Love undeserved

Friends are around us a garland that can illuminate our way. I have three such who did so last evening. We four have met for many years to celebrate each other.
It had been far too long a time and a year has flown by us. At last we sat together around a table encompassed with mutual love and affection.
My head lifted up hearing of the lives lived, the days spent with children,, husbands. Lessons of the years time. Journeys ahead of each of us. ways parting in distance only as one of us is to leave to another state, to dwell far from us. It is o.k. to be sad she said. Thinking of the courage it takes to follow ones heart to walk into the vision and the dream of long years acquired. Even in the pursuit of a dream it takes the utmost belief that courage will prevail. My friends are love personified.
I am a very blessed woman. Many surround me who really are entwined in the love we have for each other.

We all find ourselves worn and tired of life during some seasons of our days. It is then that as last night we come to refresh our souls. Often I have wondered if I effect the tired heart as they do mine.

I have a special corner of my home that is set aside a sitting place. It is a corner of love, a place soft and still. Hours of time now spent here have shown how love can impact friendship. We all each one of us have these seasons of life that call for a tender heart to hold us in a special embrace. A corner in time where we too can extend outside of the self. Times have been for me within myself. Last night was so sweet to look out to see within the lives of my friends. Little boy stitches, Jr High wisdom and the courage of long distance relocation.

I have been so low that it is love to string me up, to tie me to remind me of love. My days will become dependent on others. Once again to lean into the kindness of those around me. It is for me a tipped scale for it is I who have been given more than any other. It is toward me that the cup flows. I have turned my head in a sort of inappropriate shame. Being so served, so loved, so cared for caused me great pause. For it is I who have had such a cup of compassion given.

I am a burden to others or at least that is what the enemy of my soul would have me believe. For who could ever deserve the kindness and generosity afforded me. "you have had enough you have had your share".
On empathy...those who have chronic illness are annoying. They bother folks. At least that is what some of us have allowed ourselves to believe. Now after years of looking like a person due the accusations of hypochondriac and Munchhausen the soul gets whittled down to the knee. In my case literally. I knew something was terribly wrong for several years before the Primary immune deficiency was identified. Now all those years just look like an embarrassment as judgement is dished out by some yet who do not get it.

That has left this woman depressed. Oh the words of a single man can wipe out the balm of so so many.
Thank God that man is NOT my husband.

Last night however sitting in that circle of friends...so depressed left me to wonder why it is that they love and care about me so. The three of them had it up their sleeve for several months now. To get us all together to celebrate each others birthdays...they were celebrating me...
I was so unaware, so caught up in loving them, seeing them after so long. Hearing them and enjoying just having us all together. I always feel like I wished I had done so much more for each of them sitting there. All I had given of tangible were simple necklaces made with one hand (literally). I chose findings that were special to the thought of each of them.

The three of them had gotten together some time back apparently and pitched in as a whole to give me a beautiful watch for my 50th birthday.  Then they added how they wanted to really do it up big...
Why do they love me as they do? How could others pour themselves out so when it has only been in my heart to do for them. Not so in my actions. Have you ever wondered why your loved so when it is not in anything deserved. They simply love me. I must of at one time really touched their hearts. I can't remember it.

Some in my lifetime have seamed to really resent that I am so loved by so many. I think that has made me feel so sad that they deserved to know this love too. It has left me feeling a guilt that does not belong to me.

It is like the world around me needs so much to know this love and I have been given so much of it...

Sitting yesterday in Physical Therapy for the first of what will be many many months ahead...it was awaken in me. I remembered sitting there so many many years ago. Seeing each soul pained in body as in soul in many cases woke me up a bit. It is time to intercede. It is come a day to once again sit pained in body lifting the souls of those who will be around me. Sharing the suffering. It is in that that my own suffering will be released.
I will have 6-8 sessions of physical therapy to get my quad ready for the total knee replacement scheduled on August 8th. With a shoulder impingement we will also be working to ready it for the use of the walker. It also looks as if my left wrist has a possible torn cartilage. We will be able to treat my shoulder as we did the knee and just keep it going as long as we can before corrective surgery will be indicated. My wrist is being guarded and injection of cortisone has calmed it enough for me to even type YA!
It has all just been too much.
The kids school begins 8/3 for Dash, 8/10 for Dove and my knee replacement on 8/8. The hardest thing is not being able to be there for the kids the way I want to. 

Pain has been tough, soon however it will be all but unbearable. Please if you could again afford me the kindness I do not deserve by holding up my little family in prayer. I am wrecked with guilt (fed by others as well) over my kids place in all this.  Many have spoken words of balance as to defuse those hurtful spoken things that float around in my head as it is. It is in the thoughtlessness of those few the battle is fought.

Shorty Bear calls for prayer

Eddie asked me to post on her site but I can not get in. She is in hospital and has called me to ask all of you for prayer. This is unlike her to speak up folks so you know this is serious. she is in due to some type of colitis, kidney infection, urinary track infection.

Eddie sounds pretty wiped out tired having to work and help her to hospital. They have been trying to get her blood sugar levels in order. 

So folks Pray for this woman who takes so much of her heart and prays for us.

Thank you

You can go over to her place shorty bears place

She is in hopital
1-423-778-7072 this is bed side. If you call please she is in hospital make it real brief. Just reminder of how loved she is.
This is posted at Eddie and Denise request.
Thank you

Great neiphew

Please pray for little Boy Blue. He was in hospital with rsv all weekend. Very sick baby.
Please also pray for his gram ma, my sister she has knee replacement surgery in two weeks and has been exposed to it.

Thank you

My Sister is alright

Thank you everyone for your prayers for her. she said she is fine. In late February she is scheduled for her other knee replacement. She can still use prayer for sure. We are actually meeting in the morning for coffee before the American Sewers Guild meeting. We have a fabric/pattern exchange.
I need to rest soon for the pillow did not great my head till after 2:30 a.m. the surgery sort of messed up my sleep cycle.
My port is better today, however tonight it is feeling tired as in pain is increasing. Just need to rest. Made it through the day without pain medication. It will be used tonight so rest can greet me more easily.
I saw the report of the Labs taken before the last infusion. Shows real improvement. I will better be able to fight off bacteria between infusions. Helps me be able to go into crowds without the threat.
Thank you all for the prayers. Tomorrow will be even better. My next infusion is on the 15th so the wound will be healed enough to be scrubbed sterile. Oh it will be so much less frightening knowing that lydican right at port and only the one stick will be a minimal pain. I am so grateful.

Prayers please

Hay folks
Dash and I had our allergy shots today.
He did great. This time it was me . I went into anaphylaxis  shock   :(
It was at the office and they quickly had me on oxigyn and injections and pills as well.
sorta wiped out. Steve came for me and we had to leave the truck there. Resting was well very easy to do tonight har har....dang i was doped out
My darlings need a fresh me in or on the marrow. It will also be under observation during the night and in the morning due to the waring off of the drug.
Thank you.

God is so good many awesome things are happening around here. So also smile at the future yours and ours.
Sleep well.

Prayers Please

Today Dash and I went to get our allergy shots. I forgot to take the medication first. My arm has a baseball size lump. Itchy as the dickens. We also had flu shots. I got the kids home from the office ran into the rest rooom all but to vomit. Mercy a big boo boo, mistake.
We weren't sure if it was the flu shot or the other. Now with the ball no joke on my arm well. I slept three hours should of gone to urgent care earlier. Steve offered to take me. A few crackers and my allergy meds took a bit of a hold. I just realized that there was a bennadril in the ivig supplies so here I sit awaiting it to help. I do not want to go anywhere just need it to reverse on it's own.

So think on these things...

Thankful 

Word Filled Wednesday

Our dear friend has let go of her mother today. She passed over this morning
PLEASE pray for her during this difficult time.

Denise here At Life at the Waldens

Calling all to prayer!

Fearless Friday

 

 Today I could sure use your prayers and thankful hearts for I know I am blessed. Every trial is a blessing and a gift to gain a greater capacity to love my self so that maturity to be able to love others likewise might develop.I know this .Praise is coming hard when pain and sorrow come to challenge me.  I saw a shooting star this morning. It had been my prayer to get to see the meteor shower. At 5 a.m. I awoke and thought to get outside. No easy task for I can barley walk.I was standing out in the grass. Felt so wobbly and my lab kept leaning on me and doing my best to steady myself I stood and watched.  You see even in that moment I knew that it was that my desire was heard and I awoke in time to see one last shooting star before the dawn. 
but...I sat on the sofa and nodded off for a very few moments to a dog (the golden) barking at the doggy door too unwilling to push the flap. I had to get up twice and by then I was angry, pained so that it frustrated me. I did not want the dogs to disturb my beloveds last few minutes of sleep.
Counting it all joy has not meant being happy, or unafraid, or not even being angry. I know I am so blessed to have the interventions of all these needles piercing my body. I know that there are so so many who suffer, truly suffer daily with the bones that hold us in this rheum.In this gratitude I am sad not really feeling sorry for myself but sad for my family, children my beloved husband. He stands beside me watched me cringe as needles once again caused a pain before the gain. I am told by a relative that it is to be stoic a matter of not entering into self indulgence. Yet I am not a woman of masks. As ugly as it might be freely said this is lonely.I know I am not alone.
This morning unable to help the kids much even in that I can see that independence is a good thing for them. Thinking though of life in their shoes so to speak again sorrow touched me. Counting it in all things that God is for me, us.  It is coming harder today as I sit here. Sit and enjoy a cool home, a full belly and the privilege of a nice computer and those who are around me both physical and in the midst of the shadows surrounding me. 
It is that my heart desires to hold fast to gratitude and praise fondly embracing He who is embracing me. I want to cry I want to be sad yet I do not. The suffering around the world is fierce and tremendous. This my meager pains pale but yet they are mine to experience. Just sorta wish they were not.
Please stand with me as it is my heart not to crumble but to stand within my heart for this is only a tempary pain. This whole of life is only temparary. I wish it could be longer than that. That time were a vacant threat. Children grow so quickly.
Today my son said..."I wonder what heaven looks like"?
"it is I believe not only a place to go but a place within me" was my reply.Please support me in this that the place within me remains a heaven in His presence as I struggle to simply abide.

 

CVIG primary immune , I.V.gamma globulin

Tomorrow 8 a.m. the second infusion will begin. It will be 6 hours out of the day.  Blessing flow in this difficult process. Up until three days ago I was like my old active self. When the gamma globulin wore off it was very noticeable to say the least. So the therapy is working. Bummer just for the IV.
I have found very little on line on this journey so I will try to take some images along the way. With low IgA levels there is a greater risk of anaphylactic shock. I may or may not be able to document the process. It is my hope however to encourage others. The first one was well I do not remember much. Tomorrow the numbing ointment should help with the pain in insertion of the large bore IV. Sorta hurts a lot to start.
I sure would appreciate your prayers. Last time I vomited and slept through it or was drugged through it. If I sleep I need to use the CPAP mask you can imagine I really do not want to loose my cookies in a mask. my hope is for first stick with no complications. We have IV anti nausea meds that were used last time. This time I will not tell her just a moment I dont want anymore. It was not even two minutes later that I heaved. So I will do my best not to neglect it no matter how stoned I may feel. We are going to try to avoid the benidryl this time. I has benefits though that are important regarding allergic reactions to the globulin.

I know who holds me in HIS hand and I practice courage. Pray for my nurse Ashly, that I might make a positive difference in her life. It is my desire to bless her. Pray for the kids they will be at their Aunts all day starting 7:30 yikes I hope we can wake them up. Pray for my sister that she will have the stamina to enjoy the high energy of the kids. That she will have insight to respond according to their abilities. It is so easy to forget that Dove is special needs. Sweet Dash got hurt TWO times today both accidents both forgiven, both times Dove was heart broken she hurt him. I am teaching her to stand up to the fight flight thing and just to speak up. I was harsh with her when the boy got hurt again. A bloody lip. I just sent her to her room before the investigation and it really hurt her feelings. Tomorrow I trust them to GOD and to the hands of another.

See you all on the flip side.
Thanks for your prayers and rejoicing over this amazing chance at a life of health.

post scrip...slept most of the time. The anti-nausea meds make me very sleepy. It went well.

Good News On My Sister

NO CANCER IN THE LYMPH NODES

Surgery was late into the night.

We are awaiting the results on the lung biopsy 72 hours

Thank you for all your sweet prayers for her.

My Sister is in surgury tonight

She is my dear friend.

My sister 18 yrs my senior is in surgery at this moment and for another two more hours as of last report for lung biopsy.

She has fluid in lung and lymph nodes.

Please pray for her only Daughter who lost her father just one year ago at the same hospital.

Christmas Love Prayer...Eddie and Denise need it

Good Morning A Blessed Christmas
Eddie is alive this Morning your prayers were so embraced.

Update

I just received a call from Denise.
The torment of the last few hours has been excruciating for her.
She discribes the events as the worst thing that she has ever seen.

Her sister arrived last night, she is also a diabetic.
Denise ended up in the ER her blood sugar spiked  and she was vomiting .
As soon as she would ease the same thing began with her sister.
Eddie was in a room and she could not get to him for the ER would not let her.
She convienced them not to admit her and to just let her see her husband and that that would ease her distress.
Eddies blood pressure spiked I mean really spiked!
At one point she got released from the ER and got back to him.
He was awake, unable to walk without a walker.
Dragging his legs.
She saw he was sweating so she got a cloth.
As she turned he said that he felt he was going to vomit and just at the very moment he fell back into her arms and began to seize they called in a trauma team and resesitated him.
She was ask to leave the room to a waiting room where her sister then fell ill to high blood sugar levels and DENISE had to car for her.

I have told Denise to ask a nurse to tell her sister to leave.
Eddies people are coming, I told Denise to have the nurse talk with them and tell them that your strength is limited and to not ask her all the details.
I told Denise that each time she repeats it it is like being punched in the heart.

She has not been able to stay with Eddie, only allowed to go in ever few hours.
He has been sleeping she has not seen him conscious sense before the seizures.

I am tempted to take up a fund and see if we can fly me out there and rent a car to be with her.
Steve has off till the 4th. I would have child care. The funding is an issue. I am in Arizona.
Please continue to pray.
I read several of your comments to her a few moments ago and it really strengthened her spirit.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
Donetta at A Life Uncommon

My Husbands Cousin is in fatal condition he is 20 years old.

 Family emails of the night

Please Pray

 

Joey called me back again, He made it down to his Dr. with his test results.

His Dr. did put him on meds but told him that they would not work most likely, but he should be fine until Monday and he goes back in then to check up.

At least he is getting things done now and I feel a little better about it!

He will most likely have to have surgery before this is all said and done but for now we will see.

Steve's Aunt just called me.  Her Daughters son, Joey who is in his 20's, I think, is in the county hospital (he has no insurance) with a serious heart problem.  They said "half of his heart is hard and unresponsive" and they are saying they have not seen a condition like this before.  They are saying it may require surgery and possibly a pacemaker and / or correcting blockage problems.  They said it would be emergency surgery.  Then later they realeased him from the hospital to come back when they find out something, thus is the Obama health care.  So now they are awaiting tests and it is an ongoing thing to find out what is wrong.  His parents came down from Prescott Valley as soon as they heard.

Please keep him in your prayers.  Will let you know when I know more.  I know they are all so worried.

Just heard an update about Joe, The Parents... son. Steve's Aunt  just learned that it is extremely serious.  It is an inherited condition and it is fatal.  His Mother is distraught as you can imagine.  Although Joe does not have health insurance the county hospital is going to take him to Mayo.  He may have surgery but we don't know when.  Please pray for him and the whole family.  

LOVE NEVER FAILS

Thank you for your prayers

My legs are terrible painful tonight. It is my hope to serve at the elementary tomorrow. I help children with reading skills. My little small group has been without me. They do need leadership. One of the children stepped up and kept on task. I want to be able to walk so I can be there for them tomorrow.

Please remember to pray for my daughter she is to go to sleep without me beside her. My pain just will not let me lay there. Or sit here much longer.

I appreciate it. The second round of injections were very painful to the right knee and the leg is just having a fit.

Thankful Thrusday *change

Perspective


On a cold fall morning the children in the car with me cozy and happy.

They took off when it was time to do so and I was off to go get my teeth cleaned

Now I did not know I had an appointment today until I received a call reminding me so.

Do diligently I attend to spend a good hour listening to the heart of the dental hygienist who is in ever woe over a special needs friend a woman in her 40's who has no one and is really being taken advantage of in the world. She cleans my teeth and talks and is listened too. She was so sweet she came to me after the visit and asked a hug thanking me for listening and offering some supportive suggestions.

She whispers to me to think more highly of myself than I do that she really is inspired by me.

Now my friends this morsel of meat helped my wherry bones at that very moment.

I was just told that I have to have two root canal re treatments . One has an abscess (this explains the lethargy) and the other is rotting out under the crown and is a ticking time bomb.

The appointment was made and you know what the specialist could see me in 45 minutes!

After the estimates for the two new crowns I was to be out of pocket $850 at the dentist.

I arrived at the orthodontist within a few moments still spinning in a cloud of just being in His hands. The sweet receptionist was kind and then I heard it. YA ALL' Yes! she was from the south now just two months hence. It delighted me to hear her. With the kids in school I was set to have the consult and mentioning kids she opened up about a special needs grown brother she has back home. We hit common ground and mutual respect in an instant.

I went in to the consult and liked the fellow right off. Very professional. HE understood PTSD and was thoughtful and respectful as well.

Within 15 minutes I was being prepared for the first of two root canals.

Yea I will last a few more moments here and I must let the sofa catch me before I fall.

Rejoice with me he was able to save one of the crowns. There is a complication however that might call for a surgery to do the repair from an incision.

CAN YA HEAR THE REQUEST 

FOR PRAYER HERE folks!

Tomorrow at 9am the next root canal redo. It is a risk that if the tooth is too far gone under the crown again I may be facing another tooth pulled and eventual implant procedure.
As it stands $600. out of pocket today and other $1080. tomorrow.

That is if nothing farther is indicated.

Thankfully I did not have any time to be concerned.

The Dentist smiled when I told him I just pray for them and that helps me take my mind off of what your doing to me. It was a true expression of Joy and humility.

This is so GOD.

Monday another set of injections on my knees is to be done. I have had to rest all week from the last one and the trip. Pray for Steve.
I am sorta out of commission another day or two and then again Monday.

Thankfully never alone.

The best thing was

When I called my sweet lovin man to tell him as I sat there awaiting the consult

His words to me

"Oh Hun I am so sorry you have to go through all this"

I had not even given myself any thought for all I was thinking was oh $$$$$

Please help Steve be alright.

The shots are wearing off and I am going to go lay down.
Ya know it all happend so fast I did not even have a chance to have any concern.

God...His ways are so much higher.
ya know that if I would not of had that check up today these things may have exploded into much more serious issues in only a few days time.

Call to prayer

Please pray for Annette

Her brother passed away unexpectedly last night.

visit her here with encouragement if you please

please pray...

My husbands Maturnal Uncle by marriage...
is on death watch he last day...moments.
The family is circled around.

ocean baby nursery

Another Great Nephew is soon to arrive.
His daddy is gone on so we are surrounding this baby with the things that my nephew loved...namely under the ocean.
His mother has two other kids and is going to school and working...at the loss of my neiphew she has also lost the dream of all of them being a family and having a home together. Now she is in a studio with the kids.

The fabric I am using matched the fabric my sister is making the crib ensemble out of.
I will be making four pillows...one for each child and two for the mothers bed. They are all in one room together...
The mother likes orange so I will back hers with it, the girl with the yellow and the boy with the green. Then I will make the baby a mobile of fish and shells (?).

The green under the mobile frame and the yellow and the orange will all be for the pillow backings.
the green foreground looks so like scales that I think it will be a part of the fish on the mobile.

The babies mobile will have the black and white ribbon to the hanging fish.
The backing of the pillows will make up the fish.
I'll try to do some cute embellishments too.

mine is the block hers is the bundle of swatches to the right an amazing thing for the fabric I am using is one i have had many years.

With space at a premium I thought to make the mother a organizer that will hang on the side of her bed for when she is feeding the baby and such. The Mom loves spiders...so this blue set to colors was true if you look closely it is little spiders.

Please join me in prayer for this Young Mother who is giving birth to the son of her love who is now no longer living.

This is a hard time for so many.

My Sister and M. (for mother) hurt more deeply than many of us could ever truly understand. They have each others backs. My niece is also suffering the loss of her big brother and the experience of her first child now who is just a few Months old.

There will be a baby shower soon.

Good Sunday to you/yours and to us...

After a night awake in prayer
At the rise of the sun I went to the garden
Worked the three of four foot of earth to till.
This is how it looked at mid day

Under the giving tree this morning once again a gift
It has been a long while that a gift has been left.
Funny gift under the giving tree today
You see we had an extra child (two) all weekend each evening a 5th person for supper and the set of 4 tables THAT MATCH THIS ONE was leaving one person out!
A 5th table brand new!!!!!!!!!!

The cool of the kitchen called to me after a good nap on the sofa
after the mixing and kneading the racks were set out to receive the gifts of the oven.

Breakfast cookies for my beloveds' morning meals

Peanut Butter cookies for the kids and snack time

yes that is a well used oven
:)

At the sink is the joy of a gardener
Beans and peas so happy to have been given the inoculate

shelling peas

Blue Lake beans

A cooks life
:)
dishes cleaned while my darling built the soil screen I need to save my hands the hard work

The root vegetables want for free growth no clod or stone to interrupt the reach for life.

The beauty of fresh cookies
Whole wheat peanut butter (1/3 soy butter) shhhh

Christmas is in the works as the lay outs continue

Repairs and a pin for me of some sweet little Russian findings I have had many years.

Unlike the sunrise woman the sweet man would rather the heat of the day than to rise when it is cool. Silly to me but this is his way that I will just shake my head at and respect.
He worked to get the fence up
It is awesome!
He was able to move the gazebo over a bit by removing the brick boarder.
He tour up and out the cement boarder and took out the block.
This has been an issue all these years
Keeping Bermuda grass out unless strong poison is used is impossible.
We do not wish to poison if we do not absolutely have to for the safety of family and pets. We just do not believe in killing in such an indiscriminate way.
Now for desperate insect issue indoors we will only do so it and when we have exhausted all other methods even then I really do not like to need to do it.

A garden tour reviews many young starters

multi colored summer squash

zucchini

giant pumpkin

Spaghetti squash

a few tiny cucumber in the back ground

corn and ? perhaps the flowers

Blue lake planted without the inoculant several days ago...
what a difference!

All the while the kitchen busy with baked goods
breads

cookies for treat and for breakfasts

Well giving him Gateraide and ushering him in to cool the gazebo is in the sights
Can you just imagine how awesome it will look all grown in with vinesBread and jam for a paupers meal
Eat breakfast like a king
lunch like a prince and supper like a poor man.

So the Daddy man is playing with the young ones and I rest and relax here...

If you have not read the wonder of Amy's journey so see over here what transpired in the middle night hours...

In Dark of night...Spiritual Sundays

join us here

In the dark of nigh
In the quiet hours
Sit I immersed in the time
Time of distractions
Time of prayers
Alone
Yet not alone
sit I
In my heart a family
Amy's family sits
In the dark of night

Can you not sit
and pray one hour
I recall His request
There in that garden...
sat they who fell into slumber
Awake
knowing there
Sits a Mother, Father niece and others.
Sit I

How can it matter
though I know it does
if we sit in the stillness of the middle night hours
Is it for a weight that we might lift
lift only ever so small a corner.
I know my Friend
He knows it matters
If I sit in the midnight hour.

now the dawn will soon rise
Hours they linger
past now four or more.
A flash in time to sit
quiet and knowing
Those that He longs for to comfort sit
sit in the middle nights hour.
grieving
hurting suffering the sorrow
they sit immersed in the surrounding cover
that balms them now
in twilight time

For the day will dawn
time will come drawn
into the light of mornings promise
much of life will continue
yet not for all this be true
for many will bring with this dawn a loss of a loved one.
The day will bring many to surround them
many voices and embraced to console
remember the quiet
hold them then without the
loud weeping and the trumpet refrain...

I know not of those outcomes of Dear Amy this night

Of this though I am sure of
there are oh so many who need us to sit
still in the watch tower
and to pray for just one hour
it may just be silence and a compassion well deep
to be there within that gap
while another might sweat great drops as if blood
come from some deep suffering..
A choice to lay down to a life time of selfish design
Choice can come hard won
suffering a great price then to pay
yet greater the gain yes?
greater the gain
So hold one another
in those quiet hours
those times of great pain
often just in silence

at 5:28 am