Putting your head down and pushing through

In all lives there come seasons that seem they will never end. Those months or years of hanging in there. For some it might be a job, a mortgage or those endless unexpected expenses. Others perhaps pain of body, soul or mind. Perhaps even a pain of  a interpersonal nature. We all have them.

Although we need to be encouraged through, it is love to remember that those around us too are pushing through.

It is thought that at this time in our economy we really are all  'head down pushing though'. Yet it is in every moment that there are those around us, or even our own self found face to the floor with only clear determination.
Each case alters from another.

There is though a hope. Even though hope deferred can make a heart sick, it is hope that gives our face a glance up. What then? What is it that eyes must be fixed on; Eyes that so easily can only see the floor below us. Hope. Trust that God yet lives. That He is for us not against us.

As all around us there are those who try to gaze up, but are reminded to cast down the glance as it is said 'all is doom'. Doom? For whom? Those without a hope. What is it to pour out the hope within you to another? This spoken realistically here not the mere spiritual answer. Yes hope is to be found in God alone, but what does that look like? We will only see it if our head lifts. If we lift the chin of another they must relax to allow it.

Pushing through is no fun. Thinking though into the hope we desire is to have vision . If that proves elusive than the head stays down and all that is left is to 'push through'.

Look up. Spread the news. Hold the chin of another if allowed. If not respect and support them as they push through. Sometimes that is all one can do. From the mouth of a child who said "think about all of this pain when it is over, not now when it is so hard".

Love awaits us all

You know love is an amazing force. Last night love covered me in tenderness. He came to me and rubbed my knotted leg easing the cramped muscles. He came to me in another, telling me to think about all the things I will soon be able to do. She stayed at bay not wanting to see pain. That too is a love.

Love came in prayer as a vision of the dear folks so many decades gone by now. Those longing to shower only to escape the shells of being during the holocaust. Lifted up all together into eternity. Love lent a compassion that our maker might embrace them all. Love focused on love in action.

Love came in a reminder of prayers said. Love rushed into day to call someone so cared about. Love sits now ready to feed and usher young lives into days adventures and tasks. Love lays on the floor at my feet happy of bone and a pet. Silent the love of wings await for an open window.

Love awaits us all

This is Rex he is Doves pet

Getting ready to return to writting.

Finding a comfortable place to type has been a trial. Testing out this and that, only to realize sitting is too painful. laying down too awkward. A lap top on my vanity stool and I in a low chair with my feet under it. The lap top part on my good knee and part on the stool. A pillow behind me for my back. Nothing worked!

 My sweet man just got me all set up. A little collapsible table and a chair with my leg outstretched on a huge pillow. Lets see how long this will last ").
It has been a real journey doing this new knee. Glad for it just tired of it. Tomorrow will be seven weeks. My recovery is WAY ahead if schedule.  I must get back to writing. The constant typos are driving me nuts
.
Kids are fine. Dash is moody because frankly a teenage sister can be rather rude and full of herself. Some tough love is in order.

We rested and watched a movie together this weekend. A Sunday morning breakfast of pancakes and bacon was followed by the tears of pain. A response to attempting to succeed at the goal of it. Enough of the cakes did not burn so we each had two.Cooking is much harder these days. Patients is really tested in each attempt of normalcy.
*this stupid lap top just did that again, interjected a sentence where it did not belong*
Dash has lost several teeth of late. He has become rather an investment for the tooth fairy.
A note to Annette was a part of this post. Another pill for pain and focus is slowing giving way to sleepiness.


A camera gifted us is now being able to get a few images up

 note the pain pills

 Dove had her first school dance. My knee works pretty well. The walker that was loaned to us by the folks made all the difference in the world. My leg holds a very light scar. Everyone is blown away by it. It almost doesn't show in a few places. My knees are well sized. Only now my leg is almost two inches longer than the other one. A leg length discrepancy they call it. Orthopedic shoes to come.

 Dash K12 science experiment on salinity of sea water and the effects if it.

This new set up is much more comfortable.
Have a sweet night

Children in my heart fill my mind with pleasure

Good Morning!
As some of you may have guessed my camera is no more. My sweet son has repeatedly told me that he wants a new camera. He is saving his allowance he tells me. First to replace mine because he broke it, then to get one for himself so he can finish his Lego still images. He is then to put them into movie form. Unfortunately my camera was 'lost' in his process.
Note the lack of images on the blog.

We are doing great here. My leg is mending remarkably fast according to the surgeon. HE was actually stunned.
Sometime before my knee replacement my wrist was injured one day either when the kids and I were playing of when I slapped a wall in utter frustration. So typing is painful after a while. The meniscus is said to be torn, however it is/was just too much to deal with. Seems my shoulder is fussing as well. My left knee is to be fitted for a support brace this Thursday. My left knee is looking a bit better now that it is no longer carrying my other leg bowed. My new knee is such a gift and a blessing. It is however an inch or so longer than my other leg now so my hip and low back fuss as well. This old bag of bones is fussy but the heart within happy.

The children had each a separate event and invite this weekend. Then the boys went out. Dove and I also went out just the two of us. Dash and I spend our quiet days together. He gets a lot of my time one on one. While Dove and I have many ties to form. Being together with her Sunday was a gift, a treasure. We spoke mostly her wonderful mind and heart shared. I felt so grateful to hear it. Topics of her being her own person not wanting to follow the crowd, having her own style. Then after referring to a friend of hers she shared how a guy has to want you and care enough to protect you or he is just not worth it. GLORY! She wanted a new skirt so we shopped for one that fit her nicely. She made a modest choice. Wisdom struck me to just let her try on the short denim one. From the fitting room she declared "wow that is just way too short". Gotta LOVE IT!

Having lunch together she opened up so much, a fresh breadth of my daughter. After 3 weeks in a nursing home, missing the first three months of Jr High she had become a bit of a stranger to me. Closed off she kept silent most days. She is the child that calls to be fished out of those deep waters.

What a wonderful day 'on the lake'  :)

Dash is working on composition this morning. It is so hard for him to understand an editing process. He apologizes for the imperfect first draft. My great effort today is to help his process. Great progress is happening even as I take breaks with him while I type this.

So on with the day as I try to better balence the rest with the activities of my day.May your day be filled with a mild sonshine

shorty bear update

Many of you know Denise O. Better known to all of us as Shorty Bear.
I just spoke with her husband Eddie. Denise is in a rehab center.
Both a with a tumor on her left brain, a stroke and a blood clot in her neck.
She is in a real bad way with the diabetes out of control. If/when she is to be released they will need help for her if she is to be able to stay home.
Eddie is working (bless God) first shift. So he has a need to have that covered. This a prayer request. I'll let you all know if I get a chance to speak to her.

Total Knee Replacement Recovery

Good Morning! I am so happy. This morning we met with the knee surgeon. "I am startled! he said" at how well your doing. My foot almost touches my fanny when I lay down and pull it up (115*) without help. Standing straight with extension it was at 5*. Most folks can not bend the leg at this point. He said that I was a unique person,"not negative or positive he said". One who sees things my own way. I got a kick out of it. He was really happy about my knee. I saw an xray of it. Strange. The meniscus in the joint is so much higher and thicker than the left leg. So it is a longer leg now. It is beautiful. Very strange to see it.
Pain is yet a constant and may be for three months or so. Just part of the process.

Bless God for all the help that has given me such gain. His hand has done it. Given me the good attitude and tenacity.

Now Driving privileges are mine! One week early. It is now 5 weeks 3 days out.

Thank you all for the kindness of your prayers.

Arizona Virtual Academy

This year Dash asked to do K12 Arizona Virtual Academy. Homeschooling is really going well. He is getting very interested in science, math and history. Other subjects are found to be interesting just not his favorite. It takes a bit of my time and effort but I enjoy giving that to him. What better career :)
My knee is doing better.
Dove wants to do the K12  now.

The Memories of 911 were very personal to me. (a repost from 2007)

Red Square

First Sight December 2001

I took great pause in posting yesterday on that day of dreadful remembrance.
That day, for me, was made a very memorable personal day.
After the start/ stop/ start of the adoption of our son, a match was made on a child who was born that March. At six months of age the children were released from the Russian data bank to anyone who was certified and who wanted to adopt them.
That day I stood there in my kitchen just a short week after we accepted the match of our son who was starving and abandoned in the un-adoptable side of a Russian orphanage. I stood fixed at the kitchen set at the first blow to the towers. I was on the phone to my husband as I gasped at the blow to the second tower. I wept knowing that lives were lost. As I saw the souls leap into eternity, that day, my dreams were possibly going down with them. I had waited 20 years for this son.
I fell to my knees in horror knowing that the world would never be the same and that possibly the little boy half a world away might loose his chance for life as well.
I am sobbing now just remembering this... I knew that God had made a promise to me. I had lived in that promise for most of my adulthood. I saw the promise of so many lives lost that day as I wept, As I weep now.
We were kept on standby as the new President of Russia was changing all the adoption laws. We had poured out financially to our limit and did not know how we could possibly make this happen. It was out of our hands. My husband was in the process of his plant closing and he watched 6000 people loose jobs around him. We never knew if the next day may bring a pink slip for us as well.
My Son was half a world away starving, languishing and I could only pray for him not knowing if he might be as our little Natasha ( an infant we had to turn down, she was far to ill to survive and our Miss Fiction came home to us instead three years prior) will always be, simply a child of my heart never to have a Mother and Father. That child is most likely deceased now.
We watched as our troupes entered the Northern Afghanistan boarders. Our Sons orphanage was only 500 miles as the crow (or bomb) flies. We just prayed for peace in the region. And wept at night and longed for him in my arms. We were having so many things (battles) during those few months. I had to face a Radical Hysterectomy because they could not stop the bleeding I had. The doctors wanted to put me on a type of chemo tho stop my cycle and the internal bleeding. It was an injected rod that would have to be surgically removed if the side effects were to bad.Thank God for Wisdom I said NO> we could not risk being in a third world country with it in me. Only to find out it was Bad stuff that was being used as a lucrative pharmaceutical extortion plot reveled on national T.V. the night before I made the final decision (God kept me safe). They planned surgery for early December. I had a child half a world away and I was about to have my own reproductive system removed form me with empty arms (save that my sweet daughter was in them), yet I could not hold my daughter due to the internal bleeding and several surgeries to remove the adhesions so I could stand up straight. I had end stage endomeitriosis.
The date was set for surgery. A week later We were called as one of the first families to get to fly out internationally. We were at great threat of kidnapping however. We made a trust for our daughter and had to choose. To go get our son out, or be safe and let him go. HE WAS MY/OUR SON!
There are many dangers I can not speak of due to those who travel after. It will not be as doable now the laws changed that spring. We were under the wire by 2 weeks and so we were able to do only the one trip. Since then families have to make two or more trips to adopt.
We got there in great danger we were to not even have our voice heard in public. We screamed "American" just by our dress. But to voice in public could be life threatening. We were in Russia three weeks after the secret service entered the Northern Afghanistan region. We were there just over two weeks without my girl in my arms and a very sick infant who was at risk for retardation and dwarfism.

So 9-11 is a very personal time for me. It reminds me of great loss yet of great hope and promise for the future.

Post script. The day the judge said yes was the day I was to have surgery. It was performed 6 weeks after we got our Son home from Russia. I was post menopausal with a 3 year old with special needs and a 10 month old Who was very ill all with raging hormones.
Our Son recovered from the hypothyroidism 3 years later. and the threat of retardation passed as well as the dwarfism..He has special needs however don't we all :)
Our daughter stayed here in the states with her elder Paternal Grand Parents who risked so much right along with us.
We were able to receive an adoption reimbursed of $6000. from our employer only months before the 25+ year carreer was over.

Knowing; never be alone in it again.

For it has now been a month out from the gift of this new knee.  How I have challenged greet changes in my character. How much suffering at the neglect of proper pain control repeatedly. Yet how neglected a thought of so so many many opportunities to see Gods hand upon me.

Again Friday once more in the face of a lack of pain medication I saw His hand came for me mercifully.

It was that at my physical therapy appointment that a rap camp upon the door. Softly at first then again, as I lay there in the dark. Heat upon and under my knee and my back, electric stem as well. She tipped her head in. "your husband is on the phone, He is asking about the authorization from the surgeons office. He is at the pharmacy trying to pick up the prescription"

Laying there I began to weep. Then the thought of it being a Friday I wept I shook. Knowing what it has been to repeatedly suffer the full bore of bone to metal. Knowing full well that error upon error has pressed my mental stamina and physical endurance to my limits of reason and sanity...I wept.


'Please Please Please Please God have mercy on me. No more'

As the lights came on, ringing a stop to the comfort of the heating pads. My breadth pulled in within me. The front staff helped as we came to find that the surgeon has NO after hour contact. I called the Walgreen's bypassing the call center going straight to store.


There he was His name was John. He made every effort to no avail yet told me he would let me know. Retuning to therapy with trepidation the choice to go on was made. Either way I was in for a hurt. Sooner or later but both. With knee replacement one can not allow the tissue to go un worked or a limp will be so the rest of days.
Steve came for me with my beautiful daughter in tow. We headed for home.
A vision came of me in the wheelchair in store. Many calls so far out of Johns duties was met an OK by my primary doctor who was at home. He succeeded for us.

Mercy mine. 

As rest and pain are yet a balancing task.
Was there not mercy when the outcomes were unmet?When hour after hour I felt the fullness of pain. Knowing the bone connection. Was there not mercy even then?

In this I know what it is to suffer unbearable pain. In this I have witnessed faces forced to do nothing but stand by and watch. What it is to have a friend hold me as my fist pound out in retched pain (Lisa always within my heart your prayer and embrace). What it is to risk a pill to ease it, not knowing the long term consequences. What it is to be loved by so many. What it looks like when others are not. The face of loneliness and fear of isolation. What it is for our elders in their hour of need when imprisoned in nursing home bureaucracy. The kindness of one soul who took me under her care because "you felt so alone in this". The delight of admiration from others while I was in the face of courage. To go home to a professional group that will help me get fine, feel safe to rest. So many things yet to clarify. To have an amazing friend, a husband who has always loved me as this.

Tonight sitting here in the silence of the summer rain I know mercy. Mercy that knowing all of the horrid things over this last month they will become turned into a passion, love. Toward myself first then others likewise who too know 'alone'. They might in my knowing never be alone (without someone understanding what it is like) in it again.

TWO WAY GLASS IMAGE MIRROR IMAGE

 

A Mirror or a 2-Way Glass? How can you tell when you are in a room, restroom, motel etc. with a mirror or a 2-way glass? Here's how: I thought it was quite interesting! And I know

in about 30 seconds you're going to do what I did and find

the nearest mirror.

Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or not?

A policewoman who travels all over the US and gives seminars

and techniques for businesswomen passed this on.

When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms,

etc., how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary

mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way

mirror (i.e., they can see you, but you can't see them)?

There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors

in female changing rooms . It is very difficult to positively identify

the surface by looking at it.

So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type

of mirror we are looking at?

Just conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective

surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail,

then it is GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the

image of your nail, then BEWARE! IT IS A 2-WAY MIRROR!

"No Space, Leave the Place" So remember, every time you see a mirror, do the

 

"fingernail test." It doesn't cost you anything.

REMEMBER. No Space, Leave the Place:

Ladies: Share this with your girlfriends, sisters, daughters, etc.

Men: Share this with your wives, daughters, daughters-in-law, mothers,

girlfriends and/or friends. 

Back into life at home

Steve went back to work today with an early new schedule. He will get off that much earlier and be able to pick me up then Dove. He will drop me off at therapy (5 days a week) and come home to the kids. Later to return and and fetch me.
God has blessed us with a loving neighbor across the street. She has been around for years. A single woman who over the years Steve has kept eye out for. She will be covering me by taking Dove to school each morning (a 7 minute ride) . That way she does not need to ride the bus (over and hour here to there). Much safer as well regarding her social cognitive.
Dash and I are home. He is doing his on line K12 schooling. We are doing great!
Pain changes my voice stress concerns Dash of if I am angry so he is understanding now what is causing it. Getting up and down a lot for him to enter my pass word I think is good for my leg. I rode the stationary bike sorta for 15 minutes this morning. Just sorta rocking back and forth.

Well for the first morning so far so good. Pain is tough.

Our dear friends of 10 years+ are leaving state in two days. We all were blessed to spend several hours together last night. Made for a very late night. The kids played, we visited and shared our journeys with each other. We all prayed and wept. They are moving up to Montana. Some will fly and then the guys (including another fellow friend of ours) will drive up the vehicles and do a weeks fishing along the way. What an adventure along the way. They are walking into their dream.

Would it be that we were each courageous and fortunate enough to do so.

Prayer request out for Shorty Bear

I just got this word from Marsha.
Our dear friend is in battle with her body. Please remember her and Eddie tonight and on.
thanks everyone.

 Marsha wrote

Please pray for Denise! Her husband Eddie just called me. She is VERY sick. She hasn't been able to hold food or water down for so long, she's about 100 lbs. They took her by ambulance this evening, so was so weak. They did a Cat Scan and they found a small tumor on the back of her brain - either cancer or a stroke, not sure which. Biopsy is tomorrow. She is in Erlanger Surgical Intensive Care unit. He will keep me posted.

home safe

Hello
Last night i wrote a lovely long post and lost it

Thank you all for your loveing prayers and well wishes
Today is full for Steve goes back to work tomorrow so this is all I can do to say hello at the moment.
I have to learn Dash's school program.
Love you all

screaming

in the night even just now there is an elder who screams in the night. Last night I had to go see what was going on. I just could not handle listening without checking on her to see why. Her foot has terrible wounds and they have her in booties to stop the degeneration of her skin. She screams. I pray for her. I wish she could know Him and he would let her go home.
Suffering is so heartbreaking. Her screams I wish I could comfort and can not. I wish I could go to her and comfort her.
Mercy mercy for the darling.

Last night my dear Alice two doors down fell. The floor nurse came to check on me and asked if I dropped anything. Something felt real off and I could not relax. Later the cna came when I pushed the call light to ask if something was wrong. It was then she told me that there was blood all over from an elbow injury and she also hit her head. She is all of 85 and was to go home today.

The elder across the hall is screaming again.

I pray
today is my last day

the love of family

Oh how refreshing is the smile of my child. The citter chatter of interupted conversations. The silly attention seeking actions of my boy. Everyone eager to be heard all at the same time. It was wonderful.
Steve was begged a visit from me for I was about to go stir crazy for missing them. He is so busy with all the going on's of schooling Dash and getting Dove off to Jr High. Feeding bathing and all of our young ones he has had little chance to come up to visit me in this 22 day stint, 24 if you count the hospital. 26 total by Saturdays arrival at home. How it is to be that time is at hand to return home. So much hard hard work has gotten me up and walking with a four wheel walker. Even now I am dozing off while I try to type. The pain medication mixed with the other ones I am on really make sleep a friend to rest. That is morning job rest.

How dear it is to embrace and be embraced by all of you. Yesterday a woman and her sister invited me to sit with them awesome. We spoke of HIM and the greater things we all have known and witnesses. Leaving that table was the best time I have had here. So refreshing. This woman's' sister had slept on a fold out sofa for a month. She is returning Saturday to her home while her dearly loved sister struggles with the decision whether or not to have the 4th surgery for the returning brain tumor. How utterly educated I felt as this dear sister of teh woman stood and helped me to sit down. She bent like a tree in the wind with severe scoliosis.

We are all capable of reaching out. Here this was the first time that the table  was turned for this exhausted soul of mine. They reached out to me. I needed that so bad. Sitting in that dinning room day after week was really getting to me. Constantly reaching out to the elders. How nice to have them reach out to me and pull me up out of my self absorbed hole that my foot had slipped into.

Home two more days. For now it is almost time to go down to ti chi wheel chair style. I try real hard to go to activity time, It is good to get out of the room. Going somewhere other than therapy where pain is not the expected. That pain however is a friend to freedom of moving and flexation.

I cant keep my eyes open
be reminded of the beauty surrounding you
my little family here really set sail to me for Saturday

eight hour

waking this morning and hinting the call button I was not sure if it was time for pain meds or not. my leg felt calm (at least until I walked on it). I sat back in bet and just wondered. at the lack of pain. Perhaps the time was not elapsed. Moving my leg still left me slightly puzzled.
So I got up and used the little four wheeled walker to get to the commode. all most there the nurse came in. Startling her I turned around to set back at the bed to take morning medication. A ritual of the day in and day out. She exclaimed how stunned and amazed she was at how well I did. Still unaware why she exclaimed 'you went 8 hours!' I skipped a whole pain medication dose and just slept through it. Walking back to the commode and sitting a few moments in a chair I now feel it. however only mild to moderate pain. This is a huge mile stone.

Yesterday while sitting in the dining room the whole place really just got to me. behind me were stroke, and hand fed elders. Before me table after table of elders that stare at me all lunch long. I smile and wave and try every day to liven up the room. Yesterday it all just got to much, Day after day the constant piano that plays cd's it plays the same songs every meal. I am worn. we who at house sit together and now all those facing three times a day staring at me. utterly tortured of loneliness. I just could not take anymore. I wheeled out like a mad man sanity slight. No one seems to understand it. Oh I am so worn of it. How terribly must the be. My pain medication is kicking in and every sentence is met with me dozing off before the punctuation is met. I gotta stop.

The photographer caught this special moment, what a privilege to see.

Reminds me of Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

good day today

Thank you Lisa for the books and lotion. It was fun to get a package.

Today with a great deal of hard effort not only did I walk with the four wheel walker, then with a cane. I also walked a little with just the belt that the pt used to hold onto me

I sleep now have a lot of hard work tomorrow.

going home on Saturday
Pain control and good rest with lots of icing

peace be with all of you goodnight.

thank you all for your prayer.

home

never ever underestimate the power of 'HOME'.
Yesterday's release from the asylum...i mean in patient nursing home. It is a place where the $ rules with the heartlessness of a nail. Hammered into every employee as well as the patients who happen to fall into the coffin of financial red tape and silencing tactics. All this another day for I have work to do on behalf of the elders who are but silently mercilessly at the hand of corporate gain. As the system of errors cause excellent nursing staff to just watch and try in vane to get above the system of neglect. This is only attained by the passionate saged employee. I will also speak of them another day.

Today I am home!
It was that again the night before I left that they once again neglected to have pain medication for it ran out! This at 10:30 when I requested it I was offered a tramidol a mild arthritis medication. I was due at 9:30. I was told it was ordered at 8pm because the MD did not arrive. Mind you once a better nurse ordered it far sooner as to avoid this. Steve filled a script at midnight and came to give it to me. By that time I was in a real bad hurt once again.  The nurse walks in 5 minutes later with two pills, Now the other nurse said that they had not to give me that were my dose? Where did these come from? "the pharmacy sent them stat? Ok ordered at 8pm stat given at 12:30 am?

Did I say I AM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We arrived around noon.

a few hours at home

Hello my loves, my friends and family
After much fuss the powers that be all agreed to let me go home for 7 hours to have infusion.
It went well. Dove who had been ill kept distance, unannounced to me daddy man had told her to do so to protect me. Poor girl. All went well. Only half the movie watched however us three adults covered the necessary physical needs for when I do get to go home next Saturday.
Spent the afternoon home, then later here at the rehab.
Slept most yesterday and slept in today. Had the best lunch.. I made favor with the young weekend cook and he really had blossomed. told him the eye eats as well as the mouth. The plates come out much quicker that way for others. Often I am given the most favor of all. Pointing out the needs of the elders has me in favor of them as well. Strange as they never speak out for themselves. The social study of cast be it patient/cna/nurse and such is no less issue in a nursing home. i am an odd ball. Loved by the staff and the other patients and residents dismissed/despised by the higher ups.
I find it hard to stay awake long when I type, or at most other times as well.
My leg is healing, only six more days here so gotta work hard. Getting home will be an adventure.