May your heart beat faster!

What do you love?

What is it that just makes your heart beat faster?

Now , now girls I speak of the gifts and talents that you have developed.

When you think of an activity or project, what makes you thrive?

On this Valentines day

my wish for you is a time of thriving in something that enriches your day.

Friday I got a feather in my bonnet...no not from the chickens.

From my new bead catalog. This issue is perhaps the 4th year copy I have. so I cut up the old ones. Using a mat cutter and exacto knives.

Every time this thing comes I sit and turn pages and my heart races with the beauty and creativity of it all. The majesty of all the natural stones and elements created for our pleasure.

 click to enlarge images

Over the weekend the pleasure that has enveloped my heart was begun a listing of all of the gem stones. Then it also turned into a collage of ideas for necklaces (it is sideways). Another is in the works for earrings and bracelets.

Best get to bed, I have had so much fun time got away from me.

This will hang over the beading area. I made it 3D on purpose.

Love your day for it is a gift, that's why it is called the present.

Bet you can tell I'm feeling better :)

Mommy stock rises!

Several of the girls in Doves grade had decided to throw one of the girls little sister a surprise party at the park.
Now I had no knowledge of this until Dove asked if she could go to the park. I had saw myself taking her to the park in a dream last night so I immediately said yes..
In a few minutes she received a call from a child I did not recognize so I listened in. The conversation was over a cake that need to be baked because one was ruined. It was then that I recieved the full story that Dove had forgotten to tell me about dure to the busy weekend.
The girl had made a cake that her step father had cut into unknowingly.
I met the girls at the park curb, fixed the cake and took them to the park. Oh did I score!
I am SO COOL! they said so.

I made my daughter proud.

ivig in new port

hi
infusion went real well. so much less drama and pain not having to poke my arms. It is so much better!
i was too dehydrated however and been with nasty head ache with the old wet noodle weak effect. Right after the infusion I had a good hour of the ol' Popeye effect. (strong man cartoon of my youth). He would eat his spinach and become invincible. Tomorrow is another day.
I am making a collage if elements of gemstones. It is so fun.
Sewing a quilt, a dress for me and one for Dove. That and all the too many tasks that accumulated at months end due to the ivig wearing off after a month with just too many stressed day with the surgery . I look forward to this next month.

I learned that it take approximately 50 units of donated blood to make up one of my gamma globulin infusions.
one person can not donate more than 2 units at a time but that is very uncommon.

now I only use the white cells yet even so...that is so amazing to me.

My nurse is so awesome! As is my little family. We had an extra child today so the house was a bit too noisy. All in all I did well. The kids were entertained with each other. Pray for this little kid she is in the dragons net. This is her safe house. I told her so today that if she ever needed a place to live we are here.
At one point she walk through the room I was in and said ' I love you Mrs. U.' It was so sweet touched me with her deep sincerity.
Well my head is propped up and so it is time to just bless ya all. Good night.

Primary Immune National Conference

click on title for more information

Today in an icepack chilled box came the gift of life to me. It is wrought by many who were so selfless as to donate the Blood to create it. I found myself holding it up to my heart; the bag of ivig solution. A washed blend of many who together spun for me a healthy chance for life.

It has several times been pointed out to me how expensive it will be to keep me alive if we should or when we might choose to have Steve retire. Every time this falls upon my ear it stings my heart. Being able to share that pain tonight with my Beloved Sweet Husband brought me to weep. Wept I for any inference that my life be simply measured by the dollar sign. I have at times done my best to save face by responding...

'If we run out of funding I will simply stop the IVIG and pass away as God designs'.

How angry after that I became. 

That is before my eyes without anyone bringing it up.

God is our provision. Trusting HIM for my life and my death is our choice. He has NEVER failed us in that. My husband would never ever even imply such a statement to me. He knows how to guard heart. It is also for me to guard heart. Stress is a huge enemy not only to my spirit and soul but even more so to my body.  I will avoid as much of it as possible.

For today and tomorrow, I will hold that bag of gold without the guilt of any one thinking my treatment, my life...is to expensive to keep. Or may someday be so. The many many people who donated their blood to keep me and others alive did not think so. Neither will I. I will embrace that IV bag as I would those who gave the gift of donated blood. 

This will be a new day where I will no longer feel guilty for needing IVIG.

I learned of this conference in June. Perhaps we might be able to attend. It would be good to be with like minded and learn as much as I can about all of the process of living a healthy life with a primary immune disorder. The conference will even have a lecture on the very type I have. No IgA.

IDF 2011 National Conference

It will be held here in Phoenix June 2011

Easy Online Registration Available NOW!

for adults

the lower one is for kids and babies

Pandora Radio

If you have not heard of this app you may want to look into it. How wonderful to have music of your venue stream over your computer for free.

Hope your all having a great day. Me... I have so many things my mind is overwhelmed.

Tomorrow is infusion day...liquid life :)

This cute table was at a curb.

friday funnies

opps

field trips

We first went to the mineral musuem no photos were taken
 there however. We each had 8 kids to tend too. It was really fun. Steve had Dash and his buddies.

 My sweet son is in 4th grade. This is most likely the last year for field trips with him. Steve was able to take the morning off so we went together with the class. She only had one other parent so it was a wonderful thing for her.

 This is the historical original house of representatives.

 I just loved the old radiator. Things are just not made like this here.

 The upper gallery had all the portraits of the speaker of the house year after year.

 The kids are looking at the USS Arizona. It went down at Pearl Harbor. The start of WW2.

 These were items from the ship

At the state capital we were able to go over to see the legislative branch. The real one. No representatives were there however it was lunch time for them.

Dash's quilt

busy fingers with needle and thread. Hope everyone has a great day!

Marriage Monday My Testamony

My Testimony

I was the illegitimate ( learned in my twenties) , last child, of eight born, into the generational curse of white supremacy, bigotry and worship in darkness. It was the intimacy of torture that caused me to meet Gods angles when I was a very young child. On the alter of those who worshiped Satan lay my body. My parents drunken nearby at a lodge fire. My parents had gotten themselves mixed up in a cult. Perhaps unwittingly.Gods angles came and took my spirit to the forest places. It was there that I first knew love and safety. For God caused me to be free from the body that those who were workers of darkness were all but destroying. Abuse unparalleled was my existence with no human rescuer. Were it not for the forest angle and many other spiritual servants of God who kept me strangely dis-connected when it was necessary I would have gone mad. They were my friends. You see, I was as a child under the authority of those who in their own free will chose death.  They choose to worship in the darkness and pursue the wicked gain . They were blinded by the perverse lie they had believed. 

Yet I was chosen by Him to survive. Because I had known his name. And I called upon Him. I don’t know just how I knew his name when I  was so little. But somehow someone, even perhaps He Himself introduced me.

 Psalm 91;

I turned 20 with a bible in hand, in danger, and psalm 91 in my heart. Suicide was my morning mission if this failed me. That day a woman named Leslie came and gave me an avocado. She feed my starving body then, she fed my spirit.  She lay an open bible upon my lap it was opened to the reference of John 3;16 “For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten son that whoever would believe upon him would not perish but have everlasting life. 
She feed my belly then my spirit. I said "I believe that"

 Many events happened in that next two weeks of my life. The most significant was a literal battle over my soul. After several hours of  war between the heavenlys' God said it is finished she is mine you can’t have her.  I have a purpose for her she is mine. My body had raised men who were holding it down.  It had flailed on stone and no bruise had been left. I am His!

The next several years had included most significantly a prayer that all I wanted was a home of my own and a man that loved God. I have now been with that devoted man for twenty nine years. The first 10 years were spent in a recovery that baffled even the most of experienced of medical professionals. I have undergone vaginal, abdominal, rectal, nasal, dental and inner ear reconstruction’s. My mind has become whole with only some small effects left by three small shirring tears in the inner brain tissue. This in itself is very rare for those who have know such violence and darkness. Many medical professionals have given God the credit for the amazing results they have witnessed. My recovery culminated in the telling of the murder I witnessed. As another witness had notified the police in that town of the same event. We were both kids at the time of the murder. She had told only a week or so prior.

After seven years of rest we decided to begin our family. A dream I could not hold onto hope for. My faith that His will be done gave me the vision to pursue an adoption I was very  extensively examined and found to be totally recovered having proven all phases of restoration. We were honored by the judge with our certification to adopt any child. . Our certification to adopt was an acknowledgment of a job well done. We adopted two internationally kids. One in 1997 the other in 2001.

It took a tenacity that is a gift given to me to keep my promise that someday I would tell on them for what they were doing.. A promise that helped me survive and more than that, to overcome. In my last hospitalization I was given by God a song that helped me through some of the darkest of memories to be exposed.

<Song> For we’ve been made more than conquers through the blood of Jesus Christ, So hold on were getting stronger every day.  There is no need for you to run away.  Brother’s and sister’s well now the time for prayer cause don’t you know the battles all been won. For Jesus said there would be tribulation and He said that I have overcome.

I kept my promise. When I was surviving those dark days I swore that I would tell on them as they drugged me, also “if I don’t let them make me like them, and if I don’t let them make me crazy, I will give myself a life some day I promised." Through Gods divine mercy and grace I am alive and that promise was kept. I am loved. I am His.  He is mine. I have known His love and I am profoundly grateful that He chose me before the very foundations of time.

The experiences I have known were not Gods fault, as to blame Him.  I was under the authority of those who did not know him. I had the privilege of knowing evil with intimacy yet seeing righteousness and Love prevail. This privilege has afforded me many gifts talents and insights. I have intimately known the profound depth of Gods love.

          I am reassured each morning with the gentle kiss on my forehead as my dear husband tinder’s me. The times are few now that I fall into the memory of those days in my dreams. I awake each morning to Gods very real presence, with a flush of joy as my son says good morning and my daughter wakes for the day. As I open my eyes I see a palace where the peace of Christ abides with utter abundance.

Through the years the medical issues have been more than a challenge. The last few days I have even needed to remember who I am. Yet through it all His loving me is sustaining me. I am tired and I am wherry but try with all my being not to become worn out. 
When my eyes become clouded with the way others may see me it is time to wipe my glasses and try to refocus. I grieve at the mass imperfections of the difference between reality and the visions that kept me going. Everything has its season. Reality is yet another curve in the path. One to come to terms with. Yet He has kept me living.
Coming out of it all with P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) and recently diagnosed with a rare gamma globulin immune disorder CVID common variable immuno-globulin deficiency. It may either be a hereditary (found mainly now in children in this generation).
given the level of stress issues it is no wonder that my immune system well needs sustenance. That comes by way of IVIG infusions every four weeks. My body is getting older now.

woo hoo shoulder impingment is improved

I am getting my arm back! The cortisone is making a difference.
Slow day here Dove stayed home from school today, Dash and her are playing. Steve is working late again. A huge event happening tomorrow and the task must be done before he can leave.

Tomorrow is Steve's birthday and he may have to work if he gets called in. We are doing all we are able to attend a nice time with his folks. That is a priority this weekend.

The job just got completed it is now 7pm my guy just called. He is so tired.
hope all of you have a terrific weekend!

Shoulder shot today

got Dove to the school, got home, Dash to the bus stop.
The day was a rest for an hour, then the mad rush came.
I called my former physical therapist to get a referral for someone who could help with my shoulder. It is just getting so bad. He told me that the specialist who works my knees is one of the best he knew.
Putting in a call, Brenda the office assistant asked 'can you be here in ten minutes'?
I got there in a rush. The surgeon was going on vacation in the morning. He thinks it is bursitis/impinged joint. He gave me a shot with a three inch needle in the shoulder of cortisone. OCH!

Left and went to my 11:30 appointment arrived with 5 minutes! We are going to up the stress medication during this time of increased physical pain. He thinks that the stress is hitting high due to the physical endurance.

Kids got home and we left straight away to get our allergy shots.Dove hurt me twice. she does not mean to she just forgets herself. It might be a type of reaction with the RAD. It really left me hurting. She play slapped me in my shoulder. She also hugged me so tight there that I almost began to cry. It is so hard to have special needs kids when they hurt me. I get real tired of there sensory stuff can cause me a real injury and does more often than folks might understand.

An xray of shoulder and knees to be done tomorrow. Knee shots week after next. Pain lets you know your alive. :}
An evening of rest.

Ice hits Mesa Arizona!

Breaking News!

This Morning we hit the streets early only to find this!

Ice! 

Mercy! :)

(you know it is the BIG story in town)

It is cold for Arizona however. Dove had choir rehearsal and had to be at the school at 7:15 a.m.

Say 'too cold!'

I actually have my Russia clothing on. Well I had to peal some of it off now that I am back home and Dash has caught the bus. I think it was 22-28* out there. For here that is VERY cold.

I use pun in all of this with all of you dear Easterners in the freeze. Goodness it is chilly. 

Yesterday all the wild bird feeders were filled. I was thinking of making them a peanut butter ball.  We have the migratory birds here now. They are stunned I'm sure.

With blankets over the coop the chickens have a light under the perch floor to warm them. It looks like most of the garden survived.

 The Garden and flowers were also blanketed. Looks like almost everything survived.

 The seed broccoli (for seed harvest) on the right took a hit.

 The wind blew the cover off of this but it seems to like the cold.

 Liking the cold is the sweet asylum. 

The self seeded tomato is surviving for the most part.

Everything in front is doing well. 

I am stunned that the poppy is alright.

This has been a wonderful week so far.

Dash was home 'sick' (me thinks I was played) on Tuesday. Even so kids are kids and remembering what it was like when we were kids helped me not to take it personally. Steve was a real support in this the one day that my Sister and I were to get together to sew.It had to be postponed. I think that it may have had to do with the security stuff. Mom was not going to be at the house. Not sure about that but I have a hunch. That or it may have been that Monday he needed to use his inhaler at school. With Steve being ill over the weekend I did not want to chance it.

Yesterday however the stuffed animals went to school...this to help the transition me thinks. It is so wonderful to see them 'self help'.
Note they placed them right by my chair.
They even have their AR books (to take their test), and back packs.
That was complete with baby talk.
Then everything was alright and school was an accepted part of the morning. His whining stopped after this. So amazing even after all these years that security is such a wound for Dash.

 My sewing room is all packed up to go to my Sisters tomorrow. We are drafting a pants pattern for a seminar she is giving in a couple of weeks. I will be assisting her as her 'dummy' HA! She is going to aid me in a dress that I am working on.

The neighbor left more fruit. Citrus will last two weeks chilled. The garage will do it. Cold out there like the refrigerator.

 A few of the little touches that have given me the pleasures of a home better decorated.

'Mom can you make my hair brown for ever?'

How sweet and simple the world is to my darlin' daughter. She was very bummed to find out that it was temporary. Oh in case you don't know we died her hair brown just like mine. It was very important to her heart. I believe it is about a since of belonging. It was a long standing decision and then god dealt with me until I bent into what his design was for the event. She wants to look like 'mom'.

What do you Believe about your cash?

So Dash had his question of the morning...

What does cold hard cash mean mom?
 

The phrase "cold hard cash" was coined by merchants  who were used to handling coins that, because they had a high gold and silver content, were warm and soft and did not wear very well. When more durable metals came into use it was generally noticed that they were cold and hard. In the cut and thrust of commerce a lot of transactions rely on the use of cheques (checks) and various forms of credit. Where these are not favored the phrase "cold hard cash" applies to both coins and notes which are immediately available, or ready, as a form of payment.

Do your kids offer you so many many questions on life?

My days are so full of opportunities to really think about what I believe and why.

Asking for what we need...

For a good 6 months or so we have been looking into replacing the dish racks in our dishwasher. The machine itself is still in good working order. Thanks to the repair work my Darlin' does on it from time to time. We looked into purchasing them $300 for both of them. New dishwasher? Did not like what is on the market. This machine still works well. The newer stuff is now so much poorer quality. 

This one was chosen just for that reason it is well built.

Keeping an eye on Craigs list as I do daily I came upon an old back one that needed a new computer board. It was used by a couple with no kids. We took some images of the inside.

 Ours is the same maker as the free one. So we took a VERY long drive to our old stomping grounds. Where we first met. Not even three blocks from the church. It was so neat to show the kids.

 We were able to replace both of the spin things and the racks. The bottom spin thing on ours Steve repaired but the part was so hard to find that he just made one. Now the one off the free machine will replace this one.

By the way it worked great!
They were free, and we have extra replacement parts for repairs too.

Resting when your ill is so important to give our body a fighting chance.
Resting is so important for our bodies.

Steve was sick all weekend. He slept from 1-5pm on Saturday and then through the night. We had an extra kid Saturday. thankfully he is well today.
That kept me busy baking cookies with the girls. The quilt top is finished, love it. My corners matched so beautifully.

Sunday morn we awoke to Dash giving us both breakfast in bed. We were so touched by his kindness. Kindness heals.
As my sweetheart rested most of the morning I ground coffee, made pinto beans into re-fry beans (blender style, cleaned the kitchen and so on. By late afternoon he was well enough to take the drive to get the dishwasher.

Every day we use O.J.  I am always looking for the best price on it. Recently I asked God for a good deal on juice. I try to keep enough for my husbands morning juice. This means often that I have to tell Dash no when he wants some. That really bothers me.
Well...
Dash and I juiced a full tree full of oranges from the neighbor. We come out a good three gallons. After a full evening of events. He helped so much.
Another two baskets of grapefruit and oranges on the fence post greeted me this morning.

Earlier at supper he was wanting to help. I had gone into the garage a moment, upon entering the kitchen to see his little hand using the mandolin to cut cucumbers! I grabbed his hand in time. No injury to him but it really scared me!
It was so important to hear his heart.

When it was his shower time he told me how much he wants to help. We spoke about learning how to first, many others things too. It was very sweet. He wants to be helpful and just felt real bad that he did not know how he could help. He did not want to do it wrong and felt defeated. It was so good to listen and make more chances for him to help.

Lunch meat being so expensive a slicer was an answer to prayer some time back.
I used my meat slicer and cut up a turkey breast smoked and roasted for lunch meat this week. We need to have lunch meat for homemade lunches. When those fresh turkeys that came my way after Christmas were cut up and put up into freezer it set us well.

I asked for lunch meat. The fresh (not frozen) turkeys were able to be cut down so large breast could be used as cut meat once roasted.

Today is a cloudy day, just beautiful!

The sky is just black to the west of me with the sun beaming through the eastern side against the yard walls. The dance of shadow and light is picturesque.

Staying home is a joy. So many things to tend to. My pups at my feet the chickens just outside the window, a quilt to sew and taxes to do. Wild birds on the feeder near my shoulder. Friends to pray for and weep over. Loving is a hard but beautiful thing. Loving is also so imperfect and fragile. This humanity thing a challenge for mistakes are inevitable.

How I wish well for each of you.

Thinking of you LISA B., your on my mind this morning. I hope your day is awesome.

Shorty Bear, love you too. I will try to send you a nice note later this morning.

Denise I hope that Oklahoma weather is treating you well. I am doing good hun. A little issue with that stitch in my chest it is coming out . The wicking of bacteria concerns me for infection. The Doc. said I may have to go back and have it cut again. One day it will dislodge inside me then the outer part will pull out the rest of the way. However my chest site of port is now not tender any  longer. My shoulder is still a real issue just really painful to lift my arm in certain ways.

To all of you a great day.

Do you see your days as full of opportunities to really think about what you believe and why?

If so please tell us about it. 

We ask and receive believing that it is better than just going out to acquire by spending my cold hard cash. By avoiding the quest to buy new we have more time to rest. We rest in expecting to see the provisions come our way. It is a life of expectancy not because we think we deserve it. Because we know HE loves us.

Steelers Quilt for Dash

 Hello
this is what I have been up to. Dash needs a new quilt. this was begun around Christmas and set aside. His Birthday is in March, but he needs a new quilt now. The one I made him several years back is a tattered cloth. The other day he was mouthing off a bit to me. Later that evening once we made it home I showed him the lay out on the cutting table. He was very quiet while I finished making supper. I heard Dove say "are you ok?, Why are you crying?" to him.
After he saw it he was so touched that it moved him into tears.
The Steelers fabric is in the dryer it will be the backing.

 With one more row to stitch I just had to attach two of them to see how it was going to look. My efforts are very careful to match up the corners. The black is as an oil slick. The black has the nap of the fabric varied to give it a motion visually.

FYI>>>>
On April 27, 2009, amid ongoing financial problems and restructuring efforts, GM announced it would discontinue the Pontiac brand by the end of 2010 and focus on four core brands in North America: Chevrolet, Cadillac, Buick, and GMC. The last Pontiacs were built in late 2009, with the final dealer franchises expiring October 31, 2010.

This is what I am up to.

The sewing studio has been organized a bit better. Note the old 1957 pfaff is on the floor. I am moving on up to the new machine. It really is a nice machine, took me awhile to attach to it after all these years on the pfaff.
All went pretty well at the hospital. VERY painfully they 'pulled' the internal suture out, it had to then be snipped. He said that there is a possibility that it might happen again and that this would need to be repeated. I was only two minutes of intence pain so they did not numb it. I was shaking for a few hours afterward.
It did not stop me from having a great attitude and a wonderful afternoon taking the kids to the park near the school. We three then went to the book store where Dove spent her earnings. Target next where Dash spent his. Home and hearth was a nice stop of the day.
Hope you all have a nice week end

Another complication with my port!

click to enlarge image

Today a good week and a half or so out a little white 'piece of skin', or so I thought. It was bothering me so gently I used a tweezers to remove it. Just imagine my horror to see (and feel) that it was a heavy gauge stitch. It cinched inside and now is very tender. The nurse at the hospital called back and I have to go back yet again to the city and have it snipped and the opening glued. No need to fast or have any antithetic for it. Infection is a very real threat due to the CVIG low IgA levels bacteria is dangerous. Now perhaps this thing will heal! No wonder...but then again 'it shouldn't' (yes that is sarcasm). "it just happens sometimes..." drat!

IRS Processing Delays

Due to Congress passing new tax laws late in 2010.

If you are an early filer you will have to delay until mid-February

This will apply to you if...

1. You Itemize

2. You take the Educator expense

3. if you take the tuition deduction.

They apologetically say that they need time to update their systems with the new laws. 

$$$$ REALLY $$$$

?

Think about it...with the tight times that folks are having more will choose to just take the standard deduction out of expediency. Cash is in desperate need by so many Americans that the IRS will enjoy the benefit of the people who are so very desperate, not wanting or able to delay refunds.

Now I itemize, had I not gone on U-tube to further my education I would not have known this. Now I must wait another 3 weeks before I can mail it in. To me this is all but criminal. The IRS will gain not only interest on my money but they will also have scores of people letting go of what is rightfully due to them through itemization. Desperate people take desperate measures. I suppose that can be also said of the IRS.

How did God get 'out there'...He asked

With my child looking to me to explained, this is how my heart expressed my thoughts on it.

He listened silently
I believe that God is not 'out there' that heaven is not 'out there', it is right here. Within our midst. The kingdom of heaven is 'at hand'. We are as within a wheel within a wheel. When we are here on this plane we have the ability to allow 'light' God is The Light, The Truth and The Way into our rheum.
The light is around and within this wheel if we so desire, so choose to open up the barriers that separate us from it. When I thin the line that delineates the two (light and dark) light prevails.
Taking the kids into the dark pantry I lit a lighter once the darkness had been established by closing the door. The darkness could not remain in the light. When the light is there LOVE is there. When we shut ourselves up into the dark we remove our self of that light present, that love there wishes to illuminate.
They know that they have the power to illuminate the lives around them as well. That light will cast away the darkness that the WILL encounter.

Living illuminated in that light is heaven at hand

removing the light is hell

Hell is not some place in the magma, it is absence from the light. The Love. Absent from truth. Lost along the way. We become dead men walking.

It is the light that illuminates our way. It is for us to fight the barrier the withdraw from the light.

God is here as is heaven just beyond that vial that separates us. That Vail rent is accessible when we believe that the man God (Christ Jesus)  walked among us. We just make it all far too complicated.

There was a sparrow in the chicken coop. I thought long about my explanation to my son. In my spirit a choice to thin the line occurred. Opening the door I willed that sparrow out. wondering if that light could prevail over that little frightened bird before it hurt or exhausted itself. It came to that light and flew out.

Again the next day it was that my Son saw another sparrow flailing itself in the coop. He attempted to enter and catch it. Calling him out and aside again willing that light the sparrow came to me.

 This gave me great pause. 

I am remembering who I was before the religion. Before the 'churchianity' enforced a delineation through rules. Fears over displeasing God by doing 'it' wrong laid in varied regulations set up by men who have become bias through limiting understanding and wisdom.

Heaven is here at hand, Hell is also here at hand.
Even in our worst prisons the harshest punishment is isolation. Separation from that Light, Love that friendship with Divine

With many pulled away under the shell of self preservation light fights to find a way through. It is there that way. It is only in our will, our choice to risk letting the light illuminate us. Showing us where we are really needing illumination on our path.

Religion can leave a person afraid to even place one foot in front of the other. For fear of doing 'it' wrong. Light catches us if we trip, stumble even when we fall. Light comes into lives showing the health to our spirit, soul and bones. Light erases the delineation to where we are one in His Body and no matter the coarse of our body here in this rheum we are more than what the eye can see.

Exercising this enlightenment this week has caused many Holy things to occur.

Children are so good for our old minds.
Last night without sleep these things filled my mind. Great care was encompassing me over my dear daughters special needs and future. It was at that moment I saw it. Oh how distracted I have been with the concern over the darkness regarding her safety, her future. I willed at that moment...Light. In an instant the release was profound.
Now I have been playing with this, willing light at every given opportunity.
As Sleep wrapped me in the dawn I saw a vision of the chickens in the coop. They are captive there. To keep them safe from the hawks. To protect the crops so the chickens don't eat them up. However they are egg laying machines...no longer chickens. Chickens scratch and roam. I have kept them. Kept them 'safe' from harm by not allowing them risk.
Today while harvesting oranges I opened the coop door and willed these well trained birds out of the coop. They were not too pretty sure of it but one by one they came out and began to be 'chickens' picking and such. They kept under the canopy and near me. Up and down the ladder watching to see that they did not get into harm. When I was done sitting on the bench, saying nothing I willed them back into the coop. They walked into it and I shut the door. We were each content. I was however convicted of living in fear.

My children have been kept. Through fear they too have become as prisoners in a way. All in the name of protection. At nine and thirteen they must become able to know that they can be successful. How clever God is at giving them the room to do so. I saw myself letting loose (not free of) the cords that hold them fast.

When the kids came home Dash desired to ride his skate board. Instructed to gear up to do so. To their surprise I offered to take them over to the park by the grade school. There are so many unattended kids it would just blow your mind.

Dash said 'mom it is mothers like you who make it real hard to fit in'...Looking at him I heard his heart. 

This was my compromise. Once bike and board were unloaded they were allowed to go with friends to the school just across the street. I sat in the pickup and embroidered. They soon came across to a known child's house. Then over to the park. All the while I kept invisible. They would come by the truck now and then. After two hours I backed the truck up and pulled up to them as if I had just arrived. They were also allowed to sit in the bed of the truck there and back.

Now this all blew my husbands mind...me living light (no fret) and in the light.

While at the park 20-30 unattended teens were blanketed in the 'light' as I willed it to them. 

Being who I am created to be as I do what needs be done.

 Saturday Morning we were woke up by Dash giving us a wrapped gift. Little did we know that this kid decided to use his earnings to purchase us a gift at a yard sale. HE LEFT THE HOUSE! went down to his buddies house to a sale.
Although the thought was wonderful he has been told to NEVER leave the house without telling us and getting our ok. He walks me to the front door, there was a note on the painting saying where he was.
Had to hand it to him for that. :) still do not want him to repeat it

 An exercise program is underway through this guide.

 It speaks about cemetery and balance.

Hope you all have had a great day. The tasks at hand are occupying me today. It is such a joy to be able to be who I am. Being a keeper of marriage, children and home is my dream come true.
The last two post were rather impersonal. Oh so distracted and set to the priority of duty.
The kids are thriving with the mission of competency. Oh they feel so good about themselves  learning more independence. With the compensation (used instead if allowance) they are beginning to see the rewards of due diligence. they are even talking amongst themselves of saving the earning to gain larger goals! LOVE IT!
If I forgot to mention dash has been voted again by his peers to represent his class in student council. He begins chess club next week. He and Steve take time every night to play. Dash even taught me the game.
Dove is in choir, she tried out for honors choir but did not get in. She tried out though and that was so awesome. The courage was remarkable.
Steve is enjoying the honor he received at work as a senior staff. It is wonderful to see the dignity and poise. He has earned this place in life.
We are grieving the losses to a life long friend and his family who are in the process of loosing all. So the weekend was spent helping them to get as many belongings out of house before the doors are locked in foreclosure. Sad sad thing.
My neighbor behind us reached out to me yesterday and offered us all of the juicing oranges on her tree!
When they moved in I spoke up over the back wall and welcomed them. How wonderful it is to live in peace with our neighbors.
Steve drinks orange juice every morning as would Dash if able to afford it, well now I can juice all winter and spring. It is so sweet!

 With catching up on chores I have even been able to cut out two dresses for myself
YES! me sewing again

With the dresses two necklaces have been laid out. It really feels nice to take better self care. The port is beginning to heal, my shoulder is softening as well.  I am initiating an exercise program based on this book.

things have changed in my life drastically. It's all good too. Getting used to this thing in my chest. The limits it enforces as well. As any foreign object in our bodies antibiotics must now be used for the simplest things as in a cavity filled. That is something I did not foresee. That being said dental and knee injections will be scheduled soon. That way fewer antibiotics will be needed. My knees lasted a good 6 months.
With my sisters knee replacement coming up here soon my timing must get under consideration. Her daughter will be here a few weeks to help, but after she goes it is my hope to be available to assist her.
so I must prepare.

It is a loss to me to not be able to serve at the elementary. With Dash pretty disappointed it is so hard not to be tempted to go. Perhaps after the infusions for the first few days I could go, but it is still a risk.


Post Script.
Just got the kids to bed and sat down Steve just walked into the house from helping his friend move again all evening. The kids and i watched a movie together and had some nice sofa time.
This afternoon Dove had her medication check appointment. They performed some partial testing. The concern about her abilities to function at the Jr high has come into focus now. We left with a prescription for the public school to retest her. I do not know if they will for the three year rule may not have been met. If we do it at the Psychiatrist office it will be $800 not covered by insurance.  We do not really think it will make a difference to our decision to try to keep her main stream if possible. HEr heart is so important here. She must know that she can accomplish what she sets out to do to the best of her ability.

Well peace to all of you.

My children I am so proud of you both.

Taxes January's Project

Yes all day yesterday documents were sorted into recipes, mileage as well for all medical.

A spread sheet with all the deductions set to totals

Charity

medical bills/co pays/pharmacy co-pays/non Rx medical

list all doctors then the find out the mileage to get there and back. Run a tick of how many visits each and compute the totals of mileage. Do this while sorting the bills. Use the instructions in the book and add it to your medical deductions.

medical insurance costs on pay stubs

dental bills/co-pays

dental insurance

vision insurance

home interest paid

property taxes

dog licenses

vehicle registrations

This done one can quickly tell if itemizing deductions will be worth it.
By running a spread sheet in excel as a part of your monthly budget this can be done quickly. Then a listing of all bills that have been sorted into months can be cross checked to see it anything was missed. At this time the hard copies are filed into the years receipts in monthly order.

Next the income
income interest

Federals to be done first

It's all good

Just returned from the city. They did an iv contrast through the port and all is as it should be. They did an hour iv drip antibiotic for good measure. Ultra sound confirmed no clot my in neck. My body is being fussy about the cath and port, nerves on my clavicle are bothering my shoulder. Just have to live with that pain or have the port removed. Not what I would want to do.

Wonderful day to ya all.

One day this will not even be much of a topic.
What a nice day that will be

Steve stopped and got me a pomegranate/blueberry smoothy yum
just chillin' :)

Because WE LOVE HIM Psalm 91

sitting here the thought that fills me is 'what can you do'? I mean really. In life the real thing any of us has power over. We plan.
Yet is is only in the willingness to embrace loving God that our personal choice takes shape.
There will be trials in every life. There will be opportunities to overcome by embarrassing the Love that surrounds us, and if we receive it it fills us.

Because we love him.
Because I love Him.

We received a call this evening to confirm the appointment to go down to Good Samaritan Hospital and see the surgeon who did the port. Now we had made this appointment knowing the visit would take place. Knowing that I love HIM knowing that HE loves me.
We have been instructed that I will need to fast tonight, throughout the morning. There is  a possibility that the port is malfunctioning a slim chance that they might need to replace it. A chance that a simple aspiration my need to be preformed. HE LOVES ME.

Do I believe that? YES I do.

Is it in my power that I can choose to trust that love that surrounds me. Yes it is. After supper my big thick comforter surrounded me. I lay on the bed and curled up in it and slept a while. Blocking out every distraction. Every sensory bombardment. Embracing only the stillness that will keep me in that glow. Keeping the edges of my humanity supple and welcoming of said light. Trusting by choice, resting the outward man to abide in the Holy, the spirit.

If you think of me bid me that light fill every dark corner of me. I thank that loving light, that intimate friendship with my God in whom I trust. No evil will befall me. What will I say of Him, my God and my fortress...He is the light that comes into me. With everything in my being the opening up and receiving the glow of that warmth cold disperses. Everything else is a mute point. 'I am OK, Everything faced will be alright. I choose to believe this NO MATTER what the day brings. I know that it is not about me. It is about the flow of that light. It is not about us when those thing common to our mortal state challenge our resolve. Stand let nothing distract you from the love of God.

Rejoice with me. That this Love surrounds me. Delight with me that I know this as my skin is holding me in. In Your sending the warmth of your Love for HIM my way... prayer. It leaves me in good company.

Love to all of you. I'll let you know the Good news tomorrow. Oh I just did. This is the Good news that I love Him, his presence. His loving kindness that surrounds me GOOD NEWS.

CVIG Port IV complications

Oh life
life is holy, and it is not about us. It is all about a greater story that encompasses what our little line and chapter tells. In this novel was the beginning and one day shall be the end.
Sunday's little verse held a long visit to the ER.
Saturday I had my 6 hour infusion. It was so easy, one little stick. Six hours of dignity. No one standing by the bathroom door watching over me. No pained arms and stressed spirit. The port was an awesome liberating gift. It still is.

However... Saturday night my neck began to swell. Pained it scared me a bit. Trusting all was just going to be alright I laid down to bed. I awoke with palpitations. Startled me awake. It really hurt on the side of my neck where the swelling was larger. We watched it overnight (I know stubborn, I did not want to call an ambulance) we had another child for a sleep over. I was not going to drive myself. Sunday morning still pained and less swollen I called the surgeons number. Being Sunday the nurse told me to get to an ER. She had concern of infiltration or clot. I did so choosing to travel up north to the better hospital. I arrived at 1p.m. To my utter glee there was actually a parking space in the tiny lot near the ER door. Tinny spot too between two huge trucks. Having the car my spirit swelled into a smile getting my Honda into the postage stamp within the lines. Being able to squeeze out of the door.
there was a stand with masks and I quickly grabbed one (it stayed on the whole time). Within two minutes someone from behind the counter came around to me. She asked my reason and filled a paper. I sat away from others. VERY shortly after a nurse took me to triage. The first woman came back around and was told to take me to a room. THAT FAST! I floated into the light of love. Being so well cared for . They took me to a room (not a curtain a room) with another woman on the other side of a curtain. She was ill as in viral or something . The nurse gave me gown and as I slipped it on put me right on monitor with patches and wires. Within a moment another fellow came in, thinking he was a nurse his demeanor confused me. He was the doctor. This now all of 10 minutes from walking into the ER door. The lobby was not empty by any means.
He called the other hospital and was about to set up a CAT scan with contrast. The nurse was mesmerized at the port. It was so small in compare to what she had ever worked with. I wanted to slap her hand away for she kept pressing around and on it. It was CT scan there or at the other hospital in the morning. With the kids being home today an agreement was made to proceed. I asked the nurse for some Tylenol. Then the doctor returned after speaking with radiology they decided on Ultra sound. Soon that is where I was. Peace was around me like a light. A study performed on my arm, neck and chest.
The tec was kind and we spoke of the holy. She spoke of my attitude being so positive. She called in another senior staff and he was working on my wrist. She was not able to find a vein. He was startled at how small my veins were (that explains a lot).
They concluded the study he walked out, then he came right back in. He reopened the file. He then did the extended scan onto my chest around the cath and the port.
After being taken back to the room and placed on the monitor and oxygen device I laid my head back and rested not 2 minutes and a fellow came in. He said 'we are moving you to a private room'. There was this instant in time. Fear began to push at me, I actually thought clearly. I could be afraid...if I got afraid it would change nothing. The warmth like a light embraced me and clearly in thought and choice I decided not to be. Asking the fellow 'should I be concerned?'...he was locating the room and said 11 B. I laughed and said "hay that is not a private room...it has two beds" teasing him. He could not find the room so left me a moment in the hall. Another gurney came behind me and mine was moved against the wall. My orderly returned and laughingly he was chastised that I almost got a ticket. By this time the humor of it all was filling me up. He was right they were taking me to a PRIVATE ER room. The doctor was protecting me from infection. He pushed me in (forgetting to give me a call button) and left. It was so quiet! Silent. Wonderfully the peace replaced all. It was that the light came to show me the folly of it all. All fear all dread it was nothing compared to the vast life around me. Moaning and groaning the pulse of the place needed that light. As I lay there envisioned was hallways of doors with lives behind and light. Light that was welcomed and drawn in upon my desire for it to be there. It was magnificent. As the silence removed all the clamor it was willed into and around me. I fell asleep as I awoke there was a clear choice as to how to respond within. It was alright to lay there. Peacefully, when they were to come they would come. No urgency. Not having any idea of how long I laid there...it began not to really matter. Returning into the love toward those vast numbers of souls the light need to illuminate the dull lack luster of it all.

Others matter as do we. We are not exclusive to attention. Letting them know this by caring about their day as I laid there startled and stunned them. It touched many who crossed paths with me.
After some time and a partial visit from a woman from registration we were interrupted by a man who came to take me to x ray. This was unexpected. Again the same iterations with others. Returned to the room came the woman to finish registration and to take my co-pay.
Moments later the doctor came in. He was positive then qualified it. Although no blood clots I do have fluid on my chest around the port and cath. My lungs clear. Now we stand on watch for infection.

I was released. At the lobby I called Steve it was 6P.M. and he was worried. It was 6 hours latter.
I also called the nurse at the other hospital. We are on watch with an appointment to return to the surgeon and have all the studies repeated on Wednesday or before. We will trust that the fluid will absorb. It is unknown if the fluid is from the surgery or the infusion.

I was a study for all who meet my case. It was somehow poetic to teach over and over the facts of CVID.
Over and over and over. The port seamed a fascination to several of them.

It was the light however that is the true fascination. It is for me a wheel within a wheel. This realm encased within the other. Spirit is all around and if we lit it within. It was that the letting of it within caused for it to be around. It touched those within my space as it was touching me.

It is my greatest wish that it touches you.