Life is full of variety

Grumpy

Now I have been exceedingly busy...

and for me to say that
(those of you who know me)
know that this is no
"whistling hi ho hi ho its off to work I go"
...although I have been rather Grumpy.

I began the EDMR secessions three weeks ago and we are still doing the history time line. Each time I remember more and more blanks are filled in...a good thing but I get pretty angry that my reality is defamed by a few. This is however a normal part of denial and the efforts to keep that in place. The fact that I must respect others keeps me from going off the handle on them. Some days though just barely...

Some of the adults just under this generation are now remembering and asking. I also send then to their Other Aunt and Uncles for information. I have a genealogy that is very well established by Dear Elder Sister. She is such a gift and a blessing to me.

The Baby shower was a Swim BBQ party with all the old friends of my Nephews...bitter sweet and the best efforts to make a very painful sad thing a joyous time for the Mom to be...who birthed my Great nephew the next day.

This is cute little Nico my Nieces sweet baby boy.
He is so fun, just thinks his Grammy (my sister) is the best entertainment in the whole of the world. She is so enjoying being a Grandma again. He other little grandson who is 7 was there too. It was real good to see him. He came up to my kids and almost plowed them over with his happy exuberant hug. That was so beautiful to see him so happy to see his cousins

Now if you ever go to a party with one of these....yikes this is too yummy!
Served with lots of fresh fruit and other tid bits.
It is a chocolate fountain.

The party had a luau theme and the girls did a great job with it.

This lovely pool had a bit of a challenge for my poor sister trying to get it ready last minute.
The Daddy Man of course on life guard duty with my other Niece who is a new mom herself.
The party turned from a small gathering into a large BBQ over night on her and the pool had to be shocked.

Mommy to be in blue
Boy blue born the next morning (induced).

Many of these are Great Nieces and Nephews.

I did a post on the creative process over
here at A Place to Create.

The Sewing room was so ready to receive some attention.
The other day while on the phone I saw some great ideas on how to improve my space.

This will become a scrap booking and paper center for scanning as well.
I love the improved storage. I was given that wonderful counter top from under the giving tree last month. This is how I actually made use of it.

With that cabinet out from under my table I am once again able to store these properly so I can make use of them . Now no longer are they up on top of the shelving unit. The count was perfect! This is all of the scrap by color and also all of the various notions. Now I can sew and not have a battle with getting up on a stool or chair to get what I need down from up high. So much safer for me too.
It is so much nicer in here.
I think I see a quilt getting closer.

The other day I stumbled upon another yard of the black beaded trim.
I just finished it last night and still need to get this hung right.

Adding color where I can...This is the new curtain for the back door.
The walls all white now call for color! But the walls need be white to respect my sweet man who simply wants white walls.
Well I have had walls my way many years it is his turn.
I am just a color junkie:)

This a new dress...it was a $65 dress I found for $12. so...
I made a layout of a necklace yesterday for it.
I think I will really love the look when I get done.
Look at that just for me!
:)

One of the other activities has been to finish up the garden
This morning I was able to work a couple of hours on it before the heat was too much.
I have notice the last two days the promise of fall as the lows are now in the 80*'s
I worked in the garden this morning
There is a post over at
BEE BLISS GARDENS

My cool little son is getting into the Rhythm of drumming.
I love it!
If I were able I would love to own a set of drums.
At our house creativity makes way to drums of items that give this child fondness of sound. Now Dash is hearing impaired.
We went through the garage and the yard this morning looking for sounds he liked.
Very interesting to watch and to with him.

I think it is also a very good outlet.
He needs so much attention, it is very hard to fill this sponge.
I think I fall short here.

Look at that intensity!

Now if only we could get him to flow with it.
Like for instance the Lab...
Speaking of intense!




This is the fix that had to be done for that dog went through several pounds of very expensive (he has allergies) dog food!
So then after this was solved...
He got into the chicken feed!

Speaking of the chickens ...
We got an egg this morning!
The heat is so hard on the poor things.
We moved the coop under the gazebo for the time being to give them some better releif. The birds are in such a hurry for fall as am I.

So there ya go...
Whether I am Grumpy,
Happy,
Sleepy,
Sneezy,
Doppy,
Bashful
or being my own
Doc...
Life is full of variety for me.

hi

Good evening being had here.
We are doing laundry, playing the new and improved laundry game.
Then there are the drum sticks (dowels) that we are doing some rhythm.
My husband is home with peace in the air.
My post touched his heart positively.
It helped my heart to simply exhale in an accountable way.

More napkins made, laundry washed by hand on the porch (that was cool enough to do so) a day with many little things finished up and hung to dry. Laughter is taken place of dull television where children are silent and mused into oblivion. with regards to the arts... laid out is the jewelry to match the three outfits well two tops and a dress. It will be good that I can feel powerful next week when I have to go testify in court on that woman who was passed out at the wheel up on the curb in 2007 yes that long ago. She has been in and out of mental hospital that long. I have to give truth mercifully yet with the authority that keeps my PTSD at bay. This a good test of my skills. Life has been challenging but real.

Life is however good too.

The nutritionist called me to set up an appointment to go over the items on school menu and the ingredients as to know what Dash is able to eat or not. This year they are responsibly addressing the letter I once again went out of my way to have the Pediatricians office sent to them. She told me her predecessor no longer works for the school district. Given my experience I see why. Dash has given his alright for me to accept the offer from his teacher to work in her class three days a week teaching kids to read. It will be an act of love. I have yet to even go over to the school so far and it has been 6 weeks. So all will get to a point to begin in some short while I think.

Thank you...
thank you.
My dear one is alone away from a monitor tonight out in his man cave (garage) this is the first time in so many many months he is unpluged.

the epic as a whole

Dash is out side on the patio drumming with two dowels he found, I went and joined him and we found fun in all of the different types of repercussions. Archer (Dove) is combing out her pretty "green" hair. Well thankfully we had the proper shampoo and it looks like we will eventually get it back to blond, I hope the texture gets better.

The joy of these mornings I dreamed of all those years will not be taken away or lost in the struggles around me. I have dreamed all long years to have the very life I have. I have the contentment of all that I have ever dreamed off. I have enough.
Like the waves of a torrent however the dreams we often have can hinder and change the outcomes of the dreams of those who walk our path along side of us.
The longing to travel is hindered for those who have a homestead, and the mortgage that goes along with it.

Every baby born is lead by a personality that is molded and groomed into what and who we have a chance to become in this life. It can be our best ally or our own worst enemy.

Like our life and our dreams our blogs find a place in the world. Some are built and groomed for sole purpose of gain of numbers for income. Some an intentional ministry. While others are like homesteads. Many are there to travel, to explore or implore the reader into an intentional setting or venue. All good and well as it is for each of us to find our place.

What if you were to gain the exact place you want in the world and it be apposed to the team you play with. Or at least in theory. Yes I speak in vagaries.
I would of never thought that the fulfilment of my hearts desire would be at the exclusion (or in part an exclusion) of an others. Or visa verso.
One side or the other has to give. Funny I have found that the joy my desire has given to the lives I share has been of times less than desired but non the less acknowledged sometimes as the best thing that could have entered our world.

There was a day when it was the joy of he who loves me to give me the world. His heart however has paid the price of years of self denial and being deferred. Even if... we defer our own self... if we one day see that we might have done well to make a way to do otherwise would we have regretted or been glad of it? Oft I am told glad of it. Now with all beauty and transperancy I am told that many things were not so however and that they are resented, or at best regreted.

Now WE have established a family, home, gardens and an estate that lives and breathes to me yet (in large part) suffocates my mate. His hope deferred now ...far too long ...and his heart has given up even the hope. How can that hope be restored? I know that feeling personally... intamatly... having waited 16 and 20 years respectively for the children of my dreams come true. Only thing is that... in the being forced to wait the reality of it differs greatly than the fantasy of what it might have been. So will it be I think for travel. Many of those things I/we desired and longed to satisfy my/our hearts with are a hindrance to others hopes and desires. Dogs were a desire in my youth to raise up with love and gentleness fondly enjoying the company off...yet now I have lost the very zeal that I imagined having for them because they hinder more than fulfilled. They are an anchor as are chickens and gardens... Some ships long to set anchor while other vessels long to raise it and to sail the seas in search of adventure.

I think it often must be the case in unions.

But what do you do will all the contentment and joy and accomplishment of success when it does not fulfill a mates wants of life. When it leaves a mate forced to become other than who he/she is, or depressed at the loss of his own (families) ships sail. It has been a long struggle that I have often tried to fix. Simple fact is two ships, two desired and compromise is in the un-available dollar or the letting go of self or desire. I had the struggle of letting go of the desire. I was longing 16 years to hold a babe in arms, only to let go and force myself to other persuits (undesired professional emplyment)to keep my sanity. Only then to have the desire fulfilled. It was hard to let go and even harder and more frustrating in some ways to recieve when it was such a hard ship to do so. Now this is the trial of my mate. It is a hard hard trial as I so well understand that it is not about me. I can not fix it. I too want to travel, but not so much as to let go of homestead. How do we do with the limited means. I think that there must be a blind sided third option perhaps. The desires of our heart are given to us by God so then as in the 16 years I had my desire denied or postponed....so is this desire only perhaps postponed. That urgency felt is from the depths...it is then up to God to make that way to see it too happen. What then?...the lessons I had to learn before the dream of my first child were for my best behalf and for my/our bennefet as were the lessons learned by he is that trial.

So this trial and this longing to set sail and explore and travel will be met I would think. Not knowing how that child might land in arm is little different that knowing how that sail might catch wind. It is in the trial of it though that the greater good if had.

Married now some 25 plus years much of what I/we worked for in hand has become a seeming millstone to my mate.
Once two years back I tried in all anger and internal frustrations to pack it all up and let it go by the way side to try to release him of all financial burden only to find great personal relief and satisfaction in actually setting my own anchor that security I long to offer us and our kids in following my vision. Growing children, food and family.

Yet the man I love finds need to sail (travel) and that need compels him into a frustrated state that all but misses the real voyage (his wonderful family and daily life). He has always felt lonely or alone...and I have laid beside him wondering if he knew how alone I felt in the same bed beside him. I never really stopped my own selfish ache to think that within his own wound is a life long loneliness that I can not fill. That only a fellowship with God can fill. Religion is a lonely thing. Relationships are most often stymied by religion. The most important of relationship, that with the Crater of our soul. Perhaps this trip within him is what will fill that relationship perhaps a devine appointment needed is not to be missed. Perhaps this time is come at hand . Like the adoptions not seeing how it could ever take place?

It kills me to think that one so dear to me is so very unhappy with his life. So very desperate to heal those wounds that leave gaping a seemingly easy fix that is denied him only through finance. Often though the things to learn are so much deeper than that. Often so much more unpleasant as well. The dross leads to a shine won often in no other way.

What if we all got everything we all needed/wanted?
I have gotten most all that my heart desired. However through the suffering of my hope deferred... it was it was received. The life, the husband, children, home animals and garden. Sewing machine and beads. Much favor and mercy has been shown to me yet a high price has been paid too. I am not a simple glutton of goodness.

Simple truth is the more that is given us the more is required of us. That is the real issue. Not wanting to be responsible to what is required of us once we received what we gain. This the child who is mad and then just refuses to do what is needed because he/she aint getting what he/she wants when he/she wants it.
That is the old counting of the costs. Perhaps in a union one mate has considered the cost and willingness to pay it without considering that the other mate is not as willing to do so. What then? Do we live resenting? May it not be so. Do we shoulder the weight and figure it is ours to carry?Wishing that it was a joint effort...well perhaps that has been my own method. I assumed in my life that it would be a mutual thing to carry. The sacrifice though to carry something you don't really want is perhaps too much to expectof, or ask of your mate.

So knowing now that the weight it too heavy on my own shoulder to I let it go and count to loss all the dreams that were within my grasps. I will try not too. I will hope and trust that there is a blind option yet to be discovered.

I was asked "what is it I do to comfort myself in times of struggle and suffering"? well writing has always been one of those things. Processing the thought and feelings of each trial. Seeing truth and error in my words that might be viewed and set in stone when only they were intended as a fluid process of role play as character develops or is rejected. Depending on the choice of what is then read back through the tears and/or laughter.

This is my place to do so. But the shelter of this refuge is being used by others to judge as if in stone I script, not it being a process of discovery. It is found to be satifying by some that I too suffer. Donot think that my life is without such. Nor is yours I am sure.

Many blogs are used to teach method of cooking, sewing, canning, "ministry" as in a direct intentional setting . Gardening or simple living. I have tried to find my niche or to explore the beauty of the diversity so many wonderful minds hearts and souls set out here. Often with a like mind or appriciative common ground.

Mine in a niche of honest living the round of it edged off and chiseled into a form that by design is dynamic ever growing (at least I would hope) . It is in the ebb and flow of talent and trial and skill and weekness.

If I be other than I am... less than who I am... I would appease the fear of misunderstanding and judgements. That is why these pages have been all but left blank for some time.
For in processing the things of late hearts other than my own have needed to be guarded at the cost of my own process. That I guess is a process of it's own.
Called a choice to love. In processing today it is in no less than a choice to love as well.

I long that the hearts around me be made whole, those under my roof and those in the seas that toss me ashore or against the stones some days.

Somehow in the midst of all of this The joy of my very own accomplished life has been let go of. It has become something I grieved to have inconvenienced the world around me with. Yet Oh I do so long to simply reward my soul with the gift that diligence and mercy and favor have gifted me.
I so long to hold onto that. It has become tenuous. It is very hard to do so.

When I think that my joy , my accomplishment had removed the opportunity for my mate to find his own it leaves me broken. For he is broken and it is not in my power to mend him. Even if I were to lift anchor to sail free into adventure that would remove all anchor it would I truly think destroy him. I am so sad that he is hurting. I only can hope for my love my friend that he find his joy. I am so very sorry that my joy has been gained at some of the cost of his very own.

For another to lay their life down for us is a very sad thing for they have lost them self at our expense. It saddens me to no end that I have gained at the expense of another. It is harder yet to have that rubbed in my face by others (not him) when it was a gift that was given freely to me.

I have written posts that have simply been deleted. Perhaps this one might be too. For this is for my process not for others pleasure , satisfaction or gossip. It is not for family to find satisfaction or condemnation of me or any one for that matter. It is not for a show of weakness's to be taken advantage of by arrogant deniers of truth.

It is for me who walks a road along side all of humanity. For all these things I know are not in a vacuum of some exclusive experience. We are many and perhaps this one simple voice of process can help speak for others too.

This is that great purpose of this blog.

I do not get paid for it that is not my purpose. (thought there is no judgement on those who have that purpose).
I do not proclaim this a Ministry of God either, though It is my hope that we all be ministered too by Gods compassion's.

So do I go back now and post a simple pretty image of life when I am pleased only. May it not be known of me to be so one sided as to only show you how good my life is...

The most comforting thing I ever learned ...

Was that we are not alone in this life. That everywhere there are those who are also thinking, wondering if they are all alone in those experiences. Or are they really a part of a greater story that truly does somehow have some great value to offer up the world , the epic as a whole.

Just pray for me will you please

I do not know how to post the things that are going on in and around my life right now.
If I were to speak ...would that edify?
All I can do is to hold onto who I am.
Optimism has always been my strong suit.
It is become a suit dusty and worn.

It is in these shadows I see the lights of your friendships and kindness glow brightly.
Yet I am of no words for the words held behind tongue bitten between teeth.
I can not let it struggle free.
Oh as tempting as may be...I will be better than that.
I have to lay it down lay down the rights that we might think we have.
But I am not my own and my own mind and words do not shine well this trial.

Those post of superfluous things are empty to me right now.
I am pained to my utter core. It has just been easier to pull away.
Pressed on several fronts.

I think that I may have been misunderstood and judged by my readers.

There is a movie of a poor woman who suffered...
Le Miserab ...not the perticular trial to be sure:)
but in it she said a line that rings to me...as the jailer arest her for a crime that was an abuse of power by another she said "I know I have done wrong but is it right for them to distroy my only dress?" pleading she begs for mercy from the jailor only to see contemp toward her and hatred...then comes the male lead that comands her justice!
With a tone and a voice of power he paid her debt. He takes her and cares for her and stands at death watch as her last ounce of strength leaves her...
Grieving that he had neglected due to distraction of duty.
It is then that his word to her is kept and he rescues her young one.
He defends the child to his utmost. When grown the child demands understanding through rebelion and the risk of her own harm and his.

Once again a Great Aunt

Baby Brody
Born 11:45 last night is healthy and Mom is well.
As his daddy looks down from heaven.
I can not get the image to post.

please pray...

My husbands Maturnal Uncle by marriage...
is on death watch he last day...moments.
The family is circled around.

Thankful Thursday *Slow Down

Smelling the flowers along the way!

• Main Entry: ¹pro·vi·sion
• Pronunciation: \prə-ˈvi-zhən\
• Function: noun
• Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin & Latin; Late Latin provision-, provisio act of providing, from Latin, foresight, from providēre to see ahead — more at provide
• Date: 14th century

1 a : the act or process of providing b : the fact or state of being prepared beforehand c : a measure taken beforehand to deal with a need or contingency : preparation provision for replacements>
2 : a stock of needed materials or supplies; especially : a stock of food —usually used in plural
3 : proviso, stipulation

join us here

An amazing day!

This my day, a gift I lived made my heart dance as a grateful princess before her

Father

The morn a treat of wifery and motherhood.

On to an appointment with the Neurologist.

There I find a professional who so admires me and my character. He delighted that I have begun the EDMR smiled and told me that he too had begun his training. My (top 20+ yr neuro in the valley) was delighted to find that all three players in my health care are working as a team with one mind. The Physician doing the EDMR so highly esteems the Neurologist that she will be working closely with him in the PTSD work. My MD is fond of the whole process and has set me up with a medication to ease the stress when the PTSD hits. Because it is provoked by stress and my biochemical inability to manage the stress due to brain neurological damage the meds will keep me able to stop the progression when it hits.

I completed this month what he had asked of me and he is very pleased.

He strongly feels (that with the exception of the UIO lesions in the white matter) that I have a very good prognosis of not only stopping the continuing neuro pathway damage but also possible reversing it!

He will watch the lesions with CT yearly as they have grown. Due to the PTSD I awake often sometimes nightly with panic. It is not congruent or associated with anything it is just the brains way of firring off the fight flight mechanism. After speaking with him and ruling out my willingness to take a sleep aid like ambium that knocks you out and leaves you drowsy the next day...we discussed the herb valarian root. He thinks however that using a perceptions form of melatonin and getting the sleep cycle regulated it will be of good support with the upcoming EMDR sessions. Get this he GAVE me 12 days of samples and a coupon for a MONTH FREE. It is a purer derivative than that I could find in a health food store and assimilates more effectively.

I will take my first dose tonight.

As was last Thursday a recurrent circumstance happened.

As I pulled out of the parking lot across the street was an elder walking in this heat. After having Heat Exhaustion last week I am VERY thoughtful of the issue. I pulled over to give her a lift. She was 91 years old!!!Walking what would have been a MILE AND A HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!! She missed the bus.

Now on the way she said to me that she is of no more use now.

Well I walked her into the office and informed the clerk she was on foot and asked them to please look to her transport. I then bent down to tell her that she had lied to me. That it was a lie that she is of no use. That I needed her to be an example to me of the truth of her value as do all of the other women who look to our elders for example. She spoke of a great grand child and I told her that THEY need her and told her flat out to call them. It was so cool.

Well I was off and went on to meet my friend at the mall.

When I arrived early I decided to make use of a coupon and looked for a pair of shoes...walked away with $60 two pair for $34.

Oh too cute! I got a pair of purple shoes! I have always wanted a pair of purple shoes!

My dear friend and I had a nice visit and when I went to get a sandwich I was given a second one for FREE! I took it home to the kids for after school.

God has been teaching some things about being a seer and how in the church any gift but the gift of prophecy is tolerable and acceptable. I have witnessed I believe folk who have this innate gift find acceptance only in the dark arts of becoming a psychic I think that if given the right to be who God gifted them to be that the light empowered gift could really do a lot of good in this world .

These people are rejected out of ignorance and misinterpreted scripture. Doing what they do for the pride and gain of dollar is a plight driven through temptation and rejection.

Well my friend is an adopted soul who has discovered her birth mom is such a one.

Now it is just last evening that God had been showing Himself through the creation off ALL of the universe. Even the wise men looked to the stars. They had their eyes to all that was Holy however.

I had shared these thought for she had asked me of my thoughts on the issue almost three years ago. I had wanted to make a point to answer her query today.

Last night her birth mom contacted her...timing

So then... we spoke of another soul who needs to be needed and devised a way to allow them to express the gift of skill and we could then share our knowledge in the computer arena and solve an issue of need that the person has. So cool to see how all of this is orchestrated.

My Sweet friend and I then walled some and for the first time in a very long time I bought some clothing for myself. 75% off of things that were marked down already 50%! $45 tops for $4.99 so amazing!

I spent $75 and I saved $265

A nice dress, jean shorts a sweater and three nice tops (one beaded) at Lane Bryant Also if I go back and spend $50 I will have $25 off for she gave me a coupon.

Well with errands and children to tend too we parted ways.

I went to get dog food...yep.. ya ready!

so $38 a bag marked down to $32 I had a $2 coupon

Two coupons for $4 each to get a treat or toy and on a clearance I found two VERY nice treat balls for the dogs (I mean hefty ones) were FREE normally like $12-15 each

$58 ish for $32

So I stopped at Wal-Mart and ran in for the pillow forms I needed, got home just in time to ready a plate of half a sub, Frito's and let them share a soda.

Oh HAPPY KIDS!

They did their homework and chores happily.

My Beloved saw me skitter and dance with glee my new clothes and purple shoes just make me feel like a princess!

Oh but this day

with this presence and this provision extended to me left me walking the clouds as I shiver and chill to the presence of all that is HOLY.

Free to be me Retreat

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