Thankful Thursday

 Well we have had spring break here this week.

Kids have been over to a neighborhood child's house. It is good to give them a little freedom within a tight measure. I really like these folks. 

When I come home from there however I can not breath. 

They use a great deal of scent so much that you can smell it 10 feet back from the door and in the car so bad that it is hard to stand at the curb to speak to them. It is a problem that is stressful to know how to deal with.  She wanted to go take a pick nick but I am afraid that the smells would just kill me, and that the river could just kill my children.

They have 6 cats too however they are not into the house but in a kennel attached to the room they stay in.  

I am suffering badly right now "again" with asthma. The peak flow is half of what is should be. Every sense the party for Dash last weekend this is getting worse. So much so that I am tipping into red alone here and there. So sleepy from lack of oxygen that I really needed Steve to help me start a breathing treatment taking all I had to not just lay on the floor beside my bed. As soon as it was finished I went into bed and slept a couple of hours. Up in the night coughing last night had to sit up.

I watched a show the other day that was about a ill blogger who had no boundaries or so everyone thought. The things we never speak of. Those weaknesses we fear judgment over. I find that when I am week that I think or assume that I am looked at as a failing Christian. For if I.....fill in the blank....did so and so I would have joy and the suffering would lesson. 

Jesus never said that pain would never get a hold of you.

He said "I'll never leave you all alone".

Pain has gotten a hold of me.

The systems of the stress disorder are digressing. The neuro guy said that he may begin me on the meds for the early Alzheimer's if the memory thing does not improve soon. I said things like I need to water the garage, instead of the garden and that happens a lot now. The kids notice it and are aware that I have a sort of handy cap. It also caused mood changes that break my heart. I am scared . you would be too. Do not kid yourself anyone. It is real to suffer. If you are afraid you might get judged and rejected by the very hands that you so need to hold you up like Moses.

there is a loss of belonging.

Denise and Annette thank you.

Those of you silent thank you too.

I am trying so hard to raise the kids and the stress is tough. Wanting to bless them with the things that I once loved to do I took them for a walk. An adventure. Dash had a meld down. He hates to leave the house. He said it would be embarrassing if anyone saw him that was a cover that at first I took at face value then the Lord exposed the fear he was having. In my mind I handled it so much better than through my mouth.

I really hate that. 

The stress disorder makes it so hard to process those moments. 

Dash has meltdowns he is nine that is in part what 9 year old do.

Oh guys he is a hand full. He is prideful to a frustration but later comes around. Hard not to get real angry when the parenting process is blocked mentally.

 

Well once the thing hit the fan with Dash everything was fine. He has to have the big bang to go to the honey moon , Patience wares thin, then Doves good attitude goes south. Goodness! I touched her hand it being the first time they ever crossed the street where the traffic is 45-55 mph. I taught them crossing and paying attention to traffic at their shoulder. I felt it time to teach these things intentionally to them. They must grow up with skills to function.

Needless to say a nice walk tuned into stress as the lack of reality with Dove surfaces. The 12 year old indepenace meets the laa laa land. It is so sad it just feels like it is breaking my heart.

Wood lesson here I was behind the sign for 60 seconds tending to the attitude of the boy and the girl fighting and snippy. A car pulled up and a man was eying her. She was aware! thank God! The man hurried as I stepped over to her and I told him she was fine. Perv or nice caring man? who knows!

So as my children snapped at each other and Dash was hurt from our run in I still tried to do my very best to give them a memory of spring break. I just blew it over and over. I am so sad over that.

They were less than appreciative.

Suposs that is how kids are.

They each got new shoes for school and a toy to earn as the allowance of chores is paid.

They are still not getting it. 

I am doing my best to teach responsibility and the satisfaction of earning. 

It is so important to do I told them.

I actually explained that dad and I are doing our best to get them ready to be able to function independently as adults. For one day they will be on their own needing to pay their own way. Of course that haunting question about Dove disturbs my mind as I continue.

We walked home and again the memory thing hit. I was hurrying because I thought that we had an appointment but it was not for the day.

The kids moaned and groaned a lot on the way back. 

After a while it got a little better.

I almost in tears for all I wanted to do was to go for a walk and enjoy my kids.

So were home later in the afternoon. Daddy man is home and water is running outside. They had drug the garden hose . Dove got it in her mind if the dogs were clean I would let them in. (the pee) NO

Well we look out to see her in her new shoes washing the dogs. I had not noticed the shoes yet.

Well picking my battles I lovingly went and got the dog shampoo and rinse. Opened the door saw the new shoes and lost my temper. She the Dove she is was hurt to the core for she had not even thought or noticed the shoes. 

Torn am I as to how to train her not knowing what she is capable of understanding or not. The kids just ride on these over reacting of me and I get real shaken up that an ounce would of done just fine and a ton comes out of me.

note wet outdoor dogs on a cold night.

So what am I thankful for?????

I am typing, breathing and loving my kids so terribly imperfectly and yet able to admit it.

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The children have the stuffed critters out of correntin

bunny had surgery this morning to remove some therapy puddy from his fur

 

The garden gave a pound of peas today.