These last few months.

In the Yard and Garden:

Planting of 4 trees

Blueberry bushes

Tomatos

Bell peppers

Cucumbers

It is a far harder thing to do with the shoulder issues so few gardening projects for me, just enough to cushion the grocery budget through summer.

The wildflower bed in the front is very pretty with lots of bachelor buttons.

On Education:

Third Quarter grades

 Five to six days a week at least 5 hours a day and my dream of giving an education to the children has been hard won. Dash will continue next year and want to attend Jr High, Dove wants to return to Jr. High next year.
My hopes for a firmer foundation are being met.

I have been earning a new skill in my beading now I am able to better knot and string.

Around the house:

LAUNDRY

Letting go of clutter and passing it on gives space to the bikes.

Just trying to keep up

Parenting:

My days are full of school, fixing three meals a day from scratch and being available to the kids and my husband.

Adoption day 14 for Dove

Dash had his 11^th birthday yesterday.

 It was a different more mature day. All these many years of making a party and spending a budget on that was changed to all of the budget onto one item. His desire an Itouch, not a phone but a tool for filming and correspondence/media.

 Happy Child. The sweet Grandparents took the children out to lunch yesterday and I dashed up to the grocery and purchased a small cake. Due to my arms making one was not doable. The injections the afternoon before left me far too tender.

 Big sister get to share her knowledge for she had one given to her last year for Christmas. All I do mean all kids these days have phones. Mine DO NOT. We much prefer to have the control over contacts and do without incurring monthly bills. I do not even have a cell. We really hate any bills except what must be to have utility and mortgage, insurance.

Daddy Man set up the new tool

It was hard to allow such an expensive item but we kept to the limits. It was wonderful to see Dash so happy and not begrudge his choice to forgo a party (I had to buy a small cake :)

Boundaries have been a huge focus in the training of the last 3 months. My desire is well able young adults, functioning as successful independent people. We are really focusing on responsibility and reality thinking. When you throw a ball up it will come down and one must consider what they will do about catching it or letting it get away to be lost.

The things of the spirit:

For the last several months my spirit has been healing the wrongs done me during the knee replacement. Those feelings left me in a real struggle filled with anger and pain. I really felt that God had abandoned me, or had asked just too much of me. Endurance is a hard thing. One day I will understand when comforting another where only those experienced intimately could. I think that perhaps the pain medication might of actually been stolen by employees. It is a common issue in nursing homes.

Health and self care:

Shots in each shoulder two days ago allow me to sit here and type a while. Although still tender the level of pain has resided significantly. Avoidance of any further surgery left me all but lame in both arms so pain was insistent and tasks stacking up. I was under the false understanding that no further cortisone injections were available that my limit had set me up to have corrective surgery as the next step. So for several months unwilling to go there I have been in pain unable to do much that required me upper body strength. The surgeon has ordered an MRI and surgery will occur on my right shoulder eventually, but today my pain is greatly improved! Bless GOD!

Creative outlets:

Sun catcher

 Mixed media, those are beads (of course) for the back ground. Sorta starry night image. I have yet to do the highlight in the eyes.

 My heart is my offering.

I have been working on a painting for our anniversary as a gift to my husband.

 This is so fun for Dash and his buddy. Imagine two 5th grade boys loving pix-elation the precursor of pointillism.

 Keeps the iron hot every day.

Relationships:

Our 30^th anniversary is in two weeks and we will get to go on holiday.

The children have sleep over’s every other weekend. My house is most often full of children making U tube videos’. They have such fun writing scripts and filming each other.
All of you have been so neglected as has my writing been. Just dealing with the levels of daily pain , slowed by it, I have all I can do to tend to each day. Now that my shoulders feel a lot better due to the injections I have been able to type! However I should stop soon.

Last night Dove and I spoke until well after midnight. She opened her heart up. Best hours spent listening.

Finance and Budgets:

We much prefer to have the control over contacts and do without incurring monthly bills. I do not even have a cell. We really hate any bills except what must be to have utility and mortgage, insurance.

Taxes are done! YA!!!!

We have been saving for our two day stay in Sedona AZ, a Hot Air balloon ride over the red rocks. We were able to match a goal for Dash and gave him a gift that excluded any party. The amounts spent in times past were not too different. We are now partially retired, well at least the checks will come monthly on our years past employer. It really will help us to have a little ease raising the kids into the teen years.

Goals ahead:
In May we hope to have enough saved up for a new refrigerator. My current one is 25 years old! Still works but it is hard on my back to bend now that my knee is now able to be knelt on. We hope to get one with the freezer on the bottom.

Security

Over and over and over today my montra has been
"change me, he is afraid of loss, everything is alright Dash, we can do it over, and so on. Give me a fish and I'll still need to learn how. Teach me how and I will be fed.
Last night we openly discussed ADD with the kids. We called it their wound, and spoke about how it makes them feel bad because they can not figure out why they act the way they do. It worked wonders!

Our Dear Dash came to each of us and said. "sorry I said all that about myself being a failure and hating myself" Oh music.

Dove and I washed her hair clean and I gave her a beauty bar. She is so dear pulling her out tonight over clean hair to look pretty. She is so into fictional characters. I hear little of reality. I few snippets here and there so I will try to have so open ended talks. So hard to know how to fish her out.

We are working hard to help re-establish safety.

 "can I do this?"

I can not change him, I can change me. I keep seeing my son in that crib screaming for food. I think of his story. Landing with us and in our first two months together; internal and external parasites throughout the family and dog three times. At six weeks home me having the radical hip to hip hysterectomy. Ripping my hand when falling as I protected his head from the floor. His needing to be medicated daily or the risk of dwarfism. Dove being left a bit in the dust as her own needs were delighted to others. Missing her attachment time with me.
So many many trials have left a wake of attachment stuff now surfacing after this straw of me missing for three weeks.
Yes it is said better than the future that might of been if they were left in orphanage. Now It must all be faced.

The absence of kindness, when children believe a lie.

Being missing in action has left a tole on my family. Warm meals and clean sheets may not sound like much but it makes a real difference. Kindness in its absence leaves for survival. Yes as all who have said were right "they will get through it", but it took a tole here. My kids missed edification and the luxurious lifestyle of moms gifts of kindness. The clean, warm kindnesses offered by a present mother.
In the absence of kindness irritability grows, self sufficiency can become resented. It is now for me to heal the edges of resentment with patience that honestly I have not been able yet to pull up. Being worn out before 10 a.m.is left me discouraged. Using as many tools as I can with Dash has left me to tears. He is with me 24/7, Dove is at Jr High.
Special needs kids have an extra layer to cover, to heal and peal back from my absence. Dealing with low self esteem left from an absence of being built up daily is a heroic challenge indeed. One I certainly feel ill equipped this morning to handle. Attachment Deficit Disorder is a hard special need to deal with. Dash being with me all day still needs to be at my hip constantly. I am not hardly able to go to the bathroom. I can sit here near him while he does his work and he is fine. Being so stressed I took to doing something about it. Here is what I have come up with that may help me this morning.
My son has hardened into a 'choice' to think he is a failure. Like an identity. We have done all we know to expose this as a lie, a choice to believe or not. We feel we may have failed him ourselves. For him to think of himself this way devastates me. It is based I think in the inability to accept that he is an imperfect human with an intolerably high IQ. It is not accepted by him if he does not do everything perfectly the first time. He is being taken to his knees in hopes all of this will help him find some humility and peace.
I really am taken into places of anger and frustration with him due to some poor parenting practices. Each kid is different to parent. Some kids are harder. This boy of mine is so amazing bur really stubborn. Being his home school coach is a full time job, it has left me wanting to be able to praise him more. He tosses any praise aside and disregards it. Lord I need wisdom and I need health for the strength to do this all better. It is so hard. I feel worn out at times not wanting to fight or yell at him ever again. So I will do my best to avoid the traps. I am a parent who has made mistakes and now I need to keep learning how to do it better. My habit of trying to encourage him when he is angry has to stop. He can not hear it and it just makes me escalate into frustration.

At the moment we have a honeymoon stage. Oh it is just so exhausting. I am not speaking with him as I am typing so he is now singing Christmas song and talking well chattering with the dog. As his coach with school I have to work so hard to praise as I correct. Hard work.

1. Don’t yell or challenge your child when he’s angry.

Many times parents deal with angry outbursts by challenging their kids and yelling back. But this will just increase your feeling of being out of control. The best thing you can do is remain calm in a crisis. Think of it this way: Even if you get into a car accident and the other driver jumps out and is furious at you, if you can remain calm, they will probably start to relax and be reasonable. But if you come back at them with an aggressive response, and say, “What are you talking about, that was your fault,” the tension just stays at that heightened place. So don’t challenge your child when he’s angry—that’s just like throwing a match onto a pile of firecrackers. Just wait until he calms down.

2. Don’t try to reason with your child when he’s in the middle of a tantrum, tirade or angry outburst. ME!

Many parents I talk to fall back on logic when their kids are angry. After all, as adults, we reason through things to defuse tense situations. This is always a challenge with kids because they don’t have the same capacity to stop and reason like we do. So when you’re dealing with your angry child, you have to leave that verbal place where you feel pretty comfortable and use different techniques. Saying, “Why are you mad at me? You were the one who forgot your homework at school,” will only make your child angrier. Instead, wait until he calms down and then talk it through later.

3. Pay attention to your physical reactions.

It’s important to watch your physical reactions because your senses will tell you “Yikes, I’m in the presence of somebody who is very upset.” You’ll feel your heart start beating faster because your adrenaline will be heightened. Even though it’s difficult, the trick is to act against that in some way and try to stay calm. Remember, you’re lending your children your strength in these moments; you’re showing them how to handle anger.  By staying calm, you’re not challenging your child by yelling back and engaging in a power struggle; this only escalates the tension. And paying attention to your own reactions will also help your child pay attention to himself because he won’t need to worry about you or your emotions. When you don’t respond calmly, your child will work even harder at his tantrum to try to get you to pay attention.  So you really have to tap into some solid parenting skills to handle the outburst quickly and effectively.

4. Don’t get physical with your child.

Sometimes on the Parental Support Line we hear from parents who have lost it and gotten physical with their kids. I took a call from a dad whose teenage son mouthed off to his mom, and the father shoved him. The fight escalated. The son would not speak to his father because he felt his dad should apologize to him; the father, on the other hand, felt that his son caused the problem and worried that his authority would diminish if he apologized. I advised him to say, “I lost control and it was wrong for me to shove you. I apologize.” That’s it; end of story. You don’t go into your child’s role in that situation at all because it is an attempt to place the blame on someone else for your actions. Rather, you want to teach your child how to take responsibility and make a genuine apology. Don’t worry—you will have other opportunities to work with your child around being mouthy or defiant. But it’s important to be a good role model and address your role in the fight going south. Remember, if you get physical with your child, among other things, you’re just teaching him to solve his problems with aggression.

5. Take a different approach with younger kids.

If your small child (eighteen months to age four) is in the midst of a temper tantrum, you want to move ever so slightly away from him, but don’t isolate him completely. When small kids are upset, you want to help them to start to learn that they can have a role in calming themselves down. You can say, “I wish I could help you calm yourself down. Maybe you can lie on the couch for a little bit.” So have them calm down until they feel in control. By doing that you’re asking them to pay attention to themselves. So instead of, “You have to sit there for ten minutes by yourself,” it’s more of, “When you feel better and you’re not upset anymore, you can come on out and join us.” You can also give them a choice. You can say, “Do you need time to go into your room and get it together?” Again, don’t challenge them when they’re in that mode.

6. Don’t freeze up.  

Some parents freeze up when their kids throw tantrums or start screaming at them. The parent is emotionally overwhelmed and becomes paralyzed with indecision or gives in to the child. If you’re this type of person, you may find that sometimes your child will get angry on purpose to engage you; they’ll bait you by throwing a fit or saying something rude, because they know that this will cause you to give in. So your job is to not take the bait—don’t get angry, and don’t give in.

I think parents sometimes have a tendency to renegotiate with their child in these situations. Often, they’re having a hard time managing their own emotions and so they don’t know how to coach their child properly in that moment. But remember, if you give in and renegotiate, even every once in a while, you’re teaching your child that it’s worth it to act out.  Instead, let them calm down and try to coach them to use their problem-solving skills later. In my opinion, once you start doing that, you’re not passive. You are making a conscious choice to not get into an argument. You’re saying, “I’m not going to renegotiate; I’m going to be calm.” Although it may not seem like it on the surface, all of those choices are actions—you are making a choice not to give in.

7. Give consequences for the bad behavior, not for the anger.

When your child throws a tantrum, starts screaming and really loses it, make sure you give him consequences based on his behavior and not on his emotions. For example, if your child calls you a foul name during his angry outburst, give him a consequence later for that infraction of the rules. But if all he does is stomp into his room and yell about how life isn’t fair, I would let that go. Kids get angry just like we do; they need to feel that they have a safe place to let off steam. As long as they’re not breaking any rules, I think you should allow them to have that time to be angry.

8. Don’t give overly harsh punishments.

Giving harsh punishments in the heat of the moment is a losing proposition. Here’s why: Let’s say your child is angry. He’s having a tantrum and shouting and screaming at you. You keep saying, “If you don’t get it together, I’m going to take away your Wii for a week. Okay now it’s two weeks. Now it’s a month…do you want to keep going?” But to your dismay, your child keeps escalating; the more you try to punish him in order to force him to stop and get control of himself, the worse he gets.

We have a name for that kind of discipline: It’s called “consequence stacking.” What’s really happening here is that the parent is losing emotional control. I understand that it is hard to tolerate it when your kid is upset—we don’t like it. But what you want to try to ask yourself is, “What do I want my child to learn?” And the answer might be, “I want him to learn how to not throw a fit every time he has to do something he doesn’t want to do. I want him to learn that when he gets upset, there’s an appropriate way to get out of it.” The worst thing you can do is join him and get upset yourself. Harsh punishments that seem never-ending to your child are not effective, and will only make him angrier in that moment.

9. Take a break.

On the Support Line, I’ll often ask parents who call about their child’s angry outbursts the following question: “When you and your spouse are mad at each other, what do you do to calm down?” Often, people will say they take a break and do something on their own for a little while until they can calm down and talk it through. This technique also works with your child, but parents often don’t think of it because they feel they should have control over their kids. But remember, when somebody is angry, you can’t reason with them and you can’t rush it. The bottom line is that if you stay there in that anger and keep engaging each other, it will not go away—it will just get bigger.  So take a break and come back and interact with each other later when everyone is calm.

10. Role model appropriate responses when you’re angry.

I also tell parents they should try to role model dealing with their own anger appropriately in front of their children. What are some good ways to do that? Say, “I’m getting frustrated—I’m going to take a break.” or “I can’t talk to you right now; I’m really upset so I’m going to wait until I’m calm. I’m going to come back and we’ll talk later.”

Admitting that you’re angry and you need some time to calm down is not a weakness; it takes a lot of strength to say these words out loud. Remember, you’re teaching the lesson of how to manage your anger, and that’s exactly what you want your child to learn.

 

Dove hit her goal!

With only a few weeks left our sweet daughter made her goal of getting 100% on a math test!
She has worked so hard and has not been able to get there and this time she did. This is very encouraging for she is in the lower level for her grade. Now she has more confidence to be able to move up to the next unit.
What a wonderful thing to see her have a mission and make competency after such a long hard efforts, were talking 8 months work here!

On Parenting an ill special needs child

First off thank you for your prayers for Dove.

The retching started up Wednesday again a pattern was emerging. When she was stressed it would get worse. Not too unlike any of us really. It was as if it was expected of her somehow. As I observed and focused on the stillness that holds answers within the most inner part of me. I began to see something, but then it lit up again. So I just stepped back and watched. When Steve got home and sat in the living room, then Dash came in and sat on the air mattress it started up again.

Correcting Dash the discussed looks at Dove, he caught on.

Steve had little of it and demanded a trip to the urgent care to get some help. So it went tough really. Steve became a bit annoyed that Dove was being a wet noodle, calling to much on me to physically assist her. She stood against the exit to go to the Urgent Care Doc. Gave me all kinds of fit. I think I have learned that by just acknowledging..."ya, I know I wouldn't want to go either but we need to go."

That did not stop the verbal battle but she wanted to go with me not Dad. I said to her..." you can either go with me or dad but you need  to go. She chose me at dad became the target of the teenage..."I hate you your so mean" poor guy.

She verbally refused all the way to the place, retching and vomiting (seemingly so). I think that she was so mad that she was even upsetting her constitution. Leaving her nearby in the car I went in to ask if they could receive her. Telling them what they were up for. We got there and they helped us in promptly as too not spread it in the lobby. The triage nurse went to MOP's (moms of preschoolers) at a church we attended when Dove was little. She recognized us.

She was a big help. Although ignorant about the way to address the issues. It is so hard with the kid sitting right there. Dove is not a stupid or dense kid, just a wonderful 13 year old going on 8 at times, with a social cognitive issue and anxiety disorder.

"can she understand, can she speak?" asked the nurse. Yes...

Then the odd looks one gets, like a pity or a....well adoption is an open heart not one that is as prone to expect perfection. Knowing that no child on earth is perfect.

Anyway :) we gave her a shot of fenagrin to stop the retching cycle. She has a sinus infection too. That is what Steve and I suggested before I took her to the ER on Monday night. ER doc...

Post script...sorry so busy over here 

Wednesday night she slept in our room. She let out a little retch and I said "Stop"!

To which she responded "what?"

"Oh No this will not start up again, don't even let it go there.  Keep it from starting Dove"

but to ease the anxiety we made it all very calming for her. The cycle broke bless God. She slept 16 hours! I began to get concerned and went to check her again she was awake in the rest room and had started her period. Poor kid. Perhaps PMS could of played a part in all of this.

She stayed home Thursday but I insisted she sit up on the sofa and encouraged foods. By days end a real turn around. She had finally left the sofa while we were out getting my knee injections.

We left her and Dash home for the 45 minutes we were gone.

As soon as we settled me on the sofa I had Steve help me by removing any and all signs of her being sick in the living room.

Out of sight out of mind. Out of mind out of anxiety. IT WORKED!

She went to school Friday. Mid day I called the nurse at the school to have her call Dove up to office to tend to hygienic needs. This to stave  off the anxiety of having the bathroom door kicked in (yes it happens now). School bathrooms are the one danger place for kids.

Now I am not really sure whether she had flu or not. I now she was sick a 103* was very high. The illness was not faked at all.

It was her reaction to it. 

 The anxiety that caused the every 30 second retching. Once it began she could not stop it. I sorta wonder if she thought she needed to puke just because that ER doc said that she would be soon. She began the retch right after while we were being discharged. It all worked out. I just think it important to share the knowledge with other moms.

WE HAD TO Remove the cycle of retching with meds for she could not stop it on her own.

Kept the anxiety as low as I could by using verbiage about how glad I was that she would feel so much better.

Told her how well she was going to sleep.

Spoke often at how this will only last a short while and will be over soon.

Removed any sign of illness once she was better.

I hope that this might be of help to others

Be Blessed

Dove is Retching every 30 seconds!

After doing a little research I discovered that kids with panic disorders will do this. I have tried a half of to dissolved clonopin.

Retching is a process in the human body where gastric (and sometimes duodenal) contents are forced into the esophagus, but do not enter the pharynx. Retching usually precedes vomiting, when the upper esophageal sphincter remains closed. If the upper oesophageal sphincter is open, vomiting occurs. It is usually caused by a bad smell or choking. Retching involves a deep inspiration against a closed glottis. This, along with contraction of the abdomen leads to a pressure difference between the abdominal and thoracic cavities. As a result, the stomach and gastric contents are displaced upwards towards the thoracic cavity


It seams to have slowed. I am awaiting the doctors call back. The nurse has NO openings to get her back in. I do think it may be her special needs condition. It is doing a little better.

Help! 

 Does anyone with special needs kids have this happen when they get sick!

Dash Individualized Education Plan Meeting

 Speech therapy

 In early 2007

22 miles one way

 This is the wall of photo's of all of the kids who were helped by the CRS childrens' rehab before they lost the funding. Dash is in red on the bottom.

 In November of 2006 He was fitted with his first hearing aides

 This after several months of intervention, paperwork and all the other things that were a part of the jurney.
He had surgery back in 2004? for the deformity of throat and such.

 Even then He had to understand and the woman was so amazing at that.

 This was just before Dove had her oral surgery to remove the supernumerary tooth in her upper palate. She still had those adorable buck teeth. She was so excited. Dash was apprehensive.

 She put them in and turned him around. Then she turned them on and had me speak to him, at that instant turning the chair around. This is what I saw the first time he heard me clearly. I will never forget that day as long as I live. Look at that joy.

Well now here it is almost exactly four years later. He hears much better. This morning was held the meeting for the review of the IEP at the school. He was released of speech therapy, relieve of the hearing specialist, removed from the IEP and given a 504 status. He is a straight A student with great behavior.The 504 will give him special consideration for preferential seating. We will use a speaker on the desk and the teacher will use a microphone. I would not sign until it was added that his (any) teacher would be given the education and support to be able to use skills to help him and others of hearing impaired kids. They sorta dismissed me. I held my ground. It was added,
then I signed. These are amazing people I am dealing with this time. Same as last with Dove. So much easier than the years of battles before.

One of his hearing aides is broken so unless we are able to come up with the funds to replace it this will have to do for now. I almost cried (well I did). So in junior high we must have the aids repaired and in place. For there the speaker will just not due. They change classes throughout the day.
So today My Sweet Boy is so accomplished that he is able to use a speaker on desk. Now however this places him at the (lack of) mercy of an obnoxious kid who is intent on not making it easy for him.

Hugo is not in this image

Please pray for a boy named HUGO that his heart might be healed in his needs for attention so that Dash can benefit without the hassle this boy has to offer. As of now with the over 400 kids Dash is only one of two who are hearing impaired. The other is VERY special needs and Dash could not really gain they feel. That sweet kid is handicapped by needs.
Dash was very regressive Sunday night. His RAD (reactive attachment) was flagging big time. The sweet baby is feeling a stress belonging issue due to being different. I need lots of wisdom as due the educators in supporting him. I have a little boy in the evenings and early mornings. Not too bad today. I can see he is really trying to be strong.