Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Good Morning
It is the fresh hours of early morn here. I awoke to see how very deeply within me is ingrained a habit of old. When in pain withdraw.
When my sister died in January it hit me in a hard way. This is what stepped me back stunned and shocked. It was the knowing. Hearing that she was going to do so.  Strange it is to see things before the events. This has happened so many times before. It is so very sobering. I could tell her about it and she was understanding.
Of late so many things that I have seen have come and are coming to pass. So I pray, grieve and stand back stunned at how life and the world around me is unfolding. My sisters passing awoke in my an understanding of how temperal this all is.

Today my beloved is to step into an MRI. A study set to investigate the shaking of his hands. His Father has it, as did his Mother before and so one. It has gone down through the line. I awake a bit concerned of him. I have not really had much of any concern of this for just knowing and being used to everything working out in the end with our trials. It most likly will in this too.

His Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow. She to will be fine. I think that the worry of these things evades me and for that I am grateful.

My sweet daughter is coming into her own. She is at the developmental stage of works that hurt. They can pierce to the soul. As a Mother we are, I am , to wash them off as if they are what they usually are ...the things of youth. The pushing away and the pulling up close.
She has made a few VERY hurtful comments about her "REAL MOTHER". Wow! now those sting. They open up that place within that all moms have. The knowledge of all the frailty and errors committed along the parenting path. Now of what I speak is the real guilt not the ones that folk so "oh well" we all make mistakes. These are the thing that I know I have done wrong. The horrible moments of parenting when stress removes the very heart of who we are as parents.

Now for an adopted adolescence the grass is questioned. If my REAL mom would of kept me my life would of been...fill in the fantasy. Meanwhile we who are not the birth mom who raise and love our own children hear the words that just come out in different ways for most moms. Well they can cut in a different way. Yet as moms we must thicken the skin as to not give the child too much power and harm their mental ability farther.  Ya know it does not make it hurt any worse.

I awoke this morning wondering if I did a search if I could come up with anything on her birth mom.  her mommmmm. It just does not sound right ya know... I am mom. It is hard for some adoptive parents to ever feel deserving of that title. Or we over compensate year after year hoping to be worthy. Judging more strongly the errors in our parenting.

Well my sweet son is here.
That is too say thoughts feelings and opening up my heart is to be shelved.

When I was a kid and I hurt...I pulled away. I then could not bring any more hurt upon me by making error. It was easier to hide than to cause some negative effect to compound the pain. Seams I am too good at that. Ignorant as I can be of the errors until after they are made. Then with hurt still undone there is more of a mess to mop up. Well that is the jest of my pulling away.

3 comments:

Denise said...

I love you sweet sis, you are being held gently in my prayers.

Susie said...

Withdrawing was your way to cope and without coping you would not be here.

Alex said...

I understand all too well your description of knowing events before they transpire. You are not alone in this experience.

I'm sorry for your loss and the grief. He uses these things well though doesn't He?

Bless you.

Older women likewise teach the younger women...

• how to love their husbands
• how to love their children
• how to be self-controlled
• how to be pure
• how to be keepers at home
• how to be kind and submissive (not subservient) to their own husbands. (See Titus 2:3-5)

Blog Archive

By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Words have power. Here are a few of my favorite sayings.

  • A warm cup of tea is like a cuddle with a friend.
  • The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for ‘friend’ than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, “the one who carries my sorrows on his back.”
  • Return with Honor
  • The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."
  • "HOME IS WHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS"
  • “Live so that when your children hear these words they think of you… Fairness Caring Integrity Honesty Love Trust.”
  • "O Lord help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomarrow I may have to eat them."
  • "No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes"

Click here for all crafts

e patterns My sister told me of this site

Please pray for her parents and family

Please pray for her parents and family
Amy has clicked her heals and flown to her real home. There is no place like home.

This was given to me for the third time in just a few weeks.

Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
"For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."

Thank You Ross

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Thank you all for the kindness you have shown me with every Award. I am embraced. You Are a blessing.

Thank you Michelle

Thank you Michelle

Thank you Annette they are beautiful
Thank You Annette
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