i made it online

i am in the rehab nursing home
my sweet local friends i am at a place called

life care center
near?86th street and Shea....perhaps the address is on Becker lane  North of Shea only a block or so? i was on a gurney in an amulet so that's the best i know

surgery went well on Monday
wend i was sent here to endure HELL!!!!!
they are corpret captures to an off site pharmacy it took 6 hour for them to get me a pain pill first night!!!!!second day, after awaiting an injection for anti nausea that was ordered mid morning then being told by the nurse that it would most likely not arrive until after he was off shift! when i asked when are you off shift he said 2pm!

Steve came up with my medication out of my infusion kit that had the rx on it for under the toung
mean while too sick to take the pain medication I had a second break through episode shaking I was in a wheel chair trying to get them to help me and some naive nurse put a alarm clip on my shirt. Then she stands me up for the toilet the alarm goes off! PTSD! she quickly sits me down I am demanding them that legally this is not alright. a PT walks by sees it all going on. whisks me away asks me to trust her. with out being able to be  medicated for pain because of nausea she works my knee as to release range of motion for by this time I had a peg leg.

Steve arrives with Dash in tow (home school) gives them the pills and they will not let him give me one until it was logged in. Nurse ran it back to me and mean while with Dash there a therapy dog comes. Distract Dash and me as well. Steve had to get Dash away for I was a mess holding my strings together with a real massive fray near at hand

pause....had to get help just now to get off the CPM machine, it moves my leg up and down) wow she came fast
anyway I have been here three days and it has happened three times that the cracks of this place have all but broken momma back' sure hope the system avoids steppin on those crack tomorrow!

Jesus and pain have been my constant companions too much company. rather just be with him without the pain.
pain meds just kicked in ") I am  off for the day...they would just curl their toes if I were a lawsuit type person. Nope just rather get lathered up and perhaps become a better advocate. For myself first then for the employee's and the ELDERS who can not speak up.

Dear Father rather than sit at the mercy of this place without any control over my days may I for ever just bask under your mercy.

thank you all for your prayers and lovin kindness I better rest now. good night


Remember the old don't step on the crack or your break your momma's back

Primary Immune Foundation Conference

there was an fund raiser this was my offering a real lesson in diligence.

It was strung but I had to do the findings tearfully one handed in pain.

it sold

it was $20 a night for valet so I parked down in a lot after dropping off my bag at the door. A very kind young man came for me in an electric cart and took me to the lobby. when i got there it was a bit early to get the room
the clerk however seeing me cane with knee and wrist brace took mercy
he set me up into a different room checking in several hours early
see the number three, God and I have this little game we have played for ever His presence is reminded me in the three. over over and over this way for many a year

this was the type of conference rooms

no longer 49 i went over to the 50's and up very strange thin the first time your reminded of it

the first evening was a huge event

this was the 30 th year anniversary of the PIF. A foundation that began in someones kitchen. a dear woman who lost a child due to primary immune dif. she wanted to have a foundation where those of us with the rare disorder could affiliate and disseminate information to one day perhaps cure this thing

click to enlarge this is the information on the basic
my adaptive immune issue is mainly the B-cell issue with secondary low IgA issue

i met a wonderful woman who helped me get my heart back. she and I sat for a long visit in the lobby after we had met up down below at the conference.
I was walking (hobbling ) to the escalator and she came up and asked if I would mind if she walked with me. So funny she reached into her bag and whipped out a collapsible folding cane. We were so kindred a spirit. She too a seer really helped me get past the anger. Home again into my heart.

Suppose that why you see me here again.


this was the only money I spent a very expensive $30! breakfast to the room the morning of the infusion at the hotel. I did not need to use up any of the energy i had. the conference was almost two walking blocks from my room.

That was the most amazing bread!

click on image

that's the in room safe

pay per use refer and bar under it

NEVER touched it! $$$$$$$$$$

at the conference there was all the free drinks of my choice. soda water, juice any thing. even at night an open bar. Strange though to think of immune folks drinking. everything that would be found in my room pay per was at the conference for FREE!

 I have used the techniques that were on the bed to make mine now. The top sheet is under the pillows, blanket folded down at the pillows edge. Head pillow folded in. Throw at the foot. It is fun to get to see how the Ritz does it.

what a palace! the way the pillows were folded in made for a beautiful bed

It was a wonderful rest.
the last day with infusion and the nurse with me all morning i used a wheel chair to transport from room to conference floor. On that day a very sweet fellow gave me favor. He called and got me a LATE check out Sunday so I could sleep through the morning. I had until 1P.M. !

SATURDAY night the kids and Steve joined me at the gala event. It was so wonderful. This place NEVER left me hungry. EVERYTHING was included in my scholarship. The kids swam in two of the pools until they closed. They went on home that night as did I the next day late into the mid day.
Refreshed. The trip was so helpful in healing the anger left by the many years of misdiagnosis, torments and indignities. Most of us had experienced them who had late diagnosis.

The retching may be anxiety

 It stopped for almost 20 minutes until brother came in to watch tv. I could not give her any more of the nausea med and it did not work today.

I tried some Motrin for the muscle and the clonopin for her anxiety. 

IT WORKED!

It worked!

IT WORKED 

IT WORKED 

IT 

WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!

oh by the way "it worked"!

that was a day and a half of retching every 30-45 seconds

The doc just called to have me give her another anti nausea med.,

and to try to fit her in. We just skirted a 22 mile drive one way with a sick kid, a nausea kid who gets car sick on a good day. Bless God for insight and a Mothers intuition. Just wish it would of accrued to me earlier. When I got on line retching was in some a physiological condition. Dove has a special need of a anxiety issue.

She has only done it perhaps 3 times in the last half hour...oh I hope that I did not speek too soon. Oh I do hope not to have an ER visit tonight.

Because WE LOVE HIM Psalm 91

sitting here the thought that fills me is 'what can you do'? I mean really. In life the real thing any of us has power over. We plan.
Yet is is only in the willingness to embrace loving God that our personal choice takes shape.
There will be trials in every life. There will be opportunities to overcome by embarrassing the Love that surrounds us, and if we receive it it fills us.

Because we love him.
Because I love Him.

We received a call this evening to confirm the appointment to go down to Good Samaritan Hospital and see the surgeon who did the port. Now we had made this appointment knowing the visit would take place. Knowing that I love HIM knowing that HE loves me.
We have been instructed that I will need to fast tonight, throughout the morning. There is  a possibility that the port is malfunctioning a slim chance that they might need to replace it. A chance that a simple aspiration my need to be preformed. HE LOVES ME.

Do I believe that? YES I do.

Is it in my power that I can choose to trust that love that surrounds me. Yes it is. After supper my big thick comforter surrounded me. I lay on the bed and curled up in it and slept a while. Blocking out every distraction. Every sensory bombardment. Embracing only the stillness that will keep me in that glow. Keeping the edges of my humanity supple and welcoming of said light. Trusting by choice, resting the outward man to abide in the Holy, the spirit.

If you think of me bid me that light fill every dark corner of me. I thank that loving light, that intimate friendship with my God in whom I trust. No evil will befall me. What will I say of Him, my God and my fortress...He is the light that comes into me. With everything in my being the opening up and receiving the glow of that warmth cold disperses. Everything else is a mute point. 'I am OK, Everything faced will be alright. I choose to believe this NO MATTER what the day brings. I know that it is not about me. It is about the flow of that light. It is not about us when those thing common to our mortal state challenge our resolve. Stand let nothing distract you from the love of God.

Rejoice with me. That this Love surrounds me. Delight with me that I know this as my skin is holding me in. In Your sending the warmth of your Love for HIM my way... prayer. It leaves me in good company.

Love to all of you. I'll let you know the Good news tomorrow. Oh I just did. This is the Good news that I love Him, his presence. His loving kindness that surrounds me GOOD NEWS.

CVIG Port IV complications

Oh life
life is holy, and it is not about us. It is all about a greater story that encompasses what our little line and chapter tells. In this novel was the beginning and one day shall be the end.
Sunday's little verse held a long visit to the ER.
Saturday I had my 6 hour infusion. It was so easy, one little stick. Six hours of dignity. No one standing by the bathroom door watching over me. No pained arms and stressed spirit. The port was an awesome liberating gift. It still is.

However... Saturday night my neck began to swell. Pained it scared me a bit. Trusting all was just going to be alright I laid down to bed. I awoke with palpitations. Startled me awake. It really hurt on the side of my neck where the swelling was larger. We watched it overnight (I know stubborn, I did not want to call an ambulance) we had another child for a sleep over. I was not going to drive myself. Sunday morning still pained and less swollen I called the surgeons number. Being Sunday the nurse told me to get to an ER. She had concern of infiltration or clot. I did so choosing to travel up north to the better hospital. I arrived at 1p.m. To my utter glee there was actually a parking space in the tiny lot near the ER door. Tinny spot too between two huge trucks. Having the car my spirit swelled into a smile getting my Honda into the postage stamp within the lines. Being able to squeeze out of the door.
there was a stand with masks and I quickly grabbed one (it stayed on the whole time). Within two minutes someone from behind the counter came around to me. She asked my reason and filled a paper. I sat away from others. VERY shortly after a nurse took me to triage. The first woman came back around and was told to take me to a room. THAT FAST! I floated into the light of love. Being so well cared for . They took me to a room (not a curtain a room) with another woman on the other side of a curtain. She was ill as in viral or something . The nurse gave me gown and as I slipped it on put me right on monitor with patches and wires. Within a moment another fellow came in, thinking he was a nurse his demeanor confused me. He was the doctor. This now all of 10 minutes from walking into the ER door. The lobby was not empty by any means.
He called the other hospital and was about to set up a CAT scan with contrast. The nurse was mesmerized at the port. It was so small in compare to what she had ever worked with. I wanted to slap her hand away for she kept pressing around and on it. It was CT scan there or at the other hospital in the morning. With the kids being home today an agreement was made to proceed. I asked the nurse for some Tylenol. Then the doctor returned after speaking with radiology they decided on Ultra sound. Soon that is where I was. Peace was around me like a light. A study performed on my arm, neck and chest.
The tec was kind and we spoke of the holy. She spoke of my attitude being so positive. She called in another senior staff and he was working on my wrist. She was not able to find a vein. He was startled at how small my veins were (that explains a lot).
They concluded the study he walked out, then he came right back in. He reopened the file. He then did the extended scan onto my chest around the cath and the port.
After being taken back to the room and placed on the monitor and oxygen device I laid my head back and rested not 2 minutes and a fellow came in. He said 'we are moving you to a private room'. There was this instant in time. Fear began to push at me, I actually thought clearly. I could be afraid...if I got afraid it would change nothing. The warmth like a light embraced me and clearly in thought and choice I decided not to be. Asking the fellow 'should I be concerned?'...he was locating the room and said 11 B. I laughed and said "hay that is not a private room...it has two beds" teasing him. He could not find the room so left me a moment in the hall. Another gurney came behind me and mine was moved against the wall. My orderly returned and laughingly he was chastised that I almost got a ticket. By this time the humor of it all was filling me up. He was right they were taking me to a PRIVATE ER room. The doctor was protecting me from infection. He pushed me in (forgetting to give me a call button) and left. It was so quiet! Silent. Wonderfully the peace replaced all. It was that the light came to show me the folly of it all. All fear all dread it was nothing compared to the vast life around me. Moaning and groaning the pulse of the place needed that light. As I lay there envisioned was hallways of doors with lives behind and light. Light that was welcomed and drawn in upon my desire for it to be there. It was magnificent. As the silence removed all the clamor it was willed into and around me. I fell asleep as I awoke there was a clear choice as to how to respond within. It was alright to lay there. Peacefully, when they were to come they would come. No urgency. Not having any idea of how long I laid there...it began not to really matter. Returning into the love toward those vast numbers of souls the light need to illuminate the dull lack luster of it all.

Others matter as do we. We are not exclusive to attention. Letting them know this by caring about their day as I laid there startled and stunned them. It touched many who crossed paths with me.
After some time and a partial visit from a woman from registration we were interrupted by a man who came to take me to x ray. This was unexpected. Again the same iterations with others. Returned to the room came the woman to finish registration and to take my co-pay.
Moments later the doctor came in. He was positive then qualified it. Although no blood clots I do have fluid on my chest around the port and cath. My lungs clear. Now we stand on watch for infection.

I was released. At the lobby I called Steve it was 6P.M. and he was worried. It was 6 hours latter.
I also called the nurse at the other hospital. We are on watch with an appointment to return to the surgeon and have all the studies repeated on Wednesday or before. We will trust that the fluid will absorb. It is unknown if the fluid is from the surgery or the infusion.

I was a study for all who meet my case. It was somehow poetic to teach over and over the facts of CVID.
Over and over and over. The port seamed a fascination to several of them.

It was the light however that is the true fascination. It is for me a wheel within a wheel. This realm encased within the other. Spirit is all around and if we lit it within. It was that the letting of it within caused for it to be around. It touched those within my space as it was touching me.

It is my greatest wish that it touches you.

Hello Dear Hearts

Denise asked How I am feeling. That is thoughtful of you to ask. So here it is...

The port sight is doing well. Still sore and a bit yellow from the bruising. The other wound at my neck is swollen a bit, it is a tiny incision however. It sits right at that bone just under the throat right at the tip of the one side of the dip in my color bone. Lots of muscle spasms, just too fun, not.

I went to my dermatologist concerned of skin infection (staff) however he said it looks good. When I told him of the CVID he was stunned of an adult being diagnosed. You know he got me in within an hour. No charge!
My pharmacist for the infusions said the diagnosis of adults is one she sees. Not very often but now days it is caught. I am so blessed to have a GREAT pharmacist. She and I speak once a month or so. She always makes sure I have all I need and even visits a while. She is so thoughtful of my latex allergy and my tender skin (lots of bandaging with infusions and the iv) . We speak of the holy and the divine. She asks of how I am and such.
My shoulder is hurting fair amount. The turning of my neck or looking up pulls and tears (or so it feels like that). Sent me to a gasping round of tears night before last. We were in bed and as I adjusted a pillow with my left hand reaching up with my right to tuck it under my head, OH mercy. It was as a tearing sensation. Perhaps an adhesion. At any rate my sweet darling just held me till it subsided ans we dozed off to sleep. So it is still healing and the catheter is tugging some (or so it feels). Several times a day if my neck moves up or to the side pain greets me with a hardy 'yep I'm still alive!' Ha
Hurts! I have driven today and yesterday. Still a bit difficult, shoulder is tight and so is my neck. The port is on my chest and the tubing over the clavicle. The clavicle is non to happy about it. It is getting better. Today is just day 8 after surgery.
With the new nose mask the CPAP (for sleep apnea) is being used at least 3/4 of the night. Rest what a concept :)

My infusion is the day after tomorrow and I am still pretty energetic. That feels so good!

The 6 month labs show that my levels are staying in a safe range between infusions, a real good thing. My body is taking the treatment. This will allow the lymphatic system to heal. It was pretty much gone by the time they found this. God is so good. I could of easily caught something to have it kill me. Here came He my Savior ready to stop the thief. So many many years undiagnosed and untreated, I have a real chance at a pretty healthy life now. The infusions will most likely be for my life time.

Makes me feel a little sad that my husband MUST be insured, employed until I am at least 65 to get medicare under his history. That is only another 15 years so not too bad. It is so wonderful of late. He got a promotion and a raise. Amazing in this day. He is now on salary and exempt. First time in his life to have it happen. Although no overtime option, it has been many a year that overtime has been obsolete.

Thank you all for your kind wishes and prayers. It is a wonderful thing to be loved.

Meal Plan Monday ~Del Monte Splinda Pollution!

Every day

carrots/yellow veggie

whole grain

leafy veggie

green tea

fruit

nuts

Three times a week

oily fish

yogurt

avocado

broccoli

sweet potato

Once a week

red meat

sugary desert

(wine) we do not drink however

miscellaneous chicken, turkey, eggs and other things like fresh foods not listed are added. Just this is the base of the menu each week. We have made it our dietary 'way of life'.  Each person is considered. For the different meals of the day. Dove eats her nuts in the morning.

click to image enlarge

Yesterday for supper desert I prepared a fruit salad. At the grocer there was a good deal on Mandarin Oranges. Knowing me of course you know I purchased a few of them. Also knowing me you would know that I have never used or would ever purchase artificial sweeteners. To my dismay and disgust what I purchased as 'No Sugar added' so as to be able to use the juice in another recipe. As the can was being opened it was then that the label stood out. SPLINDA! that garbage was in my FRUIT! What in the world! Why!? Why would anyone pollute fruit (sweet wonderful) a God given gift of nurture.

I HATE ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER!

Give me sugar, molasses, honey not poison.

Prayers Please

Today Dash and I went to get our allergy shots. I forgot to take the medication first. My arm has a baseball size lump. Itchy as the dickens. We also had flu shots. I got the kids home from the office ran into the rest rooom all but to vomit. Mercy a big boo boo, mistake.
We weren't sure if it was the flu shot or the other. Now with the ball no joke on my arm well. I slept three hours should of gone to urgent care earlier. Steve offered to take me. A few crackers and my allergy meds took a bit of a hold. I just realized that there was a bennadril in the ivig supplies so here I sit awaiting it to help. I do not want to go anywhere just need it to reverse on it's own.

So think on these things...

Thankful 

Common Variable Immunodeficiency IVIG

Good afternoon!
We just finished. We did not use the benadryl and only 1/4 of the nausea medication at the beginning. I slept a while but non of the bad side effects. The easiest one yet! This was my fifth one. We had a three stick but all went well in the end. She is going to have a check done on my are from the third infusion a piece of a catheter might have been left in a vein, that or the vain is shot from a life time of use. It feels like a rope under skin. The cold effected the sticks for when the temperatures drop the veins are not as to the surface. Next time I ware a sweeter before she gets here so my arms are warmer.

I hope every one is having a great day.
Thank you dear friends for your prayers.

Inherited Common variable immunodeficiency (CVID) fifth infution

Hard to keep count on how many now but it has changed my life.
It is a good gift of life. I am so grateful for the gift of life given by doaners.
With this gratitude comes a multiple bag of emote.
Sometimes I feel sad that this is the way of my future, but I have a future. A hope and a promise.

It is getting easier. Now it has been said to me in a comment that I have made too big a deal of this experience. It has gotten so much easier every infusion.
It is becoming less of 'a big deal', but it is still a process that is healing with mixed emote.
Gratitude is foremost, honestly I am also sad.

The reports came back on my sister. She does not have it. Bless God! He has blessed her.

Back to nature

Many years ago when Dove was only one or two years of age. I was at a grocery store with her when this little old lady was staring at us. I smiled at her and bid her good morning. She was flustered and had a curious expression on her face. So I continued to check out all the while she was staring at Dove and I.
All of the sudden she blurts out (loudly)
"Oh I get it her father must be blond!"
to that I replied "I really don't know"
August she was  red in the face and uppity judgmental.
To that I replied "she is adopted."

That time forward I worked my way up to a lighter and lighter blond/brown hair color. At 36 my hair had never been colored. Always being a natural sort of woman it was unthinkable. As the years have passed by the lightening just became a thoughtless thing. Well perhaps not so thoughtless. It was so important to me that the kids always felt a part of, or a sense of belonging to us.
Recently at a mom/daughter time Dove noticed that the top of my head was very dark and the ends almost blond. She was stunned! Now with 50 only a few months off the dark had the sweet tell tell signs of the years hard efforts, my first graying hairs. Dove was told the thing was that I thought I just looked prettier with light hair.
In actuality it was light so long that I never really gave it much thought. For my early ears it was full of sum kissed highlights. Lemon juice on tips of fingers would be rubbed into my hair. It was very light by end of the summers.
Recently it occurred to me why. Why had my true image been lost into the mom bear watching over the cubs. Now they are able to well watch over their own self in this. For we all belong so tightly together. In the early years so much energy was placed on the attachment disorders/issues that it mattered most that they not experience any other ignorant thoughtless questions of 'how 'we belong together.

The day before yesterday I came home to my true color.

Now the kids want dark 'high lights'. It was explained that that would not be a lightening but a darkening. So in the summer they might for fun get to have a darker wash out color. Not allowed during the school year for it would be disrespectful and distraction in class. Funny it just occurred to me. For years I changed to be like them...now they want to change to look like me.

When I was in my early thirties I came to know that I am not as my sister of the same dad. My dad was a boarder in the boarding house. An Inuit Native American man. When I learned that I was so Native American life changed. I kid you not. I was treated much differently when I identified as Caucasian. As I identified as NA there were less chins held high when spoken to. The racial issues in this country are so sad. All over the world for that matter. As part Cherokee/dutch and Inuit tanning stopped. So funny when I was a white chick with an awesome tan it was cool. Oh yes when I tan it is so pretty. I stopped tanning during those years. I always said it was to protect my skin. Cool to step back and look at all the fall out. I love my skin. I really love having my hair color back.

Prevention is worth a pound of cure...its flu season.

Good Ideas for health care during the flu season.
Over at 'Farming on faith' suggested this

2 t lb ammonia
1/2 cup rubbing alcohol
1/4 cup vinegar
Place in a spray bottle and add water Use on surface, toilet, sink and such.

Another tip my elder sister has used for years is to use a LEMON cut in half rubbed on sink to bleach out the porcelain. She also uses it on the counter tops when the once a week wipe through down comes.

Add a little Cayenne pepper to your diet.

 

Click on image

Wash hands as soon as you get in from shopping and such. Keep wipes in your car.
Use a inverted produce bag when choosing the produce you want. Once you have handled the store surface items this protects your produce from the bacteria on you hand.

Thankful Thursday

In the month of October of last year I was just returning from Florida. Now eight months later here we are again. How blessed I am. The lame walk well at least set at a computer tonight Ha!

Today I had the first of another series of three Synvisk injections on my knees.

Just a glutton for punishment!

These images are from last year see all the chigger bites from walking in Florida with the most wonderful women I have ever met.

So today My sweet heart of a husband actually took off work and drove me.

Such a sweet sweet friend. 

So only two more Thursdays of this to go.

I am thankful that I am not giving in to the temptations to be overwhelmed.

I am slowed , grateful for the 'temporary' halting of motion. How blessed am I that this is an option to keep me from not fully living and having such great motion. In a few weeks it will be as if nothing happened or was the matter with my knees. Now ya know that makes me really blessed. Yep it hurt and still does. However tonight I am able after a day of ice and elevation to sit here and visit many of you.

I have been re reading the novel I wrote in 2005 and doing a bit of editing it has long needed. It is a novel based on a woman who is clergy in a large hospital. A woman with a mystery of life that sets her on a course to her true self. Reading it is fun. I have forgotten so much of it. Someday yes Michelle (see her here)  I must self publish like you. Inch by inch.

typo misunderstanding

One little key
a 'c' instead of a "k' can make the difference to have everyone who cares about me panicked over my well being.
In the post of April 20
I stated I had a cancer sore in my mouth
It should of read...CANKER sore. I am so sorry for any grief this may have caused any of you.

I had a call today from my poor sister who had had many contact her in great concern over me.
I had no idea. For some reason the post of 4/20 posted on face book today scaring everyone.

For those of you who may have read the post on that day how I now understand your sweet concern.
I love all of you. So sorry for that "C" typo
"K" makes the hard sound hahah :)
Oh the difference a "c" can make.

Name them one by one...These are the things we are to speak of

Word filled Wednesday 

here at seven clown circus

1. I got to have an appointment at my dentist within 15 minutes of when the major pain hit.He took an x-ray the tooth saw the infection (no charge) and a RX for penicillin, then 5 minutes later I was at the surgeons office who did the re-do root canal last November, He took a much clearer x-ray (no charge) and gave me a quote on the tooth worse case and the options I had. That was all on Friday afternoon and I was home minutes before the children arrived home from school.


2. Tuesday we  (Steve was with me) had the surgery, and it was not the worse case and there was a $400.ish difference in charges.
3. The insurance denied the crown that was done in January on that tooth. The charge remaining was around $400.

4. At the end of March we refinance the house taking a 22 year loan down to a 15 year load and increased our payment around 150. per month. One and a half points lower in interest, $500. fee that was refunded to us at the conclusion along with another $300. ish
We got a free months no mortgage while it was in process,

5. The Quote for the worse case was within $1. of the mortgage payment we did not have to pay for April. So the surgery and the crown payoff, three Rx's for the tooth all came to within $20. of the mortgage payment we did not have to pay. NO DEBT.

The other $300 refund well get this, Dove gets her braces off in 2 weeks, the payoff...$294.50

 

Daddy man saved me.

Radish were planted this week but that is about it for the summer garden. I think God has plans for a little holiday. It will need little if any care. I will miss the fresh produce

 

 Food for the sore of mouth

I had just "happened" to get some of this days before the unexpected surgery!

6. My in laws had an amazing event...
Steve's dad (an elder gentleman) went out to get the newspaper Sunday morning, There was black glass all over the driveway. He called Steve's mom out to get a picture of it. As she stood by the vehicle taking the shoot she looked up started to see a man lifting his head up sitting in the drivers seat of the vehicle! She had the presence of mind to snap an image! So the police were called and within the broken glass was a $100. a $20, and a $10. bills.
The police came and took a description and she realized she had the picture and was to down load it, and eventually the police came to get it, Meanwhile they arrested the guy 2 blocks away. She does not even have to testify! They had his picture at the wheel!!!!
The Police called her brave and present of mind and were so impressed by her, as we all are.

7. This list may be Long but these are the things we are to speak of.
Dove had her first tween fit, she had error-ed and got real angry and raged and raged with those "I hate you " type things really hitting below the belt with words, and in the middle of it we both kept CALM! It was so cool. Then mid sentence of "I hate you!" We heard foot falls coming at me...with this jaw I was guarded and then she threw her arms around me and "I love you, I don't hate you, I'm sorry Mommy"!
Draw a tear for you too? all over in around 30 minutes you moms know that that must be some kind of record for a teen.

8. I am harvesting poppy seeds and the bag is half full of pods. Today I remembered a dream I had a "some day I wish I could.." I have always wished I could walk country roads, or forest trails and toss wild flower seed.
It dawned on me...and I am going to toss wild flowers along the roadways that I travel commonly. Then years from now the kids will say..."my mom threw those seeds out". The flowers will bring beauty to a world with so little of it. It might even bring joy to someone who needs it.

I have a paper shopping bag almost 3/4 full of pod. I guess a good 2 cups worth of seed. There is more to harvest yet. It is so peaceful harvesting it. The weather is perfect for it.

 Funny, notice the game in the back ground Dove and I played last night

Speaking of boy and the freezer.

9. We had an experience of boy meets freezer power switch and the unit had a lot of frozen blocks in it like these. there were some in the sub zero unit as well. It saved our hides. So remember to fill up your units with ice for it is cheaper to power a full freezer than a part empty one.


10. Yesterday I was able to finish the budget forms for this year up until May. I have funds to fill these empty freezers left in this months budget! I have shopped VERY little this month.

So under the fort was a whole, the kids + shovel = bigger hole.

I wanted to plant a lemon tree, I am not able to dig right now:)

See even when the kids are up to mischief the Lord has a way of using it

 My Dalia's did come up, that is the only thing I got planted here in time

11. The back lawn is a mess. The knowledge dropped in my lap at a grand parent of Dash's friend as to how to bring it back. I had begun research on saving the hard panned yard. This grandpa knew and told me how to do it! So an appointment is set with a local gardener to come to do the hard labor of running an air-irater (it takes 1x2 inch plugs out of the ground). I will then fill it with gypsum and sand myself next week!
The man was outside across the street, Steve and I just spoke last night about asking him how much it would cost for him to do the work. There he was today!

post script... I need to water the lawn/yard for the job...It is to rain for the next two days!

Well It could go on and on...Thank God for this wonderful life!

sleep Study

I am on my way.
I decided to go it alone. My girlfriend was going with me but I thought about it. If I go in fear it says"victim" If I go in courage it says vivacious courageous tenacious White Raven.
My new Name.
I am no longer a victim
Courage and dependency on the friendship and fellowship I have within the Spirit He an I as one.
See you with good news on the other side

apicoectomy

I had oral surgery yesterday and so is a "hang in there" morning. My face and jaw is swollen...they cut open and went under a lower molar and cut off the roots and dug out the infection. It was the same tooth that had the re-do root canal, it just could not release the infection so it was growing again since November. I had to make a difficult decision and received a cadaver bone implant. I am not too sure how I am feeling about it. It was the best choice for the best prognosis.I guess I am growing and changing. I the one who is not a donor. I have always been afraid of the whole thing. . Being bone it is not like an organ the rejection is not at issue.  The kids will be off to school in an hour.
They will need to be much more independent this morning.
The surgery went well. He said that the "orange peel" when the tissue was peeled back was the easiest he had ever had. Thank God, less trauma to tissue less bruising.
The pain for a few hours in the after noon was to the edge! 10 of 10 baby! now it is doable I suppose that is the good thing about feeling how back it could be hurting ha ha


Well I need to direct the kids and have little voice to do so . I need to get up and walk around. As little as possible so I do not get a repeat of yesterday.


On a wonderful note.
The surgery went so well that the procedures were less than thought and it went from $1300+ to just over $700 out of pocket. YA! Of course that was after the insurance kicked out just over $1000. The nitrous really helped me. The ins. does not cover it and I am so glad Steve insisted we use it. I do not think I could have done it without it. It is soft foods for a week an then limited for another week.

I started of the surgery by praying out loud...and the staff joined in!

Tackle it Tuesday

Monday after baking a large ham and a larger turkey (due to child and a power switch)

Then sliced both, cooked down the carcass and the ham bone.

Turkey and stars broth With seasoning of dried vegatable powders, onion, celery salt, the bay that was in the boil down.

Beans and ham. BBQ seasons, molasses, crushed tomato, onion, sage and corn starch to thicken.

All is cooling on the stove as of just now turning them off.

Dishes anyone?

I know those will be happy dogs with that ham bone.

A 1/2 gallon of turkey gravy also.

Gotta have that for the mashed potato that will be a main part of my sustenance this week for no solid food for a week.

Oh I am dead on my feet!

Time tonight to sit and get relaxed and tired. 

Tuesday tackle

Oral surgery 10 a.m.

Courage

Bravery

Laying down to offer myself up as a vessel to be available for those who are doing the procedure. Rather than focusing on my self.

Calling my will to intercede for them as under nitrous I will be listening to their hearts expressed in the small talk that goes on. 

Listening and talking with Abba Papa staying in The Palm of His hand.

Letting go of the funds that were set aside in hope to have a long long due holiday this summer.

Knowing God made those funds available so this can be paid in full. 

No debt as our heart so longs to live. 

Doves braces come off in two weeks and we will be able to pay off the debt at that time.

Blessed

Focus focus focus that is my biggest task tomorrow. 

Calling my nerve into submission toward trusting that God has only His best in mind for me.

I am blessed.

focus...

To lend my voice only to sounds of freedom, no longer giving my strength to those things that I wish to be free from. 

To live my life with love and bravery and I shall live a life uncommon.

Good Morning
It is the fresh hours of early morn here. I awoke to see how very deeply within me is ingrained a habit of old. When in pain withdraw.
When my sister died in January it hit me in a hard way. This is what stepped me back stunned and shocked. It was the knowing. Hearing that she was going to do so.  Strange it is to see things before the events. This has happened so many times before. It is so very sobering. I could tell her about it and she was understanding.
Of late so many things that I have seen have come and are coming to pass. So I pray, grieve and stand back stunned at how life and the world around me is unfolding. My sisters passing awoke in my an understanding of how temperal this all is.

Today my beloved is to step into an MRI. A study set to investigate the shaking of his hands. His Father has it, as did his Mother before and so one. It has gone down through the line. I awake a bit concerned of him. I have not really had much of any concern of this for just knowing and being used to everything working out in the end with our trials. It most likly will in this too.

His Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow. She to will be fine. I think that the worry of these things evades me and for that I am grateful.

My sweet daughter is coming into her own. She is at the developmental stage of works that hurt. They can pierce to the soul. As a Mother we are, I am , to wash them off as if they are what they usually are ...the things of youth. The pushing away and the pulling up close.
She has made a few VERY hurtful comments about her "REAL MOTHER". Wow! now those sting. They open up that place within that all moms have. The knowledge of all the frailty and errors committed along the parenting path. Now of what I speak is the real guilt not the ones that folk so "oh well" we all make mistakes. These are the thing that I know I have done wrong. The horrible moments of parenting when stress removes the very heart of who we are as parents.

Now for an adopted adolescence the grass is questioned. If my REAL mom would of kept me my life would of been...fill in the fantasy. Meanwhile we who are not the birth mom who raise and love our own children hear the words that just come out in different ways for most moms. Well they can cut in a different way. Yet as moms we must thicken the skin as to not give the child too much power and harm their mental ability farther.  Ya know it does not make it hurt any worse.

I awoke this morning wondering if I did a search if I could come up with anything on her birth mom.  her mommmmm. It just does not sound right ya know... I am mom. It is hard for some adoptive parents to ever feel deserving of that title. Or we over compensate year after year hoping to be worthy. Judging more strongly the errors in our parenting.

Well my sweet son is here.
That is too say thoughts feelings and opening up my heart is to be shelved.

When I was a kid and I hurt...I pulled away. I then could not bring any more hurt upon me by making error. It was easier to hide than to cause some negative effect to compound the pain. Seams I am too good at that. Ignorant as I can be of the errors until after they are made. Then with hurt still undone there is more of a mess to mop up. Well that is the jest of my pulling away.

you are just not gunna believe this

Dash awoke at 10 p.m. screaming "help me!"
In the ER by 10:30, the urgent care had close just 10 minutes before we go there

we sat in the er from 11:00 p.m. until 5:20 before we got to a doc then we got out by 6:30

He is asleep now it is 7:10 and I must get Dove off to school

an inner ear infection! a shot is each of his skinny little thighs and a rx with pain meds through the night...
Steve went to get motrin and tylenol to give during the day...

Folks that is two nights in a row for me. Good thing God makes us able.