Grieving a suicide is so hard!

I feel so angry that I could just split my skin.
I am so furious!
I cant even speak!
Oh I hope this tones down inside of me before I have to parent again in a few minutes.
This process with it's steps of
denial
shock
sorrow
blame
anger and
acceptance.

I accepted this happened long before I started getting angry about it!
I cant help but make mistakes left and right.
There is no remedy.
I am just so livid!
How do you support and help someone through grieving when your just wrecked yourself.
Just got to tend to my own charge.
Function and get through it.
I am just shaking, I am just so angry.
I am disgusted and repulsed at the way this world just rings people out and then just throws them away.
Conditioning them to failure and then just watching it all fall out.
I watch the legacy of my family of origin wreck havoc on these young
and I am incensed!
amazing thing is ...
its like I am the only one of them who sees it.

O.K.
So after about three hours of total exasperated anger I have talked it out with my husband and a good friend.
Thanks SJ, It is so hard to hurt so bad.
I think I just needed to own this anger and walk through the hurt of it.
We each have the innate right of freedom of choice.
Jason had that...
It is however very hard to see choices that are made based on the lives of those who make them
Had we all the perfect world, great opportunities, healthy environments and extended support we all might fair well.
That is rarely the case however for many of us.
Error upon error and extenuating circumstances can lead a life to end and has done so here.
I can not remove any of it.
No one could have made those choices for him.
We do influence however the outcome by offering hope.
I can not change a day of it.
All I could do was watch as it all played out over time.
That lack of control is what God must feel over us.
If he could just steer us into the right.
With all of Gods efforts ...
those subtleties are often so still that the clanging of temptations and trickery become all far more familiar and alluring.
Then the thief wins and another soul is lost to it.

"gotta plant corn if that's what you want to harvest"
His uncle gifted me with that thought.
I have been (literally) picking weeds all week, poetic.

It was really upsetting today to realize that my Mom died to the week few years back.
At the memorial my former sister in law found it necessary to give me an obituary of my step Dads (who I stayed estranged from) wife who died on the 2-25-09.
It was just a bit more than I could take.
Mary Margrett took her life in early March 11 years ago.