Feet of a dancer thank you my friends for being here.

my axis

 

I have been trying to find a way to explain what my grief experience is like.

I had no center until my Sister Midge came forward and confirmed the truth of what I remembered.

She set a "y" in my life that gave a sense of stability to the truth of my life. That gave me a security to begin my ability to find my self hood. After our Mom died she and I rarely spoke of our experiences for many of them were at mothers hand. It was like mom was gone, we both knew the truth, that was enough.

We after that only really exchanged what one might call small talk. She was my friend but within our friendship for many years a lack of intimacy ruled. This rule set by religion. She was LDS and she had her beliefs and I had mine. We never criticized each other but I think we did judged each others beliefs at time. It was a gap that was left a chasm.

She gave a touch stone to me of "Y" keeping me centered on this earth. Like a triangle she is now a missing edge.More however like a drawing. She was a familiar corner that created a center. One who confirmed my existence in a singular way that no one else could ever replace. With all of my other family we many of us have affection, an affiliation of sorts and struggle though the attempts of friendship.

Midge was my friend.

Now to everything there is a season. It is now my season to be left with a change in the "y" axis that keeps me a center. She was a mentor of sorts. To everything given there is something to be taken away it is the way of things. Recently a mentor has been made present to/for me, she however shares a common faith or belief system. She will never replace the axis of Midge. I no longer need that axis for the drawing has now been rendered in that rendering the axis is there unmarked perhaps but the very design of the drawing establishes it.

I have lost my axis in one way yes in her death but she lives through the rendering. The drawing that would not have been possible had she not come forward, if she had not practiced the very act of courage and self sacrifice it took to do so. I grieve that it was only in those short moments of life we were one in togetherness and kindred in such a way as to be able to speak of the deeper things of experience. That I grieve. It is for me that I grieve not for her. For she is no more here to suffer in that she is at piece it is to be celebrated that her life was such a gift to so many.

I grieve what we never had or at least only had for a short time. She and I we safe with each other to be real. We lacked however the ability to be truly deeply intimate in the things greater those things of the Spirit.

So those of you who wonder of me and the grief I as walking through, that is the core of it. I am worshiping the act of Gods provision through her courage and love. Her sacrifice and honor.

I choose to live this day to tend to the living.

I grieve the lack of friendship in the things of the spirit never now having chance here on this plane. However she is now Spirit. God is Spirit and I am His Friend. She is with Him now in Spirit.

It is now that we have attained that intimacy so longed for .It is in the clarity of Holiness that one day we will be known and know each other.

Then nothing else will matter or hinder our friendship.

I have peace and sorrow is tempered so much by it. I have actually wondered if I am grieving wrong. Because I am not like it sounds like I should be...I mean so many of your wonderful sweet kind comments are really how I feel. I do have peace. I am walking forward. I know we all grieve differently. We all have differing relationships as well with those whom we are grieving for.

I got to say good by, I spoke with her even recently about how I knew she wanted to go home and that I understood. This before she even got hospitalized. I knew she was going home days before she did, this knowing was told me by no person. I saw her going home and had days to process and grieve it before I even heard of the plight she was in. I had the hawks that morning visit to see that I knew God 's presence near. To reassure me of her salvation.

It is the living who I morn for those around me without that.

I said to her my heart and thanked her for being my friend just before the pulled the ventilator.

The axis of my days are only found in my God he is all I need to hold the drawing of my life into the architectural building He designed. She just got to be one of the tri pods for a season of my days here. She was a very important part of who I have been able to become.

Care for the living

I E P
The report was very good news . She has improved significantly from the two years ago in most areas. There are still 2 areas that she fell significantly below so she will have a 502? set in place next week is the meeting to set it up. This will give her special considerations. She is a great kid.
I went very well.
I said to the women...My sister died yesterday. They were all starteled. I told them that this day I choose to live for the living and to care for the living. There will be a time for everything under the heavens. Today. I care for the living. Focused only on that.
lunches
Dove had a field trip to the park. So this morning I'm let in on it that she needs a packed lunch! Well I knew I would just have to get it to her later . So I went to the grocery and got them each a bag with a sub sandwich, a drink and some chips in it
and took it back to the school. There was some mix up that Dash was told he would eat in the cafeteria he took his bag over to Doves room. Dove had TWO lunch's! She ate them~
So when Dash got home it was a real hurt to find out what happened to him.
I gave him first choice at the doughnuts I got for them.

grocery's
When I got the lunches I noticed that the meat was only 1.77 lb. I am out of it. I had prayed about that task and how the meat was gone in my freezer. Well I asked the butcher if he could clean up a few large roasts for me when I came back shortly for them I found out he had cleaned the 5.99 lb in a misunderstanding. I told the other butcher no thank you on the 5.99 and asked if he would again get me the largest roast back there. He could not understand that I did not want to buy the cut london broil, that I wanted as few a cow in my meat as possible. He asked again...so what is it that you are afraid off? That erked me abit, I replyed that is just my boundry thank you. "boundry?" he said what does theat mean...should I have explained:)

Later he came to me while I was shopping in the produce and offered me the three cut roasts for that was a misunderstanding on their part and asked if I might receive them. Of course I said. I then told him of how his tone changed and said MAM JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT....now I had clearly told him...So I then explained again that it is a commitment that I make to my family to grind from as few a head represented per pound as possible. I said that perhaps I thought I had lost his respect in his tone of MAM>>> he said well miss sometimes offend totally bipassing the point.

any way....I have meat to grind. 30 something pound at !.77 per pound. Best deal I have had in a long while.

after he walked away some onions fell of a shelf and I started laughed at them. A woman looked up and I said they are jumping of the shelf saying "buy me". She laughed and it made me laugh and it felt real good.
I told her it felt really good to laugh. I said "my sister died yesterday and I really needed that laugh."
I told her that My act of worship today was to care for the living.

lemons
On Creig's list I saw that a fellow was asking if anyone wanted Lemons...yes they look like oranges. They are a hybrid of orange but oh they are lemon! Tart and wonderful. When I got there there were thee other women who had just about stripped the tree. The fellow said that there were plenty on the other side of the wall. It was a vacant house. So I went out to drive around. A car pulled up with two ladies in it and I told them their were not any more and omitted the fact there were in the other yard. Tacky of me a show of poor Character on my part. So in an amends I gave several over to them as I picked. Peace was made. It was true that there were no more on that side but there were possibly more on the other side of the wall. Selfish I know.
I have a greater appriciation for the crown of thorns. This tree had 2-3 inch ones and my arms testify of it.
I worked hard a good hour or so and came home with a good supply for the summer. They will need to be juiced and frozen up. My arms are so scratched up. I did have gloves though.

more grocery's
On the way home I stopped at the Trader Joe's to get the non dairy items we need. Got yogurt and the soy ice cream, eggs and a wonderful stalk of Brussel sprouts. Pulled in and unloaded all but the lemons. Left them here for Steve to lift in. At the store lemons were .39 cents each...think of it. Understand why I went to work for them?
There was a woman behind me in line. My time was tight to get to the house before the kids but I thought I would have enough to let her go ahead, she had a dog just from the vet who had terminal issues. I let her go ahead and gave her empathy of her pup. She said "oh that is just the least of it too. If you only knew?"
It was sereal, I looked at her peacefully and said "my sister died yesterday"...
She said "Oh sweet heart and instantly embraced me and held me. I wanted to melt a bit and stood my ground and rested there in that still of the peace. Thanked her and asked of her dogs name and hers. Told her I would pray for her. She asked mine and said the same.


kids home
Well Dash was all upset, he found out on the bus that Dove cheated him the lunch. He was upset. She tried to make amends to him but it took a while.

Fell asleep hard on the sofa
Dash came and sat by me to watch stupid TV and I just leaned over and fell out hard asleep for an hour or so. Real asleep like nothing could of shook me. I dryg myself awake to make a salad as per the kids request. A million song lyrics flowed little parts and pieces as if a medley of words flooding into the expression of the depths of my soul. It was very cathartic. Odd tunds from all areas. Many years and hymns too. Strange how it was as if I just listened and found a strange humor in those words lost so long ago in the ebbs and cracks of my mind.
Steve walked in just then and we all enjoyed each other and the air was light hearten.
made a big salad we all watched home edition


SILove came, her father just recently passed. She came! Wow how very loving she and Steve's Brother came to give me kindness. A beautiful vase of roses WHITE CHRYSANTHEMUMS and lilies with one sweet red rose in the center. A very loving card as well.
I then felt that loved cry within me. We all went back in after they left and it hurt in my heart cause I was loved. THat old healing thing that happens when I am loved. Dove kept asking if I was alright. She reached over to hold my hand and I just said my heart hurts. Dash had asked why? I told him because my sister died.
He said "so"? Whats the big deal? I gave him an example of how if his sister would never be seen again what he might feel like, I think he got it.

White Roses = purity of spirit
White Chrysanthemums (again) = truth
Red roses = love
Lilies= ? He is the lily of the Valley, He is the bright and morning sun

So here I sat while they played on the computer way too late for a tired kid. Dash got on his Daddys last nerve. I interviened and said wow it is so late, they must be so tired. What a big day.
Oh guys that orphanage dance drives me CRAZY!!!!!!!!! So Dash just pushes and pushes trying to plead a case where NO was NO. Would not STOP. He believes NO one has the right to tell him what to do.
OH well it will happen all his adult life that he will have to do things he does not want too and that he will not be able to get to do things he wants too. So to that he would not STOP still.
In the orphanage he learned to do this dance where he got what he needed or wanted by raising a holy stink till he was heard. Unfortunaly by that time they would lose it with him.
I Lost it with him tonight I just lost it. Blew it. Oh I just hate it that I am the adult and I LOST it.
It is so hard, he was too tired and would not let no be no. An injustice was had and come hell or high water he would just not drop it and stop arguing that case teil I lost me temper.
Steve appoligized for ignoring and for not stopping the gaming before they got so tired.
Oh I know I have to give myself A break. Unfortunatly the break is in the cord.
So I will have cords to mend in the morning.

Doves IEP today

This morning is a bit like swimming through molassis trying not to feel bad about any and all acts of omission with my darling sister. I know it is a simplw assault on my mind.

Still gotta swim through it.
Dove Individualized Education Plan meeting with the  school is this morning at 8 a.m. so gotta muster it up from Him , from within.
Take courage and look forward to seeing the working out of it. Heavy chest as in heart.
here I go

Painting Doves Room

 For the living!

An act of worship.

This little man will soon have his own room back.

I worked all day on Doves paint job.

I found a sweet pink vanity for her and a little stool.

That mirror is an antique very heavy found it for $16. good deal!

 

 The blue shelf will go under the green square for her necklaces.

The shelf to hold treasures.

 

 It has a little drawer and was already painted this collar.

It is the accent she wanted this vivid pink

 

 The little stool was also a $16  find too.

I went to good will, then a savers thrift...on the way home an antique mall caught my eye.

I ran up and down the store looking in every booth.

Found all I needed.

A bit of a pop for the vanity but $50 is not too bad for it really.

It had a good 2 yards of pink fabric tacked around it and extra of it in the drawer.

Off it came with lots of rick rack too.

 

 It sits privately here in the corner so brother can not bother her.

 

 

 

There are plum d

sheers for the window off a clearance.

One long so I need to trim it first and get Steve to put up a curtain rod for me

 

 

 Just by her closet so she can just grab and look if she wants to ware it.

This is for a full length mirror. I'll pick up a cheep one at a wal-mart or target?

 

The door is still to put on.

This week end we will move her bed back in here.

I will make up her bed with her new clean linens from Christmas.

It is my hope to even get her to lay on the bed to read at first but one day for her to sleep on her own again.

I have a garage of her things too.

It felt great to complete the paint job.

12 hours one day and 10 hours today.

take care of the living

focus...up...take care of the living.
Angie 's teaching up water on washed my face hot towel. focused take care of the living
toast and lunch for the kids they are off to school
take care of the living huu ahh!
Gods not dead he is alive Gods not dead He is alive Gods not dead He is alive I feel Him all over me.

a bit of a crushing in my chest it is sorrow
sorrow for the living not the dead for she lives in God she is only on the other side of the Vail.

take care of the living pulled my frame up onto the side of the bed. press on into taking care of the living.
doing so today
refrigerator cleared of old left overs, the living need me to shop for foods...do I feel like it it matters not or little to it for it is for me to press through to
take care of the living.
my tree needs water
the garden tending
the dogs need attention
the chickens too
dishwasher is mucky with the minerals so vinegar is running through it before I do a load.

I breath take care of self coffee made sits beside me. my keys at my hand open my heart and my mind to process and reach out.
The gift of loneliness is reaching out.
Paint clothes on I must tend to the living to get Dove along the way into her room begin her transition to sleep on her own again., She needs the normalcy soon. I must press on and through
care for the living
life is here awaiting us
He is alive
live
breath
heal

love heals

i never cried for many many years literally never cried.
this love that is given me heals me
I am crying
they say that the gift of sorrow is healing
love heals
just a few moments ago my neighbor across the street rang the bell

earlier today the kids thought her dog got out. They went across the street while I watched them, she was in the back yard and came to the gate. the dog was secure inside and the children went back to the house to play.
She loves God like many of us do. I told her my sister just ...I told her I just said good bye
she did not understand me then she asked me when that did happen in her broken english
I told her just 30 minutes ago
she held me so tenderly she held me.I had to hold it together for the kids
She gently held so sweetly walked me all the way to the door opened the door said go in and rest.

it is late now 10 p.m.
she just rang the bell and when I opened it she gave me a chrysanthemum plant
I got my flower book out for I love the meaning of flowers as in Edwardian days.
Truth...it said the white chrysanthemum is truth...it is said how amazing such a small stem can hold such a large flower...

It is more than the stem that holds me up it is love.
thank you everyone for your healing loving kindness. it is healing me he is healing me in love and through love
thank you

Machine crash results

My machine was apparently crashing from the adobe flash player my husband installed the latest bata 10.1 and it seemed to fix the full screen hulu and the issue with the blog crashing when using life at my house. Still have to shake out if it solves the image download issue

Crying me a river tonight

1. Shall we gather at the river, 
 where bright angel feet have trod, 
 with its crystal tide forever 
 flowing by the throne of God? 
Refrain:
 Yes, we'll gather at the river, 
 the beautiful, the beautiful river; 
 gather with the saints at the river
 that flows by the throne of God. 

2. On the margin of the river, 
 washing up its silver spray, 
 we will walk and worship ever, 
 all the happy golden day. 
 (Refrain) 

3. Ere we reach the shining river, 
 lay we every burden down; 
 grace our spirits will deliver, 
 and provide a robe and crown. 
 (Refrain) 

4. Soon we'll reach the shining river, 
 soon our pilgrimage will cease;
 soon our happy hearts will quiver 
 with the melody of peace. 
 (Refrain) 

i just said good bye

my niece held it to her ear
i told her how grateful and privileged i felt to of walked this path with her. i thank her for coming forward so many years ago and  that she saved my life. I told her how i know it said that those who go on before stand at the right hand of God ever interceding for us and thanked her in advance for doing so.
i told her i loved her

she had been brought out of sedation and she could hear me but not speak
her daughter said she had to hang up and go to comfort her.

I am so sad and my eyes are pooling a river though the woods
she is going home within moments.

icu it is time to go home

Today my Sweet Sister Midge was put on a ventilator...she has a DNR order so my niece will be removing it after the grandsons see her and say goodbye. My niece is in the conference room at this very moment. She will be holding the phone to Midges ear so I can say goodbye to her. I know that she has peace.
I received the call while I was out.

On the drive home a saw a hawk...it was souring over a field. The song and lyrics came to me."humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will life you up, up unto heaven."

I sat there at a very long light until the hawk had made his way high up into the updrafts.

I drove farther and as I turned down my little short cut...a hawk flew straight toward me along the roadway and lighted on a pole above me, There was no traffic and I stopped in the middle of the road. Rolled down my window mot 12 feet below him. I said "hi beautiful" and he flew off into the trees.

She said goodbye, The sweet Spirit said it is as it should be. To let her go and to take inspiration from her friendship and her life.

my big sister will die today  to arise with Him up into Heaven.
Good bye Midge my friend I love you...
i am sad but peace has it's way with me. I grieve for the living that have not peace. For my niece she too has peace and I rejoice in that

All we have need of

Good Morning

So far so good....

Crashed a few times but this is working so far.

You know that monitor that Steve fixed well it works and in answer to our direct prayer of request he has a new monitor, well new to us.

The flat screen on the right replaced the old on on the left.

On the left is Dashes station, Steves old monitor  replaced the old on there.

It too was giving up its use. The two old ones were VERY old.

They served us very well.

We inherited them from his old plant before it shut down over 5 years ago.

They were old and well used then.

Well they lasted until now.

His dads the flat screen stopped working.

He replaced it with new and sent the bad one home with my sweetie.

Two capasitors latter a total of around $6 we have a new monitor and a grandfathered on for Dash.

Both needs met. Dash will use that one until it is dead.

Steve can not get the full use needed out of it but Dash will just use it for homework and games.

 Doves is to the left here in second image.

Look at all those finger prints!

This room is the man cave and the game center.

This way the kids are always attended when on computer and he has set up strict guide lines.

 

I'll try to see if this will make it to post

fire fox is crashing
Denise of life at my house, I can not post on your blog. Each time I visit you my machine crashes. You know how bad I would just love to be able to say hello...If you read this please let me know. Have you had any reports of this issue by any one else. It is possible it is an attachment or link. It may not have anything to do with your blog. It is just the only one it crashes on. That and hulu if I try to full screen.

Any how Susie somehow I am not to upset by it. I see so many many things that need to get done. If I had my druthers you know I could just rest here as apposed to a tv.

Everyone is fine here I have so many things I wish I could show you but the images of photos if downloaded cause a crash as well.
Machine is fussy.

Debra I think we are kindred...glad of it :)
lets see if it posts.

virus arg!

I may not be able to post for a while. my computer has been compromized. Steve is running a diognostic. We may have to do a complete re install

I spoke with Denise for a wonderful 45 minutes. Continue for her with prayer. It is a hard thing. Her life has turned upside down. Eddie sees the doc in the a.m. as well as his first therapy. Things have effected his personality. It is a VERY hard time.

Thanks for all the kindness.
I hope to get to be on here in the near future.
Well let you know when we learn the sorse
love ya all!
Donetta

thank you

your comments of kindness are a sweet comfort.
There is a time for everything under the sun
a time to rejoyce and a time for sorrow
a time for comfort
I have a dentist apt to get my crown put on at 8:30 The kids to school and all.
very very pained in my breast from the proceedure boy I need strength for the morrow.
Love is a powerful force
you love heals me
:)
I will sleep soon
I appreciate all your sweet words of life...the tongue life or death...life a gift of words

News on my Big Sister

Sad news to tell. As I sit here with a pillow supporting my chest and my arms. My niece and her sons must be stunned. Just a year or so ago my brother in law passed. My sister will be transferred to a full care facility. Her apartment will not be returned to it looks like. My sister here and I spoke of going up to Washington perhaps at months end or at least in the late spring.

My big sister wants so badly to be with the love of her life. They were married almost 50 years. I am not sure how hard she will fight. They have diagnosed her with Pulmonary fibrosis it is a serious disease that causes progressive scarring of your lung tissue.My niece was told at most two years. I know that God is God but he is a respecter of our will. We are creatures of free choice.

I will need wisdom as to whether or not fly up sooner or later. It is bad weather up there and it would take a drive over the pass. It is wisdom perhaps to wait until the spring. The pass is nothing to take lightly. It is a long drive up to the plateau. My sister is only 66 yrs old.

She has a life of love, loss and a wonderful daughter and SIL thriving with five sons. She also had a special needs son who lost his life due to a drunk driver many years ago.

My niece would be the last of that line or at least become the elder. Her dads people have passed.

Please remember her and her family in prayer.

My heart will temper to the letting go of such a wonderful friend.

She was the one who came forward to confirm my memories. She had the courage to face the recovery of those things. My mom acknowledged her somewhat before she passed. It was a gift to both of us.

I think of the scripture passage of ...

Those that go one before us standing at the right hand of God ever interceding for us.

I wish her her hears desire. If it be to fight I am her strong supporter, if it is to go home...I let her go.

She is a wonderful sister and friend.

I am sad. 

She is suffering to breath. 

I wish comfort for her and peace.

A gift from Michelle over at Beautiful chaos

She wrote...

Donetta is one of those friends i have in real life. i met her in 2001 when we were starting the process of adopting our daughter. she was very helpful with the little details. over the years, we've become good friends. we try to encourage each other often. when she started her blog, i had no idea it would touch so many people. i don't think she did either. she blogs about life, gardening, recovery, mothering, cooking, sewing, and beading, among other things.

Michelle,

Thank you , you true heart.

Go take a visit and enjoy her creative writing.

All benign

LADIES GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!


Hello dear folks
I had the mammo and ultra sound done, they did do the aspirations. 10cc on the left and 5cc on the right. Real tired and sore. Rejoice with me it will all be well within a few days time. I did not bleed or bruise.ya!
Oh explanation I have fiber cystic breasts.
NO CANCER!!!

I'm back

The schedule of the last two weeks is as follows...

 Every day full to it's top!

Life is so full!

12/18 9:30 yearly apt got forms to do mammo and ultra sound. I have to have aspirations on both sides.

 Then the remainder run at the elementary (I arrived within 5 minutes of the start)

 

12/19 Sisters surprise birthday party

 

12/20 Ladies High Tea here

12-21 Sisters birthday took her and two nieces to lunch and had a 3 p.m appointment

 

12-22  8:a.m. apt for Dove at the pediatric phyc. 2 hours, took her to lunch

 

12-239:20 a.m. appointment for the allergist for Dash and he had the scratch testing,

 

 

then met friends spontaneously for a movie right after at the mall.

I finished the glass candy and we all went out to the neighbors and passed out the gifts

Then we all walked down the way to the Christmas display...

 

 

12-24 family day

 

 

 

They were VERY happy about the Wii

 

The family played so much the arms hurt and the game was a blast.

 

12-25 had presents in the a.m. with the kids, served formal lunch to 7 here, had time with my BIL and really enjoyed the garden time with him. We all played the Wii and then left for my sisters. Had Christmas night there. Came home late and full of Christmas cheer. With some exception having to do with the well being of a great nephew.

 

Well clean up

 

12/26 guys and kids hike I think that day, I went shopping and just had me time.

12-27 We tried our new church for the first time. We went out to lunch too I think or to dinner?

12-28 9:45 appointment neuro, Went shopping and got myself a new dress

Thought I had 1p.m. appointment PH.D. found I did not , and a 3p.m. appointment with the phyc and a medication eval. with terrific good news. Left here at 9:20 got home at 5:30.

12-29 9:10 ENT and the news that I qualify for a hearing aid on the right side. I have to redo a nerve test for my right side to see if it is still valid the last was done in 2005.

 

12/30 Painted Doves room for 12 hours

12/31 My friend and I  took Dove to the mall with her best friend.

 

 

1/1 morning home time, then the kids to a friends. We had a 3 hour date. We hiked in the desert. I was able to hike a mile and a half. I sat in the sun and felt restored

That night movie night with the kids. Pain pills :)

 

 

Remember the old 1957 phaff

At the meeting I was given these parts many fit some so not.

Those are steel bobbins!

That is a walking foot a good $90. part!

 

1/2 Attended the American Sewing Guild meeting at 10 a.m. with Dove and my sister. Took my sister home and bid my niece and baby fairwell.

 

Took Dove over to our friends and the girls played while I did fung shui on her home and helped her clean and decorate it.

cleaned up this morning a bit then...

Look at Dove in my shoes!

1/3 Went to church, Steve is rebuilding a monitor that his dad sent this way it died on him and if we can fix it...well then my darling has a monitor that We prayed for ...what ya say can you see it working already:) 

toes kept warm

 

I received a very nice devotional from Angie

can you se the humor?

 

Set the pot on the stove for the pasta and then went out to the garden for a salad

 

 

 

So now as my busy little children are out side washing my truck

Gotta go check on them

Love ya all!