A Life Uncommon

Good Morning
It is the fresh hours of early morn here. I awoke to see how very deeply within me is ingrained a habit of old. When in pain withdraw.
When my sister died in January it hit me in a hard way. This is what stepped me back stunned and shocked. It was the knowing. Hearing that she was going to do so.  Strange it is to see things before the events. This has happened so many times before. It is so very sobering. I could tell her about it and she was understanding.
Of late so many things that I have seen have come and are coming to pass. So I pray, grieve and stand back stunned at how life and the world around me is unfolding. My sisters passing awoke in my an understanding of how temperal this all is.

Today my beloved is to step into an MRI. A study set to investigate the shaking of his hands. His Father has it, as did his Mother before and so one. It has gone down through the line. I awake a bit concerned of him. I have not really had much of any concern of this for just knowing and being used to everything working out in the end with our trials. It most likly will in this too.

His Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow. She to will be fine. I think that the worry of these things evades me and for that I am grateful.

My sweet daughter is coming into her own. She is at the developmental stage of works that hurt. They can pierce to the soul. As a Mother we are, I am , to wash them off as if they are what they usually are ...the things of youth. The pushing away and the pulling up close.
She has made a few VERY hurtful comments about her "REAL MOTHER". Wow! now those sting. They open up that place within that all moms have. The knowledge of all the frailty and errors committed along the parenting path. Now of what I speak is the real guilt not the ones that folk so "oh well" we all make mistakes. These are the thing that I know I have done wrong. The horrible moments of parenting when stress removes the very heart of who we are as parents.

Now for an adopted adolescence the grass is questioned. If my REAL mom would of kept me my life would of been...fill in the fantasy. Meanwhile we who are not the birth mom who raise and love our own children hear the words that just come out in different ways for most moms. Well they can cut in a different way. Yet as moms we must thicken the skin as to not give the child too much power and harm their mental ability farther.  Ya know it does not make it hurt any worse.

I awoke this morning wondering if I did a search if I could come up with anything on her birth mom.  her mommmmm. It just does not sound right ya know... I am mom. It is hard for some adoptive parents to ever feel deserving of that title. Or we over compensate year after year hoping to be worthy. Judging more strongly the errors in our parenting.

Well my sweet son is here.
That is too say thoughts feelings and opening up my heart is to be shelved.

When I was a kid and I hurt...I pulled away. I then could not bring any more hurt upon me by making error. It was easier to hide than to cause some negative effect to compound the pain. Seams I am too good at that. Ignorant as I can be of the errors until after they are made. Then with hurt still undone there is more of a mess to mop up. Well that is the jest of my pulling away.