. These trials, challenges well I really need a break.

a tear wept


Susie said...

I am so sorry! I hope your grief turns to pleasant memories soon!

Tracey McBride ~ Frugal Luxuries™ said...

Wept a few tears of my own over this sad tale of your family's loss. Having lost our own share of beloved pets over the decades, I am reminded of a time when, lamenting the loss of our lab when I was young, I cried and asked my dad "why didn't God allow them a longer lifespan?" My father, wiping away tears of his own answered. "I suppose it's God's way of reminding us we are mortal." Everything has it's price on this mortal coil and, in my book, the losses are worth the price of the love, loyalty and painful as they are...and they never become easy. Sending prayers for wisdom and comfort to your family.
Love from,
P.S. The dentist's gift was a lovely blessing...such a gentle, generous reminder that He is there and cares.

Older women likewise teach the younger women...

• how to love their husbands
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)

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By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.

  • A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
  • The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
  • Return with Honor
  • The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
  • “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
  • "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
  • "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"

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