The Tenacious Vivacious White Raven

As the Children boarded the bus that Friday morning I explained to them that I did not know that I would be able to do the door to door thing they call "trick or treating". I explained that it just brought up to many hard memories and I was just overwhelmed to even think about it.
My loving Children (respect intended) said..."Mom we understand , It is alright we are happy that we get to have our own celebration together."...With a bit of sorrow in the eye but hearts overflowing with the consideration for my needs first...I was so moved by this show of character...I waved as the bus drove off.
Going into the house a bowl of cereal cared for my belly and I went into the shower.
While in the shower I thought about how much glee the costumes, made at my own hand, found way of expression on the faces of those two kids. I thought about a lot of things and prayed for the children around the States and the Globe.
Then I let it all go...
Remembering this

I saw myself in my Indian wedding dress.


"I am going to be MYSELF today! Yes...I did.
I unpacked the dress out of the box it has lied in from January and the move preparations.
I gleefully , was giddy as I slipped it on over my head. The weight of it reminding me of the weight of the power within me that overcame the darkness so long ago on that Cross.
I felt so grounded. The lightheaded distractions of the flash backs stopped!
I BOLDLY proceeded to the school to attend Dash's parade. His teacher would not welcome me in so I waited in the hall. I shared with several who asked of the dress the story of how ...
God had spared my life from the car accident, how beloved gave me the diamond , the first one I have ever owned. How all those who loved me met in the forest 6 hours away for my Indian wedding and reception. How Daddy Man spoke spoke a blessing over each child.
One woman walked by and said..."That is authentic isn't it?"...Yes replied I, and told her the story. Emote showed in each of those who heard the story one even wept. The message was heart of "WHO I AM"
I went as myself.
Dash was glad of my company in the long procession of all of the k-3 rd graders each of the rooms we found ourselves winding through held children who I have worked with over the last two years as a volunteer at the school. Dash's teacher walked just behind me as child after child called out my name. She has treated me with great disrespect, and here in her face, were so many, who gave me great respect, and my son...my son walked beside me seeing all of this.


During the parade that included a tour of the upper grades rooms, Dash spoke of fear of the times when he would be in these class rooms. Those fears defused as familiarity replaced them.
We walked through Doves class and her teacher when asked requested some ice for the afternoon. The class would be having a party. She asked if I could attend.
After going home and resting a bit and getting ice at the grocery store...
"IN MY DRESS!" HA!
That was empowering!

I did so.

Dove was so happy as were many of the other children who ran to me with an embrace awed as they looked at my dress.
I helped Dove into her costume and the little girls were all cocooned around us, as if we were butterfly about to emerge.
Once in the class I met the Mother of another child Dove has longed to have over. With the other kid here I have placed that on hold so as to avoid the dreaded triadic play date.
Then the Teacher said...Mrs. U. , Will you please take over the class so that I might go up and get the ice that you brought.
Me...take over the class, when there was another Mother right there.
I was humbled and honored to do so.
As I prepared the drinks, and the foods the other Mom served up ice cream (the harder job).

I taught the kids the story of the Wedding dress...I told them that there are many other tribes beside the Hope and the Navajo, Apache and such. It was so cool!

By recruiting kids to help the little stars shined they all wanted to serve! Each requested a task and all felt wonderful about who they were and helping as a team the party was a hit...

Even some of the boys who were asked to help put on a whole new image, and really behaved wonderfully.
It was great!

I stayed to help the Teacher a bit and she told me that she was in 2 nd grade when I was originally married to beloved in the early 80's .
Then I hurried home to beat the buss.

These little treats were given to me by a child in thanksgiving of our labors for the party. What a thankful Mother to raise a grateful kid! The kitty is a tuna can with candy in it and a balloon over it. The other is a sucker in a tissue.

Beloved came home with supper and we ate then began to have our traditional Movie Night.

Then...spar of the moment!
I asked the kids to put on the costumes...They looked confused and asked why.
I told them that I would like to go for a walk with my family.

"Really?"...they asked. I told them do it now or I might change my mind. They were ecstatic!
Beloved looked at me with "silver dollar" eyes!
"I will try" said I.
"Oh thank you Mother for trying"....humbled in tone were they

I took a deep breath.
I never took My Dress of all day.
I was myself!
The Tenacious Vivacious White Raven.
Courage over took me as I witnessed the fear that had covered over my child.
Determined to free her and myself I stepped forward.
It was the first time I had gone out on that night from that night so many years ago when the gang rape happened and the tormentors killed my soul.
I have resurrected my flight.
Grown out my clipped wings.
With them I covered my young and raised above the evil.

Dove bore the weight of those years of fear as I cowered in the darkened house.
Dash had much less of it due to the ongoing recovery.
She clung to me.

Dash was brave and ready, eager to explore a new adventure.

Eventually through my example Dove relaxed as did I. We walked with the many families of the early crowd. Mostly younger kids, mostly cute,
BUT then it turned....
I was walking and looked up to see the back of a man sized person in black cape and I froze. Panicked I was able to speak and let Beloved know the trigger he shielded me.
The kids caught on and sweet dash said "Mom, remember that this is not real..."
I told him that the memories were.
We made it to the house and then went next door for one last note...
to make it end on a high note for memory sake...
But then it happened again
right in front of our home.
It freaked me out.
I had to get in.
Beloved stayed with me close and we watched the family movie "National Treasure".
The children were taught that they eat nothing of the candy given until it was inspected by us. We explained that the "trick" part of the night was real for some sick people. Eat only out of our bowl. In our neighborhood folks sit in the driveways with a fire burning in old washer tubs. Many are known, two were actually teachers at the school.
I was a bit raw all night and slept close to Beloved and had to touch him all night to rest.

"I will restore every thing that the worm has eaten"
Love that passage!

Saturday morning
went to my meeting and shared about obeying my "Higher Power" by walking into what I saw before me. Again I became very triggered. I made it home to slip in unnoticed by the children only saying hi to Mr. U.
I hid in my closet for a good hour just to try to make the flash back and panic stop.
I was able later that day to tell of a bit of a memory of the mans back to me praying and dedicating me to the evil one. I did not agree!That impressed me about the memory
I DID NOT AGREE WITH HIS EVIL Prayer!
Still don't!
But I was able to remember without becoming incapacitated.
We worked around the house and mounted the rod to hang My Wedding dress back up on the bedroom wall (where it belongs...a constant reminder of who I am)
The kids attended a birthday party while I relaxed at a fabric store. I found a few patterns 75% off and some fabrics at $1.99 a yard (normally $12.-$15.). Daddy Man had alone time. He fixed my bike and replaced the 12 year old tires and tubes all around for all of us had flats. He watched a movie and just enjoyed some empty house time.

I took Dash on a Date after the party and we went out to the movies and then to a light dinner and shopping. He asked for a few new t shirts. I watched him be very respectful of his desires and was able to offer him a little more. His heart is so thankful. He held the door and was a perfect gentleman even bringing home a little gift for Sissy.
Dove and I had our date last weekend.
Sunday is another post:)