On Christian Bullying and Apple Pie

 Good Evening
As I sit here forgive me I am having a slice of fresh out of the oven apple pie. Tart Granny Smith organic apples. Now to insult these fresh apples (at least nutritionally) one of those ready made store bought crust. It was easy. I had the crust as a free thing on the last shop. Now normally I would roll over in my grave before I'd eat it but alas...
Well the pie was made with Dove joining me.Oh it was my hearts delight too have her hands in the flour and sugar. "here mom let me do it". JOY! utter joy to have her ask to do it, to join me and be happy to be with me doing it. 

 My cup running over...two tea bags as well. Some Good Earth cinnamon in my huge mug Dash gave to me last year. Apple pie and hot cinnamon tea oh yaa..

Tonight I had a real long and lovely conversation with Denise (Shorty Bear). How she misses you all so. She told of how lovingly so many came up to help and each bill is just covered. 

Underneath the umbrella of all she holds dear. Her trust in  and love for the Lord she is still getting a deluge of trial so keep her in your prayers.

Our conversation refreshed my soul, mind and body. She is REAL it was a real conversation. 

So often now I avoid trying to have that here. 

"If you ain't got nothing good to say don't say anything at all"...

Maybe some of you grew up with that one too. Sometimes it is the things that may not seam so good to say are the best things heard. Being real with one another. 

I came to my daughter today real. Told her my heart on an issue. Found a way to compromise with her.  Funny with all the fuss she really seems to respect me for it. 

Also told my little core family my heart tonight. It was good for my soul. Rested just a spell and that is when my dear friend came on the telephone line. There for me as a friend is. Real Listening not giving advice unsolicited or judging but pure love. Acceptance of all the warts and all. Like a good freeze off of hurt she nurtured my soul. I hers as well.  We are told to be strong, courageous, grateful now if were feeling were not we at least need to act as if we are.

I have been thinking a lot about bullies. Ya know the ones who make it real hard for your kids to feel safe. The true face has to hide lest it get taken for a ride of guff. Now some bullying is clear mean. Some is unintentionally mean.

While I was in prayer the other day the Lord talked to me about Christian Bullying. The kind that if your humanity shows your faulty in doctrine or being lead astray. Do this just right now, if your not doing this just right it will show.  Now God forbid these bullies when the trials hit real hard. We have to hold one view of our trinity public. That one that is our true spiritual self. What about that true soul. what of it. What of the true emote? 

Just like on the play ground we better hide it. Or the bully will see us coming a mile away.

Vulnerability is the bullies playground. 

What of maturity where vulnerability is to be commiserated?

What of it? Well if a sister, friend come to you bemoaning the reality of the challenges faced. Do we negate the soul, the emote only to supersede it with the spirit. No. The spirit remains, Gods love never changes.

It you speak of spirit and the tea is poured to do so speak of spirit. If a cup be empty however then fill it with water and quench the thirst without pouring hot water all over the guest. 

If a soul is thirsty for a companion of the soul the emote to hear and listen to the emote...hear.  Hear emote direct the emote through the land mines but do not dump spirit where spirit remains along side standing the guard it is intended too. That's Christian bullying.  Mercy that is just plain bullying given falsely Christs name. For I would never really perceive HIM ever acting that a way.

Blessed are those who...remember. 

Not deceived, backslid-den, lack of faith, or even punished or condemned.

There will always be greater and lesser

That does not negate that there is a you.

Now I have seen this of late from the pulpit as well. 

Just thinking out loud.

Now I have received little bully just always been afraid of them. 

So I sorta hide on the playground.

:)

So this an attempt to come out and own the swing set a while

Bullies thrive on fear they look for it.

How do you respond to 'Christian Bullies' ?

Wordless Wednesday

Good Morning
It is the fresh hours of early morn here. I awoke to see how very deeply within me is ingrained a habit of old. When in pain withdraw.
When my sister died in January it hit me in a hard way. This is what stepped me back stunned and shocked. It was the knowing. Hearing that she was going to do so.  Strange it is to see things before the events. This has happened so many times before. It is so very sobering. I could tell her about it and she was understanding.
Of late so many things that I have seen have come and are coming to pass. So I pray, grieve and stand back stunned at how life and the world around me is unfolding. My sisters passing awoke in my an understanding of how temperal this all is.

Today my beloved is to step into an MRI. A study set to investigate the shaking of his hands. His Father has it, as did his Mother before and so one. It has gone down through the line. I awake a bit concerned of him. I have not really had much of any concern of this for just knowing and being used to everything working out in the end with our trials. It most likly will in this too.

His Mother is going in for cataract surgery tomorrow. She to will be fine. I think that the worry of these things evades me and for that I am grateful.

My sweet daughter is coming into her own. She is at the developmental stage of works that hurt. They can pierce to the soul. As a Mother we are, I am , to wash them off as if they are what they usually are ...the things of youth. The pushing away and the pulling up close.
She has made a few VERY hurtful comments about her "REAL MOTHER". Wow! now those sting. They open up that place within that all moms have. The knowledge of all the frailty and errors committed along the parenting path. Now of what I speak is the real guilt not the ones that folk so "oh well" we all make mistakes. These are the thing that I know I have done wrong. The horrible moments of parenting when stress removes the very heart of who we are as parents.

Now for an adopted adolescence the grass is questioned. If my REAL mom would of kept me my life would of been...fill in the fantasy. Meanwhile we who are not the birth mom who raise and love our own children hear the words that just come out in different ways for most moms. Well they can cut in a different way. Yet as moms we must thicken the skin as to not give the child too much power and harm their mental ability farther.  Ya know it does not make it hurt any worse.

I awoke this morning wondering if I did a search if I could come up with anything on her birth mom.  her mommmmm. It just does not sound right ya know... I am mom. It is hard for some adoptive parents to ever feel deserving of that title. Or we over compensate year after year hoping to be worthy. Judging more strongly the errors in our parenting.

Well my sweet son is here.
That is too say thoughts feelings and opening up my heart is to be shelved.

When I was a kid and I hurt...I pulled away. I then could not bring any more hurt upon me by making error. It was easier to hide than to cause some negative effect to compound the pain. Seams I am too good at that. Ignorant as I can be of the errors until after they are made. Then with hurt still undone there is more of a mess to mop up. Well that is the jest of my pulling away.

my axis

 

I have been trying to find a way to explain what my grief experience is like.

I had no center until my Sister Midge came forward and confirmed the truth of what I remembered.

She set a "y" in my life that gave a sense of stability to the truth of my life. That gave me a security to begin my ability to find my self hood. After our Mom died she and I rarely spoke of our experiences for many of them were at mothers hand. It was like mom was gone, we both knew the truth, that was enough.

We after that only really exchanged what one might call small talk. She was my friend but within our friendship for many years a lack of intimacy ruled. This rule set by religion. She was LDS and she had her beliefs and I had mine. We never criticized each other but I think we did judged each others beliefs at time. It was a gap that was left a chasm.

She gave a touch stone to me of "Y" keeping me centered on this earth. Like a triangle she is now a missing edge.More however like a drawing. She was a familiar corner that created a center. One who confirmed my existence in a singular way that no one else could ever replace. With all of my other family we many of us have affection, an affiliation of sorts and struggle though the attempts of friendship.

Midge was my friend.

Now to everything there is a season. It is now my season to be left with a change in the "y" axis that keeps me a center. She was a mentor of sorts. To everything given there is something to be taken away it is the way of things. Recently a mentor has been made present to/for me, she however shares a common faith or belief system. She will never replace the axis of Midge. I no longer need that axis for the drawing has now been rendered in that rendering the axis is there unmarked perhaps but the very design of the drawing establishes it.

I have lost my axis in one way yes in her death but she lives through the rendering. The drawing that would not have been possible had she not come forward, if she had not practiced the very act of courage and self sacrifice it took to do so. I grieve that it was only in those short moments of life we were one in togetherness and kindred in such a way as to be able to speak of the deeper things of experience. That I grieve. It is for me that I grieve not for her. For she is no more here to suffer in that she is at piece it is to be celebrated that her life was such a gift to so many.

I grieve what we never had or at least only had for a short time. She and I we safe with each other to be real. We lacked however the ability to be truly deeply intimate in the things greater those things of the Spirit.

So those of you who wonder of me and the grief I as walking through, that is the core of it. I am worshiping the act of Gods provision through her courage and love. Her sacrifice and honor.

I choose to live this day to tend to the living.

I grieve the lack of friendship in the things of the spirit never now having chance here on this plane. However she is now Spirit. God is Spirit and I am His Friend. She is with Him now in Spirit.

It is now that we have attained that intimacy so longed for .It is in the clarity of Holiness that one day we will be known and know each other.

Then nothing else will matter or hinder our friendship.

I have peace and sorrow is tempered so much by it. I have actually wondered if I am grieving wrong. Because I am not like it sounds like I should be...I mean so many of your wonderful sweet kind comments are really how I feel. I do have peace. I am walking forward. I know we all grieve differently. We all have differing relationships as well with those whom we are grieving for.

I got to say good by, I spoke with her even recently about how I knew she wanted to go home and that I understood. This before she even got hospitalized. I knew she was going home days before she did, this knowing was told me by no person. I saw her going home and had days to process and grieve it before I even heard of the plight she was in. I had the hawks that morning visit to see that I knew God 's presence near. To reassure me of her salvation.

It is the living who I morn for those around me without that.

I said to her my heart and thanked her for being my friend just before the pulled the ventilator.

The axis of my days are only found in my God he is all I need to hold the drawing of my life into the architectural building He designed. She just got to be one of the tri pods for a season of my days here. She was a very important part of who I have been able to become.

Care for the living

I E P
The report was very good news . She has improved significantly from the two years ago in most areas. There are still 2 areas that she fell significantly below so she will have a 502? set in place next week is the meeting to set it up. This will give her special considerations. She is a great kid.
I went very well.
I said to the women...My sister died yesterday. They were all starteled. I told them that this day I choose to live for the living and to care for the living. There will be a time for everything under the heavens. Today. I care for the living. Focused only on that.
lunches
Dove had a field trip to the park. So this morning I'm let in on it that she needs a packed lunch! Well I knew I would just have to get it to her later . So I went to the grocery and got them each a bag with a sub sandwich, a drink and some chips in it
and took it back to the school. There was some mix up that Dash was told he would eat in the cafeteria he took his bag over to Doves room. Dove had TWO lunch's! She ate them~
So when Dash got home it was a real hurt to find out what happened to him.
I gave him first choice at the doughnuts I got for them.

grocery's
When I got the lunches I noticed that the meat was only 1.77 lb. I am out of it. I had prayed about that task and how the meat was gone in my freezer. Well I asked the butcher if he could clean up a few large roasts for me when I came back shortly for them I found out he had cleaned the 5.99 lb in a misunderstanding. I told the other butcher no thank you on the 5.99 and asked if he would again get me the largest roast back there. He could not understand that I did not want to buy the cut london broil, that I wanted as few a cow in my meat as possible. He asked again...so what is it that you are afraid off? That erked me abit, I replyed that is just my boundry thank you. "boundry?" he said what does theat mean...should I have explained:)

Later he came to me while I was shopping in the produce and offered me the three cut roasts for that was a misunderstanding on their part and asked if I might receive them. Of course I said. I then told him of how his tone changed and said MAM JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT....now I had clearly told him...So I then explained again that it is a commitment that I make to my family to grind from as few a head represented per pound as possible. I said that perhaps I thought I had lost his respect in his tone of MAM>>> he said well miss sometimes offend totally bipassing the point.

any way....I have meat to grind. 30 something pound at !.77 per pound. Best deal I have had in a long while.

after he walked away some onions fell of a shelf and I started laughed at them. A woman looked up and I said they are jumping of the shelf saying "buy me". She laughed and it made me laugh and it felt real good.
I told her it felt really good to laugh. I said "my sister died yesterday and I really needed that laugh."
I told her that My act of worship today was to care for the living.

lemons
On Creig's list I saw that a fellow was asking if anyone wanted Lemons...yes they look like oranges. They are a hybrid of orange but oh they are lemon! Tart and wonderful. When I got there there were thee other women who had just about stripped the tree. The fellow said that there were plenty on the other side of the wall. It was a vacant house. So I went out to drive around. A car pulled up with two ladies in it and I told them their were not any more and omitted the fact there were in the other yard. Tacky of me a show of poor Character on my part. So in an amends I gave several over to them as I picked. Peace was made. It was true that there were no more on that side but there were possibly more on the other side of the wall. Selfish I know.
I have a greater appriciation for the crown of thorns. This tree had 2-3 inch ones and my arms testify of it.
I worked hard a good hour or so and came home with a good supply for the summer. They will need to be juiced and frozen up. My arms are so scratched up. I did have gloves though.

more grocery's
On the way home I stopped at the Trader Joe's to get the non dairy items we need. Got yogurt and the soy ice cream, eggs and a wonderful stalk of Brussel sprouts. Pulled in and unloaded all but the lemons. Left them here for Steve to lift in. At the store lemons were .39 cents each...think of it. Understand why I went to work for them?
There was a woman behind me in line. My time was tight to get to the house before the kids but I thought I would have enough to let her go ahead, she had a dog just from the vet who had terminal issues. I let her go ahead and gave her empathy of her pup. She said "oh that is just the least of it too. If you only knew?"
It was sereal, I looked at her peacefully and said "my sister died yesterday"...
She said "Oh sweet heart and instantly embraced me and held me. I wanted to melt a bit and stood my ground and rested there in that still of the peace. Thanked her and asked of her dogs name and hers. Told her I would pray for her. She asked mine and said the same.


kids home
Well Dash was all upset, he found out on the bus that Dove cheated him the lunch. He was upset. She tried to make amends to him but it took a while.

Fell asleep hard on the sofa
Dash came and sat by me to watch stupid TV and I just leaned over and fell out hard asleep for an hour or so. Real asleep like nothing could of shook me. I dryg myself awake to make a salad as per the kids request. A million song lyrics flowed little parts and pieces as if a medley of words flooding into the expression of the depths of my soul. It was very cathartic. Odd tunds from all areas. Many years and hymns too. Strange how it was as if I just listened and found a strange humor in those words lost so long ago in the ebbs and cracks of my mind.
Steve walked in just then and we all enjoyed each other and the air was light hearten.
made a big salad we all watched home edition


SILove came, her father just recently passed. She came! Wow how very loving she and Steve's Brother came to give me kindness. A beautiful vase of roses WHITE CHRYSANTHEMUMS and lilies with one sweet red rose in the center. A very loving card as well.
I then felt that loved cry within me. We all went back in after they left and it hurt in my heart cause I was loved. THat old healing thing that happens when I am loved. Dove kept asking if I was alright. She reached over to hold my hand and I just said my heart hurts. Dash had asked why? I told him because my sister died.
He said "so"? Whats the big deal? I gave him an example of how if his sister would never be seen again what he might feel like, I think he got it.

White Roses = purity of spirit
White Chrysanthemums (again) = truth
Red roses = love
Lilies= ? He is the lily of the Valley, He is the bright and morning sun

So here I sat while they played on the computer way too late for a tired kid. Dash got on his Daddys last nerve. I interviened and said wow it is so late, they must be so tired. What a big day.
Oh guys that orphanage dance drives me CRAZY!!!!!!!!! So Dash just pushes and pushes trying to plead a case where NO was NO. Would not STOP. He believes NO one has the right to tell him what to do.
OH well it will happen all his adult life that he will have to do things he does not want too and that he will not be able to get to do things he wants too. So to that he would not STOP still.
In the orphanage he learned to do this dance where he got what he needed or wanted by raising a holy stink till he was heard. Unfortunaly by that time they would lose it with him.
I Lost it with him tonight I just lost it. Blew it. Oh I just hate it that I am the adult and I LOST it.
It is so hard, he was too tired and would not let no be no. An injustice was had and come hell or high water he would just not drop it and stop arguing that case teil I lost me temper.
Steve appoligized for ignoring and for not stopping the gaming before they got so tired.
Oh I know I have to give myself A break. Unfortunatly the break is in the cord.
So I will have cords to mend in the morning.

Dawn is lighting up the world

As I sit this morning 4:30 this morning I am catching my breadth. I awoke at three and just laid there and prayed and thought. Knowing we are short on bread and the kids board of Cheerios I calculated that I could have a loaf of bread done if I just got up and started it.
So I did and it is rising.

The weekend was full of generosity toward a needy kid who spent not one but two nights here. Only to leave feeling upset.I think I broke a trust. By telling her guardian that she was very hurt and missed her mother. The kid may have heard and felt afraid to trust me now. How do you win? Dove is devastated that her friend is upset.

I do not have ease to open up my heart here now. My blog feels well infiltrated. Those who ...
Well if it were not for all the comments of support I would not be standing as well as I am this morning and I will say that the earth is quivering under the strain and stress I am experiencing.

I had a wonderful date with my husband this week end. We went for a long drive and tried to find a museum never did found a rest room in a panic, then drove up to the old neighborhood where we first married saw the old house. Had a nice lunch...boy how things change the quality is so reduced. We drove over to the other side of the city and went wandering in an antique store. It was nice.
I wish we might of found the museum for a change of events...our very seldom dates seem to always be the same old thing. We are so boring. We do enjoy each others company. Unfortunately I had a migraine that I just lived and pressed through. The kids had a wonderful swim time at our friends home.

Yep I am pretty down this morning. The dawn might come soon so might my joy...They say it comes in the mourning. Steve said I am just tender...He was sweet and held me. He changed the linens last night to my pleasant surprise. Dove is pre teen pulling away from mom time. I am so glad I understand the process. I do think that it is a challenge to not allow myself to take it personally. It is the time though when all I can do is hope I have set her up well to succeed as a young woman. I have so many wishes for the things that could of been done better or differently. I wish I would have had a better teacher and example myself.
Dash is at a little bit of a difficult stage. He too is gaining those independent things that at times can push my buttons then he can just be so profound. They are really wonderful little people. I feel sorta down on myself about my parenting and the things I have screwed up on. I just try to think how it feels to be in their shoes.
It will not be long now until the pulling away stage into Independence. A good thing. A bit bitter sweet to a mom. Many things haunt me that I so wish I would of done better.

I feel so sad...I watched so many children grow into adulthood and so many a child have a difficult time. I want so badly to see these two succeed in spite of Steve and I and all of the things we could of done so much better...I know in many many ways we have done marvelous things to help these two along. I just wish I could of given them so much more. A healthily extended family, a safe world to go out into. I am not finished yet of course...it is just coming upon us that we have very precious little time to impact their lives for the best effect toward their futures. What a huge task to parent. Parents have to mature themselves while at the same time maturate the children who demand so much more knowledge than we often have been able to acquire.

Well it is 5:45 and time to go punch the bread down. I guess I took the blog back at risk.... Lord help me I feel depressed and sad and just plain old overwhelmed.

I had a dream last night that reminded me that the EMDR lady is surprizingly kind and she has the keys to the cell.

I must pull up courage, resolve and gentleness...I am really grieving over many losses.

Of course a plastic face never really did flatter anyone.

Thankful Thrusday

Reflection...
It is the quiet hour when days recalled remind of the simple moments of my life those days when shoulders were loose and relaxed.
Yet those days gone by were still fraught with trials that I made it through.
Looking back to see all that was missed as the stress removed the beauty of moments now gone.
How fortunate a glance back
I wonder now of all the things robbed from me of all of them this the most priceless...
simple moments without fear
Moments when distractions stole those things dear.
Following images of old this seams to be the story told.
and what of the trials...I am yet alive.
Wished when they were near I would of not bought into the fear.
Humbling to the truth be told when into stress I caved and did fold.
Yet now when I see
When reflect a awhile
He is yet in control
I alive I have my mind another day equipped with the wisdom of when and how to pray .
How can I then say of anything do I give fear.
I know my Creator is standing near wishing wanting to remove every tear.
Wishing wanting to erase the effects on those I love most .
For this I am grateful reflective and true
I wish I could now my children take them all from you.
But human am I , and feeble like wobbling bones dance.
Dance I of reflections, many regrets.
Sorrow of time lost to those tensions strangled then in the grip of the stress.
Release me yet again I beg to trust assuredly .
To mend my fences and restore the breach bind tight the bonds of every cord
do not regret yet another day or anything else that you might say...

reflections freed of the sad yesterday...

reflections released me
of this I pray.

What of the internal compass of man?

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

We all depend on each other.
Even a fish has the world at their needs...constants in our cycles of life
It all has a beginning
an internal compass

It by Him is gained

That knowledge
Through waters murky.
Following become routine
our way became unclear.

Without instruction
lost masses caught up in a surge

exchange of the eternal
things shine as gold
pretty smiles to tempt us

Is our compass just for show
or a pretense of our private hours.Man made courses search a way upstream
For the rivers run choked
in the schemes of man

We reckon with maps
for a better wayGiven steps we climb
a delusion
White waters forces
a mighty foe holds us back

press on

PRESS ON

Compass true
guild our way


For others we fish
Real them in

But ask...
The intent of the catch?
Degrees easily off
a course that is trueChildren capture unknowing
for power and praise

We age then degrees now infinite
mastered into deception

Old men who humor capturing goals

Thus killing the wisdom of Elders
In all sorts of arrogant ways
So lost without compass
we become an others' prey
Lost with out compass
Jumping into jaws that devour

We then bitten hard
as a meal consumed
But...Oh those travelers
Who face currents head strong
Fighting all odds compass true
Fighting for me for you.

Find yee your compass
Choose well a set course.For who you set course with you will come to be known.
Be they a common or your bother your friend


Even to gain a perfect devise
A high tech direction...
what will it gain you?At the end destination achieved

Studied well
usage distracting from the inner guied

Lay it all down
Surrounded in the glory of honorable men

Lashing waters alone
come to HimYour legacy
Setting them begin
By will to be living

Or forced out into the world to begin
A meal for others

It is the greatest of gains to give all to Him

But lay me down now
in the end
Muscle and scale will I fly from

Saved for the life that continues with out end
Will I have fed a belly with goodness

or rotted as carrion
on side of the steam
for the vultures and skunks to feast upon
as many have done

Then in the end

The love you give
is equal to the love

That you live

Sound compass
only in Him...

Those that I live love for
May carry again out to sea
Inner compass
may I plant now within them.

Set with intent purposed to be
When from these spawning tides
They enter the world to begin

The Salmon can find home from a knowing.
What of the nternal compass of man?

Grieving a suicide is so hard!

I feel so angry that I could just split my skin.
I am so furious!
I cant even speak!
Oh I hope this tones down inside of me before I have to parent again in a few minutes.
This process with it's steps of
denial
shock
sorrow
blame
anger and
acceptance.

I accepted this happened long before I started getting angry about it!
I cant help but make mistakes left and right.
There is no remedy.
I am just so livid!
How do you support and help someone through grieving when your just wrecked yourself.
Just got to tend to my own charge.
Function and get through it.
I am just shaking, I am just so angry.
I am disgusted and repulsed at the way this world just rings people out and then just throws them away.
Conditioning them to failure and then just watching it all fall out.
I watch the legacy of my family of origin wreck havoc on these young
and I am incensed!
amazing thing is ...
its like I am the only one of them who sees it.

O.K.
So after about three hours of total exasperated anger I have talked it out with my husband and a good friend.
Thanks SJ, It is so hard to hurt so bad.
I think I just needed to own this anger and walk through the hurt of it.
We each have the innate right of freedom of choice.
Jason had that...
It is however very hard to see choices that are made based on the lives of those who make them
Had we all the perfect world, great opportunities, healthy environments and extended support we all might fair well.
That is rarely the case however for many of us.
Error upon error and extenuating circumstances can lead a life to end and has done so here.
I can not remove any of it.
No one could have made those choices for him.
We do influence however the outcome by offering hope.
I can not change a day of it.
All I could do was watch as it all played out over time.
That lack of control is what God must feel over us.
If he could just steer us into the right.
With all of Gods efforts ...
those subtleties are often so still that the clanging of temptations and trickery become all far more familiar and alluring.
Then the thief wins and another soul is lost to it.

"gotta plant corn if that's what you want to harvest"
His uncle gifted me with that thought.
I have been (literally) picking weeds all week, poetic.

It was really upsetting today to realize that my Mom died to the week few years back.
At the memorial my former sister in law found it necessary to give me an obituary of my step Dads (who I stayed estranged from) wife who died on the 2-25-09.
It was just a bit more than I could take.
Mary Margrett took her life in early March 11 years ago.