my axis

 

I have been trying to find a way to explain what my grief experience is like.

I had no center until my Sister Midge came forward and confirmed the truth of what I remembered.

She set a "y" in my life that gave a sense of stability to the truth of my life. That gave me a security to begin my ability to find my self hood. After our Mom died she and I rarely spoke of our experiences for many of them were at mothers hand. It was like mom was gone, we both knew the truth, that was enough.

We after that only really exchanged what one might call small talk. She was my friend but within our friendship for many years a lack of intimacy ruled. This rule set by religion. She was LDS and she had her beliefs and I had mine. We never criticized each other but I think we did judged each others beliefs at time. It was a gap that was left a chasm.

She gave a touch stone to me of "Y" keeping me centered on this earth. Like a triangle she is now a missing edge.More however like a drawing. She was a familiar corner that created a center. One who confirmed my existence in a singular way that no one else could ever replace. With all of my other family we many of us have affection, an affiliation of sorts and struggle though the attempts of friendship.

Midge was my friend.

Now to everything there is a season. It is now my season to be left with a change in the "y" axis that keeps me a center. She was a mentor of sorts. To everything given there is something to be taken away it is the way of things. Recently a mentor has been made present to/for me, she however shares a common faith or belief system. She will never replace the axis of Midge. I no longer need that axis for the drawing has now been rendered in that rendering the axis is there unmarked perhaps but the very design of the drawing establishes it.

I have lost my axis in one way yes in her death but she lives through the rendering. The drawing that would not have been possible had she not come forward, if she had not practiced the very act of courage and self sacrifice it took to do so. I grieve that it was only in those short moments of life we were one in togetherness and kindred in such a way as to be able to speak of the deeper things of experience. That I grieve. It is for me that I grieve not for her. For she is no more here to suffer in that she is at piece it is to be celebrated that her life was such a gift to so many.

I grieve what we never had or at least only had for a short time. She and I we safe with each other to be real. We lacked however the ability to be truly deeply intimate in the things greater those things of the Spirit.

So those of you who wonder of me and the grief I as walking through, that is the core of it. I am worshiping the act of Gods provision through her courage and love. Her sacrifice and honor.

I choose to live this day to tend to the living.

I grieve the lack of friendship in the things of the spirit never now having chance here on this plane. However she is now Spirit. God is Spirit and I am His Friend. She is with Him now in Spirit.

It is now that we have attained that intimacy so longed for .It is in the clarity of Holiness that one day we will be known and know each other.

Then nothing else will matter or hinder our friendship.

I have peace and sorrow is tempered so much by it. I have actually wondered if I am grieving wrong. Because I am not like it sounds like I should be...I mean so many of your wonderful sweet kind comments are really how I feel. I do have peace. I am walking forward. I know we all grieve differently. We all have differing relationships as well with those whom we are grieving for.

I got to say good by, I spoke with her even recently about how I knew she wanted to go home and that I understood. This before she even got hospitalized. I knew she was going home days before she did, this knowing was told me by no person. I saw her going home and had days to process and grieve it before I even heard of the plight she was in. I had the hawks that morning visit to see that I knew God 's presence near. To reassure me of her salvation.

It is the living who I morn for those around me without that.

I said to her my heart and thanked her for being my friend just before the pulled the ventilator.

The axis of my days are only found in my God he is all I need to hold the drawing of my life into the architectural building He designed. She just got to be one of the tri pods for a season of my days here. She was a very important part of who I have been able to become.