A day

lemon juice and simple syrup for the party on Saturday. The water will be hauled into the park. It will be mixed on sight with ice.
The orange topped are for beloved lunch.
the other two jugs are for drinking over the weekend.

Next...
Of course You did not think it was going to say clean for long?????did you???

Cupcakes for friday and a cake for Dash's party on Saturday...
oh life is so full...
Frosting tonight.
the hens need to get to work on some eggs for me.
This is the cake decorating center.
It has been sometime that I have done a cake.
These are the disposable bags here within reach.

Lemon frosting is the choice between us.
so that will get prepared
1 cup solid vegetable shortening
1 cup soften butter (1/2 pound)
4 pounds of sifted powder sugar
8 table spoons soy milk
4 teaspoons flavoring (vanilla or other) today lemon is the choice.

cream butter and shortening , add vanilla, gradually add sugar one cup at a time, Beat on medium speed until light and fluffy.
Cover with a moist towel or I store mine to decorate later when I am fresh and the cake is baked and cooled

This was a fun car for Dash.

A good laugh for you,

Now you know your dishes could not be this bad..
So you go get them done !
HAHAHH!
dishwasher is clean dishes run this morning!
to whom much is given!
:)
note the black sign
I guess I better relocate it HAHAHAH
Click to enlarge if you dare
send help and a bottle of lotion

Happy Adoption Day #11

Breaking down all rules and expectations upon myself...
I bought a cake :) Ha Ha
Racing fast the table got decorated as I finished just in time to run out the door.

When in Russia I purchased a gift for each year of her life to 21.
So long ago...They each were wrapped back then in baby shower wrapping paper scraps.

This is a porcelain doll made by artist there in St. Petersburg.

See the layers under the skirt.
Pantaloons and real fur slippers, and mink hat and sleeves.
All simple sewing machine zigzag and hand stitched .
She is so pretty.
She had to be rescued from the slide moments later when out doors the kid went to burn off all that sugar from the cake.

The center dark blue on the dress is velvet.
Fired hands , feet and face.

Why wernt you ready?

That was a good question. Asked my warrior sister who just gave me a good butt whoopin' :)
I just got back from a quick trip to the prayer meeting before bible study.
Got a good dose of fight!
A powerful tenacious woman held me accountable. She helped me get my focus back.
Dang to easy did I get off course.
Get myself straight to focus on praise and set my suit of armor on. Must of set it down along the road. Of course you know who took full advantage of that.!

I got to focus on the darkness.

Grabbed HIS arm reached out so today

Praise only my lip. caught myself within the first 15 minutes speaking about the darkness. Wow it is a slippery slope!

I got dove a cake for today to celebrate her.

How refreshed I am to have had somebody love me so hard. Hard as in she did not give a lovin inch! funny how easy it has to get loved so hard as to fight for me.

Alright get these feet shod with some peace
this chest right
tighten up some truth around me
protect this head with the reality of my salvation
this Sword got a dull edge there. Gotta get that edge honed.

striken' against that stone done dented the blade a bit

here I go !

This is my daughters adoption day by golly! I am gonna celebrate her!!!!!!

Why was I not ready? He showed me this, indecision, fear of choosing wrong, waiting, wondering.
Gotta ask the one who knows the beginning from the end.
forgot who the real enemy was there.
That is the best tactical defense to make em forget who the real enemy really is. The enemy got "me" all turned around.

hi

off to do Bible Study and the Art Masters presentations.
Hope you all have a great day.

Grieving a suicide is so hard!

I feel so angry that I could just split my skin.
I am so furious!
I cant even speak!
Oh I hope this tones down inside of me before I have to parent again in a few minutes.
This process with it's steps of
denial
shock
sorrow
blame
anger and
acceptance.

I accepted this happened long before I started getting angry about it!
I cant help but make mistakes left and right.
There is no remedy.
I am just so livid!
How do you support and help someone through grieving when your just wrecked yourself.
Just got to tend to my own charge.
Function and get through it.
I am just shaking, I am just so angry.
I am disgusted and repulsed at the way this world just rings people out and then just throws them away.
Conditioning them to failure and then just watching it all fall out.
I watch the legacy of my family of origin wreck havoc on these young
and I am incensed!
amazing thing is ...
its like I am the only one of them who sees it.

O.K.
So after about three hours of total exasperated anger I have talked it out with my husband and a good friend.
Thanks SJ, It is so hard to hurt so bad.
I think I just needed to own this anger and walk through the hurt of it.
We each have the innate right of freedom of choice.
Jason had that...
It is however very hard to see choices that are made based on the lives of those who make them
Had we all the perfect world, great opportunities, healthy environments and extended support we all might fair well.
That is rarely the case however for many of us.
Error upon error and extenuating circumstances can lead a life to end and has done so here.
I can not remove any of it.
No one could have made those choices for him.
We do influence however the outcome by offering hope.
I can not change a day of it.
All I could do was watch as it all played out over time.
That lack of control is what God must feel over us.
If he could just steer us into the right.
With all of Gods efforts ...
those subtleties are often so still that the clanging of temptations and trickery become all far more familiar and alluring.
Then the thief wins and another soul is lost to it.

"gotta plant corn if that's what you want to harvest"
His uncle gifted me with that thought.
I have been (literally) picking weeds all week, poetic.

It was really upsetting today to realize that my Mom died to the week few years back.
At the memorial my former sister in law found it necessary to give me an obituary of my step Dads (who I stayed estranged from) wife who died on the 2-25-09.
It was just a bit more than I could take.
Mary Margrett took her life in early March 11 years ago.

The Simple Woman's Daybook~March 2nd Edition

For Today...

Outside my window... The sun is shining and the air is calm. It is warm and begs of an early summer.

I am thinking... How life must continue...The duty of home and hearth, family and marriage. Supporting those around me who grieve. How frustrating it is to try so hard to do and say the right thing and have my words and actions misunderstood. All the while my heart hurts. How odd to have such peace. How merciful.

From the learning rooms...Art Masterpiece Prints are not available and I have four presentations tomorrow. I will get on line to study
The Green Parasol by Sargent
She-Ba by Vearden
Water Lilies by Monete
The Spinner by Meas
This will be the study for the next four eight weeks.

I am thankful for... understanding, vision and peace.

From the kitchen... Menus from the end of the last week awaits tending with several meat cuts needing to be cooked and plans to be clarified on menu for this week. Just somewhat overwhelmed.

I am wearing...A wine colored three quarter sleeve cotton top and capre jeans, my Merrels webbed hiking shoes. No earrings on that is unusual for me.

I am reading...research, a few blogs and just not much.

I am hoping... That my children can recieve and kindness offered around them while they heal from the loss of their cusin whom they so loved. That Dove does not have to put up with snoty little fourth grade girls today.

I am creating... this post. a moments breath at a time.

I am hearing... The Lab scratching at the back door.

Around the house... It calls to me to come tend it's corners, nuture the absence of my attentions. yet to rest and trust it will all get done in it's due time. The garden thirst and the chickens hunger for me to hurry.

One of my favorite things... The quiet of the morning. I let the kids have a slow start and let Dash stay with me untill mid morning to he could feel nurtured. I love having the freedom to put hearts befor schedules.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Art Master presentaions for the four class rooms tomorrow, Wednesday service work in the fourth grade class and then the big party on Saturday for Dashes eigth birday. I still need to get a gift and plan the event , make the cake. On Sunday We have a early aniversary date we bought tickets to a bluegrass concert on Sunday afternoon. Our 27th wedding aniversary is on the 20th this was the only event we both were interested in and we decided a week ago to get the tickets. This is the first concert we have gone to in years.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

Imagine this...
Hold every child you know tell them each how special they are.
Now each young adult you know think of how much it might mean to them to hear you tell them your proud of them.
Go to a mirror and look that soul in they eye and accept them for who they are.

Fairwell to Febuary 2009

This evening I wanted to go for a walk...
I had checked the chickens (found 6 eggs), I saw the sun setting at the end of this day...
When we went on an errand at noon, tending to the hearts of the children the iris were open when we returned.
I gasp and frightened Steve terribly as we pulled into the driveway.
they just took my breath away.
I felt as if God himself reached into me and touched me in the heart of my chest.
I found it literally took by breath away.

It was only yesterday I walked this yard and weeded the rocks as I prayed and played the lyrics of that song over and over in my mind.
I stopped and asked Him, the one who has known the beginning from the end...
I heard His heart on the matter before the sheriff called telling me they had found him dead...
I knew he was dead.
I cried hard and pulled every weed, and just pulled weed after weed after weed.
Then spent the day knowing what was to happen in a few hours.
I called to see if anyone had taken a boat around the lake and began a repertoire with the lead in the search.
This is how it came to be that moment after they had found Jason, the sheriff called me.
I then set into motion to try to help my sister upon her arrival at the airport.

what else answered He , the lover of my soul...it was to tend to my own affairs and keep to my tasks.
These are the things that I am to do.
He knew I would need no childcare today.
He knew I would be with them.
Right where I belong.

I slept mid day and was refreshed.
Steve and I watched a movie together while the children did so in the other room.

We came together at days end to spend time together.

While I was resting Dash's' box came for his birthday party.
We opened it this evening.

He was so excited and full of beautiful glee.
There is a "ball" pinata, candy and little trophy's and wrist bands that say "good sport".
Also a metallic banner (triangle banners)
Dash has his eighth birthday next week end

It was a bit anti climatic for him.

We all enjoyed the evenings walk and I am now going back to be with them.
One the walk we had to explain cremation and what is going to be happening in the following weeks. We answered the children s questions and I thought my heart was just tearing apart. I put a great deal of energy into keeping strong and balanced before the children.
It was so hard to speak of Jason being cremated.

They will hold off any memorial until after my niece gives birth.
There is a gathering tomorrow at 2p.m. I am a little iffy if I am to go.
I will again ask and do what is shown.
I am in a bit of a hard spot.
If I go...If iI do not go...
each way will offend perhaps.
I am trapped a bit.
I will follow what is right in my heart and that is the price I will pay.
Those consequences are the ones worthy of my investment.

My heart and soul are fixed on Him

My heart is grieving...
your kindness a balm...
all of you anoint me with it
the fragrance of your love
breathes into me strength.

This song has been over my head
for three days now.
It is the gift of God

They found him....

Rest my Sweet Nephew.. .
Jason
11-79 2-25-09
I will so miss you.

My friends please pray for my dear sister.

Please also pray for my nephews 6 year old son, and his little sister.

My Niece (his sister) who is expecting her first child in 23 days.
Cover her in your prayers please for safety of delivery and her health at the loss of her (only very close) big brother.

For his fiance who is also expecting.

And all of his friends

Please also remember our children , as they have lost their favorite cousin.

Thank you everyone

Thank you for your prayers they did find him

please pray

Life is a grind! ground beef that is...update

13 pounds of 1/4 pound patties

Swiss steak and slivered for stir fry

The kids came home to hamburgers, an early meal. At supper we will have a light meal, this will hold them over in a healthier way

I am TIRED!
We were up very late.
My young adult nephew is missing. Presumed to have gone up into the high country without telling anyone. Arizona is a state of extremes it may be 80* here today,but nights get cold in the desert, and freezing in the high country.
He may have taken off...off road in a not so dependable four wheel drive.
We are seeking aide from the rangers if no show within another few hours.
Would appreciate your prayers for him.
My sister is terrified and or angry, mostly just scared.

A busy afternoon for me.
There are two of these and three large London broils to cut.

Hope for brain damage caused from abuse

Internal damage to the matter of the brain from years of abuse is a real issue many survivors face.
It is only now being recognized as Non Epileptic Seizures.
This in itself a miss-nomer, for any thing that is not electrical has not been recognized by the general medical profession.
I am VERY fortunate to have been stumbled into the hands of a very few select professionals who understand the effects of long term abuse and yes even torture.
Very few survivors ever over come to this point due to many factors including ignorance , lack of support both emotional and financial just to name a few. Poor quality of care is also one of them.

It was in the 50's that they were doing mass frontal labatemies (sp?). Were they stuck ice picks into the brain via the eye socket and just tour up the frontal lobe. Scary thought.

It is a scary thought for those who suffer with this type of mental illness to get help. For me the road has been very long and hard. I am one who was aided in the process by an apparently very high intellect. I say that from the responces and results of countless test and studies.

Today upon returning to the neurologist I found that although there may be an exceedingly slim chance of MS. it is more than likely in both of our options that the issue is this neuro damage making its way out my bones through symptoms that are very much real.

So the neurologist has had a practice several years and decided a few years ago to further his education and get a doctrine in psychology. It is his offer for me to consider this proposal...

He has to have 7 sessions with client to finish his dissertation. He asked if I might be willing to to receive the cognitive restructuring (the only known aide to this N.E.S. condition) from him. Through my insurance using a covering of an office he will work under. He said that his liability insurance had no issue with it. He is in the process of getting a sponsor who is the head of the board of physiology. Under his covering he could pursue the last of his (second) doctrine. He would then use my case as a dissertation paper.

I am almost to cry. I do not know why I lived, but this is so amazing to think I may be able to get help, and to educated the medical profession at large. Help in the restoration from a very rare disorder that so effects those who live though abuse and or torture. The hard wirer of the brain is so difficult to restructure. It is like the torture never stops to the brain (not the intellectual part) and it just continues to respond like the abuse never stop.
I would help out some of those who might other wise become like so many I have known. ..dead at their own hand.

It is so very rare that any of us are able to function at such a high level. It is hoped that cognitive restructuring of the brain might give me a freedom from the systems that plague me to this day and are steadily getting worse as I (my brain) ages. It is by the grace of God that he created me so very bright as to be able to become restored to this degree. We know that this is his desire for my peers as well.

I told the neurolist I would consider his offer. He asked me to please not just let it go as far as keeping an eye on the symtems that are taking away my cognitive abilities. We might just be able to turn this around. I would be a test subject in this new and advancing breakthough in helping survivors to thrive.

On top of the N.E.S. is the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that is like the flight flight response. That is much more understood. However only just recently.
I have no present flash backs.

So what do you think about it? My friends do you as I think that perhaps this may just be a greater gain or purpose in the eternity of this. Yes I do mean eternity, for I know better than to think my life is just about me. It would ask so much trust of me...I do trust God. I am a much better judge of man, and more able to discern my own instinct as well than long ago. This Doctor seams an honorable man with dignified intentions, for me,the community at large as well as his own knowledge.